Their respective struggles
Their respective struggles
Teobeok... teobeok..
As a chilly wind blows, I come to my senses.
'...What was I doing just now?'
I looked around.
Late at night. I couldn't even see the road properly.
My body was returning to the church, relying on the moonlight.
'It's cold.'
My body instinctively searched for Stachys, who always shared his warmth at times like this.
Because whenever it was cold, I'd always stick right by his side.
But today, Stachys wasn't around.
'Oh... right.'
He has a girlfriend now.
He decided not to walk me back unless something special happened.
-'Stachys... walk me to the church.'
With a somewhat firm voice, he had answered.
-'Sorry, Vien. Unless something's up, please walk back alone from now on.'
I'm newly realizing how cold the walk back was.
-'Elzain.'
Stachys's voice comes to mind.
My heart drops with a thud.
It was real... it was actually real.
A girlfriend.
Until I heard her name, I tried not to believe it.
There was no way, and I knew Stachys wouldn't lie, but I still held a self-centered hope: Could it be a joke?
That was all until I heard her name.
Hearing her name made it genuinely sink in that she was a real person,
and I had to believe that Stachys had formed a new relationship somewhere out of my sight.
"Ha-ha.... Ha...."
A hollow laugh burst out of me before I even realized it.
-'His body is... cool, or something?'
The answer that came back when I asked what she liked about him to confess.
Crun-ch.
Heat rushed to my face.
Stachys's body is something I made.
The minor scars on his body from doing dangerous work with him for years.
I was the one who restored his lost flesh and blood.
Since I've healed him so many times, it's safe to say there is barely any part of his body that hasn't been touched by my hands.
No one knows Stachys's body better than I do.
It's a body I've protected.
And it was snatched away in a single instant.
Besides, I can't believe it.
Just that?
Out of Stachys's countless charms, she confessed over just that one thing, and I lost Stachys over that?
To some bitch who doesn't even properly know Stachys's charms?
Stachys has a great body, but
his heart is also so kind.
Among all the people I've seen while living as a saintess, he's hands down number one.
His voice is cool.
His face is charming once you look at it more.
He's dependable.
The man who simply yields on trivial things
never backs down on important matters.
Being with him puts my mind at ease.
His actions are good.
The smile he shows every now and then is pretty.
....He changed me.
I was scared.
That his unyielding behavior at times might be directed at me, too.
Walking home alone today felt like just a preview of that.
The moment I saw his gaze and tone of voice,
Ah, I realized that no matter how much I sulked or threw tantrums, it wasn't going to work.
Teobeok.... teobeok...
When I raised my head, a giant tree appeared before my eyes.
-'I first met her after walking Vien to the church. You know that big tree on the way from the church to my house? Right around there.'
So this is the tree.
It felt as though it was vividly drawn right before my eyes.
The scene of Stachys and that woman meeting.
What if... what if I had sent him off a little earlier, or a little later?
Or if I had just seen him off that one time, wouldn't this future have been avoided?
Could Stachys still have remained unclaimed by anyone?
I regretted it so much my hands were shaking.
Is there no way to turn back time...
I even have such foolish thoughts.
After walking a while longer, the church came into view.
A woman was standing in front of the church.
Seeing me, she ran over.
"Vien!! Why are you so late today?!"
Trainee saintess like me, 'Casey'.
A child who, like me, grew up as an orphan in the church since childhood.
"That man isn't here today? The guy you like."
My heart squeezes tight.
I didn't want to talk about it.
"I'm going in..."
Stepping slightly past Casey, I went inside the church.
But she blocked my path.
"Vien! What's wrong with you these days..? You look terrible."
"Just move aside.."
"No way. Something happened, right? Ever since we came back from the dungeon last time, you've looked so exhausted."
"..."
"Is it about that guy?"
Tightly. I pressed my lips together even firmer.
"Come over here for a second."
Looking around, Casey pulled my arm and headed to a nearby bench.
I was dragged along powerlessly.
Once she sat me down on the bench, Casey asked,
"Did that guy get hurt? It seems like the first time he hasn't walked you back."
As expected, I didn't want to answer.
When I stayed silent, Casey said softly,
"Vien... you have to tell me so I can at least give you advice... Talk to me. You have to pour your heart out so it doesn't fester."
After keeping silent for a long while, I slowly opened my mouth.
"...He didn't get hurt."
"Then, did you fight?"
I shook my head.
"Then what is it?"
Casey asked carefully, placing a hand on my shoulder.
The words I didn't want to hear came spilling out through my throat.
"Stachys... has a girlfriend."
"Ah.."
Tears that I thought wouldn't flow anymore because all my strength was drained
streamed down continuously.
"He said he won't walk me home anymore."
"Vi, Vien.."
"The expression he wore when saying that was so firm... What... what should I do?"
"..."
Casey's face also dyed with pity.
"I can't live without Stachys... What do I do?"
Casey hugged me without a word.
She patted my back.
Then, tears I thought couldn't possibly come out flowed even more endlessly.
"I told you to be a little more honest..."
"I didn't know it would turn out like this..."
"It would be stranger for a guy like that not to have a partner... He's dependable, stupidly kind, devoted. From what you tell me, he's manly when he needs to be. Ah, should I not be saying things like this..?"
At her words, I started sobbing out loud.
Right. I knew.
"I should have mustered just a little more courage... If I had confessed... If I had confessed..."
"Well... it might not have worked out anyway, Vien... Let's think of it that way."
"That's not it!!"
Stachys's voice echoed in my head.
-Maybe?
If I had confessed.
If I had suppressed my heart, which felt like it would burst out, and spoken up.
Could he have become mine?
Could I have become his?
Would he still have walked me home?
Probably. He would have.
If I had just once, strictly just once, conveyed my honest feelings,
I would be sitting right by his side right now.
-'I love you, Vien'
I would have heard words like these in his voice to my heart's content.
The words I wanted to hear at least once.
Now, I can only hear them in my imagination.
If I had mustered the courage
I wouldn't have had to experience these feelings right now.
I buried my face in Casey's shoulder.
"Sob... uuuugh...."
"Oh dear.... Vien, what am I going to do with you..."
"Sob... huuu..."
"...Then are you going to quit the party? Going into the dungeon was all because of that guy anyway."
Quit the party...?
Because he's not mine anymore?
.
.
.
No. Absolutely not.
If I quit, there... won't be any point of contact with him anymore.
I won't be able to see him anymore.
My life cannot do without Stachys.
I don't think I could bear that much.
Kwaaaaaah... ha.
I woke up refreshingly in bed today as well.
I was a little surprised by the sudden visit late last night,
but now I think it actually turned out for the best.
Because it's better to just get the lie out of the way quickly and ease my mind rather than constantly fretting over when I'd have to tell it.
I was also scared of getting caught by telling unnatural lies while drunk, but judging by how it went, it seems I pulled it off well.
From now on, I'll be able to turn down appointments with just a few words about needing to go see my girlfriend, without any lengthy explanations.
Or I can turn them down a bit more firmly.
My conscience stings, and I feel a sense of self-loathing over this ugly lie about having a girlfriend, but hey, those things don't buy me my rest time. I figured these were parts I just had to endure.
"Oh right."
Time for a hangover cure.
I opened my room door and went down to the first-floor cafeteria.
Many people were already enjoying breakfast.
To someone like me who always headed out at dawn, this moment felt somewhat nostalgic and cozy.
It has a different vibe compared to when eating lunch or dinner.
This moment where everyone eats breakfast to start their day.
I liked it.
I sat down at a random empty seat.
What should I eat?
While pondering over the food, I also thought about today's schedule.
There are still 3 days of rest left.
Should I go fishing, something I wanted to do but couldn't?
Should I rent a horse and go for a long ride?
Should I buy a few flowers and try growing them?
In a way, with the leisure suddenly handed to me, it was hard to decide what to do.
Ah.
Then it hit me.
I still have one task left.
Once this task is done, none of the three will have any reason to come looking for me until the day we go to the dungeon.
Right, let's finish that first and then think.
Ah, let's eat first.
"Ma'am!"
-Knock knock knock
With hollow eyes, I stared at the door where the knocking sound was coming from.
I hadn't been able to sleep since yesterday.
Two scenes kept lingering in my head.
When Stachys asked me a week ago,
-'Lily noona, do you like me?'
and yesterday, when I was asked if I would have accepted a confession from anyone, and replied,
-'Maybe?'
the moment I said that.
Last week, because Stachys was angry, I couldn't summon the courage.
Fearing I might get rejected.
I didn't say I liked him.
I said I didn't like him.
And on the last day of that week's holiday, Stachys got a girlfriend.
I had a chance.
If I had thought about breaking the Stachys Treaty right there,
and clashed my feelings against him, I would have been by Stachys's side instead of that bitch Elzain.
And that single thought kept me from sleeping.
I hadn't intended to sleep in the first place, but it kept torturing me.
A moment when his scent, his actions, his body, and everything about him could have become mine had come to me, but I let it slip away without even realizing it.
It was the moment my multi-year unrequited love ended, and the moment my dream could have come true, yet I let it flow away.
And the opportunity never returns.
-Knock knock knock
The knocking sound was heard once more.
I didn't want to be disturbed at this moment.
Because I've never tasted a worse feeling than this in my life.
I felt like I'd end up venting this mood on someone for no reason.
-Knock knock knock
Even without making a presence, the knocking persists stubbornly.
Ha.
With a sigh, I got up.
Honestly. Hoping against hope that it might be Stachys.
-Screeech.
Sure enough, it was just some random woman.
A woman dressed in a neat official uniform greeted me and handed over a box.
"Hello! You're Lily-ssi... right? The men's clothing ordered last week is finished, so I've come to deliver it!"
Ah. That.
I had completely forgotten about it.
A hollow laugh escaped me.
"...Ha-ha..."
It was clothes I bought because I wanted to see him in them, but as I literally said, it ended up being a gift for Stachys's girlfriend.
Is this karma coming back to bite me for telling him to wear it when meeting his girlfriend?
Is it my sin for not being honest?
The past me was torturing the present me.
"Then! I'll be going! Please use us again next time!"
I received the box, gave a short greeting, and closed the door.
I bought it at an expensive shop wishing for Stachys to wear nice clothes.
If I knew I'd be doing someone else a favor, I should have bought cheap clothes.
No. Still, I can't give cheap gifts to the man I love.
Right. I should have just confessed.
Why on earth couldn't I find the courage?
Papak
I raised my hand, shook my head, and shook away the thoughts as well.
I must stop regretting now.
I want to stop.
It hurts too much to go on.
I opened the box and took out the clothes.
It was completely different from the shabby-looking clothes of the same design shown as an example.
From the texture of the fabric to the curves the garment created.
Gulp.
I slowly laid out each piece of clothing on the bed in the shape of a person.
As clothes tailored to fit his body perfectly,
even just laying down the clothes, his physique seemed visible.
I lay down on top of it.
"...Haa... haa..."
If I imagined just a little, it felt like I was in his arms.
If only it had his scent, if only it was clothes he had worn just once, it would have been perfect.
I kept racking my brain.
Honestly, it felt like I was doing that bitch Elzain a favor,
like doing a favor to the bitch who snatched away my Stachys, and my stomach was twisting in bitterness.
I clenched my fists so hard it felt like my nails would dig into my palms.
I just wanted to tear the clothes apart.
But thinking of how much Stachys would like them, I couldn't do that.
It was also a gift I really wanted to give him, provided I could just push thoughts of that stress-inducing girlfriend bitch out of my mind.
So I had to rack my brain.
How I could make good use of this gift.
Ah. Then a flash of an idea hit me.
.
.
.
-Knock knock knock
Some time later, a knocking sound was heard.
I could immediately tell who it was without even looking.
It's Stachys.
Even though we hadn't made an appointment after receiving the clothes, I knew he would come.
He probably wanted to show these clothes to his girlfriend, right?
My teeth ground together, but there would be nothing uglier to show him than suddenly saying I won't give them to him now.
I walked over to the clothes I had folded and put back in the box.
It was the final test before handing the clothes over to Stachys.
Concentrating my mind, I activated the magic cast on the clothes.
Then, I spoke into the clothes.
"...Ah, ah."
-Ah, ah.
My voice echoing back in my ears.
I nodded and headed toward the door.
I tidied my messed-up hair and rubbed away the tear stains somehow.
With a click, I opened the door to reveal my love.
The man who always shone whenever I looked at him, the man who... should have been mine.
I forcibly lifted the corners of my mouth.
"Stachys...! Ahem, ahem. What brings you to noona's house..? If you came to pick up the clothes, they're ready."