Saying "Search" Quickly Sounds Like "Sex," Doesn't It?
If you say "search" quickly, doesn't it sound a lot like "sex"? I also received a not-really-a-gift from Cheonma. I cleaned out every last snack from the Martial Artists Guild while I was at it. So I figured there wouldn't be any more annoying chores coming my way. But of course the Academy never runs out of annoying shit. This is a crazy place completely devoid of actual human beings. And the annoyance found me without warning. Like a mosquito that had slipped in unnoticed and started buzzing right next to my ear.
"Have you all finished eating?"
"...So why are you suddenly treating us to all this?"
"I have a favor I'd like to ask of you."
It was a quiet weekend. Out of nowhere, I, Hye-ji, Jung Ayeon, and Elsia had all been dragged to the cafeteria since the crack of dawn. The one who summoned us was none other than the Academy President's secretary, the Lizard Beastman. The moment she told us to order whatever we wanted, we turned into wild foals without reins and ordered every single item on the menu from start to finish.
By the time we'd almost finished eating, the Lizard Beastman finally spoke up.
"Could you please take a look at this photograph?"
The Lizard Beastman handed us a single photo as she spoke. What it showed was something utterly wretched. Multiple folded chins. A face coated in a greasy sheen. Hair plastered to the scalp by all that oil. Skin shattered worse than the surface of the moon. If I had to describe it, the photo contained a pig that somehow resembled a person.
"Shinwoo, have you ever seen an animal like this? First time for me."
"This lady has never beheld such a lifeform before. Could it be a new species of monster?"
"Wouldn't it be more of a subspecies than a new species?"
"Husband! I'm going to order some more food! Does my husband need anything?"
Elsia was demanding an answer from me. I gestured for her to wait a moment, then looked the Lizard Beastman dead in the eyes and spoke seriously. I was genuinely worried. Mostly about the Lizard Beastman's finances.
"If Elsia gets serious about eating, your personal funds won't even come close to covering it."
"I anticipated that, so I secretly borrowed the President's card."
Then there was nothing to worry about. I immediately gave orders to Elsia.
"Elsia! Order some more meat dishes!"
"Then I'll order the same amount we already got!"
"This lady requests one more rice bowl."
"Hey, you flat bitch! I want beef!"
".......I didn't mean you could order without limit."
"I'd like the beef as well, please."
The corners of the Lizard Beastman's eyes began to tremble and twitch. Meanwhile, Elsia's escort elf subtly butted in to satisfy her own selfish cravings. As everyone started eating again, Piece—who had failed her job transfer—spoke to me.
'Danger!'
Suddenly, one of the butterflies Elsia had materialized with magic shot past my left temple at high speed. It must have grazed it lightly, because a thin trickle of blood began running down the side of my face.
"......Why am I the target all of a sudden?"
"Oh my! For some reason I just felt like I had to fire it right now!"
"You too, flat bitch? I sometimes get the urge to put a bullet in Shinwoo."
"Don't actually shoot just because you feel like it, you crazy bitches."
'These bastards are getting further and further outside the bounds of normal.'
Elsia was impressively multitasking—left hand still extended to launch butterflies while her right hand kept shoveling food into her mouth. Her gluttony really was something else the more you watched it. Deciding this couldn't go on, the Lizard Beastman spoke first.
"I would like you to find the individual in that photograph."
"If you're looking for a monster, wouldn't it be better to ask the professors instead of us? We're a lot closer to the monster-massacre side of things than the monster-search side."
But the Lizard Beastman's next words were:
"I'm sorry, but it's not a monster. It's a person."
"......Come again?"
It was so shocking that we all voiced our disbelief. Even Elsia froze with food halfway to her mouth. Sensing everyone's attention locked on her, the Lizard Beastman spoke once more. What came out of her mouth was even more shocking than the previous statement.
"I would like you to find the President's son."
We hadn't promised anything, but the moment we heard those words our mouths fell open in unison. Food started plopping onto the table from our gaping jaws. The reaction was similar to what you'd see after hearing "Yena... is actually Seonjeong's daughter." In the middle of all that, only Elsia recovered her senses and caught the falling food with her hand to eat it again.
'That's the real beast, you pink single-cel—'
Another butterfly shot past. This time it was my right temple.
"......Why this time?"
"Two strikes."
Elsia was smiling sweetly, but her eyes weren't smiling at all. At that moment the Lizard Beastman asked me,
"Do you have any idea where the President's son might have gone?"
I stared at the photo and thought hard. Looking at it again, the face definitely shared a lot of traits with the President. Two eye sockets. Two nostrils. One snout. A face so bloated it looked like someone had pumped it full of yeast. And the greasy broth dripping down beside it. After a bit of consideration I reached a conclusion.
"Maybe he got caught in a pig slaughtering machine?"
"Shinwoo, he might've already gone into the machine that turns them into ham."
"In this lady's opinion, that has no commercial value."
"Husband! This couldn't even be turned into bacon!"
"......I'll take that as meaning he got caught up in an unfortunate incident."
The Lizard Beastman was trying her best to interpret my words in the most positive light. I offered another possibility.
"Have you checked the mountain villa as well?"
"......Yes. He wasn't at 'that place' either."
The Lizard Beastman, who understood the look in my eyes, paused carefully before answering. Since we'd confirmed he hadn't been fucked by a monster, I went with the most standard approach.
"Have you checked with the on-campus surveillance users or reviewed the CCTV footage?"
"...I'm surprised."
"Why?"
"To hear something so normal come out of student Shinwoo's mouth."
"Fuck. Really."
After asking the Lizard Beastman for a moment, I left my seat. Regrettably, I left the President's card behind. And so we began yet another feast.
"When we checked, the last confirmed location showed him heading toward the mountain behind the cafeteria."
"You didn't search inside the mountain?"
"It seems checking inside the mountain is rather difficult."
The Lizard Beastman had returned. She looked at the wreckage of food we'd demolished and spoke with her eyelids trembling even harder than before. But the moment I heard that the person we needed to find was the President's son, all motivation drained out of me.
"Do we really have to do this? There must be plenty of other people who can."
"I'm entrusting this to you, student Shinwoo, because you've shown exceptional ability up until now."
"Is that true?"
"......Actually, I don't know anyone else."
The Lizard Beastman was confessing to an extremely narrow social circle. At that moment Piece cut in with a sharp observation.
'Are you ignoring our beast friends? They're my friends too.'
'Fuck off.'
"I'll pay you a sufficient reward."
"No matter how much money you offer, getting tangled up with the President doesn't sit well with me."
"It's cash."
"Let's go!"
Cash changes everything. With my account frozen, every single bill was precious. I instantly flipped my attitude and tried to lead everyone toward the mountain. But before we could set out, the Lizard Beastman stopped us.
"Are you trying to pile on more work?"
"No, that's not it. I simply wanted to give you some things to watch out for."
"Like what?"
The Lizard Beastman suddenly pulled a notebook from inside her clothes. With just a notebook she suddenly looked intellectual.
"There have been several strange movements in the Academy lately."
"Why? Did someone get pregnant again? Lucky bastards."
"Yes.... No! That's not it!"
Flustered, the Lizard Beastman put on a pair of glasses—the very picture of an intellectual item—and pushed them up slightly. Thanks to that she looked like her intelligence had doubled.
"Recently a large number of students have fallen into comas or become unable to regain consciousness."
"Must've sucked a lot."
"......Since it happens to both male and female students, please refrain from jumping to hasty conclusions."
"They must've sucked a lot regardless of gender."
"That's not what I meant! You damn idiot!!"
The Lizard Beastman finally snapped and spat out rough words. Then she cleared her throat and returned to her original tone.
"Anyway, I'm telling you to be careful just in case."
"I'll keep it in mind. Thanks."
We started walking toward the mountain once more. During that time, the escort elf—who didn't live up to her title—disappeared the moment we began moving.
'She really only came here to eat.'
Before leaving the cafeteria I realized I'd left my phone, so I went back in to grab it. As I picked it up and was about to leave, what caught my eye was the Lizard Beastman holding the receipt with trembling hands.
While climbing the mountain, we took a short break and I asked Piece,
'You said you were changing jobs. Guess it didn't work out?'
'You realize how hard it is to even write one decent line on a resume?'
There's no way that's happening, Piece. The job change you dream of. The comfortable constellation position you've been longing for. It'll never happen.
'As long as it's not me!'
At that moment Hye-ji voiced her doubt.
"But Shinwoo, how are we supposed to find him in such a huge mountain?"
"I agree, young lord. Finding a single person in the mountains is incredibly difficult."
"That's exactly when you use subcontractors."
I cleared my throat and shouted loudly enough for the entire mountain to ring.
"You bastards!!! Assemble!!!"
The moment my voice faded, rustling sounds came from all directions as figures began to appear one by one. That's right. It was time for our beast friends to do their part.