Nothing Else to Give
"Ah, that isn't it…."
"Or did someone knock you down?"
His voice was quiet, but the air around him was anything but calm. On that expressionless face it was hard to tell whether what showed through was indifference or a suspicion he was holding down. Elona hurried to explain.
"It isn't like that. Something came up that I couldn't help."
"What kind of something?"
"When I came out from washing, there was a scorpion in the clothes basket. It looked dangerous, so I didn't touch it. I just tipped the basket onto the ground. That's why my clothes ended up like this."
Kazan stared into her eyes without a word. Had he caught even a trace of a lie, he looked ready to press her, but a moment later he let out a hollow laugh.
"A scorpion."
He muttered it briefly, then went on as if the fact had caught him off guard.
"You actually knew it was venomous. There are no scorpions in Parsion. This must have been the first time you'd ever seen one."
"Well… because you told me."
She answered, but Kazan offered nothing in return. Growing a little anxious, Elona pressed on.
"You taught me what I ought to watch out for if I ever went into the desert. When we were young. Don't you remember?"
She had been about sixteen. In those days, as she drew closer to Kazan, Elona had taken a keen interest in Ashatra, that unknown kingdom of the desert, and whenever she found a spare moment she would ask him about Ashatra, about the sands. When she brought that place up, Kazan talked more than he usually did, and she had loved the sound of that low voice.
But the Kazan before her now turned his gaze aside, his face blank.
"Hard to say. Did I ever tell you that."
Had he truly forgotten, or was he only pretending? Elona wanted to demand an answer, but she held her tongue. She would never get the one she wanted. The Kazan she had met again was busy erasing the tender past they had shared. Revenge was his only concern. Memory was nothing but an unnecessary hindrance.
"…You're going to do it again today, aren't you."
She asked it quietly, gathering the soiled hem of her skirt in her hands. Kazan answered as if he had been asked something too obvious to bother with, his voice thick with boredom.
"Why ask what's obvious?"
"Because we do it so often. Every single day, without missing one. Even though you say you don't love me…."
"Because you don't want to."
At that indifferent remark, Elona's mouth closed. Watching her blue eyes grow wet with shock, he went on, perfectly calm.
"When I hold you, you suffer. You fret to get out from under me."
Kazan came toward her, tossing out cruel words as if they were nothing. Elona flinched and took a step back, then realized all at once what lay behind her. Unlike the nights until now, there was nowhere to lean. The cloth hung across the entrance would not hold her up, and the tent walls were thin enough that every sound would carry outside. If he took her in a place like this, everyone out there would surely imagine exactly what was being done to her.
How awful. Looking down at her face gone white, he whispered low.
"I really like your face while we do it, Elona. You look as if you're truly in pain, and that satisfies me."
The longer he spoke, the more Elona's eyes drooped, all the strength gone out of them. She murmured in a desolate voice.
"But I… I want to talk with you first. There's so much I want to say…."
A thin sweat had begun to film her hands, and they trembled. Gathering her courage, she met Kazan's eyes and barely managed to speak.
"We can't even see each other in the daytime. We only meet like this at night, and to join our bodies with no meaning at all…."
"What is there for the two of us to talk about?"
The cold question stopped her words again. A thin sneer spread at the corner of his mouth, as if he found her absurd.
"Elona. You still don't seem to understand your place."
Kazan caught her chin in one hand and lifted it. His firm thumb pressed slowly into her weary lips.
"You are a slave. I am your master. So when I order you to keep your mouth shut, you obey. If I want your lips, you give me your lips. If I want your body, you offer your body. Simple, isn't it."
At last tears gathered in Elona's eyes. She asked as if begging.
"Kazan, don't you want anything else from me?"
"What could you even give?"
His large hand closed around her slender waist and pulled her in hard. Clothes lay between them, and still his body was hot. She tensed at that heat thick with desire and swallowed a breath, and he stroked her back as he asked,
"Elona. Aside from this, what exactly do you think you can give me?"
"I… I want to apologize to you."
Elona forced the words out and set one hand against his chest. His body was this hot, and his eyes were cold as ice. Swallowing a sob, she tried again.
"I want to turn your heart back. I want to love you. The way we used to…."
Every word was sincere. But Kazan dismissed her wish in a voice like frost.
"Sophistry. In the end, what you're saying is that I should forget everything and love you. Those aren't things you're offering. They're things you need. You're begging me for a mercy that costs you nothing."
Kazan drew her upper garment down as far as her waist and whispered low.
"Without a shred of shame."
"Nnh…."
His hand closed gently over the breast laid bare. Elona shook her head and pushed at him, but he only caught her wrist and drew her in, speaking with certainty.
"So in the end, this is all you can give."
Elona wanted to deny every word of it. I can give you anything. My sincerity, my love, my whole life. I have been able to, ever since that night seven years ago, when I was told you were dead.
But she was already caught in his grip and being dragged toward the camp cot. That was the reality. She had nothing. She had lost her station, lost her freedom, and long ago lost even the right to love him.
Before the god-blessed king of Ashatra, whatever merit or ability a princess of a fallen kingdom might put forward was a trifling thing. So perhaps he was right. The only thing left for her to do was take his desire into herself night after night, and moan.
"I don't want to."
Thrown onto the narrow bed, Elona curled in on herself and denied what was happening. Her naked body looked pale and frail. Kazan climbed onto the bed without a word, one knee braced against it. Elona wrapped her arms around her own shoulders and shook her head.
"I don't want to. Please… don't."
But Kazan set his mouth against the ear of the woman curled so small. Warm breath scattered across her cheek, then drifted slowly downward. Touching his lips to the line of her jaw, he whispered,
"If you can't bear it, cry. Scream all you like. Everyone knows anyway."
"Hhk…."
"What I do to you every night."
He caught her hunched shoulders and turned her onto her back so she faced upward. His large body cast its shadow over Elona's slender one. Lantern light wavered across his powerful silhouette, and the sight felt unreal. When she clamped her mouth shut and turned her head away, his body came down and pressed her gently beneath him.
"Kazan, stop…."
"We've only just begun."
He kissed the shell of her ear on purpose, a soft wet sound. When she flinched and trembled, his movements grew bolder still. While one hand finished stripping away what remained of her clothes, the other began to caress her breast in earnest. When Elona at last kept her mouth shut and shook her head, he bit her earlobe lightly, as if in punishment.
"Ah…!"
"I don't mind if you refuse. But…."
His hand slid between the legs of the woman now fully undressed. Long fingers parted her most private place without warning, and Elona's mind went hazy. Whether she struck his chest or not, he whispered as if she were laughable.
"It's a problem if you're this dry."
"Please, I said I don't want—"