I Don't Know What I Want Anymore
Perhaps it was because anger had mixed into my feelings.
At some point, I seemed to have started acting childishly. The way I'd been trying so desperately to hold onto that relationship had suddenly twisted into this. At first, my wish had been clear enough: keep the relationship intact, but hurt less. Soften myself just enough that even if she met another man, I could somehow be all right with it.
Yet from a certain moment on, it looked as if my real goal had become ending the relationship altogether.
Why? I didn't know either. Softening, putting a little distance between us—that shouldn't have meant the end of something so deep. So why did my unconscious mind keep treating it that way?
Maybe because I had begun to feel anger rising from her actions. Or maybe because, in the end, I simply could not accept another man appearing at her side.
It was hard. Honestly, it was too hard.
I knew anger was a trivial emotion—something that faded on its own with time, worthless and fleeting. That was why, the moment it passed, I would find myself wanting to keep the relationship with Seoa again. I was too weak to endure these emotional swings. Mentally, I was exhausted.
Perhaps it was worse because Seoa liking another man wasn't actually a sin. For me it was clearly a bad thing, yet it was never absolute evil. That was why I kept swaying on that ambiguous boundary.
She was supposed to stay exactly as she was, and only I was supposed to change—but it was never that simple. In the process of changing myself, she inevitably got involved. Softening seemed to imply that our relationship would end. Maybe the whole idea of altering only myself inside a relationship we had built together was flawed from the start.
By now I couldn't even tell what the essence of my original plan had been.
Did I want her to be unhappy? Did I want her to come back to me? Did I want her to keep no man by her side? Did I simply want to feel at ease? Did I want to rebel against her somehow? Did I want her to look at me? Did I want to test our relationship? Or did I want to sever it completely?
I no longer knew.
Without something as clear as the word "friends" had once been, I felt I would stay forever suspended in this vague middle ground. And that vagueness was no different from the tantrum of a childish kid trying to grab her attention. So I needed to act more decisively. This half-hearted state was neither one thing nor the other.
My head understood all of that. But it was never easy!!
I don't know either! What the hell do I even want to do?
I had come such a long way. The me who once felt satisfied just keeping the relationship alive was now tangled in these kinds of worries.
Today, as always, I found myself heading to the club. It was the one place that could briefly shake off this heavy heart of mine. Before I knew it, the club had become a kind of sanctuary.
Or maybe it wasn't the club itself—maybe it was Sebin who made me feel that way. Being with her… how should I put it? My heart felt at ease.
Ah!
Before I opened the club room door, there was something I had to do.
This again…
Seoa still seemed uneasy about my responses and told me to call. She probably wanted to judge by the sound of my voice.
"Hello?"
"Minjae~ Should I really go alone?"
"Yeah… let's go together next time."
"Why~ Come with me today~ Unnie will buy you something delicious."
"Sorry… I'm already at the club."
I had worried that hearing Seoa's voice directly would make me weak. Yet contrary to that fear… I was able to pry her clinging hand off me surprisingly easily.
I hung up.
It was no longer such a difficult thing to do.
After standing in front of the club room for a while on the phone, I finally slipped my phone into my pocket and reached for the door. At that exact moment the door swung open toward me. Someone was coming out from inside.
"Oh? Minjae?"
"Ah, hello."
It was Sebin. The moment I faced her, the scent of jasmine washed over me. Maybe even that fragrance was helping soothe my mind.
"Heading to the club?"
"Yes… What about you, Sebin?"
"I was just about to leave…"
"Ah… that's a shame."
"Pardon?"
What the hell did I just say?!
Without meaning to, I had spoken as if I was disappointed she was leaving. Since I had come here hoping to be healed by her presence, the words had slipped out on their own. This time even I was a little flustered.
"Th-then… would you like to go somewhere with me?"
"Where?"
"Just a café or something?"
Fortunately, my words didn't seem to cause any major misunderstanding. Sebin showed no sign of being offended; if anything, she looked like she was trying to look after me.
Still… a café alone with Sebin.
Doing club activities with her felt fine, but stepping outside campus somehow felt awkward. It was almost like a date, wasn't it? A man and a woman doing something just the two of them…
Yet before I knew it, I was already trailing after her.
A large franchise café right in front of the main gate. Of course we didn't go to some pretty little café the way couples might. We just grabbed our coffees and sat facing each other. Up to that point it was the same thing I always did with Seoa.
The real challenge started now.
Now that we were here… what was I supposed to talk about with Sebin? It wasn't club activity, so I couldn't just dive into game talk again… and we didn't really have any shared interests. We weren't even that close yet.
"Ah! Would you like some cake or something?"
"Huh? I'm fine…"
"Come on, let's share. It feels weird if I'm the only one eating…"
"All right, then."
Sebin was the one who spoke first.
Cake, huh.
Honestly, I always thought ordering dessert at a café was a poor value. Unlike me, both Seoa and Sebin seemed to enjoy buying ordinary desserts like this. I had thought it was just a Seoa thing, but apparently not.
Before long Sebin returned with a cake and immediately started taking photos with her phone. It wasn't even a special cake… yet she carefully photographed every angle. Women really lived such bothersome lives, I thought.
"May I start eating?"
Since she was still busy with the camera, I asked first. I was a ridiculous guy myself—earlier I'd acted like I didn't want any, yet the moment the cake sat in front of me my hand moved on its own.
"Ah! Of course. Help yourself."
"But… it's just a regular cake. Why are you taking so many pictures?"
"Just… everything becomes a memory, right? And I can post it on SNS too."
SNS, huh… Well, Seoa was always active on it as well. Or maybe everyone except me was obsessed with SNS. I had made an account once, but as a born loner I never really got to use its features.
"Ah! While we're on the subject, want to follow each other?"
"Me?"
"Yeah… is that uncomfortable…?"
"Ah, no, it's not that… I just barely use SNS."
Even as I said it, I handed her my phone. I still wanted to do something. I wanted to register a new friend on my SNS account—someone other than Seoa.
"Done. Here! But you really don't use it, do you?"
"Yeah… it's not that interesting, right?"
"Haha! What are you talking about? We're just becoming friends."
I kept throwing difficult questions at her as if I wanted her to say something harsh. Yet Sebin never hesitated for a second; she never crumbled under my prickly questions. You could feel she was a kind person down to her core.
"Then how about trying SNS for real this time?"
"Me? I don't even know how."
"I'll tag you in a story. Then you just share it."
"Ah… okay."
It happened in an instant. For someone who had never posted anything on SNS, I felt a little nervous. Was I finally going to post a story the way Seoa always did? Not many people would see whatever I uploaded, but… maybe, like she said, this was the start of something.
A notification arrived on my SNS account. Just as she instructed, I hit share, and the same post appeared on my feed. It was simply a photo of the cake sitting on the café table. I wondered what meaning a picture like that could possibly have, but I decided it was just a culture I didn't understand and let it go.
We chatted for a little while after that. I had worried because I wasn't good with words, but Sebin kept tossing out new topics and carried the conversation. Because of that, we talked comfortably the whole time. We even seemed to learn a little more about each other.
It had been a long time since I stored someone else's information in my head. I knew everything about Seoa, but I had nothing on anyone else. When my brain finally updated with a new person's data after so long, it sent a strangely thrilling signal.
What kind of feeling was this…
We left the café and walked together. Then she stopped in front of an accessory shop. Of all the coincidences—Sebin, too, seemed interested in earrings and stood there staring. She fiddled with a pair for a while.
"Minjae, wait a second! I'm just going to buy this one real quick!"
With that she left me outside and hurried into the store. So women really did buy accessories on impulse like this. Looking at the price tags, the place wasn't particularly expensive, which might explain it. In a way earrings were consumables too. If the price was low enough, buying several might not be a bad idea.
At that moment my pants pocket vibrated. It was a notification type I had never seen before—an alert from my SNS account.
A message from Seoa.
Just a single question mark. The message had come through the post where I had shared Sebin's story. I simply read it and moved on. I had no idea what to reply, so I left it. She had sent nothing but a question mark—how was I supposed to know what answer she wanted?
Naturally, thoughts of Seoa rose again.
I picked up a pair of earrings. Seoa had said she wanted new ones, hadn't she? Damn… even now I still felt like buying something like this for her.
I stood there for a long time holding a pair of earrings that didn't suit me at all, lost in thought.
"I'll take these."
"Minjae?"
In the end I took the earrings to the clerk and paid. Sebin watched me with a puzzled expression.
"Why are you buying earrings?"
"Ahaha… good question."
"Do you have a little sister or something?"
"No, nothing like that…"
I let the sentence trail off. I didn't want to talk about Seoa to Sebin. Even though she kept asking persistently without understanding my intention, after I mumbled a couple of times she seemed to give up and stopped pressing.
In my hand was a small, cute box containing the earrings. I slipped it into my pocket and thought:
Yeah. Earrings are a kind of consumable too. If the price is low enough… maybe it's fine to just buy them and keep them for now.