A Fool Who Can Only Grow (2)
Today is game day. I'm definitely playing games no matter what. But what game? I got nothing to play. That's the problem... I've made up my mind. And then another dilemma pops up. The issue is these worries just keep coming nonstop. How do I overcome it? No such method exists. The only way is sleep... Yeah, nothing but sleep. But even that's just a band-aid. When I wake up, the worries come right back. It's a burden I have to carry my whole life. I can't fix it even if I want to. It's unavoidable. It's just how I'm wired... All I can do is accept it with detachment.
"What game should I play?"
I pondered while scrolling through my YouTube channel. What game to go with? I scrolled back through it all. I've played so many games. Looking at it like this, I feel kinda proud... So, what's a game I haven't done enough? Too many... Way too many to choose from.
For starters, my first video was Minecraft... That was back in my total newbie "baby" days when I knew zilch... I got trolled by viewers a ton, and it was straight-up boring. Honestly, they called me a Minecraft pro gamer, so I believed it. Believed it hard. I thought I was actually good at grinding compared to others. But nope. It was all sarcasm. I found out way later... Way later... Man, the betrayal hit like a truck. I was dead serious about believing it back then...
"Huh...?"
A spark. Should I try Minecraft again? Like a renewal...? But what would I even do? Dragon hunt? Too stale. The second I announce it, chat goes dead silent. No one's gonna type anything. That's terrifying. Scary as hell. So what then? No... I'm doing Minecraft first? I asked myself.
"Minecraft, huh... Hmm... I don't remember a thing."
Honestly, it's been so long the controls are fuzzy. Can I even play decently? Maybe another game? But there's nothing worth playing. For real, nothing. Among the playable ones, zilch that's actually fun. Zombie killing again? I'm burned out. Bringing a fresh game? No growth there. With a new game... it'd be the same as always. I'd never improve. Just staring at a wall playing games like before.
"Hmm..."
I spun my chair around and around while thinking. Spinning makes me dizzy. Can't think like this... I stopped the chair and flopped onto the floor. Lying down is best for focus. Concentration skyrockets like this.
"This is seriously tough."
Mathematicians solving hard problems must feel like this, right? Thinking that way makes me sound like a big deal! A big deal's choices gotta be careful. See? All my random thoughts have meaning now. Yeah. It's supposed to be hard. I'm doing great. I reached my hand toward the ceiling like a sailor at sea. Then clenched my fist tight and yelled.
"I'm doing great!! Totally nailing it!!"
Thirty minutes since I went live. Haven't dropped the Minecraft bomb yet. Time to drop the bomb...
"I'm playing a game today, guys. A super fun one. Not an everyday thing!"
"No... but I came prepared too."
I opened the notepad I'd scribbled in earlier. Notepad had: Check chat every 5 mins. Interact every 5 mins. Game briefing every 5 mins. GROWTH! Viewers' reactions to this...
"Please really believe me. Look... I even set alarms every 5 minutes."
Haven't set 'em yet, but I'm doing it now. I pulled out my phone... and set the alarms one by one. Made 12 for the first hour.
"...I just set the alarms too. Please just watch one game stream for real. I won't shut up. Promise."
I appealed to their emotions. How can they not watch after this? That's too harsh... They gotta watch now...!!
"Watch even if you don't wanna."
If they say that... no choice. I launched Minecraft. Hands shaking 'cause it's been forever. Quick glance at chat.
"Not a collab. Lemme grind a bit."
"Not at all..."
This is veering weird. I was dead set on Minecraft for real. But viewers think it's collab prep.
"Totally not! Just solo!"
"Can't play solo?"
Ridiculous. So many people play Minecraft. Does that mean they're all playing with someone? No way. You think that makes sense?
"No! No relation to Maru at all. I just wanna..."
This big a deal? Never imagined the ripple effect.
"You can totally solo it."
"No... really?"
Then that's cool? First is good, right?
"First ever, so should I?"
Am I weird? Where'd I exude mental pressure? No clue. Explain it. I'll change if you explain. Always ganging up like this... puts me in a spot. I don't get it? Viewers... where and how did I mental battle? Asking like this... now it's "vicious girl stage 4, toxic girl." What'd I do? I always lose these fights anyway.
"Fine, I'll do it."
From doing this boring battle daily, I learned one trick. Arguing with viewers? I always lose. No matter what I say. So... just follow my heart.
"First ever! Trust me and stick around!"
Sorry, but begging's useless. My mental game's weak. Can't even mental battle with my stamina. Barely have any... But my stubbornness? Off the charts. Total bull-headed. Even my parents are amazed. No way viewers break it. Not even I can. Uhihi.
"Viewer participation?"
Viewer participation. Content where viewers help run the stream.
"Viewer participation, huh... Hmm... Will it work? Can I trust it?"
Viewers say "trust us." But that's like giving fish to a cat. Hand fish to family cat? It'll eat it. Then what? ...Yeah? Wait, no! No! If the cat's hungry and it's family... what's wrong? Fine, right? Uh... um... Ah! No. I'm hungry too. It's my fish the cat ate. But weird? Why give fish to cat? Just grill and eat. Proverb's odd? Doesn't make sense. Searched "give fish to cat" proverb. Oh... that's it. "Entrusting something important to an untrustworthy person."
"..."
Aha! Context clears it up! Not giving to good family cat... but bad cat! Got it.
"No... not like that...!"
I get it, but embarrassing. Can't admit it. "Couldn't get bad cat proverb so googled." No way. Just call it mental battle. Yeah. Mental battled.
"Yeah. Mental battle. Did it. Yup!"
Public opinion flipped instantly. What? Can't understand viewers no matter how hard I try. Why good this time? No idea. Thought I grew... still full of flaws.
"Viewer participation..."
In my dilemma, spotted a hilarious chat.
Fanmeet sounds classy, cool, appealing. Stokes that validation itch...
"Fanmeet? Heehee."
Branding matters. Viewer participation sounded like naughty Jang fans causing chaos. But fanmeet? Fan encounter... heart-pounding!
"Sweet! Angels who wanna see Sena, hands up!!"
Hands shooting up like crazy. Some feet too, but no squeezing those in! Quick, pile on my thumb!