The Three Elements You Must Know If You're an Author
By the time the two regular metronomes had quieted down, only two irreversible phenomena remained. One was the pair of broken spoons. The other was Choi Daeun’s massively swollen head. It must have hurt like hell, because she was stroking her skull and sobbing.
“Hic… hic… It hurts… I’ve been defiled.”
“The one who’s been defiled is my heart, you fucking bitch.”
I didn’t feel a single drop of sympathy. If anything, Choi Daeun should have been thanking me for letting her live instead of killing her.
I hauled her to her feet and calmly delivered my demand.
“Anyway, stop publishing this insane novel.”
“That’s impossible! It’s already sold out!”
“.....What?”
I instantly seized her by the collar. The sheer rage I felt was obvious, but it still couldn’t hide the trembling in my hands. I fought to steady myself and growled.
“What the… fuck are you saying… you son of a bitch.”
“This was our first non-face-to-face sale and it blew up! Want to see the customer reviews?”
Completely ignoring my mood, Choi Daeun beamed as she tapped her phone and shoved the screen at me. It was some online sales page. The comments for the exact book she had sold earlier filled my vision. Naturally, every single one was anonymous.
The objective facts hitting my eyes came in three clear points. One: the giant “Sold Out” banner because they’d run out of stock. Two: a 4.9 rating that had completely shattered the five-point scale. Three: a comment count deep into the triple digits, far too many to brush off as a mere number.
My mind felt like it was about to break.
“What… what the hell is this. How many people bought it?”
“These motherfuckers—who the hell gave them permission to ship people like this!!!”
“Young master, young lady. Please calm yourselves.”
[Looks like a male heroine is getting added to the cast.]
If you spout that kind of bullshit, I’ll really kill you, you fuck.
Jung Ayeon tried to calm us, but it was useless.
“You think I can fucking calm down over this?”
“Just accept it! This is already an irreversible trend!”
“You fucking bitch!”
I grabbed her collar again and this time hoisted her clean off the ground. Even watching her flail didn’t ease my rage one bit.
“Trend my ass. You dying is the trend of this chapter.”
“Shinwoo, where are all these bastards? We can just trace their IPs, right? I’ll go burn them all.”
I tossed Choi Daeun aside and wrapped my arms around Hye-ji before she could lose her mind and charge out. If Hye-ji moved, things would not end cleanly.
Maybe it worked. Hye-ji began to stay obediently in my embrace.
[It’s a Belbel Party (BL BL Party)!]
Those fuckers should just crawl off to the J platform and die.
I forced the panting Choi Daeun back onto her feet.
“You bitch. You said you were a writer, right?”
“Cough, cough. Yes, that’s correct. I write male-oriented fantasy novels.”
If she could proudly call herself an author, she couldn’t be completely hopeless. That was why one question suddenly popped into my head.
“Then why the hell did you write this kind of garbage instead of your usual stuff?”
“The thing is, my current novel is male-oriented, so the story progression has gotten difficult.”
She scratched her head with an embarrassed look. Then she suddenly shuddered as if she had remembered something terrifying.
“If I make even the smallest mistake, I get flooded with comments like, ‘I’m dropping this. Author, you should go do loading and unloading work at Coupang instead.’”
“So writing male-oriented serials is hard, huh?”
A wonderful plan occurred to me. At the same time, a filthy smile spread across my face. First, I whispered so only Hye-ji could hear.
“Hye-ji, go cover Jung Ayeon’s mouth.”
“Got it.”
“Young lady? What is the meaning of this deed?”
Hye-ji didn’t bother answering with words. She simply replied by swiftly clamping a hand over Jung Ayeon’s mouth from behind.
With that, every possible variable had been removed.
Preparations complete, I decided to teach Choi Daeun my secret technique.
“Choi Daeun. I’ve read quite a lot of novels myself. So even if I can’t write, I know exactly how to grip readers by the throat.”
“Really?! Please bestow your teachings upon me!!”
The pain from earlier had vanished; Choi Daeun now clung to me like a leech. It was so shameless and disgusting I wanted to slap her across the face. But I endured. I craved a far more spectacular revenge.
Suppressing the blazing inferno of fury in my chest, I opened my mouth toward Choi Daeun. First, I needed to check whether she had read other web novels.
“Before that, let me ask one thing. Have you read many other web novels?”
“No. Honestly, just serializing my own work is already tight. I don’t have time to read anything else.”
Perfect. It was truly fortunate she hadn’t read any other web novels. It would have been dangerous if she caught on.
Next came confirming the serialization platform. I had to make sure the environment was perfect for the blow to land.
“Where do you serialize?”
“That one place that only pushes a single cute mascot. The servers crash at the slightest excuse.”
“I know exactly which one.”
“Yes, especially when people shorten the mascot’s name—”
“They asked us not to shorten it at customer service.”
I hurriedly covered Choi Daeun’s mouth.
[That was dangerous.]
This is the only time. Thank you, Novel-chan.
I removed my hand from her mouth and continued. The revenge was only beginning.
“Can you give me a quick summary of what kind of novel it is?”
“It’s a fantasy growth story. With a harem.”
“How are the numbers?”
“The view count has dropped sharply lately.”
Choi Daeun instantly became depressed. It was clear the recent drop in views bothered her. I pretended to stroke my chin while glancing toward Hye-ji. She was still perfectly pinning Jung Ayeon and covering her mouth. Flawless.
I turned back to Choi Daeun and spoke as calmly as possible so I wouldn’t ruin the plan.
“First, think about it. What do you believe is the problem with your novel?”
“Probably because it’s a harem. As the number of heroines increases, the views decrease.”
“I see. That’s most likely because you added more heroines without managing them properly.”
Choi Daeun pondered whether that was truly the case. Before she could think too deeply, I quickly continued.
“Is a harem really just about conquering the heroines and turning them into trophies?”
“No, but… I don’t know what else to do.”
Choi Daeun’s eyes began to sparkle. Meeting that gaze, I spoke.
“You can’t just leave the heroines alone. You have to give the readers tension so they stay glued to the story.”
“How?”
“She’s still a virgin heroine who hasn’t entered a relationship yet, right? Have the mastermind kidnap her and leave only a single note behind.”
“Isn’t that a bit too extreme?”
Choi Daeun looked slightly afraid. I patted her shoulder and spoke as gently as I could.
“Think about it. The readers’ hearts will tighten with the question, ‘Has the heroine been defiled?’”
“You’re right! The tension would definitely be no joke!”
“That’s not it!!! Mmph!!! Mmmph!!!! Mmph!!!!!!”
Hye-ji immediately tightened her grip over Jung Ayeon’s mouth. She was still marking her perfectly.
“You have to keep the pacing from getting too loose like that.”
“Yes! I understand! I’ll engrave it in my heart!!”
At some point Choi Daeun had pulled out a notebook and begun scribbling furiously. When her hand finally stopped, I continued with the next piece of advice.
“And the protagonist just keeps growing smoothly? The tension that came from the desperation in the early stages disappears.”
“Then what should I do?”
“Have him lose all his power from an ancient curse and start over from scratch.”
“Oh! Returning to those first raw emotions!”
“Exactly. You caught on quickly.”
“Stop!!! Mmph!!! Let me go!!! Ugh!!!! Mmph!!!”
Despite Hye-ji’s iron grip, Jung Ayeon’s resistance was growing fiercer. I needed to hurry before it was too late.
“And finally, you said it was a male protagonist, right?”
“Yes!”
“Then create one male party member who approaches the male protagonist.”
“Isn’t the picture getting a little strange?”
This time Choi Daeun looked genuinely confused. But stopping here would ruin everything. I kept my expression as indifferent as possible and continued calmly.
“Regular editions originally have male party members too. On the site you serialize on, there are plenty of novels where the entire party consists of men.”
“Ah, my perspective was too narrow.”
Fortunately she accepted it easily. Time to return to the main point.
“Anyway, that male colleague should obsess over the protagonist’s every single action and cling to him.”
“In what way?”
“For example, have a male colleague who says things like ‘Hyung, do you really want to see me go crazy??’”
“Yes! I understand!!! I’ll add it immediately!!!”
“Good. That’s the end of my advice.”
“Stop!!!! Mmph!!!! That much is absolutely not allowed!!! Mmph!!!”
No further advice was necessary. Choi Daeun quickly gathered her belongings, gave a brief bow, and left.
Only then did Hye-ji release Jung Ayeon. Jung Ayeon glared at me with a hollow expression.
“......Young master is truly a fucking son of a bitch.”
“It’s reasonable revenge for writing a weird novel about me in the first place.”
“Shinwoo, what the hell was that just now?”
“The three fatal drop factors for web novels.”
Hye-ji apparently didn’t read web novels, so she looked lost. On the other hand, I had expected Jung Ayeon to share her sister’s reading hobby. And from her reaction earlier, it seemed my prediction had been correct.
“A 5,700-character wall of text will come flying your way.”
“5,700 characters would be lucky. I’m expecting 57,000.”
Jung Ayeon narrowed her eyes sharply and began to protest.
“Does young master Shinwoo understand the hearts of people?”
“The king said he does not know the hearts of men.”
“As expected, Shinwoo is the king of unicorns.”
“Fuck, that backfired.”
[Isn’t that a bit too harsh?]
Still, it’s not a plot where a disbanded male idol group makes a comeback, is it?
Do your best, Choi Daeun. You bitch.
The first practical training session since the midterms. Unlike before, there would be no more duels against fellow students. Instead, the opponents we would fight this time were none other than monsters. They weren’t real monsters, of course—just fakes created by a simulator. Naturally their overall specs were slightly lower than the real thing.
While I was thinking it should be manageable, I noticed Hye-ji’s unusual appearance and spoke up.
“Hye-ji, why are you carrying a hammer and shield this time?”
Instead of her usual firearms, she was armed with crude melee weapons. It was quite a rare sight.
“Are you going Poppy support?”
“I used too much firepower during the midterms, so the Monster Rights Association filed a complaint.”
Hye-ji grumbled with a thoroughly displeased face. She looked genuinely upset.
“Who the hell are those guys?”
“I don’t know. They’re just fucking bitches.”
There was still time before class started, so I quickly pulled out my phone and searched. The natural destination was Kingmuwiki, the great repository of all knowledge. The moment I typed it in, a flood of incidents, accidents, and famous quotes poured out.
After reading them, both I and the voice came to the same conclusion.
[There are actually bastards who scatter feed while claiming they’re feeding the monsters.]
Even when a person dies they say shit like ‘Our monster might have just bitten, you know?’
They were seriously insane. Curious what kind of group they were, I quickly read through the explanations. Their history was surprisingly short. They first appeared around the time when the hunters’ activities had brought a measure of peace. It was a group that perfectly fit the phrase “give them food and a roof and they’ll do every crazy thing under the sun.”
They had branched off from the existing Animal Protection Association to become the Monster Rights Association, but as their influence grew they instead swallowed the original group whole. Apparently the decisive factor had been recruiting a massive number of crazy cat ladies at the end. Thanks to those fanatics’ aggressive activism, the Monster Rights Association had become mainstream, and the cat ladies naturally rose to leadership positions.
Anyway, their main activities consisted of issuing statements condemning hunters’ treatment of monsters or conducting violent protests to physically prevent hunters from subjugating them. They were intelligent and vicious acts carried out while fully aware they were civilians.
Another characteristic was that their excessive love for monsters caused the average lifespan of members to be extremely short. Most of them ended their lives by being eaten by the very monsters they protected. Yet it was a bizarre organization whose power kept expanding instead of shrinking.
[There is no sanity left in this world.]
That’s just how all those crazy cat lady bastards are.
“Anyway, until things quiet down I’ll have to use only melee weapons for a while.”
“This is seriously fucked. Hye-ji, you’ve got it rough.”
“The interference is way too much. Anyone watching would think I explode every single second, you know?”
Yet despite her words, Hye-ji’s hands were trembling. It looked exactly like a drug addict being forced into withdrawal.
“Miss Hye-ji, it seems withdrawal symptoms have arrived.”
“...Hye-ji, looking at you right now, I’m starting to think those people might have a point.”
It was almost time for class to begin. Once the assigned students entered the dueling arena, monsters started randomly spawning on the opposite side.
My opponents were two slightly oversized wolves. Unlike the unicorn, there were no numbers floating above their heads this time. Since they were simulator constructs, it seemed regression wasn’t possible.
[Will you be able to handle them?]
They’re not even unicorns, just some dog bastards. It’s a piece of cake.
I stepped forward confidently and charged at the monsters.
One minute later.
I was being dragged all over the dueling arena with both legs bitten. It looked like some kind of grotesque parade. In the end they hurled me to the ground and struck a pose, lifting their legs over my head.
“Shinwoo, why are you getting toyed with like that?”
“I’ve been defiled, fuck.”
“Wait, you turned into a human butcher when you were hitting people, but you can’t hit monsters? Is this species discrimination?”
“Perhaps the young master has joined the Monster Rights Association as well?”
Hye-ji and Jung Ayeon drove daggers straight into my heart. The pain was so great my face fell before I could stop it. Yet the brighter Hye-ji and Jung Ayeon smiled, the more it hurt.
“Shinwoo, that’s not how you catch them~.”
“Young master, that is not the correct method there.”
[That is not how you do it.]
“Fuck.”
They were a bunch of ridiculous dog bastards. And this wasn’t even Dark Souls.