Is This How I Want to Be?
Is This How I Want to Be?
A morning with birds chirping. Opening my bleary eyes and slowly waking up my dazed mind, I heard them talking about something, wondering if I had woken up late or if those next to me had woken up early.
As I slowly opened my eyes, adjusting to the light, and shifted my body, a voice from beside me spoke to me.
"Saintess-nim."
I didn't think, "Is Agnes giving a morning greeting?"
Because the atmosphere I felt as soon as I woke up this morning was certainly not warm and friendly, nor was it about working hard from now on, or chatting.
It was chaotic, yet they were all making serious expressions at each other, so I wondered what was going on, rubbed my eyes, and carefully tidied my hair.
Then, Agnes's gaze, as if something was bothering her, fell upon me.
Linda's gaze, behind Agnes, was truly murderous.
"...Yes?"
"What were you doing with Kylon yesterday that you were with him for so long?"
Ah, is this an interrogation first thing in the morning?
I thought that if the tent was closed, the sound wouldn't leak out, so I didn't think much of it, but I didn't expect them to ask directly like this.
Upon hearing the question, I quietly groaned for a moment, then racked my brain, wondering if there was a good excuse.
"Uh, I was looking at the map I received from Bishop-nim..."
There weren't many reasons why I should be alone with Kylon.
Therefore, I uttered the reason that I thought could at least be a point of contact, and glanced at Agnes and Linda, trying to gauge their reactions.
Linda, even after hearing that, didn't seem to be in a better mood; she frowned and let out a sigh. And Flora, who was behind Linda, just glanced at me with an expressionless face and said nothing.
"......Yes."
Agnes, who had first asked me the question, didn't seem entirely pleased, but as if she understood for now, she nodded without letting go of her suspicious demeanor.
If this is the case, I won't be able to go to Kylon anymore.
Seeing myself already being checked like this, I didn't feel very good.
I would have to be with them from morning till night, and the thought of them having a power struggle among themselves where Kylon couldn't see made my head throb.
Just when I thought I had gotten past it, they started to continue the conversation they were having when I woke up earlier.
Linda's protest.
"No, Agnes... I told you I approached Kylon first, didn't I? Yesterday, no, the day before yesterday, why...!"
"...It's not like the Hero has to have only one person, is it?"
And with Agnes's rebuttal that followed, a murderous atmosphere permeated the inside of the tent.
Just for a moment, I felt a chill realizing that the tip of that spear was pointed at me, and Flora, who had been quietly listening, opened her mouth.
"Heh, it's quite funny how you're all fussing over just one man."
At Flora's mocking voice, Linda clenched her fists and returned a sharp-edged voice to Flora.
"Then why don't you just drop out?"
"...What?"
In the rapidly unfolding situation, I tried to fully awaken my mind, which had been floundering in a half-asleep state.
In fact, I was half-awakened by the murderous atmosphere, but rather, the feeling of a serious situation made my head throb, making it even harder to collect my thoughts.
Linda was now indiscriminately wary, and growled as if she would push everyone away at the thought that someone might steal Kylon's side, so Agnes reached out her hand and politely addressed Linda.
"Linda. You've gone too far. This is a problem between the two of you to begin with, and constantly harming others like this is also a problem."
Her words, spoken with the unique soft charisma of a Noble Knight, had a clear reason, and what came out of her mouth was logical, enough to persuade people.
But that only works on rational people, and it wouldn't work on someone already lost in emotion, so the current Linda didn't shut up, saying she understood, even after hearing those words.
"No, who was it that stole Kylon's bed? It was you, Agnes."
If they were just animals, wouldn't they have immediately bitten each other's throats and fought?
"Kylon isn't your property. Linda, snap out of it. Kylon also has the right to choose."
"When I was getting along well with him first, did interfering give him the right to choose?"
Even at Agnes's calm voice, Linda, as if dumbfounded, as if she couldn't easily accept those words, tried to raise her voice.
What in the world is happening this morning?
If they were going to fight, why didn't they fight yesterday?
Complaining inwardly like that, I fumbled to get out of my sleeping bag to get out of the tent.
But as I was doing that, Linda's voice quickly turned to me again.
"Saintess-nim is also a problem. Didn't you instigate Agnes, Saintess-nim? When I was already here to begin with... And yesterday, because of Saintess-nim, a whole day was wasted."
In the end, it seemed like this was because I had been with Kylon for quite a long time yesterday, and she was starting to blame me for not being able to crawl into bed with him.
Linda, who had been sleeping with him until now, must have been upset that Agnes stole her spot, and on top of that, it seemed the reason Kylon didn't call anyone was because of me.
After sleeping with him just once the day before yesterday, it seemed I had ended up ruining Agnes's chance to sleep with him again, as she had been expecting to be called.
So, in the end, I ended up being the one who made Linda's patience snap after she held back for a day, and I ended up stealing the bed right after cheering her on the next day.
As I listened to their sharp words, it felt as if everything that happened yesterday was all my fault, and my head started to ache.
No, Kylon said he couldn't do the conditioning anymore, so there was nothing for me to help with now, and if I kept pushing something under the guise of helping, Kylon might get upset like last time, so it was better not to.
So, in the end, I had nothing to say, and just mumbled.
"...I'm sorry. Because of me."
Well, I had nothing to be proud of.
"......."
As I apologized, the tent suddenly fell silent. Linda clicked her tongue, scratched her head, tied her long, loose hair into a ponytail, then got up and left the tent.
In the suddenly chilling silence, I felt as if I could even feel the cold, so I tightly clutched the sleeping bag I had half-emerged from, and crawled back inside.
If I weren't a Saintess, I'd just want to live as a Hikikomori, why are such trials coming my way?
As I was fully experiencing the gloomy feeling from the morning, Agnes, who was beside me, spoke softly.
"I'm sorry. You cheered me on, but I raised my voice so loudly first thing in the morning."
At least Agnes is apologizing to me.
That thought brought me comfort, and I nodded.
"...It's okay."
"But, something like yesterday... I hope it doesn't happen. No matter if it's Saintess-nim, but..."
I'm sorry for being suspicious, but please don't create reasons for suspicion.
Is that what she means?
Hearing it like that, I felt like a hollow laugh would burst out.
If it were up to me, I would want to do that too.
But since I can't, isn't this why I'm like this?
There were many things I wanted to say, and not a few emotions I wanted to vent. Yet, no words remained in my mouth, so I just bit my lip tightly.
"...I'm sorry. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again."
When I answered with a voice mixed with a groan, Agnes replied in a somewhat formal manner.
Although there was a hint of gentle emotion mixed in, I didn't have the energy left to deeply feel it right now.
"I'm sorry for being rude first thing in the morning, and thank you for answering like that."
Hearing those words, I lightly nodded, and then gently closed my eyes.
"Oh, you should eat."
"I don't have an appetite..."
"Then."
Agnes tidied her sleeping bag, then left the tent.
Somehow, I ended up alone with Flora in the tent, and a strong wish arose that she would just shut up and leave too.
But as if my wish could never come true, Flora's annoyed gaze turned to me.
"Saintess-nim."
"Yes?"
"......It's nothing."
Flora, who seemed to pick up and then drop the thought of "What else is she going to say?", let out a deep sigh, then got up and left the tent.
A roughly folded sleeping bag, a carelessly discarded sleeping bag, and a neatly folded sleeping bag were all that remained beside me.
Inside the tent, which had suddenly become quiet, I tightly pressed my trembling lips together.
"......."
Why can't I do anything properly?
Was the problem that I only knew I had to rush things to achieve something? I was sorry for hiding and deceiving them, but I had hoped they would overlook it, as I had my own circumstances.
But that didn't work either, and so I was mentally struggling here again.
No matter where I went, my body and mind were not at ease.
Should I just go back to the Holy Kingdom and usurp the Pope's position? I seriously considered it.
If I did that, it would mean moving further away from going home, so making a hasty decision would be a bit difficult.
Does anyone want to be like this?
Linda's sharp voice, the meaning implied within Agnes's gentle words, and Flora's clicking tongue haphazardly shook my head.
Feeling a sudden surge of emotion for no reason, I could only let out a small, annoyed voice.
"...Fuck."