The Child Without Emotions Dreams of Being Ordinary

No. That's wrong.

Humans do not fear the unknown because they 'do not know' what lies beyond it.

True fear comes from 'instinctively knowing' that the end of that unknown will one day inevitably arrive.

It was the world's most tragic failsafe, forged by someone who had witnessed the end of the world.

Could a child abandoned by fate itself — cast aside by the world — ever find an ordinary happiness?

"Don't make that gloomy face with those hollow eyes. You're handsome enough as it is."

My big sister is truly strange. She knows perfectly well that I have trouble feeling emotions, and yet she insists on hugging me anyway and bursting into tears.

"Sis, you're suffocating me."

"Haah… Otonashi, you really do have a gift for draining the life out of people."

That was the scene on the morning of my high school entrance ceremony. Ever since my parents disappeared, I was heading to school alongside my big sister — the only family I had left.

Hollow eyes. That was what people called me.

Everyone around me said I'd been unable to properly feel emotion since the day I was born.

And yet today, I had a premonition — a sense that something was about to change the trajectory of what I'd assumed would be a flat, uneventful life.

But first, let me tell you how things came to this.

I learned it as I grew up in this world: humanity was supposedly the only species that had ever lived here.

But then a band of fanatics, in their zeal to end a war, performed a forbidden ritual — and the world twisted into a chaos drenched in despair.

In the aftermath, it merged with other dimensions, and the world stopped belonging to humans alone.

Because the merged world had grown so vast, we now live alongside countless races and species.

Nominally, everyone had agreed to call one another 'people,' regardless of species. But that agreement never managed to erase the essential differences buried within.

Today is the day of my high school entrance ceremony. I put on my uniform and got ready to leave.

'Otonashi~ Today's your first day of school, right? Be careful out there, and have a good day~'

'Oto, eat a proper breakfast. You can't do anything on an empty stomach.'

'Your mother's right. Oto, if you're in that much of a hurry, why not at least grab a sandwich on the way?'

That is how it should have been — warm words from family. But after the incident, my parents vanished without a trace.

We weren't related by blood, but they'd adopted me when I was seven and raised me, and my little sister was the one who taught me what pure emotion looked like.

"I'm off…."

And so, with no one there but believing all the same that someone, somewhere, was still alive, I stepped out the door.

The moment I opened it, a shadow fell over me. I looked up to see a beautiful woman with pure white wings and a halo. What species was that 'person' supposed to be…?

Then a familiar voice rang out.

"Otonashi~ You've got your entrance ceremony today, so this big sister is going to walk you there~"

I have a big sister. The only member of the family who wasn't caught up in the incident.

She's seven years older than me, and after the incident, she raised me in our parents' place.

She's also a teacher at the very high school I'm about to enter.

"Sis, weren't you supposed to go to school first?"

"I couldn't possibly send my adorable little brother off all alone, could I~"

Her voice was as tender as ever. Not that I understood what 'tender' was supposed to feel like.

I grasped the literal meaning of the word, but its emotional weight was completely lost on me.

"……"

All I could do was stare at her, blank-faced.

"You make that gloomy face and you can't even take a joke…? Now my feelings are hurt…! Which means this is your punishment!"

"Wait, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠sis!?"

Before I even registered what was happening, she had wrapped me in a tight hug. Ever since the incident, whenever I put on a dark expression, she would pull me into her arms like this, as if trying to comfort me.

"Don't make that gloomy face with those hollow eyes… you're handsome enough as it is… and seeing nothing but that melancholy look hurts my heart too, you know…"

What on earth was 'hollow eyes' even supposed to mean? Was it referring to my eyes, literally?

Unfortunately, I have no idea what my own face looks like, so a 'gloomy expression' is a complete mystery to me…

"Sis, you're suffocating me."

At the same time, something stirred faintly in my chest. What emotion was that supposed to be?

"Sis, we have to get to school… we should leave now."

"……"

She fell silent, but apparently took that as a yes, because she let me go and started walking beside me.

The school was close enough to reach on foot. I made the trip chatting casually with my sister.

But I couldn't forget the look on her face when ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠she finally let me out of her arms.

Was that what an expression carrying 'pity' was supposed to look like…?

"I have to turn in some paperwork, so I'll head in ahead of you~"

The moment we reached the school, my sister disappeared straight into the building.

The campus she left behind was bursting with life. Countless 'people' in uniforms clustered in twos and threes, laughing and chattering away.

Some flapped wings at their backs; some wagged tails as they threw themselves into conversation. The world called them all 'people.'

And from the crowd drifting past me, voices laced with open contempt slipped through.

"Does anyone else smell beast from somewhere?"

"This 'person' reeks of grass!!"

"At that point, how are they any different from the natives?"

"Whoa, careful with your words! Say that stuff these days and you get branded a friggin' racist!"

…Their conversation betrayed, moment by moment, everything the word 'people' was supposed to stand for.

Beneath the banner of superficial harmony, countless forms of discrimination and conflict still squirmed just below the surface.

And yet, watching them laugh as they poked fun at each other's differences, I found myself thinking that maybe, someday, things really could move in a better direction.

That was when it happened.

"Um… excuse… me… coming… through……"

A girl who seemed awkward about weaving through crowds spoke to me timidly.

"Oh, of course. Sorry about that — I was blocking the way."

I stepped aside at once. The girl met my eyes, flushed red to the ears, gave a hurried bow, and scurried off into the building in quick little steps.

Was hers a species prone to shyness? Or was she simply introverted?

In that moment, I felt strange gazes on me from all around.

I turned to find the 'people' nearby all staring at me at once.

Gazes that would never have bothered me on any other day somehow felt alien today.

The hug from my sister. The girl's flustered face just now. And now this uncomfortable attention aimed at me…

A foreign sensation called 'embarrassment' pierced through a corner of my chest.

So this is what a recovered sense of shame feels like… I quickly dropped my gaze and hurried on.

Truthfully, our school had already held its entrance ceremony a full month ago.

Because my enrollment had been delayed by one incident after another, my sister had staged this whole ceremony-like atmosphere just for my sake.

Truly, she is a considerate woman, my sister.

And so I headed for the class she'd told me about. Class 1-5. When I opened the door and stepped inside, I spotted a single empty seat that had yet to find an owner.

I sat down quietly. Apparently, that was my seat — a relief.

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

Before long, the classroom door opened and my homeroom teacher — my sister — walked in.

She glanced my way and gave a small gesture, signaling me to come up beside her.

She intended to introduce me to the other students as a 'transfer student.'

"Attention, everyone. Today, we have a new transfer student joining our class. Why don't you give us a quick self-introduction?"

Every gaze in the classroom locked onto me. The 'embarrassment' I'd felt on the campus grounds pricked at my chest all over again.

Tension trickled down to my fingertips.

"Hello… My name is Shiota Otonashi. I'm human."

"Human…?"

"Calling him human feels… kind of creepy…"

"I'd say my instincts are telling me to keep a little distance…"

"But… his face… is totally my type…"

"Could he be a spirit of darkness?!"

"He's not a demon, right? …Right?"

And so on and so forth — the various 'people' huddled together, gossiping about me among themselves.

"Quiet, everyone. Otonashi, take the empty seat over there and settle in for class."

But while some students obeyed the teacher without complaint, others clearly didn't.

And since my sister was, by most standards, a beauty, her students sexually harassed her often enough that she'd come home and vent to me about it more than once.

Now, I merely stared at one of those students who refused to listen — and the boy turned completely, ghostly white.

'What is this guy…? I just looked at him, and it feels like I'm being dragged down to the bottom of the deep sea. I can't breathe.'

Without even managing a scream, the student stumbled backward in pure terror.

That was how, later on, word spread that a terrifying human (?) had transferred into Class 1-5.

After the introductions, as I made my way to my seat, my eyes drifted almost absently toward the mirror hanging at the back of the classroom.

An unfamiliar shape stared back.

Oh. So this is what I look like.

The world called me 'hollow eyes.' The people around me called me 'an imbecile with his emotions cut out.'

But none of those judgments contained the true face of the 'me' standing before that mirror.

The hollow gaze inside the mirror met my real gaze, here and now.

So this is what expressionless means.

The 'gloomy expression' everyone talked about — I suspected they were simply describing this empty shell that could hold nothing at all.

So this is how a smile is made.

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

When I awkwardly lifted the corners of my mouth, the shape in the mirror distorted into something grotesque.

The sight of that chilly contortion made my classmates draw a collective breath and freeze all over again.

But it didn't matter.

For the first time in my life, this was the moment I recognized, with my own hands and my own eyes, the being in the mirror as 'me' — not as something seen through other people's gazes.

Now that I knew who I was, the next step was deciding what I wanted.

Could I, like them, one day live as an ordinary 'person'?

The truth is, the reason I came to the Academy is that I want to reclaim my emotions and live an ordinary life.