Winter, and the Banquet (2)
I hear a flood of congratulatory words and blessings packed with well-wishes from people I’ve never met before in my life. Father keeps his hand firmly on my shoulder the entire time, dragging me around the party as if determined to introduce me to every single guest.
Father physically joins our hands together and then gives my back another push.
Father squeezes my shoulder, urging me to greet the man properly.
“Haha… Hello. It’s nice to meet you.”
The strong-handed uncles shake our clasped hands up and down with such force that I feel like my arm might get yanked out of its socket. Yujin’s face is flushed bright red and she can’t seem to get a single word out. Father, on the other hand, beams with delight, watching me with a satisfied smile the whole time.
There’s no way I can blurt out that this is all a misunderstanding and run away. I don’t even want to imagine what would happen if I humiliated Yujin’s family in front of everyone here.
He drags me off to yet another new person. Is he seriously planning to introduce me to every single guest here…?
“Alright, I’ll leave you two alone now. Have fun!”
Father shoves both Yujin and me into a room.
The door closes.
In the space where only the two of us remain, silence settles for a moment.
Yujin is the first to break it. She walks over to me and takes my hand.
“I’m sorry… My mom and dad got the wrong idea…”
My head is pounding.
“What… exactly am I supposed to do about this?”
She doesn’t answer. Instead, Yujin lowers her head with a guilty expression.
“Yujin, it would have been better if you had told me in advance.”
Feeling suffocated, I shrug off my vest and undo the top button of my dress shirt to relieve some of the physical pressure. Then I sit on the edge of the large bed, clutching my head as I try to figure out what to do next.
“How on earth did your parents get this misunderstanding…?”
“Before… when I was holding you… Dad saw us.”
“…Sigh.”
Right. I suppose I’m partly to blame. Still, being thrust into this awkward situation feels incredibly unfair. Everything I do seems to trigger such unreasonable consequences.
“…I like you.”
At some point, Yujin has sat down beside me.
“If the two of us actually started dating, there wouldn’t be any problem, right?”
“Yujin, I already told you. I don’t want to be in that kind of relationship with a client.”
“Why… don’t you want to?”
“Love that develops between a counselor and a client is different from other kinds of love. We can’t truly fulfill what the other person wants.”
Yujin quickly clasps both of her hands over mine.
“That… that only happens because all the other kids who come for counseling are mentally ill. I’m normal, aren’t I? Right?”
“Yujin, I absolutely cannot date you. Please stop making this more difficult. It’s already too complicated…”
I can feel Yujin beginning to grow emotionally agitated. The trembling of her hands and the way her pupils shake tell me just how desperate she is. Her desperation scares me a little, so I try to pull my hand away, but she grips it even tighter and refuses to let go.
“Jihyun… I’ll do everything for you. Okay? I’ll let you do whatever you want.”
“First, let go of my hand. What I want most right now is to run away from here.”
“Is it because I’m your client and it feels burdensome? Then I’ll just quit counseling. That solves everything, doesn’t it?”
“Please…! That’s not what I mean. Just leave me alone already.”
I yank my hand free with force and stand up again. The anxiety, restlessness, and fear make it impossible to stay still. I pace around the room, racking my brain.
“What exactly am I lacking…? I’ll fix it. Just tell me and I’ll fix everything, okay…?”
Yujin blocks my path and grabs my hand again.
“Please, Yujin. Please…”
I slowly guide her back to the bed and make her sit down.
“Please stop putting me in such difficult positions. Understand?”
The anger at being put in this mortifying situation and the irritation at her constant clinging feel like they’re about to explode. I can sense some powerful emotion building inside her too, but she keeps her mouth shut and struggles to stay composed.
Right now, I don’t want to deal with Yujin’s feelings. I need to figure out how to clean up this mess with a family that’s connected to the director… No matter how hard I think, no good solution comes to mind, and that only makes the anger inside me rise again.
No. Calm down… I take a deep breath and force myself to regain control.
“…I’m sorry.”
Yujin’s voice cracks as she barely manages to apologize through tears.
“I just… told Mom and Dad that I liked you. I didn’t think it would blow up like this.”
“I know. I’m sorry for getting irritated too.”
Her tearful apology drains all the strength out of me. I can’t stay angry at someone who’s crying and saying she’s sorry.
“Hoo…”
I stop pacing and sit back down on the edge of the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.
“Your father and mother seem to really like me.”
“…Yeah.”
“I can understand why your father likes me—he enjoys having a drinking buddy—but why does your mother like me so much?”
“Dad’s been in a really good mood lately. Thanks to you.”
“…So he’s been having the time of his life with me around, huh.”
“And he wants to put a leash on me.”
“Using me?”
“I keep trying to climb higher, so he’s trying to distract me with you. Make me behave myself.”
“I keep getting dragged into difficult situations.”
We both just sit quietly on the bed, letting the emptiness wash over us.
“…But I really do like you.”
“…Yujin.”
“What I said earlier wasn’t just to smooth things over. I like you.”
She places her hand over mine again.
“At first, I was just a little curious about you.”
She puts her other hand on top of mine too, holding both of my hands tightly as she continues with a serious expression.
“Now I’m certain. This is love.”
Those sincere eyes, the pure, childlike love I feel from a woman older than me, and her repeated, tender confessions—they all make my heart waver.
“…I still don’t want to date anyone. Please stop…”
I reach out with my other hand to remove hers, but I can’t bring myself to use any real strength. For some reason, my throat feels tight and emotions surge up inside me. She grabs that hand too, pressing it firmly against her own soft lips.
“I’ll protect you.”
I feel the softness and warmth of her moist lips.
“Jihyun… I’ll stay by your side.”
A counselor must never fall in love with a client. In the end, only ruin and scars await that kind of relationship.
…But I don’t want to be alone anymore. I don’t want to let anyone go. I don’t want to curl up by myself like I did when I was a child…
Why do I keep getting hurt by love, yet still crave it again and again?
She gently lowers my hand.
“…Do you love me too?”
Instead, her lips slowly draw closer to mine.
My head spins. The fear of what kind of wounds this love might inflict on me rushes in. The women I’ve passed by, the women who whispered love to me, the women who wanted me to love them—they all flash through my mind.
“Jihyun… what exactly are you so afraid of…?”
Our breaths mingle, our noses almost touching, as she whispers. Her breath makes all those past faces disappear, and every ounce of my attention focuses solely on the beautiful woman right in front of me.
“I will never leave you. I will protect you, no matter what.”
Those seductive words sink into me like a brand. I accept her.
The moment our soft lips meet, my body reacts to the sexual stimulation it hasn’t felt in so long. After a brief kiss, the gaze we share is filled with mutual desire for more.
I slide down the black dress that had looked so perfect on her that I’d felt embarrassed just looking at it properly.
“No, that’s not how you’re supposed to take this off…”
Yujin flinches for a second and stops my hand, but then she smiles as if she’s given up and guides my hand back to her chest.
“Fine. Let’s just do it.”
Hearing her permission, I immediately pull the dress down from her chest and embrace her, feeling the full warmth of her upper body against me. She slips her hands between our tightly pressed bodies and begins undoing the remaining buttons of my dress shirt one by one.
With the sound of buttons popping, I’m freed from the clothes that had been constricting me. Both of us finally unleash the desires we had been holding back for so long.
She wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me deeply. But despite her eagerness, her tongue moves awkwardly from nervousness, and I can’t help but laugh. I gently push her back for a moment and ask,
“Yujin, this is your first time, isn’t it?”
“…If it’s that obvious, shouldn’t the expert teach me?”
She looks slightly offended as she pushes me down onto the bed and sticks her tongue out right above my face. I take the lead, sliding my tongue along hers and guiding the kiss. The kiss goes on for a long time.
In that long kiss with her, I feel a sense of stability—like someone is finally holding onto me. What does she want from me?
Praying that the two of us can simply fulfill each other’s desires and wishes, I slowly slide my hand downward.