Facing Each Other (3)
I came home.
In the end, I'd returned like this without reaching any kind of resolution with Seoa.
I was sure of it… I'd meant to settle things today. How had it ended up like this again? At this rate, we were right back where we started.
I'd thought that if we faced each other calmly and talked — unlike the way we'd always spoken before — something might actually move forward.
Until now, every conversation between us had been charged with raw emotion. And both of us had been psychologically unstable, too.
So I'd believed today would be different. At the very least, I was different from before. I'd recovered some measure of mental stability, and even outwardly I looked more composed. Because of that, I'd been able to face her calmly.
But… Seoa, it seemed, had not. Her psychological state was still as unstable as ever.
Honestly, I'd sensed it roughly from the moment I first stepped into her room. The dolls scattered every which way. The scraps of paper torn to shreds.
Seoa wasn't the kind of person who would live with things like that left uncleaned.
But one question kept nagging at me… what was making her so desperately unstable in the first place?
It was a curiosity I'd been carrying since earlier.
I understood that she wanted to protect our relationship. I understood that after driving me into a corner, she was now trying to hold on to me out of regret for what she'd done. But I still didn't understand why she clung to me with such obsessive force that she'd slap her own face.
What on earth was driving her to go that far? Even if Seoa had realized that the truth behind the incident where she'd so cruelly pushed me away had been her own misunderstanding… the Seoa I knew wasn't someone who would abandon all her pride and cling to me the way she was now.
I didn't know…
I stopped thinking about it. No amount of stewing over it alone would ever give me an answer.
As I did, my hand drifted toward the cigarettes resting on the desk. It had been a long time since I'd reached for one.
Truthfully, the thought of smoking had been flickering through my mind ever since I'd started drinking with Nari earlier. Did that mean the alcohol was what had drawn me back to these cigarettes?
Or was it that I simply wanted to ease this stifling feeling in my chest — and so I was leaning on them?
I opened the front door and stepped outside. At the very least, I didn't want to light one up inside the apartment again. The traces of it had only just begun to fade… I didn't want to fill the place with that gloomy atmosphere all over again.
And I was hoping the day would come soon when I could invite the club members over. Once every last one of those heavy traces had disappeared from my place, that was when I'd invite them.
The cigarette smoke that slid down my throat after so long tasted only acrid. It didn't feel good at all, nor did it leave me feeling clearer.
If anything, it made my head spin the way it had the first time I'd smoked — an unpleasant, dizzying sensation.
When I opened my eyes the next morning, that text from Nari was waiting for me. Apparently she was suffering through a hangover.
Of course, so was I.
So this… was a hangover. This unpleasant agony I'd never felt in my life. My head felt like it was splitting open, and my stomach was a wreck.
I'd managed to open my eyes and get up somehow… but it hurt so badly I wanted to collapse right then and there.
I must have really drunk a lot last night. I'd had a few drinks before, but never enough to leave me this miserable the next day.
More than that, she was talking like she'd already put me in charge of the coffee. Still, I was going to buy it for her either way.
And so I set off for campus on legs that felt impossibly heavy.
In the distance, I could make out Nari's silhouette. Even from far away, she radiated presence. And around her, as always, there were other people.
Men and women alike — there were always people laughing and chatting at her side. Sometimes, watching that, I'd think she really did live in a different world from mine…
"Guys, I'm gonna head out now."
The moment she spotted me, she'd leave those friends behind and come running. It almost made me feel like I was the one she'd chosen. Like the people chattering around her were just extras, and I was the real main character.
"Minjae—! Save me… hurry, give me the elixir of life…"
The second she saw me holding coffee in both hands, Nari came over beaming with pure delight.
Though whether that delight was directed at me or at the coffee, I honestly couldn't tell.
"Alright, I'm heading off."
Watching her snatch up the coffee and start gulping it down, I turned to leave for class.
Yeah — it was probably the coffee she'd been happy to see, not me.
Nari caught my hand and stopped me in my tracks.
She was grabbing my hand like it was nothing again?!
Holding hands with Nari like this… yesterday's memories suddenly surfaced, and it left me feeling a little strange. She was the one who'd been gripping my hand so tightly yesterday.
But… did Nari even remember what happened last night? I wasn't sure.
"Wait. You still haven't told me."
"Huh…? What are you talking about. I have class now."
"What happened with her…?"
"Ah…"
Nari seemed to want to know how my conversation with Seoa had ended yesterday. Which meant… she remembered that we'd walked holding hands like that.
My face grew a little warm. Thinking that Nari remembered it too made me feel, belatedly, a bit embarrassed.
But for someone who supposedly remembered, Nari's reaction was remarkably casual. Maybe that kind of thing was just ordinary to her. Well… Nari was as indifferent to physical contact as Seoa was. That was possible.
"We're stuck in place…"
"What?! After you talked such a big game?"
"I know. I'm ashamed. But it really wasn't my fault…"
"Whatever. Just go to class. I wasted time waiting around being curious."
"……Okay."
Well, honestly, the way yesterday had fizzled out without resolution wasn't really my fault… but from Nari's perspective, not knowing the circumstances, it must have been incredibly frustrating.
I understood that feeling, so I didn't argue. I just accepted it and started to head off to class.
"Found you. Minjae—!"
But my feet couldn't quite move forward. Once again, I was stuck with both feet planted on the ground, only able to turn my head.
The voice coming from behind me was Seoa's.
Truthfully, on the way to school, I'd been wondering how I was even supposed to deal with her now. Thinking about the way Seoa had acted yesterday — we hadn't fully ended things, and we hadn't gotten back together either.
In this ambiguous relationship, I had no idea how I was supposed to face her anymore.
And what scared me even more was that I had no sense of how Seoa would face me.
"Nari unnie!"
"Huh…?"
Seoa, who'd approached calling my name, soon turned her gaze to Nari.
It was a meeting of two people whose images overlapped. Watching that encounter unfold right in front of me felt a little surreal. These were the two people who had each seized hold of me so completely. The only difference was that one of them was past tense, and the other was present continuous.
But what was she about to say… calling Nari in that bright, ringing voice?
Belatedly, worry and unease washed over me. The situation had been flowing so naturally that I hadn't registered it — but Seoa was acting exactly the way she used to.
From the way she called my name to every little thing she did.
She'd put on a front of acting like nothing was wrong before, of course, but this was on a completely different level.
"I already arranged to walk home with Minjae today… so it's okay if I skip club, right?"
"Ah… is that so?"
Wait… Han Seoa, what the hell are you talking about right now? When did I ever agree to that… that was just something you made up on your own.
Right — I'd been sure it was nonsense… but Seoa, it seemed, had been completely serious.
Hearing that, Nari shot me a look, and her expression wasn't exactly pleasant.
That gaze made me feel like I was under some kind of silent pressure.
Well, just a moment ago she'd looked frustrated that I'd come back with zero progress… so I couldn't say I didn't understand the look.
"When did I ever…"
I couldn't just stand there listening to this conversation, so I hurriedly tried to say that I'd never agreed to any such thing. Staying quiet would have felt like admitting her nonsense was true.
But I wasn't given the chance to explain myself.
"Do whatever you want. I was planning to go straight home today anyway. Take him or leave him — I don't care."
"Ah… okay! Thank you."
Nari said it as if it had nothing to do with her at all. Do whatever you want.
It stung a little… but I wasn't in a position to complain. She was right, after all. Whether I walked home with Seoa or not had nothing to do with Nari.
And knowing that, why was I feeling hurt by Nari? Thinking about it, it was a strange emotion.
I still wanted to clear things up right there, even belatedly — but I really did have to get to class, so I had no choice but to walk away with lingering regret.
On the way to class, I spoke up to Seoa first.
"You're being weird right now… you know that?"
"What are you talking about? I'm not weird at all."
"Seoa…"
"You're the weird one. Since when did you get so close with some other girl instead of me. Right?"
Faced with that attitude, I gave up on saying anything more. In this state, no matter what I said, conversation wasn't going to get through.
And… having a serious talk like that in the middle of campus while heading to class was pretty ridiculous anyway.
Even so, there was one thing I absolutely had to make clear.
"I have no intention of walking home with you."
"……."