This Is the Real House
I burst out the door in a hurry and checked whether this was actually the house. It was. This was our house. Who the hell is that? An illegal intruder?
Is this truly your house?
The moment I tried to voice my doubts, the time that had been frozen solid began flowing again. The woman suddenly let out a piercing scream.
"Kyaaaaaaaah!!!!!! There's a robber in the house!!!!"
"Wait! Wait a second! Please wait!"
"Honey!!! Help me!!!!!!"
"Get the hell out!!!! Who do you think you are, breaking into our home!!!!"
Their reaction left me just as stunned, frozen in place. Before I knew it, the man had grabbed every kitchen utensil and blade in sight and was hurling them straight at me.
No, what the fuck. Is he really pulling a thousand-blade storm right now?
Do you count that as a hidden weapon too?
Hyeji had been waiting behind me with an expectant gleam in her eyes, but the sudden ambush left her visibly startled. I snatched her hand and yanked her away from the house as fast as I could.
"What the—what is this? Shinu, isn't that your house right there?"
"It is our house. So why the hell are there assassins inside it?"
"Where are we supposed to go?"
"First, somewhere no one can enter, perfectly soundproof, and where nobody can spy on us!"
"......Shinu. Isn't it a little inappropriate to suddenly demand something like that in this situation?"
Hyeji muttered with her head lowered. Even though I couldn't see her face, her ears had turned so red they blended perfectly with her hair color. Finally, as if steeling herself for something, Hyeji opened her mouth.
"Still, if it's only you, then I'm okay wi—"
"The police are going to chase us!!!!"
"Huh?"
At my words, Hyeji's face turned ice-cold in an instant. Beyond cold—it was filled with pure contempt. Then she dragged me into a dark alley and started pummeling me.
"Did I!! Teach you!!! To act like this!!!!"
"Ouch!!! Listen to me first! Stop hitting me!!"
"Hyeji is disappointed in you!!!!"
"I'll explain everything!!!"
"Save your excuses for hell!!"
Her small frame hid unbelievable power. I was completely helpless against Hyeji's one-sided beating. After a long struggle, I finally managed to explain the entire situation to her.
"So it's definitely your house, but other people are living there? Why didn't you say that sooner?"
"......You kept canceling me every time I tried to speak."
"Anyway, where is your actual house right now?"
"Hold on. Let me make a call."
I pulled out my phone and tried Dad first. After several rings, the call connected.
"......Save me."
The call ended right there. No matter how many times I tried, he wouldn't pick up again. So I switched targets and called Mom. After multiple rejections, the call finally went through. However—
"Mom, our house—"
"Hang up."
She cut me off before I could finish. When I tried again, all I got was the automated message that the phone was powered off.
.......Am I actually their son?
It seems you weren't picked up off the street after all.
Hyeji gave me a worried look as the calls kept failing.
"Shinu, you do have a home, right? Anyone you can contact?"
"Ah! Wait! There's one more person."
I quickly thought of Uncle Kang Hyuk and dialed him. This time the call connected the instant the first ring sounded.
"Uncle! Do you know where our house is?"
"That's the house right next to ours—hold on! Some crazy bitch just showed up looking for me!"
Must be Professor Kim Jiseon.
It's finally time to pay for your karma.
Yeah, why the hell did you go all-in on Elf Coin instead of Asili Coin?
"Just open the door somehow. And hurry up and send me the address."
"Fuck! The door got split in half and I'm dead! Wait! I'll send it soon!"
From the other end of the line I faintly heard someone shout, Give me my money, you son of a bitch! Then came the sound of a window shattering. The call ended.
"......This is insane."
"......Shinu, if you really have nowhere to go, want to come to our house?"
"I guess I have to. Sorry about this."
"It's fine! We have tons of empty rooms, so come without worrying!"
Hyeji beamed as if she were doing me a huge favor. For some reason her eyes looked like they were oozing thick, sticky desire. But at that exact moment—
"Oh? The address for our house just arrived."
"Fuck, the timing is actually perfect!!!!"
The address came from Uncle Kang Hyuk. Hyeji immediately flew into a rage. Ignoring her, I checked the address.
"It's a bit of a walk from here, but doable?"
My dear. Is this time actually the correct location when you walk there?
This time it's real.
Hyeji held out her hand as if she still couldn't believe it, asking to see the address. Her voice carried the faint hope that it would turn out wrong.
"Shinu, show me."
I handed her my phone. She pulled out her own and started comparing them. A long, lamenting sigh escaped her.
"Sigh. It's right near our house."
"Really? Then let's go."
"Ugh. Fine. It's not that far, so let's hurry."
Right then, the wail of sirens rose from somewhere not too far away.
"......"
"......"
"......Should we run?"
"......Yeah."
It was a short exchange, but it was enough. Without another word we sprinted full-speed toward the address, dodging the police sirens just in case. That day, a wanted notice was issued in the neighborhood I used to live in. It was for a suspicious man who wandered around with a cross-dressed boy, picking door locks.
****
"This is the real one this time, right?"
"I hope so too."
This body is getting tired as well.
It had better be, fuck.
After dodging police cars, we finally reached the house. Of course the journey hadn't been smooth. Especially in the park.
"You crazy bastard! We're in a hurry, why the hell are you fighting?!"
"He started it!"
My dear. This body also thinks you are going a bit too far.
When someone picks a fight, you fight back. You don't just lower your head and walk away.
That would be the ultimate sweet-potato moment. But Hyeji clearly didn't understand my philosophy and kept yelling at the top of her lungs.
"No! Why are you barking back just because a dog is barking at you!!!"
"He called me a no-home-having idiot!!!"
......Why can you even understand that?
Hyeji clutched her head like I was hopeless and let out a huge sigh. Still—
"Please stop getting angry at every little thing."
"And why did he say you have a wall for a chest when he looked at you?"
"Where is that son of a bitch!!!!!!!!"
Our attitudes had completely flipped in an instant. Hyeji spun around, ready to hunt down the dog. Her willpower was so terrifying that just holding her back was exhausting. Eventually we looked up at the building where we'd arrived.
"So this is the place?"
"Looks like it. First time in an apartment, though."
The location Uncle Kang Hyuk sent us to was an apartment complex built about five years ago. It wasn't brand new, but it was well-maintained—there wasn't a speck of dirt anywhere. Even the children's playground had zero rusted equipment. After wandering around the complex for a bit, we finally reached the front door.
"Shinu, I'm still not convinced this is it."
"This time it is."
Even after arriving, Hyeji kept worrying whether this was really the right house. I, however, was completely certain. Mainly because the door of the unit right next door was split cleanly in two.
This is the twelfth floor, right? Looks like we jumped down from here earlier, huh?
Since you didn't die, he must have sent the address. Let's go in.
It was a house I'd never seen before. Naturally I didn't know the passcode. All I could do was mindlessly press the doorbell. I rang it over and over, but the steel door showed no sign of opening. I hadn't planned to use it, but there was no choice. While knocking, I activated my ultimate technique.
"Delivery!"
"Yes! Coming!"
The door flew open immediately. The person who appeared was a woman. She had a youthful face that didn't match her age, long black hair tied loosely at the ends. I had seen her six months ago, yet she looked completely unchanged.
Yes. It was Mom.
Since she was home, she was dressed very lightly. The moment I saw her familiar face I tried to greet her.
"Mom, I'm ba—"
Mom immediately tried to slam the door shut. But there was no way I'd let that happen. After all, I grew up with this woman. I instantly wedged my foot in to block the door and desperately tried to talk to her.
"No! Fuck! Open the door! Your son is here, why are you acting like this?!"
"You should still be at the Academy! What are you talking about, you impersonating bastard!!"
"It's vacation today! Fuck, it's vacation!!!"
".....Ah? It is?"
After a long struggle, the door finally opened.
"Now that I look properly, it really is my dog-like son bastard."
"......It would've been nice if you noticed that a little sooner."
"Hurry up and come in. Bugs will get in."
Then Mom's gaze shifted to Hyeji.
"Oh? Who is this behind you?"
"H-hello! I'm Kim Hyeji, Shinu's classmate!"
Hyeji greeted her in a nervous, stuttering voice that was completely unlike her usual self. She stood there stiff as a board, looking exactly like an unfinished robot running beta AI software.
"Nice to meet you. I'm Shinu's mom. Just call me Mother."
"Yes, Mother!"
"Still, our Shinu brought home a pretty girl, didn't he?"
Hyeji's eyes flew wide open at those words.
"Do.... Do I look like a girl to you?"
"Isn't that obvious? Or are you a boy?"
"No, no. It's just... I'm so touched. Sob sob."
Tears glistened in Hyeji's eyes. She must have been moved to finally meet someone who saw her as a woman.
Who on earth would mistake such a delicate girl for a guy?
......Are you truly a human being?
Mom comforted the teary Hyeji and ushered her inside, then quickly closed the door so no bugs could follow. It was perfect. If only she hadn't left me standing outside.
"Open the door, fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
***
The door opened carefully only after thirty minutes. And it wasn't Mom who opened it—it was Hyeji, who had finally come to her senses.
That... is the son, right?
....Now even this body is confused.
The moment I stepped inside, the smell of freshly cooked food hit me. It must have been dinner time. I saw Dad sitting at the table. However—
"Shinu.... You're here."
He didn't look great. The old Dad had been solidly muscular with a little extra weight. Now he was completely different—extremely slim, face so thin his cheekbones stood out. The only thing that hadn't changed was his slightly graying hair. At least he wasn't bald.
Thank god. Really, thank god.
This is truly a relief. Congratulations.
The house itself looked completely different. But the biggest change was something else entirely.
"....Whose damn dog is that?"
"Got it from an acquaintance recently."
A chihuahua. A creature composed of fifty percent hatred and fifty percent trembling. That very chihuahua was strutting around our living room. Hyeji looked slightly afraid as she watched it.
"Shinu? Aren't chihuahuas usually really aggressive? Not that I'm criticizing your family's dog or anything."
"I get it. But it's not always the case."
I slowly reached my hand toward the trembling chihuahua. I wasn't sure if the trembling came from rage or fear.
"A dog's aggression has nothing to do with its breed."
"Then?"
"It depends on the person who trains it—"
-CHOMP!
The chihuahua sank its teeth into my hand with terrifying force and attempted a death roll. So the trembling really had been from pure rage.
"Chihuahuas really are the most vicious little shits."
There's a hole in your palm.
Ah, fuck.