Turning Our Backs
Just as her text had said, a familiar silhouette was waiting when I reached the main gate.
For the record, Sebin had suggested we walk home together again today, the way we had last time — but I turned the offer down. I didn't want to run into Seoa in front of Sebin.
I didn't want Sebin to see me flustered and helpless around her.
For some reason, that was how I felt about it.
Seoa spotted me and came running over the way she always did.
"Why are you so late!"
As she said it, she made a light motion like she was about to hop onto my back. It was exactly the same as always. The Seoa I knew.
And yet something about her felt unfamiliar now. I couldn't feel purely glad to see her anymore.
After a few light attempts to climb on, she suddenly stopped and put some distance between us.
"Uh..."
She looked at me awkwardly as she said it. I had no idea why she was acting that way, so I just stared back at her the same way.
Her eyes wavered faintly.
"You smell nice..."
"Do I?"
A nice smell? There was no way I suddenly smelled good — I barely paid any attention to my own scent. I just washed thoroughly every day so I wouldn't stink, that was all.
I brought my nose to my own body and sniffed. Still couldn't really tell.
Just a faint jasmine scent, nothing more.
Ha... And here I'd decided that starting today I'd keep any contact with her to a minimum, and yet we were ending up walking home together after all.
Still, today couldn't be helped. She'd said she had something to tell me.
I was supposed to be stricter with myself than anyone, but I kept telling myself this one time was truly unavoidable.
Anyway... what was it she wanted to say?
What was so important that she'd waited for me just to get it out?
At that thought, my heart suddenly felt like it was contracting. My chest tightened, and my stomach started to hurt.
Something... I had a feeling I was about to hear something bad... and I already felt unpleasant about it.
"So... what was it you wanted to say?"
I forced myself to bring it up first. At this rate the stress would only keep building, so I figured I might as well take the hit early and get it over with.
Maybe if I hadn't spoken first, we would have just gone home without saying anything at all.
But in that moment, I had no way of knowing which future would have been better. Of course I didn't.
If I had that kind of ability, I'd make the best choice every time.
Unfortunately, I had no such power. Of course I didn't. I was just an ordinary human — a weak, ordinary human whose personality got tossed around by every little emotion.
"Ah... well..."
Seoa hesitated. The more she did, the more I trembled. I was terrified that the worst words I could imagine would come out of those hesitant lips.
"I'm sorry... for saying that in front of Woo-bin oppa earlier."
Huh?
What... so she was apologizing.
An apology...
Seoa was apologizing to me. It seemed she was apologizing for what had happened earlier.
But somehow I felt nothing. Maybe I'd gotten too worked up bracing myself beforehand. Hearing her casually say she was sorry left me feeling completely empty instead.
So... why was she apologizing to me? That was the thought that came.
More than that — she'd known full well it was something she ought to apologize for, and she'd still said it so cruelly right in front of me. She'd already said it.
She'd already said we were just ordinary friends.
She said that in front of that guy, and now she comes to me with an apology and that's supposed to make it okay? Like it never happened?
No. That was greed. Seoa's selfish greed.
Say one thing to that guy, then apologize to me behind his back. She must have thought that way she could have it both ways.
That was what greed looked like.
She was clearly telling me she was sorry, conveying an apology. So why was I so twisted? Hearing those words of apology just made me irritated instead.
Was it because I could see right through her black intentions?
Whether she'd actually said it with that kind of motive or not, I didn't know.
Even so, I casually decided it on my own — that Seoa had apologized to me with that kind of rotten ulterior motive.
"You don't need to apologize. Like you said, we really are just friends."
"Huh?"
As if my reaction wasn't what she'd expected, Seoa looked surprised. She couldn't even close the mouth she'd opened; the corners of her lips trembled.
Countless emotions mixed in the expression she wore looking at me. Her eyes seemed to hold a thousand thoughts.
"Yeah. Just friends. I mean, I'm not your boyfriend or anything."
"Hey... but we're not just ordinary friends either."
Ah...
At the very least, you shouldn't be the one saying that. Those aren't words that should come out of your mouth.
No — you knew we weren't ordinary friends, and you still said what you said earlier so easily.
"And the person who knows that... said that?"
It was something I'd repeated to myself over and over in my head. I'd agonized over whether to say it or not.
And because it was something the usual me would never have said, I did the opposite.
This wasn't petty rebellion. It was real defiance — something I'd found the courage for after careful thought.
Because it could show that I'd changed. A simple, intuitive method: doing the thing the usual me would never choose.
"Th-that's..."
Seoa bit her lower lip. She knew it too. That she had nothing to say back. That pure and simple, only her own fault remained.
She crumpled the hem of her skirt in her hands.
"That's why I'm apologizing. I'm sorry... I hope you won't take it too hard. You were really upset, right? I'm really sorry..."
Seoa simply chose to apologize to me. She didn't seem to want to force an argument or pick a fight.
I wish you hadn't.
I wish you'd been stubborn and argued the way you usually do.
If you had... I think I would have given in at the end after all.
I might have gotten weak, intoxicated not by the unfamiliar jasmine scent on my body, but by the familiar scent of the Seoa I knew.
The me I am now probably would have just bickered with you and left it at that.
But when you apologize like that... it feels like I've already finished sorting out my feelings.
"Okay... I get it."
I said it flatly. I accepted her apology.
There was nothing more to want from an opponent who'd lost the will to fight. No expectations left.
Accepting her apology was something close to resignation.
On the surface it might have looked like an ordinary reconciliation, but inside it was different.
The moment I accepted that apology, it felt like it marked our relationship truly drifting apart into nothing more than ordinary friends.
"On club days... could you maybe tell me in advance?"
I stopped for a moment in front of Seoa's house. Still seeming wary of my mood, she spoke carefully in a dejected voice.
"Yeah. Okay."
My dry reply. Then I raised one hand and waved — meaning I was heading off now.
Just as I was about to turn my back, Seoa took a deep breath and seemed to come to some kind of decision.
"Minjae! Forgive me by tomorrow, okay? I'll really reflect on it. Got it?"
She said it with a bright, refreshing smile. She was the Seoa of before again. The Seoa I knew. Bright, cheerful Seoa.
She was pretty. Really pretty.
I even liked that personality of hers that was so good at handling people — because I liked being handled by her.
Seoa was always quick on the uptake, so she figured out right away what she needed to do.
That side of her seemed to soften my heart, if only for a moment. The rage that had peaked earlier felt like it subsided a little at that sight.
My heart still wasn't firm, apparently. It kept wavering back and forth, confusing me.
And yet one thing still wouldn't leave my mind. Those words — just friends.
That phrase alone filled me with rage. Maybe... if Seoa hadn't apologized for this today, our relationship wouldn't have drifted this far apart.
I probably wouldn't have gone so far as to resign myself or sort out my feelings on my own.
Bringing it up myself was what made me able to act that way.
Well... after years of loving someone, there was no way my feelings would be completely sorted out just from hearing something like that once.
But it builds up slowly. Because at least the resolve I'd made — to pay those words back in kind — was still standing firm.
That much hadn't faded. It remained solid.
No matter how she smiled at me with that smile, that part stayed hard and unyielding.
Seoa turned around without knowing any of it.
And looking at her, I turned around too.
We walked our separate ways with our backs to each other.
It looked just like our future. Today, especially, it felt that way.
Before, it wasn't like this — walking away with our backs turned. I used to always stay in the same place, waiting for her to come back to me.
So I was the only one who suffered. Like how standing in one place for too long makes your whole body ache.
I had never once turned my back on her.
After she left, I stayed alone in that dark shadow, waiting for her to come find me again.
And now I, too, turn my back like her and walk the path I need to take.
I walked with heavy steps. My footsteps were never light. Sometimes lingering attachment made me glance back.
If she came looking for me in that time, I might run right back to where I'd been standing.
If she's going to come back, I hope she does it before I've completely left that place.
So that I can still run back to where I used to be.
If not, I want to tell her not to wait in a dark shadow the way I did.
Because I won't be going back there again.