Why Did I Want to Go Home?
Why Did I Want to Go Home?
Cold silence always weighs down on my heart.
And as I was wondering when I would escape that silence, what came back was Kylon's voice.
"...Say something."
My heart tightened even more at the voice urging me for an answer, for an excuse.
Wanting to escape the silence meant wanting to get out of this situation and never face it again, not wanting to talk like this right now.
Since Kylon, who already held the initiative, wanted the conversation to begin, it was only natural that I would be drawn into it. So, hearing his words, I mumbled.
After waiting for a long time, at the end of it, I pondered what to say before cautiously opening my mouth.
"...Sorry. I'm, too tired."
I really wondered if this was okay and agonized over it for a long time, but since I didn't know what to say, I eventually just came back and spoke honestly.
It might have been due to the complacency of 'I won't die anyway.'
But even so, speaking so honestly was based on the thought that Kylon might still care about me to some extent.
It was true that I was tired because of Kylon, but still, it was Kylon telling me not to harm myself.
And at that time, he had gotten aroused by seeing my body and tried to release it, so I couldn't just see him as entirely bad.
Yes, if Kylon had even a shred of conscience, I wished he would endure as much as I did.
Originally, I thought if I just endured it, something would work out, but realizing that nothing would come of it that way, I finally opened my mouth.
Hoping it wouldn't get too twisted.
As I tried to calm my anxious, burning insides by exhaling a deep breath, Kylon cut in, as if to interrupt my breathing.
"Right. That could be. You might be wary of me here and there, and you probably don't like what I do."
His acknowledgment mixed with a sigh. And seeing that he seemed to roughly anticipate how he appeared to me, I involuntarily felt a pang of guilt.
"But I can't trust you. Is there any guarantee you won't harm yourself again? Besides, I can't even trust your body anymore. ...I told you not to do it, but you secretly did, and I tore it apart to get rid of the ability, but it reappeared. Isn't that right?"
I completely agreed with those words.
So, having nothing to say, I just kept my mouth shut.
Wondering how such a guilty situation came to be, I groaned, and then Kylon quietly stared at me.
Was he going to blame me for putting a knife to my body again, even though he told me not to do anything?
Was he going to scold me for not reporting that my body had returned to normal after he'd removed the ability?
No matter how many times I faced this situation, it felt like there would be no way to logically dissect Kylon and get out of it.
It felt like I had cornered myself so badly that it was difficult to even make excuses, and I realized this was what it felt like to be in a situation where it was hard to blame anyone, so I let out a deep sigh.
As I exhaled a sigh, Kylon slumped his shoulders, got up from the bed, and stood before me.
He slowly raised a hand that made me wonder, 'Is it really this big?', and caressed my face.
His hand seemed to trace my jawline, then he applied pressure, gently lifting my chin. My eyes were forced to meet Kylon's.
At his sharp gaze, which seemed to read my inner thoughts, I lowered only my eyes, but there's a limit to how long one can forcibly avoid eye contact, so in the end, I had no choice but to look into Kylon's blue eyes again.
"......"
How much time had passed like that?
As I was nervously wondering if Linda and Agnes might return, Kylon, as if knowing my anxiety, mumbled.
"They'll be back late."
"Ah."
Feeling as if my thoughts had been exposed, my lips, which had become hesitant again, let out a short sigh and then closed once more.
"Honestly, you'd be pretty if you just stayed still."
Those words must have held many meanings.
It felt like he was telling me to listen to him, to just quietly accept his protection, so I groaned.
Of course, since Kylon is the protagonist and I'm just a Heroine, if I act arbitrarily with unnecessary self-will, it would naturally be one of those things that causes problems.
Naturally, it would be absurd for someone like me to stand in Kylon's way.
But.
"Still, last time..."
There was one moment when I protected him, even though I didn't follow all of that.
A moment when prayer held no power, and in the end, only my blood worked most efficiently in that situation.
Yes, the incident right here in this village.
It still came back vividly. Kylon confronting a spider the size of a house, and at the same time, as he cut it down, he was hit by the venom sprayed from its belly.
Because of that, Kylon suffered a fatal wound that plunged him into agony.
Therefore, I couldn't say that my efforts had simply gone to waste.
Of course, I might have ruined his mood. But still, I hoped he would take it into consideration to some extent.
But as I hesitated, trying to slowly bring up words that implied I wanted some consideration, even if my contributions weren't fully acknowledged, Kylon's words cut me off.
"Spider?"
He seemed to know what I was trying to say.
"...Well, I appreciate that."
He understands.
Thinking that, as I looked at him with sparkling eyes, he placed both hands on my shoulders with a thud.
"I really do appreciate it... but I don't want to be healed by your spilled blood."
"......"
"It's not that I'm trying to ignore your goodwill, it's that your goodwill frightens me."
What's so scary about my goodwill, my heart?
It was the only thing I knew how to do, and I was just trying to do even that, so I simply couldn't understand what was so scary about it.
"Who on earth, living where, would spill so much blood that they almost die just to prove their usefulness...? That's not heart anymore. It's madness."
Madness?
What's mad about it?
It's natural for people to prove their usefulness, isn't it?
To stay by someone's side, it's natural that you have to prove your usefulness, even if it's like that.
"That expression!"
Bang, and my body shook violently.
What kind of expression was I making, anyway?
"Why are you making that 'I don't understand' expression...?"
To Kylon's question, I merely uttered the reason haltingly.
"...For a person to live, to stay by someone's side, proving their necessity... isn't that natural?"
Yes, it had always been like that.
One could say I had lived that way without anyone needing to tell me.
Saying 'I'll do it if told, and won't if told not to' was something only naive fools or airheads would say.
In truth, most people desired more but pretended not to, to save face.
There's no such thing as a free lunch in this world.
There was always a debt in people's lives.
It was also why I admired the rich.
I admired the rich whose money grew just by breathing. Because for me, debt grew just by breathing.
Even when eating, or simply trying to maintain my own space, it required a lot.
I had to prove that I was allowed to be there.
That's why I couldn't understand Kylon's words.
"That's why I'm telling you it's okay not to do such things. I said I'd just leave you alone, but you arbitrarily—!"
"No."
There's never 'just' anything.
Therefore, I opened my mouth, trying to suppress my rising voice.
They might call me stiff, or say I had no manners.
Since Kylon had dealt with many people, I thought my words, coming from someone who hadn't, might sound strange.
But even so, I tried hard to communicate.
Kylon's words made sense, but I wanted him to listen to why I did what I did.
So, I wished he would cut me some slack.
So, I wished he would make me comfortable for a moment.
"There's no such thing as 'just' living, is there?"
"No... did you not understand what I said? I'm telling you, you can just stay still, like you did... back home?"
"......"
I mumbled.
At the words that I could just stay still like I did back home, I fumbled for a long time, unable to grasp what to say.
With my glabellum furrowed, I groaned repeatedly, trying to figure out that emotion.
Only after spending that much time, I was able to answer.
"I don't know."
"Y-you said you wanted to go home, so you must have said that because you lived comfortably there, right?"
I did want to go home.
But why did I want to go?
I had even thought it was a natural right to pursue, since my life had suddenly disappeared and been replaced by a new one.
But since the reason wouldn't properly come to mind, what I replayed in my thoughts was the scenery of the space I used to inhabit.
Had my life, staring only at a monitor without even turning on the lights, seemed so warm?
Had my life, spent under a blanket, subsisting on whatever food was given, felt so abundant?
Had I thought that time, sleeping on a hard floor with just one blanket, was so comfortable?
"......"
Kylon's emotions were agitated, but mine became gloomy.
With our emotions running to extremes, I wondered if we might become unable to understand each other.
But even in that atmosphere, the only thought that came to mind was, 'Why did I want to go home? Was it just that instinct of having my entire life stolen?' So, in the end, I just hung my head like a criminal and answered.
"Sorry, I don't know."
"......"
Then Kylon pressed his lips together and stared silently at me.