Waking from the Dream (5)
Even as Caiden wiped away the tears that kept flowing, Kirsi still couldn’t bring herself to believe what was happening.
“Aigoo… your pretty face will be ruined at this rate.”
He was still smiling at her with that same gentle warmth, yet the future he spoke of was one she had never imagined. A farewell already foretold. She couldn’t accept it.
After their parents had left, Caiden had been the one to fill the hollow space in her chest and then some. When the world had felt too terrifying to step into again, he had offered his back and led the way. His efforts had become her example, and his jokes had made her worries seem foolish. Sitting beside him beneath the setting sun, watching his profile with his eyes closed, her heart would race and she would think there was nothing left in the world to fear. He had been her salvation, her blessing.
If she were told to choose only one treasure in this world, if she were told to give up her last possession when the family fell, it would be Caiden. She had never once doubted he would stay by her side forever. No matter what she did, he always came back. Even when she accidentally spilled his food. Even when her fever burned so high she kept him awake all night. Even when she sulked and threw tantrums for days. Even when she spat out cruel words. He had always returned with a smile. He had promised. They would always stay by each other’s side. They would always be each other’s ally.
But now he said he was leaving. He refused to stand beside her any longer. He would no longer be her support, no longer kiss her forehead with a “good night,” no longer tell funny jokes, no longer stroke her hair, no longer share his days with her. Not because of some unstoppable force, but by his own choice. He was walking away of his own accord.
“……”
Kirsi still couldn’t speak. Only tears kept falling. Could this really be a disaster she had brought upon herself? Were her own words coming back to haunt her? The thought made it hard to breathe. Had her desperate wish to keep him close been what drove him away?
Caiden was now wiping her tears with both hands.
“You both know this. I’m a commoner, and you’re great nobles. Drawing lines on a pumpkin won’t turn it into a watermelon. No matter how many times the name ‘Priester’ is attached to mine, I’m still a commoner in the end.”
“……”
Kirsi’s head spun. Her vision blurred. She still couldn’t speak.
“I was too much of a fool to realize it. But you two knew better than anyone.”
Those words—that they had known better than anyone—squeezed her heart once more. So he had heard the gossip after all. The cruel words meant to push others away had reached his ears. Yet the gossip was from the distant past. Time had already passed, and it had even quieted down recently because of how Caiden had been acting. If he knew, it couldn’t have been recent. He had known all along, yet he had pretended not to and approached her with a smile. He hadn’t simply endured it. He had been showing consideration the entire time.
Kirsi looked at Caiden’s bitter smile. What had he been feeling all this time? Had he come to hate her? Resent her? Fresh tears spilled down her cheeks. None of it had been sincere, yet was this the reason he was leaving?
“So I’m going. Don’t be too upset, you two. Let’s each live diligently in our own places.”
His words, once again declaring he would leave, finally woke her. They moved her frozen lips.
“…D-don’t say such nonsense, Oppa. Hic…! I-if you go to another family, we’ll only see you once every few years…!”
Even as she spoke, the vast stretch of time terrified her. If she could truly only see him once every few years, she would surely go mad.
“I’ll contact you often. Once we’re apart, you’ll get used to it quickly.”
“…Even being apart for a single day is already unbearable…”
In that moment, Kirsi felt a violent rage she hadn’t known existed rise from somewhere deep in her chest. It was as if someone inside her she had never met was lifting their head. She roughly shoved away the arm Caiden had been using to caress her cheek and wiped her eyes harshly with her sleeve. Then she glared at him.
“…Oppa. Did you forget why you came to the Academy late? It was to be with us…! How can you say you’re leaving now?”
“…I’m confused now. Was it really to stay together with me that you asked me to wait, or was it for this?”
Kirsi swallowed. Hiding him, controlling him—it had all been because she loved him. She knew it too. It was an act without his permission. He might have hated it. But deep down, she had also believed he would forgive her in the end. That much was true.
“I have no intention of becoming a burden to you. If we’re always going to be like this outside… then it’s right for me to leave.”
Caiden pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped Kirsi’s tears again, calming her with his usual touch. But it wasn’t enough to soothe her.
“…Why is that right? Oppa, you entered the family for our sake alone! So you should listen to me—”
Asena cut her off sharply.
“Kirsi!”
“……”
“……Ah.”
The words—that he had been brought into the family only for them. They weren’t wrong, but they could have hurt Caiden. It sounded as if nothing else mattered, as if he was only supposed to live for them and them alone.
“…Is that what you thought?”
Caiden pressed the handkerchief into Kirsi’s hand and pulled away. She finally realized what she had just broken. It felt as though she had extinguished the last warmth he had been offering.
“A-ah, no. Oppa. That’s not what I meant, it’s just that you’re leaving me—”
“—I have feelings too, Kirsi. There are things I don’t want to do, times when I’m sad, times when I get hurt.”
“I-it just slipped out. Oppa…”
Asena joined in.
“Oppa, calm down. Kirsi isn’t in her right mind right now… I was the same earlier.”
But Caiden spoke.
“I never told you, did I?”
“……?”
“….?”
“Why I entered the Priester family.”
He fell silent for a moment, then slowly continued.
“I didn’t want to come.”
“Huh…?”
Kirsi let out a confused sound. She had no reason to feel hurt—she hadn’t even known him back then—yet her chest ached with a deep sense of grievance.
“Grandma Liana said she would do everything, but I refused at first. Because… Oppa had younger siblings at the orphanage too.”
Kirsi felt her heart drop. It was as if the ground beneath her had vanished. It was an obvious fact, yet hearing it from his mouth shocked her for some reason. Was it because she had thought she was his only sibling? Had those other siblings loved him as much as he had loved them?
“But Grandma Liana told me that if I entered the Priester family, she would provide food for my siblings.”
Caiden stood up. Kirsi had to tilt her head back to meet his gaze.
“So if you think I was sold here like a slave, Kirsi, that’s a misunderstanding.”
“…Ugh… hic…”
Caiden let out a heavy sigh.
“…Yeah. I know. It just slipped out. But… I’m tired too now. All I ever wanted was to live happily… so why should I have to feel betrayed by you two?”
“……”
“And now you’ve both grown up. My role is over.”
Asena rose from where she had been sitting and approached him. Though she showed no emotion on her face, it was clear she was hiding many things. Just like a true Priester. Like a snake. She drew closer.
“…Oppa. Calm down.”
“……”
“I’ll swear on my name. Something like this will never happen again. I still need you, Oppa, and I don’t want you to leave because of this. You’ve always… forgiven us. Just one last time… okay?”
“……”
Kirsi staggered forward and clung to Caiden’s legs. Asena slowly raised her arms and wrapped them around his neck. They were close enough to feel each other’s breath.
“…I’m sorry. Please forgive me now.”
“……”
Caiden stared into Asena’s eyes for a long time. Asena didn’t look away either. Slowly, Caiden nodded.
“…I already said I forgave you. But my mind hasn’t changed. Let’s each go our own way.”
Asena’s expression wavered. The arms around his neck tightened, and her eyes filled with an emotion that could have been grief or rage. Caiden spoke again.
“There’s only one thing I want. Just as I’ve chosen to forgive you, I hope that from now on we can bless each other’s paths without any hard feelings. I’ve said it before, but I’m not doing this to fight. I’ve forgiven you, and given the circumstances, it’s right for me to leave.”
“….Why are you doing this… Oppa… How can you leave me? Your place is by my side… I really feel like I’m going crazy…”
Asena pressed her face closer, frustration clear in her voice. She poured every word with force, but he remained unmoved.
“Asena, Kirsi. I’ll say this one more time.”
“……”
“I can’t bear this pain anymore. If it hurts me, then it’s not my place. It’s not your fault either, really. The family is like this, and my birth is like this, so it can’t be helped. That’s why I want to spend the rest of my life somewhere that doesn’t hurt, with someone who understands me and my efforts. Can’t you bless that?”
Kirsi reached out and grabbed Caiden’s shirt. With her other hand, she pounded her own chest.
“Oppa… I’m here… Someone who understands you… right?”
“We do understand each other. But our positions are far too different.”
“Then what does that mean? Don’t tell me you’re going to live with some other woman?”
“That sounds strange, Kirsi. That was always going to happen anyway, wasn’t it?”
The strength in Kirsi’s grip loosened slightly. Her heart twisted in a strange way. She couldn’t understand a single word Caiden was saying.
“….You’re going to get married?”
“I’ll have to someday.”
“….For the rest of my life… by my side…”
She muttered like a doll. The moment her ironclad belief shattered. She had thought he would stay by her side without ever marrying.
“Even if things hadn’t come to this, I would have gotten married anyway.”
Kirsi couldn’t stop herself from imagining Caiden with another woman. The gentle words and loving whispers he had given her now directed at someone else. The bright scene of them laughing, happy, exchanging affectionate kisses filled her with a sickening disgust. Suddenly, the memory of sex education class surfaced.
“….Ugh!”
She began to retch. Now she understood why the other young ladies had called it disgusting during that lesson. When she imagined it with Caiden, it had only made her heart flutter, but the moment the woman changed to someone else, nausea surged up.
“..Ugh!”
Her eyes welled with tears from the violent retching. Caiden scratched his head awkwardly.
“….Kirsi… I mean, it’s only natural… Is it really that disgusting to think of me being with someone?”
“N-no… Ugh! It’s not that, I don’t even know why I’m like this… Ugh!”
Even as she spoke, the nausea kept coming. And only then did she understand. Just as Caiden thought it natural, it was something that could never happen between them. It had been impossible from the very beginning as siblings.
Kirsi’s eyes reflexively sought Asena. When she was anxious, she looked for Caiden first, and if he wasn’t there, Asena. And the moment she saw Asena, she understood. Kirsi thought, ‘So this is why she tried to have Oppa exiled from the family.’ Why she had wanted to sever their sibling bond. She only realized it after everything had passed. And she also realized that Asena felt the same way. The twins had both harbored feelings they shouldn’t have for their brother.
“Well. No matter what you say… I won’t change. I’ve made up my mind. So let’s end it here today. We’ve just been repeating the same things, haven’t we? Dragging this out any longer would be a waste of time.”
With a firm push, Caiden made the twins fall away from him.
“Everyone’s emotions are running high right now. Once time passes, it’ll be fine. Goodbyes are only painful in the moment. As time flows, you’ll eventually be able to smile and let each other go, right?”
“…….Never.”
Asena muttered, head bowed.
“….I’ll be going now, Oppa. It’s getting too late.”
“……This conversation isn’t over, Oppa. We’ll talk again later.”
Asena declared it firmly. But Caiden only smiled. Then, as if remembering something, he said with a serious expression,
“…..Right. Just in case, I’ll say this.”
“……”
“You two. Don’t try any petty schemes. I already said I won’t change my mind. Let’s not cause trouble.”
Even in the moment he had decided to leave, Caiden couldn’t bring himself to abandon them. He only hoped they wouldn’t become villains again.