Worse Than Strangers
I came home.
For now, I went to the bed and lay down. I wasn't in any mood to do anything.
The whole way back, I had kept seething.
That was how angry I was. That was how disappointed I was in Seoa.
But once I returned to this house and its desolate air, my chest soon grew heavy and numb.
The extreme rage I'd shown only moments before seemed to rebound on itself, and an extreme numbness washed over me in its place.
When I leave, this room cools quickly. It loses its warmth in no time.
Is it because of this cold bed that my anger suddenly dies like this?
Is it the atmosphere of this quiet, empty room that lets this numb feeling flood in?
I curled up alone. Drawn in tight, I closed my eyes.
I'm sad.
I'm sad, I told myself.
But strangely, no tears came.
How to put it… maybe because I'd been hurting for so long already. Now that the end had actually arrived, it didn't hurt all that much.
Had my preparations to grow numb been that effective? Was this how my efforts were being rewarded?
Did I really have to receive that reward like this?
Couldn't we have just stayed close without needing to grow numb at all…?
I felt a little regretful, too. Now, of all times. I briefly entertained that thought now, of all times.
Maybe it was because I was such a pathetic bastard to begin with. Anyone else would probably just think things had worked out the ordinary way.
My chest was heavy and sad, sure—but at the same time, that sense of relief I'd been feeling mixed in and tormented me. In that moment, it had even felt almost exhilarating.
I don't want to think of it as relief, so why does this feeling keep coming over me?
I don't know.
I'm sad too. I'm sad. Just a few days ago… I was someone who loved Seoa.
Of course, it had been a one-sided love, but still.
Now even that secret loving has ended, so of course I should be sad.
I'm not so twisted that I wouldn't feel depressed in a situation like this.
But why do I keep feeling this sense of relief?
Is it because I think I've finally been freed from this pain?
Well—I had been through so much.
Look back on those times when I fretted alone over my feelings, when I had to pay attention to every little change.
I should rest a little too. I feel exhausted to the bone.
I should… start living my own life now.
All this time, I'd been dreaming a sweet dream.
It ended badly, but there were definitely sweet memories in between. I can call the time we spent sweet, can't I?
I didn't want to remember our relationship badly to the very end.
We had clearly been precious to each other.
At least, that's what I thought. And that's what I'll keep thinking. But now it stops at being a memory.
Yeah. I'm going to start living my own life anew. Escape the past where I clung to Seoa and let her steal the agency of my life, and do what I want to do.
It's not as hard as I thought. It's perfectly bearable…
Huh?
Lying curled up with my eyes squeezed shut, I suddenly snapped them open.
My eyes flew open as if something had startled me.
It was because I'd been startled by the voice of my own heart.
Why am I thinking like that? Just a moment ago I was sad… Just a moment ago I was plenty sad.
But suddenly nothing feels like anything.
I was startled by my own emotions. It felt like facing a stranger version of myself.
Ahh…
So sadness is ultimately similar to anger.
In the end, they were all trivial emotions that time resolves.
I'd been gnawing at myself all this time because I was afraid of that. I'd fretted constantly because I was scared of emotions that turned out to be nothing special.
Now that it's actually over with her, I feel at ease. Relieved.
Yeah, relieved. Fucking relieved.
The next day.
The eventful weekend was over, and it was Monday—the start of a new week.
But I didn't go to school. It wasn't that I'd deliberately decided not to go; when I opened my eyes, classes were already over.
Out of habit, I picked up my phone and opened Seoa's social media account.
Right… I don't have to do this anymore.
I gave myself a bitter little smile and set the phone back down. Habits are a terrifying thing. Your body reacts first, without a thought, just like this.
But deep down, I think I'd been expecting something.
I couldn't hide the disappointment as I set the phone down.
I hadn't even shown up to class, and there was no contact at all.
For someone who'd been so composed yesterday, my behavior still seemed to hold quite a bit of lingering attachment.
How stupid.
Maybe… Seoa hadn't come to school today either.
The thought crossed my mind, but I decided not to dwell on it.
We're not that kind of relationship anymore. Not the kind where one person worries about the other, pays attention to them.
I went into the bathroom and washed up for now.
Partly for cleanliness, but I also needed some kind of refreshment.
To wake this listless mind. And to wash away a bit of that unnameable heaviness that kept surging up again like yesterday.
The me reflected in the mirror was a pathetic sight. Just one day without shaving, and my beard had already grown scruffy. Hair matted into clumps. A disheveled mess of a face.
That a wreck like me had loved someone like Seoa—I really had been greedy.
"Pfft—"
Suddenly, the sight of myself gazing wistfully into the mirror struck me as funny.
Like I'd gone through a breakup all by myself. Looking into the mirror like someone who'd been dumped. There was no uglier sight than this.
I need to wash it all away. This version of me.
Wash it all away. The deep lingering scent the Seoa I loved left behind.
After washing up, I felt my mind clearing. I finally felt a little more human.
And… from now on, I planned to go to school.
I picked up my phone and checked the time.
I just didn't have class at this hour—school was still in full session.
By the time I arrived, the last classes would be ending and students would be starting to head home.
Would Sebin be in the club room again today?
I hoped she was in the club room. I hoped she'd greet me from that usual spot of hers.
That was the feeling that made me decide to go to school.
With Seoa gone from my side, I seemed to be already looking for a new familiarity to fill the empty space.
It looked like I wanted to find stability in the everyday life I spent with Sebin.
I was still a weak person. If Sebin found out I was seeking her out with this kind of intention, she'd probably be disappointed. She might even be upset.
But I couldn't help it. This time, I wanted to be selfish too.
I arrived at school right on the time I'd expected. If things went as usual, Sebin would be in the club room around now.
It wasn't that late yet. About the same time I usually headed to the club room.
I was the kind of guy who skipped school because I slept in, but still planned to show up at the club.
And the reason being to see Sebin. What a ridiculous bastard I am.
The moment I ran into an awkward encounter was on the way up the engineering building.
It was a path I inevitably had to take to get to the club room.
And that meant—since Seoa was in the same major as me—she'd naturally come down this path after class. I hadn't thought of that.
I'd even forgotten that our schedules were different only today. Today was the day she had class all the way to the end.
Whether I'd genuinely forgotten, or pretended to forget because I wanted to run into her again like this—I don't know.
But it didn't seem like I'd wanted a reunion with Seoa.
Because I ignored her. Our eyes met, but without a moment's hesitation I looked away. Then I kept walking the way I'd been going.
Probably… Seoa would ignore me too. Yesterday she'd shown me every bit of temper she had.
But perversely, it was Seoa who called out to me first. In a trembling voice, carefully, my name spilled from her lips.
A completely unexpected turn. Why was Seoa calling me?
"Mi-Minjae…"
Even hearing that voice, I kept walking. And it wasn't particularly difficult.
Even hearing that pitiful voice, my heart didn't move. I felt a sense of relief at that version of myself.
Thankfully… it seemed I'd succeeded in pulling away from Seoa.
And now we weren't that kind of relationship. Not the kind who cheerfully greet each other when we pass on the street.
Rather, we'd become something worse than strangers. Because we'd become the kind of people who deliberately ignore each other.
"You… heard that, right?"
"What's going on? Minjae ignoring even you…"
"Did you two fight or something?"
The friends walking with Seoa said that in startled voices. I could hear them as I passed her by.
But I didn't hear what Seoa said after that. Because I kept walking forward.
It no longer reached my ears.
I entered the club room.
"Minjae! Look at this!"
The moment I opened the door, Sebin showed every sign of having been waiting for me.
I was glad. And grateful.
Now Sebin was the only one left who welcomed me.
She hurriedly sat me down in the seat next to her. Then she turned on the computer and showed me something.
It was a game.
Yeah. This time it was a real game. Not just a program made of code like before—an actual game.
"How is it? Pretty good, right?"
She looked back and forth between the monitor and me, as if hoping for praise.
"Definitely… I can call it a game now."
"Come on! Give me a proper compliment!"
"Ah… you've improved a lot. That's a compliment."
"Hehe, thank you."
Sebin bowed her head while still seated. I dipped my head slightly to match her.
And so we spent time as usual—me giving feedback on the game she was making, chatting about little things.
I thought time was passing ordinarily like that.
But at some point, Sebin suddenly stared at me intently and opened her mouth.
"But… Minjae, is something bothering you…?"
"Huh…?"