Didn't I Say I'd Fuck It Up?
Kim Yuna was feeling a rare spark of happiness during her academy life. The moment she stepped into the exam area, when Professor Park Miran quietly called her over, she assumed she'd done something wrong. But once she realized it was simply an invitation to chat while watching the test from a distance, relief washed over her.
"You've really been through it, Yuna. Getting tangled up with a bastard like that."
"You must be struggling too, Professor, thanks to the Kim Shinu Law."
"Don't even mention it. I'm actually losing my mind."
Thankfully, Kim Yuna and Professor Park Miran shared a common enemy in Kim Shinu, so conversation came easily. In fact, it showed no signs of ending. As they spent a good while tearing into him, they spotted Jung Ayeon not too far away, clutching Kim Shinu and Kim Hyeji by the ankles before toppling over with them. The sight of the three bickering among themselves filled her with pure bliss.
Then, suddenly, her eyes locked with Kim Shinu's.
'What are you gonna do about it, you idiot?'
Just to be safe, she decided to regress briefly and peek at the immediate future. In that future, the three kept squabbling until the massive cockroach trailing them swallowed all three in one go. The instant she returned from the regression, the absurdity of the scene made her burst out laughing without realizing it.
Hearing Kim Yuna's laughter, Professor Park Miran turned to her with a puzzled look.
"Yuna? Is everything alright?"
"No. Look over there."
"Ah, that?"
"Pfft. How pathetic. Exactly what you'd expect from those morons."
Kim Yuna and Professor Park Miran shared another round of laughter. This time, however, the situation took a sharp turn. After exchanging some words among themselves, the trio suddenly came charging toward them with menacing grins. With a gigantic cockroach right on their heels.
For a split second she was startled, but she quickly regained her composure. In the worst case, she could hook her whip onto another building and swing away to safety. As she pondered her escape route and reached for the whip at her waist—
Her hand found nothing.
"What the hell! Where did it go?"
She had no memory of dropping or setting it down. While she frantically tried to recall where she might have lost the whip, Kim Shinu's group had already closed the distance.
At that moment, Kim Shinu reached behind his back and pulled something from his waistband. It was an all-too-familiar object. Of course it was. It was Kim Yuna's whip.
"When the hell did that son of a bitch steal it!"
"Yuna! Don't panic—just get down from the window first!"
But Professor Park Miran's words didn't even register. Her mind raced, replaying the moment Kim Shinu had bumped her shoulder right before they entered the gate.
'That was it. That fucking bastard!'
The instant she decided she needed to jump down from the window, Kim Shinu cracked the whip.
It was a sound she knew well, yet today the crack of the whip sounded utterly ominous.
I swung the whip I'd secretly swiped from Kim Yuna right before entering the gate with everything I had. The lash sliced through the air with a sharp crack and latched onto its target with perfect precision. The target I'd chosen was Professor Park Miran's ankle.
"Shinu! What the hell do you think you're doing!"
"You said any means were fine, didn't you?"
I then hurled the whip toward the massive cockroach chasing after us, with Professor Park Miran still attached at the end.
"Kyaaaaaaaak!"
"Snack time!"
"Groooooooar!!"
The moment Professor Park Miran flew toward it, the cockroach reared up onto its hind legs, opened its maw wide, and swallowed her in a single bite.
I reeled the whip back in and instantly wrapped it around the ankle of Kim Yuna, who was desperately trying to flee. Then we charged straight at the cockroach that had just finished devouring its Professor-flavored snack.
"Drop dead!!!"
"Get lost!"
While the cockroach patted its belly, savoring the lingering taste of its meal, we seized the opening. Hyeji and Jung Ayeon each rushed to opposite sides and began severing its legs. Hyeji leaped high and brought her sledgehammer crashing down, while Jung Ayeon summoned every creature she could and had them tear into the limbs.
Since the cockroach had been balancing only on its hind legs, it immediately lost its center of gravity and toppled forward. I used that exact moment to sprint toward its head. Of course, I dragged Kim Yuna along behind me the entire way.
"Why the hell are you dragging me, you fucking bastard!"
"We're in the same group! I can't let you desert!"
The instant I reached the cockroach's head, I condensed mana in my left palm and slammed it against the monster's skull as it thrashed in agony. Then I detonated the Cheonma Repulsor, but—
Cheonma Repulsor - Full Burst
"Are you shitting me?"
The cockroach merely shook its head in pain without suffering any real damage. I stabbed at it with my longsword just to check, but the blade bounced right off. The thing was so tough it made my hand sting instead.
At that moment, the cockroach opened its massive jaws to chew me up.
[My dear, it's dangerous!]
"Like hell it is! Substitution technique!"
"Kyaaaaaaaaaak!!!!"
I yanked the whip hard, hurling Kim Yuna into the cockroach's mouth in my place. The instant our eyes met, a red number floated above her head. I flashed her a bright smile, flipped her off, and bolted.
In the end, Kim Yuna and Professor Park Miran ended up rolling around together inside the cockroach's stomach. So far, everything was going according to plan.
"Shinu! What's the next step!"
"Lord! Are you sure it's alright that your technique didn't work?"
"Jung Ayeon, start by cutting off every single one of that thing's legs!"
"Understood!"
"Shinu, what about me?"
"Hide for now. I'll signal you when the chance comes."
Jung Ayeon's abilities had evolved in a useful direction. Whether it was the crisis or pure rage driving it, I wasn't sure. Either way, she could now summon her creatures without closing her eyes or pressing her hands to the ground.
Meanwhile, the cockroach—its aggro firmly locked on me—began launching ferocious attacks. Headbutts. Bites. Swipes from its front legs. Assaults coming from every angle with terrifying speed. Add in its enormous size and quick movements, and the whole thing felt like a death sentence.
'What a garbage pattern, fuck.'
[My dear! It's coming from above!]
I'd already fallen for it during midterms. Falling for the same trick during finals would make me a complete idiot. But this time it was real—the cockroach's left front leg was slamming down directly over my head.
In a panic I swung my sword at an angle to deflect the blow, but the blade snapped clean in two from the impact.
[Why do you never listen to this body!!!]
'Fuck. Even a broken clock is right twice a day, I guess.'
Still, my desperate evasion hadn't been in vain. The moment the cockroach lifted its right front leg to crush me, Jung Ayeon severed that leg as well with perfect timing.
"Lord! All legs severed!"
"Nice work! If it tries to fly, bite its wings off too!"
"Understood."
"Hyeji! You're with me!"
"Got it!"
We skirted around the cockroach's head, linked up with Hyeji, and sprinted. The spot we reached was the side of the monster's abdomen. The way it writhed and pulsed in real time triggered an instinctive wave of revulsion.
I pointed at what looked like the weakest point.
"Put a hole right here."
"Got it! Shinu, stay back!"
Hyeji drove her dagger into the cockroach's flank. The blade didn't sink deep, but it was enough. Then, like hammering a nail, she swung her sledgehammer with full force and smashed the dagger's hilt.
- Shuuuuuuuck!!!!
"Graaaaaaaaaah!!!!"
With the sickening sound of metal carving through organs, the cockroach let out a piercing scream. Having lost all its legs, it could no longer move properly and could only thrash helplessly in place. When it tried to spread its wings, Jung Ayeon—already prepared—had her summons latch on and tear at them.
In the end, the cockroach could do nothing but scream without ever taking flight.
A small hole now gaped in its side where Hyeji had struck. Nauseating fluids poured out in a steady stream. I shoved my right arm as deep into the wound as it would go.
'Fuck, this feels disgusting.'
[male:miniguy, I see.]
'Don't slap weird tags on me.'
The constant wriggling against my arm made me want to vomit. But I couldn't stop now. Swallowing back the rising bile, I forced my palm open and condensed my mana. The surrounding organs were squeezing my arm so tightly that they actually served as decent support.
I poured every ounce of mana I had into it and detonated the Cheonma Repulsor all at once.
The cockroach's abdomen swelled dramatically before exploding from the inside with a deafening roar. When I pulled my arm free, it was surprisingly unharmed—unlike the first time I'd used the skill. It had to be thanks to the mana tattoos I'd gotten earlier.
By the time I regained my bearings, Jung Ayeon and Hyeji were standing beside me. At the same moment, the cockroach's corpse began to dissolve. The final exam was over.
Where the creature's stomach had been, two figures lay sprawled. Professor Park Miran and Kim Yuna. Both unconscious, their bodies completely drenched in some unidentifiable fluid, clinging tightly to each other.
'Whoa. That's some intense snail mating right there.'
[How about you join them, my dear?]
'Hell no!!!!! Even the Second Hokage strictly forbade that!'
We gazed at the sight with deep satisfaction. I opened my mouth.
"—Ah, I see."
"Truly beautiful."
Hikigaya Hachiman-sensei. You were right. This is exactly the world where no one gets hurt that you were talking about.