The First Time I Took Him In
That was the first time I took his into my mouth.
If you set aside my son, it was only the second kiss of my life with a man. But the feeling was nothing like the last one. Of course, I don't mean it was better.
When it had been forced on me before, I had at least felt myself reacting somehow. Who the other person was didn't matter — something unknown inside me had seized my desire and stirred it at will until I could no longer control myself… a feeling like some disgusting act of self-gratification.
But this time… it was a catastrophe too terrible for words. It felt exactly like those scenes that play so often in nature documentaries — a savage carnivore that has finally brought down its prey, driving its teeth into the helpless herbivore's throat and snapping its neck.
So my eyes rolled back first. If Kang Ho had been looking at me properly, he might have recoiled in shock and pulled his mouth away. Seeing my eyes flipped white, my gaze gone slack, he would have been startled. Really… it was that much of a shock, both mental and physical.
I tried to force my mouth shut, but he ignored that and shoved my jaw open with his chin, then pushed his tongue — thick with the sticky reek of cigarette ash — into me and writhed it around. Being caught by a facehugger from the movie Alien might feel something like this, I thought.
So I literally lay there with my eyes rolled back, my wrist locked in his grip, unable to move an inch, forced to take his rough assault helplessly. But his violence wasn't limited to my lips. With one hand pinning my wrist, he still had the other free to do whatever he wanted.
And that hand went somewhere I did not want it to go. The moment it arrived, I screamed.
"Gguwooooogh!"
It was nothing like those cute little moans that show up so casually and so often in porn. My mouth was plugged, so I couldn't make a proper sound anyway — but at the root of it, a pig-slaughtering shriek tore itself out of me on its own. Because that free hand of his had seized my breast — which I could no longer cover — and pinched the swollen nipple hard between his fingers.
That touch scattered sparks all through my body. It was as if a current strong enough to electrocute me had sparked at the tip of my nipple and surged along the milk ducts, racing through every peripheral nerve inside me, wracking me with spasms like torture. What… is this? It was my own body, and even I was horrified by it.
I had thought it might be a little dangerous. Whenever I changed clothes or lifted something and that place brushed against fabric, the sensation had never been ordinary… so I had lived carefully, doing everything I could to avoid touching it. And yet… he was squeezing it outright. No. You can't do that there. If you do, I'll… I'll…
"Keuheuuuugh! Augh!"
It wasn't just sparks anymore. My back arched as if high-voltage current had jolted through me several times, and my whole body jerked. I wanted to run. I wanted to escape this torture that felt like it would kill me. So I thrashed my hips — but the only place they met was a dead end of taut muscle.
Wrist pinned, mouth sealed, breast crushed, body crushed under him — nowhere to flee, held down and bound by his hands. I was… no different from prey already hunted down by a predator, with nowhere left to run.
And that carnivore, savoring its catch, finally lifted his lips from mine and spoke close to my ear, almost in a whisper.
"Sensitivity's insane. Not much volume, but… the way you're trembling, I can feel it too."
"Keheok! Heok. Augh! Let go… please… eh? Not there! Aaaaaagh!"
My mouth, briefly free, begged the predator still holding my throat for mercy. It was the most abject thing imaginable. For a man who had once been the head of a household, it was a shameful submission almost too much to bear. But right now, it was the only thing I could do.
And yet… he answered that groveling plea of mine with something even crueler. His fingers moved to the last bastion still covering my body — over my panties — and began to stroke the secret place that had grown there… the woman's vagina that had thrown me into hell.
To be honest… when I first became this body and came home, I had been curious too. I had wanted to experiment — to feel what the female sex attached to my body, the kind that appears in comics and movies, actually felt like. But I had abandoned the thought almost at once. Because I was afraid of the result.
Even the reaction I felt from nothing more than a touch on my chest had already far surpassed the greatest pleasure I had ever known as a man in my entire life. And if I went as far as touching there? I hadn't had the courage to try. So I had left it alone.
No matter how much strange noise raged inside me, I had drawn a hard line around directly touching that place — the absolute final fort I must never cross. But that fort crumbled to nothing in his hands. A place so sensitive that even my own careful fingers would have set off chaos… conquered by someone else's hand.
Whether it was a mercy or not, he only stroked it moderately over the panties and showed no intention of going deeper… but even that alone let me understand, with my own body, what it means to say you feel like you're going to lose your mind. The sparks from my nipples had been battery-level; this was a high-voltage current whipping up a storm inside me.
"Kraaaaaagh! My body… my body's… kheuuuugh! Th-this isn't right."
My mouth, which wouldn't close properly, was babbling on its own. And all over my body, muscles twitched and shuddered and writhed as if cramping into spasms. At the same time, sweat burst out of me so hard my whole body felt damp, as if I were being wrung dry.
This was torture. He wasn't simply a jungle predator reduced to pure instinct.
He was an assailant who meant to break the will and convictions of the being called me, to force everything inside me into submission — who held my throat but did not cut it, and instead tormented me so viciously I could die. A butcher dismantling and destroying me completely. And so I shattered in his hands without even being able to resist.
"Keok! Augh! P-please. Not there…"
I thrashed the only free limbs I had — my legs — trying to escape his touch. But it was meaningless. The more I did, the deeper the hand that ruled my sex simply pressed in.
He was in no hurry, stroking that place slowly, and the only reason his hand was driven harder against me was my own useless kicking. Maybe it was even a kind of masturbation.
After all, the only one thrashing in frenzy was me. But I couldn't stop resisting, so that pointless self-stimulating thrashing went on, and something inside me kept climbing higher. I thought I would go insane. Watching me like that, he sneered.
"Whoa, you're burning up. Whole body flushed red, soaked in sweat. Were you always this wet of a woman?"
He wiped his hand across my stomach and held it up so I could see the water beading at his fingertips, snickering. Thanks to that, the hand that had been toying with my sex finally stopped, and I could catch my breath — but I still had to turn my face away from the fingers he shoved toward me, holding back tears with a face full of humiliation.
And then, in that moment, he also released the wrist he had been pinning for so long. Instinctively I thought I had to run, and I tried to roll across the bed and get away. But the moment I understood why he had let go, I froze solid.
"You… wh-what are you doing right now?"
"Hmm? Can't you tell by looking? I'm putting it on. What? Is it a safe day? Heh. If you don't need it, fine."
He was taking something from the bedside drawer — a condom the motel kept stocked — and rolling it onto his fully erect cock. At that action… real terror nearly undid me. There was only one thing this could mean. Insertion… into me…
"No. This is really not okay."
I muttered it like talking to myself and tried to flee. But it was a meaningless struggle. The only exit was in his direction. Behind me there was nothing but wall and bed. Just like my fate. As if being pinned down on this bed without the right to refuse was the destiny already assigned to me, there was no path left.
My mouth went dry; my tongue felt like it was burning. I stared at the cock he was leisurely covering. Big… a monster so large it was almost rude to compare it to what I had carried as a man. And it was twitching like an independent living thing that could not wait any longer.
That… is going to go inside me? Into a vagina that hasn't even existed for long, that until now no one had ever been allowed to enter? Hahaha. Hahahahaha! This is a nightmare. A truly hideous nightmare. Is the director Tim Burton? If so, this might be a masterpiece that sweeps the Academy Awards.
How else… could this insane, impossible situation be walking toward me as reality right before my eyes? That can't be right. If something like that goes in… I'm not exaggerating — I might actually die.
But even while I felt my life under threat, he remained utterly unhurried. After carefully filling the condom that wouldn't quite stretch all the way over his thing without a single gap, he even lit one of the cigarettes he had left on the table.
It felt like the last time granted to me — a final wish offered to a condemned man. When he finishes that cigarette… after that, that thing goes inside me? And the only things that can stop it are a pair of pitifully weak hands and a single scrap of panties already changing color with wetness.
No. I have to find some way. I can't just take this helplessly. If I do… I might become something different from who I am right now…
Another strange thought flashed through my head. But oddly, this one alone felt unmistakably true, an urgent reality pressing on me. The fear that the moment that thing took me, I might permanently lose the self I was barely still holding onto came down over me like a wave.
And in that instant, he put out the cigarette. Then he came toward me. The main event for real. Seeing that, a thought I had desperately scraped together in my head came out of my mouth.
"No insertion!"
"What are you talking about? Keep this up and I'll get pissed. Shut up and spread your legs."
"I said no! Insertion is absolutely not happening. The truth is, I'm a man!"
It was a desperate confession in its own way. Pathetic, even. But to him… it must have sounded hilarious.
"Ha… what? Sure, I'll grant that ajumma's got a bit of a tomboy look… but let's talk sense. Then what's this axe-cut getting wetter by the second?"
"This is… temporary. There's a situation. I'm really a man. So that, at least — no."
"Ah, for real, this is getting annoying. If you keep—"
"Please forgive me. In exchange, I'll do anything else you want."
On the bed I dropped to my knees, clasped my hands, and begged him in a posture almost like prayer. It was so wretched that tears stung my eyes. What kind of sight was this? A pathetic spectacle of me, weeping and begging a guy years younger not to fuck me.
But maybe that sincerity got through? Or maybe what I was doing was just too absurd? He stopped mid-irritation, looked at me, then let out a short, incredulous laugh and said,
"You'll do anything? For real?"
"Y-yeah. Really. I swear."
"Fine. Then suck it."
"Wh… what?"
For a moment I felt nothing but blank confusion at his words. But he pressed harder.
"Exactly what I said… come over and suck it. You said you don't want insertion, right? Then I've got to get it out some other way. How about it…? Or would you rather just get fucked?"
"N-no. I'll do it that way."
"Should've done that from the start. Crawl over here, get on your knees, and suck."
Complicated thoughts crossed in my chest. Relief that I had barely escaped the crisis, and at the same time despair that I had been thrown into something no lighter in the weight of its humiliation. But I had no right to refuse. So I lowered my head, put my hands on the floor, and crawled toward him.
I climbed down off the bed, crawled across the floor to him, and rose onto my knees. He held his cock out in front of my face. In that instant… my head swam.
Man… smell. And a strong one…
The fierce scent of him, mixed with the smell of the condom and body wash from after a shower, hung right under my nose. Strangely, the smell alone, if only a little, even offered something like calm. But the grotesque sight still stabbed fear through my eyes. And the mental shame as well.
I don't want this. But I have to. So just get it done.
I reached out with both hands and wrapped them around his cock. And… I brought my mouth to the tip. The man's place that I was taking into my mouth for the first time in my life… felt hard, and tough.