Farewell
"Oh my, Mr. Kim, you're here? Shall I brew you a cup of coffee?" The lady greets me with a bright smile.
"Ah, no need. I already had some on the way. Once the director finishes his session, could you let him know I'm here?"
"Will do. Go on in and study at your leisure."
I am slowly growing accustomed to the warm hospitality of the lady who walks out from the front desk just to open the door to my counseling room. Ever since I took over Yujin's case, both the director and the lady have taken to expressing their gratitude like this. It seems their view of me has shifted after watching me shoulder a problematic client and witnessing that once-rude client gradually transform.
Thanks to that, I receive rather generous treatment despite being just an intern. They were always kind, but still...
I arrive at the clinic around lunchtime, avoiding the morning rush. There are hardly any clients in the early hours, and little for me to assist with anyway. I come in at a leisurely pace and read through the books and papers the director recommended. I pull out ones I've already read and go over them again, repeating until the contents flow naturally from my lips. Books and materials have begun to accumulate little by little on the shelf beside my desk.
I take on counseling for clients whose symptoms aren't too severe or those experiencing temporary confusion.
"Thank you, doctor. I feel so much better than before thanks to you."
"I'm the one who should thank you. You've worked hard. From now on, I'm certain you'll navigate everything well on your own."
I watch clients who realize their condition has improved and rejoice in it. When they smile brightly, different from before, I feel genuine joy as well. But a counselor's happiness always leads to parting. Once they're okay, they no longer come to see me.
After a few sessions, their faces become familiar. I keep sending those familiar people away.
"I'll stop by someday to let you know how I'm doing."
Every time I hear those words, I bless their future with all my heart, yet I remain seated long after they've gone, carrying the emptiness and desolation that bloom inside my chest. Sitting there quietly, I smile while imagining the happy future awaiting them. Yes, they may encounter difficult moments from time to time, but they will surely rise again. They won't come see me anymore; instead, they'll comfort themselves by recalling me in their memories.
With every completed session, the number of people I hold dear in my heart and bless grows.
"I'm the same."
When I sit on the sofa with the director sharing casual conversation, I learn about the nature of a counselor's work from him.
"Counseling is a bittersweet profession. Our job is to help clients manage emotions they can't bear alone, then, once they've returned to a normal range, simply wish them happiness as we send them on their way."
"I always thought helping someone would make me feel fulfilled."
"I used to think the same."
"...The human heart is complicated, isn't it?"
"Yes. That's how it is."
I take a sip of the coffee in my hand.
Only Yujin continues to come see me. We meet every week, talking about work, family, friends, the things she's experienced, and the emotions tangled around those events.
"It's so fucking disgusting how they stay quiet to your face and talk shit behind your back."
"You're right. I'd be angry too if I were in that situation."
"...Sorry. Cutting back on the swearing is harder than I thought."
"It's fine. It's a situation that would make anyone furious. Still, you're improving bit by bit, aren't you?"
I can see Yujin's aggression and her tendency to look down on and dismiss others gradually getting better. One day, Yujin too will smile at me and say goodbye. The longer the counseling continues, the more that farewell cuts deep into the heart. But I never let them see it. They're leaving for their own happiness, so I send them off with a smile.
"And Dad wants to see you. Are you free this Saturday?"
"Yes. I don't have anything else scheduled besides counseling anyway."
"I'll tell him. Come out in front of the house around nine in the morning. I'll send a car."
Occasionally I meet her father like this. He calls me over and uses me as an excuse to open the bottles of liquor he's been saving. As if drinking any more would be too much to handle afterward, he simply strokes the empty glass endlessly.
"You have to come next time too. Understood? These days I'm only waiting for you to visit, Jihyun."
Faced with him clutching my hand tightly and pleading so desperately, my heart grows endlessly weak. I simply smile and leave with the promise that I'll come again.
"Hey, Mom doesn't like you."
Yujin and I stroll through the garden as we talk.
"Dad was warning me that you only come over to drink with him."
"You need to shield me better, Yujin."
"I already am, aren't I? Just don't cross any lines or cause trouble when you're drinking with Dad."
"Of course not."
"My relationship with Mom is already bad, so if you give her any excuse it'll be a real headache."
"Why did things get so bad between you and your mother?"
The trees that have already shed their leaves tremble alone on their bare branches. I stroke those trees and ask about her family.
"It's always been like that."
Yujin presses close to my side and looks up at the trees.
"Mom sees me as an obstacle. I've taken away the time she could spend with Dad."
"She seems quite obsessed with your father."
"Yeah. She's just a crazy bitch."
Yujin lowers her head and kicks at the thick pile of fallen leaves on the ground.
"I know it too. That I inherited that bastard's shitty personality."
From Yujin's words I feel a deep, bone-aching hatred and self-loathing.
"Don't talk about yourself that way."
I stroke another branch still holding a few leaves and pluck one free, letting it fall to the earth.
"You're a good person, Yujin."
The leaf lands on the pile she had scattered.
"Let me tell you something about myself too."
I gently touch my wrist through my sleeve.
"...I once cut my wrist. A lot of things were happening, and it seemed like the only solution left."
"...Show me."
I roll up my sleeve and reveal the scar.
"It's really big."
"You've never seen it before, right...? I was so worried I might have accidentally shown it to you or your family."
"No, you haven't."
A cold wind blows, and far more leaves than the one I plucked cascade down. Beneath the falling leaves, Yujin pulls me into her arms.
"...I'm hugging you so you don't get hit by the leaves."
"I see..."
The wind dies down, yet even after the leaves stop falling I remain in her embrace. She keeps holding me.
"I wasn't trying to kill myself, so please don't misunderstand. I just... had no other choice."
"Okay."
"Yujin, the world is full of painful things. Somewhere people are laughing and playing, while somewhere else others are drowning in despair."
"Yeah."
"Life is the same. Sometimes it's happy, sometimes it's crushing."
"Yeah."
"The elements of life are the same. Some become obstacles for me, while others give me strength."
"Yeah."
"Accept both the negative things and the positive things you feel, Yujin. Life means experiencing both."
"I know."
"But negative things don't always end there. They often trigger even more rotten emotions and create a vicious cycle."
"Yeah."
"At times like that, you have to overcome the stupid thoughts that drag you down that descending spiral."
"Right."
"I won't pay attention to scars like this anymore."
"Yeah."
"You should live without linking yourself to your mother either."
"...Yeah."
"Grow so wonderfully and so quickly that you leave me behind."
"..."
"Once you're able to live happily, leave me quickly."
"..."
"The longer you stay with me, the harder it becomes for you, Yujin."
"....."
The arms wrapped around me tighten, pulling me closer in a firm embrace.
"Please leave quickly. All right?"
"....."
"I'll be waiting for the day you go."
I think of the people I've sent away. The ones who no longer come looking for me. Jimin comes to mind. I believe she's doing well, free of me. Jieun comes to mind too. I pray she won't wait for me and will go far away. Finally, I think of Yujin, who holds me against the nape of her neck. Beyond her perfume, I catch the faint, warm scent of her skin. I feel her within the embrace—her warmth, her clothes, her body, even the beating of her heart...
"You can let go now."
Yujin loosens the arms that held me. The fact that we're standing this close, eyes locked, makes it feel as though tears might spill at any moment. In this moment where I feel utterly alone, I accept that I have entrusted my body to this client. I confront the part of myself that pushes everyone away yet fears being left behind. The child who cowers, lost in thought, avoiding love, yet despairs when people leave. I face the young version of myself, hunched and staring back at me.
"Please forget what happened today. I'm sorry."
I adjust my coat once more and step back from her.
"I'll be going. You don't need to call a car. I'll just take the subway today."
"...Jihyun."
Yujin catches my hand.
"No. Don't say anything. I'm leaving."
I shake off her hand and walk quickly toward the entrance. The crouched boy buries his head between his knees and finally lets the tears fall. Remembering once more those who have left me, I walk away from Yujin.