I Felt a Subtle Emotion
I Felt a Subtle Emotion
The words that I just needed to stay quietly beside him, as if I were at home, didn't resonate with me.
When he asked if I hadn't said I wanted to go home because it would be comfortable there, my answer was, 'Well...'
After staring blankly for a moment, I closed my mouth and quietly looked at Kylon.
I did want to go home. But if he asked if home was comfortable, I wasn't so sure about that either.
Well. Was home really that good for me?
Was it really that enjoyable to be confined to a cramped room?
Was the time I spent quietly drawing and dreaming of the world beyond the screen, living immersed in fantasy, or the time I spent chatting and laughing with people whose faces I didn't even know, truly that happy?
I couldn't answer that.
Only the thought of wanting to escape this place existed.
That's why, after a long while, I could finally open my mouth and answer Kylon, who was glaring at me.
"...It's not that home is good; I just want to leave this place."
"I know that... but home isn't good either?"
"I don't know."
Kylon, scratching his head as if frustrated, groaned and then furrowed his Glabellum.
Then, crossing his arms, he tapped his opposite arm with his fingers, and as if he had finally come up with an answer after much deliberation, he let out a sigh, "Haa," and spoke to me.
"Then don't act like you're at home, just stay still. Since you say it's hard, I'll trust you one, just one more time."
Trust me? What else was he going to trust me with?
I had taken away Kylon's trust, but was trust something that just appeared so thoughtlessly?
Furrowing my Glabellum at Kylon's incomprehensible words, I let out a "Hmm," and groaned, looking at Kylon.
Then Kylon slowly continued speaking, as if adding an explanation to his words.
"...Honestly, I want to check one more time, but even without looking, it'll probably be there again. So, it's not that you can use the Power of a Saint because the Hymen exists; it's that the Hymen continues to exist because you are a Saint...
So, if we're talking about losing virginity, it means it doesn't just disappear by tearing the membrane with your hand, but rather through an actual act, and you don't want to do that, do you?"
"......"
That's right, I fully agreed with his words, so I nodded without opening my mouth.
Even though I was a woman on the inside, being assaulted by a man was out of the question, and even just a finger entering was agonizing.
If a Massive Penis of that size were to enter, I clearly wouldn't be able to endure it, and my body was already trembling.
Perhaps my body was too sensitive; it would tremble at the slightest thing, making it truly an exhausting body to have.
With the sensation of heavy silence pressing down on my shoulders, I groaned as if in pain, and Kylon kneaded his Glabellum a few times before slowly lowering his hand.
"...From now on, don't do things like self-harm. If you do it again, that day will truly be..."
"Ah, I understand."
He trailed off, but I knew very well what words were hidden at the end of his sentence.
Since he had seen the Hymen twice, he knew that I wouldn't lose my abilities just by using a finger.
So, I could interpret it as him intending to push forward without considering my feelings next time.
It was truly a funny situation.
I had tried so hard because I didn't want to be pinned under a man, crying out with a Dick, but now it seemed that if I tried, I would be in danger of being destined to cry out.
The words that I didn't have to do anything, absolutely nothing, felt truly hollow.
I felt a sense of disconnect. I didn't think I was even like that at home.
"...Come here."
"Okay."
At Kylon's words, I subtly moved and sat beside him.
Then Kylon wrapped his arm around my right shoulder and subtly pulled me into his embrace.
Startled, I trembled and tried to subtly pull away, but Kylon seemed to gently tighten his grip, telling me not to leave.
With dazed eyes, I looked at his hand on my right shoulder, blocking my escape route.
Then I turned my head and glanced up at Kylon's face on my left, against whom I was leaning.
Perhaps sensing my gaze, Kylon remained still for a moment before quietly speaking to me.
"I know why you want to go home. No, I keep forgetting because I only think about myself, but I still know why..."
Was he perhaps sorry for speaking to me so harshly?
He rambled on, as if making excuses.
At his demeanor, I stopped struggling to escape his embrace, relaxed my body, and quietly listened to his voice.
Wondering what else he would say.
After speaking to me for a long time in that somewhat apologetic voice, he swallowed once and then stroked my forearm a few times.
"Still, since we came from the same place, there's no way I'd abandon you. So... I don't know what kind of life you've lived, but at least when you're by my side, lighten the burden on your heart a little. It's not like I only keep someone by my side or make them a companion if they have to do something."
In short, he was telling me not to self-harm.
It also seemed to be his way of expressing that if he could only get better through my self-harm, he couldn't accept that.
What should I have answered to his voice, which simply wished for me to stay still?
Should I just close my mouth and nod like this?
As I tightly closed my mouth and my lips trembled, Kylon slowly raised his hand, cupped my head, and gently stroked it.
I wondered what he was doing and almost pulled away, but seeing Kylon's mood, struggling seemed a bit inappropriate, so I just quietly accepted it.
He pulled the back of my head, letting my head rest against his chest, and then comfortably stroked the back of my head, quietly whispering to me.
"...If it's hard, tell me."
It was truly hard.
Yet, with the sole conviction that I wanted to go back, I had always comforted myself that I could endure the hardships.
That's why I could endure it.
Because I could tolerate a certain degree of physical and mental pain, I was who I was now.
Even if Kylon said this, I would probably endure it again if such a thing happened in the future.
Only by enduring could I go back.
Only then could I escape the fear of being captured and killed again at any moment.
But Kylon thought differently from me.
I repeatedly resolved that even if I suffered now, I would endure it if only I could escape this world immediately, but he was the kind of person who would abandon the entire current situation if I told him I was having a hard time.
Seeing that his checking my Hymen was also an act to tell me not to self-harm, I felt truly stifled and didn't know what to say.
Although it was a somewhat distorted method, I couldn't help but feel a complex knot in my chest, wondering if he might immediately cast aside the other girls if I told him I was struggling because of the Main Wife Fight.
The tight, constricting feeling in my chest was so suffocating that it even felt painful.
Even after hearing his words, I couldn't easily affirm them. As I buried my face in Kylon's embrace and received his strokes, Kylon's hand paused, stopping its movement above my head.
The light pressure on my head felt comfortable, so I stayed still. As I breathed out softly in the quiet silence, his words continued.
"What's the hardest thing right now? Me assaulting you?"
Of course, that was part of it, but seeing that he still stopped at simulated sexual acts, it seemed he was postponing actually putting his Dick into my body until after maximum agreement, so it was a little less frightening.
Well, being used as masturbation material by just showing myself, or having my hand used like an onahole, was tiring if one considered it so, but I thought it was somewhat acceptable.
Not in the sense that it was good, but in the sense that if I couldn't do anything else, shouldn't I at least do that?
So, what I found most difficult wasn't an issue with Kylon.
The problem was the mental exhaustion from being caught in Linda and Agnes's Main Wife Fight.
But I couldn't say that.
Because I wanted to go home.
I didn't say anything.
I knew very well that Conditioning, in fact, required a person to be somewhat unhinged.
Because it was something easily done by someone who wished for the other person to move according to their own thoughts and to be controlled, regardless of what feelings the other person had, it was something that someone who felt emotional connection couldn't do.
So, when he declared that he couldn't do the Conditioning, I just accepted it.
Even when he said he would go the long way around, I nodded.
Even if he became strong later, as long as the Heroine was there, he wouldn't completely collapse.
But if, by some chance, the Heroine started to be abandoned because of a single word from me here, I wouldn't be able to handle it.
Since it would become an issue that I couldn't calmly dismiss with a "Really?" like when he declared he couldn't do the Conditioning, in the end, I could only bring up something else.
"The hardest thing is... I'm just afraid of being captured by King Wang again."
Then Kylon silently hugged me tightly.
Although I hadn't wished for it, feeling a person's body temperature so closely for the first time gave me a subtle feeling.