6th Grade.
6th Grade.
Once Dad finished work, I stepped into a PC bang for the first time in my life—places I'd only ever seen on Neotube.
I punched in my info fast and made an account.
I clicked the food icon in the top right, and the menu was packed with all kinds of dishes.
I put in an order for everything I wanted to eat, one by one, and Ji-su watched me do it.
"Our Si-yoon, what did you want to ask me about?"
"Huh? I don't have anything."
"...Huh? Wasn't there... something you can't talk to your dad about?"
"Nope. No early symptoms or anything yet."
"Oh..."
"Besides, Dad probably already knows more. He looks that kind of stuff up whenever he gets a minute."
"He does... So what do I say if your dad asks me what you wanted?"
"Just brush it off."
I glanced over at the game Ji-su was playing.
An FPS—the kind Ji-hoon was overwhelmingly better than me at.
Since I had an account too, I joined her, and Ji-su was better than even Park Ji-hoon.
"..."
"Are... are you okay? You were pretty good too, Si-yoon!"
"Ugh... saying stuff everybody knows but dressing it up just makes it sting more, you know...?"
"S... sorry."
I kept playing while working through the food I'd ordered.
Before I knew it, Ji-eun had gotten to the PC bang too, sat down next to me, and turned on her computer.
"Ji-su, I'm counting on you to carry again today! People make fun of me for sucking... I have to climb a tier today."
"Just trust me!"
Ji-eun, whose career seniority was about the same as Dad's, joined the game with a grin.
Ji-su looked like she was struggling, hard-carrying two people with the worst game sense imaginable.
They were at the level where they'd refuse to get on the bus even if you tried to carry them.
"Oh right, I heard you're filming a drama this time."
"Ah! Yes, we're getting older now, so we're thinking of gradually cutting back on group activities."
"No trouble or anything, right?"
"Of course not. We can only rest easy once the people looking for us start dwindling..."
"Be good to them while they're still around."
"...Okay, will do."
Even while talking, Ji-su was single-handedly dismantling the enemy team.
Was this what Lü Bu was like in Romance of the Three Kingdoms? Triple kills kept popping up like they were the most natural thing in the world.
That's when the in-game mic crackled.
—"Is our team hacking?"
"I'm not hacking, okay?"
Ji-su's distinctive voice came through, and silence followed.
Then all-chat started lighting up.
(Team) — Is our team Dreaming Ji-su right now?
(Team) — fr that's Ji-su's voice.
(Enemy) — Stop lying.
(Team) — I'm serious, I asked if they were hacking and almost shit myself because it was Ji-su.
(Enemy) — You mean the ID 'Ji-sun-i'? omg now that I look, the nickname was literally Ji-su.
I only just now checked Ji-su's nickname, and her face went red.
Ji-sun-i, huh... Looked like she'd had zero intention of hiding who she was from the start.
Calling it hidden was way too generous, given the sheer lack of effort...
What the hell is 'Ji-sun-i.'
"Now that it's come to this, I might as well do it too~"
I turned on my game mic and spoke.
"Focus on the game."
(Team) — omg... don't tell me that's Si-yoon? Whoa... whoa... for real?
(Enemy) — Me too!!! I wanna hear her voice too!!!
Ji-eun let out a sigh, then said:
"Let's just push into their base right now and win this fast."
The two teammates froze when Ji-eun spoke.
(Team) — Wow... I could die with no regrets now... Ji-eun was here too... I'm losing it...
Our party caused a commotion the entire match.
Then, when ten o'clock hit, the computer I was on suddenly shut off.
"What the hell!?"
"Minors get cut off at ten."
"Ah..."
"Time to go home now~"
"Yeah..."
Ji-su and Ji-eun turned off their computers too, so they could walk out with me.
Dad was waiting outside.
"Have fun?"
"Yeah."
Dad looked at Ji-su and Ji-eun and said,
"You guys want to grab a bite before you go? My treat?"
"Meat!"
That was Ji-su, all right—never one to read the room, always the fastest to blurt out what she wanted.
I was picking up pieces of meat Dad had cut for me with my chopsticks.
Dad was slicing meat for Ji-su and Ji-eun as if he were a professional chef.
"You eat too!"
"Kind of hard when it keeps vanishing this fast, isn't it? Ha-ha."
When I casually placed a big piece of meat onto Dad's plate, he looked like the happiest man alive.
Wearing a blissful expression, he opened his mouth wide and said,
"Ah~ feed Daddy."
"You want me to feed you?"
"No... Daddy will eat by himself."
Watching this, Ji-su said,
"Si-yoon's way of showing affection doesn't take after you at all."
"Yeah, Si-yoon's personality is exactly like her mom's."
"Still, you can really see a lot of you in her face."
"Really?"
Dad had started letting talk about Mom come up more naturally now.
Though, whenever he thought I wasn't looking, he still missed her constantly...
My face felt hot from the tabletop brazier in front of me, but I ate in a daze, watching the meat sizzle and cook.
Time passed, and when I turned twelve, Da-yeon and I started shooting up fast.
Fast enough to overtake Park Ji-hoon, who'd been tall.
And Da-yeon, who'd been shorter than me, had now surpassed me—and it looked like puberty had started for her too.
When we were changing for swim practice together, I saw Da-yeon's physical changes firsthand.
I told Da-yeon she shouldn't hide stuff like this, and we went to see Kim Seon-hwa together.
Then, when winter came, a stir went through Lee Jin-seok's household.
Da-yeon must have been embarrassed; she sent everyone out except me and Kim Seon-hwa.
Feeling the weight that I'd be going through that too soon enough, I watched Da-yeon.
"Si-yoon, my body feels weird..."
"You're just becoming an adult now~"
"Ah... was Mom like this too?"
Kim Seon-hwa stroked Da-yeon's hair and smiled.
"Of course~ Mom went through the exact same thing when I was your age~"
"So I'm not weird?"
"Of course not~"
So Da-yeon wouldn't feel burdened, I gave her the things Dad had given me and the things I'd prepared myself.
"What's this?"
"Um... stuff you need to become an adult? When my body changes like Da-yeon's, do you have to give me presents too?"
"Yes!"
Time went on... and now it was my turn to feel the weight, reaching the point where I had to have a serious talk with Dad.
"Dad..."
"Yeah?"
"My chest is tender, and something's starting to feel like a lump in my breast... This isn't normal, you know?"
"..."
"First, let Da-yeon's mom know for me, got it?"
"Yeah..."
That day finally came.
Only now did I viscerally feel the weight of having been born a girl.
It wasn't painful, but the gross, unsettling feeling was indescribable, and I kept rolling around restlessly at home.
While I was adjusting to experiencing puberty for the first time, I turned thirteen before I knew it.
My height reached 154 cm, and Da-yeon was a little taller than me.
Da-yeon was self-conscious about her body.
Because her growth and development were exceptional, noticeably different from the other kids.
Da-yeon had entered full-blown adolescence and hardly talked to anyone except me and Kim Seon-hwa.
She stopped going to swim practice, which we used to do all the time, and unless she was at school, she stayed shut inside the house.
I lay on Da-yeon's bed, keeping an eye on her,
and saw a photo of Tae-oh in Da-yeon's secret spot behind the bed.
"You still like him?"
"Huh? Who? Tae-oh?"
"Yeah."
"Um... a little?"
Da-yeon acted nonchalant, but I knew the truth.
I'd been telling Da-yeon for ages to hide her feelings as much as possible, but
Kim Seon-hwa had told her to confess if she liked him, and Da-yeon, as if spellbound by her mom's words, confessed.
And got cleanly shot down.
Da-yeon resented Kim Seon-hwa for a while, but Kim Seon-hwa had told her to get prettier and make him regret it.
After that, Da-yeon seemed to make up her mind—she put Kim Tae-oh's photo away.
As I rolled around on Da-yeon's bed, she sat down on it.
Face blushing, she said carefully,
"My chest is way too big... It's embarrassing..."
"Do you know what a blessing that is?!"
Da-yeon looked at my face, as if checking my expression.
"Really?"
"Of course~ Do you know how jealous I am of Da-yeon?!"
"...Seriously?"
"Yeah, out of everything Da-yeon has, that's what I'm most jealous of."
At my words, Da-yeon showed a smile, as if she'd perked up.
"Nahh~"
"I'm serious. Ever since I was little, I ate anything people said would help my chest grow."
"Really?!"
"Yeah, but Da-yeon got big without doing any of that, right? That's a huge blessing~"
To lift Da-yeon's gloomy mood, I tossed in a mix of truth and embellishment.
I felt truly grateful for having done acting when I was younger.
Looking at Da-yeon's body, what set her apart from the other kids stood out, so if Da-yeon was embarrassed, she'd clearly get very self-conscious.
Once a trauma takes root, it takes quite a long time to overcome and regain confidence...
So, I often cast envious glances Da-yeon's way.
In fifth grade, I'd turned down the private elementary school student council president position, but after petitions from a ton of kids, I ended up becoming student council president.
An overwhelming share of the vote...
It made me feel bad for the kid who'd become the 6th-grade rep, the one who'd handed out pizza to the whole school because he wanted to be president.
The day before starting the new 6th-grade semester, I was in a meeting with the teachers.
"I mean... why would people who don't even know me vote for me?"
"..."
"I said I don't want to do it, so why am I here... ugh..."
"St... still, Si-yoon, everyone says they want you to do it, right?"
Teacher Go Min-su, seated next to me because he'd spent the most time with me, was watching my every reaction.
"Si-yoon wouldn't even be nervous, and more than anything, everyone likes you, Si-yoon."
"Ugh... I'll do it for you, Teacher Go Min-su. What am I supposed to do tomorrow?"
The vice principal carefully held out the A4 sheet.
"If you speak along these lines..."
I glanced at the A4 sheet and handed it back.
"...Shouldn't you read it over...?"
"I've memorized it all."
"...Huh?"
For the unconvinced vice principal, I summarized it and recited it once, and the vice principal nodded with a stunned expression.
The next day, as the student representative, I spoke in front of the new students.
"Hello. I'm Kim Si-yoon."
The parents who already knew I attended this school cheered like they'd spotted a celebrity.
'Well, I guess I am a celebrity...'
"Ahem... I didn't want to do this, but I have important things to say. So... the parent in the twelfth row—counting from the left, one, two, thr... the fourth seat? Please put your phone away and pay attention."
A teacher was sitting there, but nobody else would know who I'd called out.
The teacher took the hint and nodded along.
"This is a private elementary school. You might think of it as a special-purpose school. Well, that's somewhat accurate."
I looked out at the parents.
"If your child says they want to do something, support them. Not what you, the parents, want—let them do what they want to do."
At the clichéd words anyone could say, a few parents lost interest, and I let out a short scoff.
"When I appeared on Next-Door Hyungnim as my dad Kim Ji-ho's daughter, on that show, I said that drawing was what I was worst at, among the things I'm good at."
Feeling people's attention snap back at the mention of Dad, I pressed on.
"But it's also what I like the most. So, I've developed that ability under the personal guidance of Teacher Go Min-su, who's sitting over there, and recently, one of my paintings sold for 3 billion won."
It was bragging about myself, sure, but the moment a number like 3 billion came out of an elementary schooler's mouth, every parent was locked in.
"My dad wanted me to try a lot of different things, but kids like me tend to want to do what we like, and we hate being told what to do."
Even the teachers fixed their eyes on me during my freestyle sermon, and I smiled as I spoke.
"Even so, if you still want to make your kids study and nothing else, how could I stop you? Go ahead. It's not like the Seoul Private Elementary School we attend is lacking in education, after all."
I swept my gaze around once, then continued.
"But if that's the case, I do wonder... is there really a need to send them here to Seoul Private Elementary? When the finest arts and athletics teachers in the Republic of Korea are all around us..."
I kept talking, and once I had every parent's full attention, I wrapped it up.
"If, despite all that, you still want them to only study, then I sincerely hope your child feels no stress and grows into the great person you parents hope for. That's all."
Applause filled the auditorium, and I came down from the stage, escorted by Teacher Go Min-su.
All the kids took their seats at the teachers' direction to hear the newly inaugurated student council president's announcements.
—"Ahh... can you hear me? Whatever, you probably can."
""...""
The new first graders, seeing how utterly put-out their upperclassman looked compared to earlier, gaped with their mouths hanging open.
—"Ugh... I said I didn't want to do this, so why'd you all vote for me and make a fuss."
It wasn't just the little kids who were dumbstruck—the homeroom teachers were, too.
—"Anyway, from here on out, it's just underclassmen, right? I'll speak casually. Some of you little punks have parents who only want you to study... so do it. They're your one-and-only parents, what can you do. But if you want to do something, and your parents actually support you? Then never, ever give up."
On-screen, Kim Si-yoon was resting her chin in her hand, spinning a pen and looking at the camera.
Then, as if someone had said something to Si-yoon, she looked behind the camera and spoke.
—"No, I mean, how much of this do you think they're gonna understand... it's all a formality, that's why I'm breaking it down for them."
""...""
—"Ugh... also, don't run for student council president. It's a pain in the ass. If anyone wants to be president and hands out pizza? Just vote for that person. Don't cause collateral damage to somebody else."
The Si-yoon on-screen glanced behind the camera once, then went on.
—"Anyway, I know you're all smart kids who beat 50-to-1 odds to get in here, but this stuff written down about being diligent and healthy... are you kidding me?"
Si-yoon took a big breath and continued.
—"If you don't want people calling you idiots, learn, and become someone great. If you want to be famous, work for it. And if you want to be happy, do what you want to do. That's life. Life changes according to the choices you make. That's all."
The broadcast hadn't even cut off when a man's voice rang out.
—"Si-yoon! You can't do it like that! This is live!!!"
Teacher Go Min-su appeared on-screen. Kim Si-yoon, still on camera, let out a scoff and pointed at the camera.
—"It's not off, though?"
—"What?!"
If there was one thing I'd overlooked,
it was that this broadcast was also streaming on the school website, and somebody uploaded it to Neotube, too—
and by the time Jang Seong-man tried to take it down, way too many people had already seen the video.