Facing Each Other (2)
Seoa clung to my leg, tears streaming endlessly down her face.
She kept saying she wouldn't let me go… that she couldn't send me away like this.
Maybe standing up to meet her eyes had looked to her like I was about to walk straight out the door.
I didn't force her off me.
Yeah, at least for today, I didn't want to treat Seoa so roughly. And just as she'd said, I still hadn't heard her side of the story. Today we needed to pour out everything left unsaid between us.
Only then would neither of us be left with regrets or lingering attachments.
"Minjae… please don't talk like this is the end. Okay…?"
"……"
"I can still apologize as many times as it takes. I'm not tired at all… From now on I can just keep apologizing until you actually accept it… So please don't go deciding on your own that it's over."
"We've already come too far to go back. Even if I accept your apology? Do you really think we could get along like we used to…?"
"Yeah. I'll put it back the way it was. I'll try harder. This time I'll do better. So…"
I carefully pried her arms off me. She seemed too emotional; I wanted her to calm down at least a little.
To be honest… I couldn't understand why Seoa was clinging to me this desperately.
Why would someone as proud as Seoa lower her pride this far just to hold onto me?
Had our relationship really been that precious to her? Looking back at how she'd treated me all this time, it didn't seem like it.
If not that, then maybe the regret over her own mistakes was hitting her late.
If it was the latter, then she still had lingering feelings for me.
But lingering feelings about what, exactly? I didn't get it. We weren't the kind of relationship that left room for that sort of attachment. We were just friends—what more could there be?
What did "doing better" even mean? What was she planning to try harder at from here?
I couldn't grasp the meaning. Those were lines lovers would say. The kind of things you hear between a couple actually breaking up.
But we weren't lovers. We'd just been a little closer than ordinary friends—so what was left that made her hold on like this? What was tearing her heart apart so badly right now?
And even if I did accept her apology… would a relationship patched back together like this really be healthy?
I didn't think so.
We could never go back to how things were. It would just be a clumsy performance, pretending to look like the past.
So who would that relationship even be for? It wouldn't be for anyone. Just a hollow shell that looked good on the outside.
A relationship we'd fall for just to ease the pain of this moment for a little while, even knowing it wasn't the right answer—nothing but empty form.
"It was all my fault. I took having you by my side for granted… No matter how cold I was, you always stayed quietly next to me. So I thought that was just how things were… But not anymore. And it won't be like that going forward either. So… won't you stay by my side again…?"
"If you were going to act like this now, you should've treated me better from the start."
Seoa had pleaded with me in a desperate voice, but hearing my harsh reply come back at her, her body went completely rigid—her earnest feelings rendered meaningless.
Seeing her reaction, I wondered if I shouldn't have said that. I hadn't come here today to poke at each other's emotions with words like that.
So I tried, even belatedly, to take the words back.
"You don't have to pay much attention to what I just said…"
But Seoa, having already heard me, seemed to have steeled herself for something.
Her hands trembled violently, and then she used one of them to slap her own cheek hard.
A sharp crack of flesh against flesh rang loudly through the room.
Startled by the sudden act, I could only stare, unable to stop her in time. Could someone really hit themselves that hard with their own hand? The force of it made me think so.
An unexpected turn.
I'd rather she'd slapped my cheek with that hand… I never imagined she'd hit her own.
"How many… how many more times should I hit myself? Or do you want to do it with your own hand, Minjae? I told you last time. If this is what it takes to be forgiven, I'll gladly do it."
"W-wait a second… This still isn't the way. Calm down."
"No, I'm the kind of bitch who deserves to get hit like this. Like you said, I should've done better from the beginning…"
Seoa's hands were still trembling violently.
Was it from the pain she felt, the rising anger, or the surging sorrow?
I didn't know. But either way, I had to calm her down. Whatever it was, I really didn't want things to go this way.
If I left her alone, it looked like she'd slap her own cheek again any second, so I grabbed both her arms.
"Calm down… Let's talk this out."
"Minjae… what do I have to do to change your mind…? Tell me. I really don't know anymore."
"First, just calm down. Only then can we talk about anything at all."
"I can't calm down… I can't. Watching you pull away from me, I just can't. Seeing you laugh and walk around with other girls drives me crazy… Watching you pass by like you don't even care about me drives me crazy too. Every time I see you like that, my heart hurts so much I feel like I could die right then and there…"
Seoa shook off the hands holding her arms, and now she was the one grabbing mine. She stroked my hand, and even slipped her fingers between my slightly parted ones, interlocking them.
It was disorienting. Suddenly this—what was going on? I was thrown off.
"Just stay by my side. Only smile next to me… Care only about me again… Okay? Please don't do the things you used to do for me with someone else… I'm jealous. So jealous I could go insane. Those were things you only ever did for me…"
"Why… would I have to do that? You know we're not that kind of relationship anymore."
"You don't like me anymore…?"
"…… I did like you, that's true, but that doesn't mean I still do."
Yeah, I could answer that without any hesitation now.
There was no place left for Seoa in my heart. And maybe someone else was trying to step into that empty space.
No—it seemed like someone else had already come in.
That was why I'd come here to settle things with Seoa so cleanly.
To accept someone new, the lingering traces of Seoa still remained in one corner. That wouldn't be fair at all to whoever came into my heart next.
In a way… maybe I was the one thinking of her as an obstacle now.
Strange, wasn't it? That was exactly how Seoa had treated me.
Not only that—the pain of watching her smile with other guys, the way my chest tore apart seeing her go out to eat something delicious with someone who wasn't me.
All of those were feelings I'd had while looking at Seoa… and now she was saying the same things to me.
"……"
Seoa fell silent again for a while. She just stared at my eyes with her lips pressed tightly shut.
Not knowing what sudden act she might pull next, I tensed up a little.
Look at her cheek, flushed red… The Seoa of right now might do something I couldn't even predict. Maybe something even worse than this.
I couldn't help but be on edge.
But Seoa, who had been glaring at me with an air that she was about to do something again, soon returned to a calm face.
Suddenly she was showing a perfectly peaceful expression, as if nothing had happened at all.
Then her sealed lips parted.
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that. I didn't hear anything today."
"……What are you talking about?"
"Minjae! How much did you even drink? Showing up out of nowhere at the place where I live alone…"
"Seoa?"
What on earth was this situation? Had she been so shocked by hearing that I no longer liked her? Nothing else made sense. Pretending she hadn't heard… and then treating me casually again, exactly like someone who really hadn't heard a thing.
With eyes swollen from crying for so long and a red cheek from slapping herself, Seoa began dealing with me as if nothing were wrong.
That sight was starting to scare me.
"Next time, let's drink just the two of us? We've never even had a drink together, right?"
"……"
"And tomorrow, after so long, can we walk home from school together like usual?"
"Why are you suddenly like this?"
"Hurry up and go. It's way too late. You need to get home and sleep too…"
She muttered things completely mismatched to the current situation, then forcibly dragged me toward the entrance and shoved me out. Faced with Seoa like that, I couldn't resist. In other words… it wasn't a situation where I could rashly do anything.
With Seoa looking like she wasn't in her right mind, I couldn't put up any resistance. And because I couldn't understand the situation unfolding at all, it felt like my brain had briefly shut down.
So, still dazed, I had no choice but to be pushed out of the house by that force that wasn't even particularly strong.
"Talk to me again next time. I'll be waiting."
I heard the entrance door slam shut with a heavy thud. In the end, it seemed Seoa planned to keep avoiding it until she heard the answer she wanted.
Ha… What the hell am I supposed to do?
I poured my whole heart into saying it, but if this is how it ends up, what am I supposed to do from here?