Mixed Feelings (3)
The words hung in the air like a shadow—I don't think I loved my children. It was unsettling, the kind of confession that made everyone’s mouths snap shut at once. For a moment, the four of us stood in heavy silence. The first to speak was Baek Seol-hwa.
“...Why?”
“I never abandoned them while I was alive, but… honestly, I did resent them a little. They appeared so suddenly. Even though I knew it was wrong, those thoughts crept in anyway.”
It was the kind of feeling a parent should never harbor, yet as a human, it was painfully understandable. Having a child thrust upon you out of nowhere—how overwhelming that must have been.
“Still, even after their father died, I didn’t give up on raising them. I never resorted to anything like child abuse. As far as I remember, I did my best.”
From what she described, it sounded like she had raised them responsibly. Plenty of people erased pregnancies or abandoned newborns. By comparison, she had tried to take responsibility.
“And yet you don’t love them?”
“The truth is… my memories of the children are strangely faint. I can’t explain it, but while I remember their names, their faces… I can barely picture them.”
Another head injury case? She had mentioned an accident, so it wasn’t impossible. If the trauma had blurred her memories of the children and, along with them, any love she once felt… that made a twisted kind of sense.
“That’s why I want to find them. I need to know whether I truly left behind any lingering attachment.”
“So you want us to locate the children for you.”
“I remember their names… After I died, they were probably sent to an orphanage.”
“What about relatives on either side?”
“Both families were strongly opposed to our relationship… The chances are low.”
Still, it was impressive they had managed to raise a child together at all. They must have been far younger than I was now when the twins were born.
“Then we should start by finding the children.”
“How, though?”
“You said you remember their names. Could you tell us what they are?”
“Yang Min-woo and Yang Min-ji.”
Two?
“They’re twins. One boy, one girl.”
“Ah, I see.”
I had assumed there was only one. She had used the singular “child,” so I never realized there were two.
“How old would they be now?”
“It’s been three years since I died… so they should be seven now.”
“Seven-year-old boy and girl, names Yang Min-woo and Yang Min-ji…”
If they had been placed in an orphanage, there was a decent chance they had been moved to another region. Still, the logical first step was to check the facilities closest to where she had lived.
“Could you guide us to where you used to live? We’ll start with the orphanages in that area.”
“Yes.”
We followed the spirit as we changed locations. We took the subway from Nampo, rode it all the way up, transferred to Line 2, and got off at Jurae Station.
“Since you said you lived in Jurae-dong, let’s start with the orphanages around here.”
“But what should we say so we don’t look suspicious? A random stranger showing up asking about specific kids would seem weird.”
“Hmm…”
“How about saying we’re friends? We look around the same age.”
“Would that be okay?”
“Of course. You’re helping me.”
We headed first to the orphanage closest to Jurae Station. When we explained we were looking for children left there about three years ago, the director came out to meet us.
“Where are you all from?”
“Ah, one of my friends passed away about three years ago. I heard her children are living in an orphanage, so I came to see them… By any chance, are there children here named Yang Min-woo and Yang Min-ji?”
“Hmm, no. We don’t have any children by those names.”
“Did any children with those names come through and then get transferred…?”
“No. I tend to remember the names of every child who comes to our facility. There weren’t any children like that three years ago.”
“I see. Thank you for letting us know.”
“You should try other places besides ours.”
“We will.”
I hadn’t expected to succeed on the first try. One failure was nothing to be discouraged about. We asked for directions to the next closest orphanage, but the result there was the same.
“Min-woo and Min-ji… Those are pretty common names. But no children by those names came in three years ago. You might want to check elsewhere.”
We moved on to the next orphanage, then the one after that, and the one after that. Still, we heard nothing about the two children. When we had left Nampo it had been early evening, but now the hour was creeping toward midnight. It was getting too late to visit any more facilities.
“For now…”
“We should call it a day.”
Baek Seol-hwa, Jang San, and I all reached the same conclusion. The spirit seemed to agree.
“Let’s continue the search tomorrow.”
“...Okay.”
There was always the chance we might not find them tomorrow either. Depending on the orphanage’s circumstances, the children could have been transferred to a facility in another city. They might even have been adopted. If that were the case, the search would become incredibly difficult. Adoption records were rarely shown to anyone who wasn’t family. No matter how much we claimed to be friends, they probably wouldn’t let us see anything.
Still…
“It’ll be fine. We’ll find them.”
There was no need to make the spirit anxious by only speaking in worst-case scenarios. We agreed to meet again the next day and parted ways.
The following morning, Baek Seol-hwa, Jang San, and the spirit who had accompanied us the day before all showed up bright and early. They must have felt we hadn’t covered enough ground yesterday, because the suggestion was to meet at dawn and continue the search.
“But this is way too inefficient.”
Just as we were about to set off together, Jang San suddenly spoke up.
“Inefficient?”
“How many orphanages do you think there are in Busan alone? If we have to check every single one, and then start looking outside the city if that fails… it’s just too inefficient.”
She had a point, but…
“It’s not like we have a better option, do we?”
“...Actually, I think there might be one.”
“Huh?”
“Let’s use the Gallery.”
The Ghost Gallery?
“You want me to post something looking for the kids? I doubt anyone would even pay attention.”
“Normally that would be true. But…”
Jang San pointed at me.
“If it’s a post written by 100.100, wouldn’t it be different? The floating user who vanished after the offline meetup incident and became the center of attention not long ago.”
“...You want me to farm aggro?”
“As expected, Se-hwan, you catch on fast.”
It honestly wasn’t a bad idea. The Ghost Gallery was a gathering place for yokai and spirits from all over the country… There was a chance one of them might have seen the children. It wasn’t a sure thing, but it was definitely worth trying.
I immediately turned on my phone and logged into the Ghost Gallery.
> [Logging in…….]
> [Welcome to the community for yokai, monsters, and spirits — ‘Ghost Gallery’.]
The gallery was as lively as ever today. Every time I visited, I was reminded just how many spirits lingered in the world with unresolved regrets.
“What should I write?”
“Last time you were pretty good at stirring up aggro, Se-hwan. Show us that skill again.”
“That’s not exactly a pleasant memory, so could you not bring it up?”
When Baek Seol-hwa made a pouty face, Jang San laughed as if it were the funniest thing in the world. I wondered when these two would ever get along…
“Aggro…”
The content was about finding children. To maximize attention, I needed something that would draw people in. My IP alone might be enough to cause a stir, but I had to make it explosive.
After thinking for a moment, I began typing. The moment I finished the short post, I uploaded it.
The instant the post went up, Jang San checked what I had written and burst into roaring laughter. Baek Seol-hwa exploded.
“Hey, hey!?! What the hell did you just write!?”
I mean, she told me to farm aggro.
“I just spouted some nonsense to draw attention.”
“B-but why did it have to be about my panties!?”
“The legendary floating user 100.100—who actually met Snowflake—says he saw the color of her panties. Wouldn’t you click on that?”
“......”
Baek Seol-hwa couldn’t come up with a rebuttal. If the other person had been human, I might have been reported for sexual harassment, but since she was a yokai… and I hadn’t actually seen her panties, there was no real problem.
“Then…”
“?”
“Then… how do you even know the color? Did you really see them…?”
“......What?”
…No.
“Are you crazy!? Why would I ever do something like—”
“Then how did you guess it right, you bastard!”
“It was just a coincidence!!”
“Oh, the comments are exploding.”
Whether I was bickering with Baek Seol-hwa or not, Jang San was watching the gallery and announced that the replies were pouring in.
“You really know how to farm aggro, Se-hwan.”
“...Did you see that, Seol-hwa?”
“Shut up, you pervert!”
…This was so unfair.
As Jang San said, the comments were exploding. I checked the post.
Less than five minutes had passed since I posted, yet there were already over forty comments. I ignored the obvious troll replies and focused on the ones claiming they knew something or had seen the children.
“Looks like… about seven people?”
“The real question is how many of them are actually telling the truth. Let’s contact them through open chat.”
There were bound to be fake aggro posts mixed in.
“Yeah.”
I sent open chat invites to everyone who had commented that they knew the kids, plus anyone else who showed up later. The results were…
“...They were all just farming aggro.”
Most of them clearly had no idea what they were talking about. When I reached out through open chat, the majority either asked if Snowflake’s panties were really white or sent creepy questions.
“Snowflake sure is popular.”
“...Can you please stop?”
“...Sorry.”
Baek Seol-hwa covered her now-crimson face with both hands.
“Because of you, I’m too embarrassed to ever visit the gallery again…”
“Hey, Se-hwan. Another one just came in.”
“Probably more aggro.”
It would honestly be faster to just run around on foot.
“Still, you never know. Check it quickly.”
“Fine…”
This time I sent the message with almost no expectations. But the person who replied this time was different.
A photo of a boy and a girl together.
[Aren’t these the kids you’re looking for?]
A photo? I immediately showed it to the spirit. Her eyes widened.
“That’s them! Those are my children!”
We had found them. All three of us exclaimed at once.
“Then…!”
“Where are they? Let’s go right now!”
“Wait, hold on.”
[Where did you see them?]
[An orphanage in Ulsan. I’ll send you the address.]
[Thank you so much.]
I turned to Baek Seol-hwa with renewed confidence. She glared at me fiercely.
“What are you looking so proud for?”
“...Never mind.”
She still hadn’t forgiven me.
Right above Busan was Ulsan. Even though it was another city, the train ride only took about twenty minutes. Add in the time it took to reach Busan Station by subway, and we arrived in Ulsan a little later than expected.
“Ulsan Dong-gu, Daesong-dong, 115-97…”
This seemed to be the place. It was a small orphanage. Among all the ones we had visited so far, this one looked especially modest. Were the two children really here?
“Aha, caught you!”
“Stay right there~!”
“If you get caught you have to be the seeker, so why are you stopping? Heehee!”
Children were playing hide-and-seek on the playground inside the orphanage. Among them was the familiar face of the boy from the photo.
“Isn’t that the boy?”
“Ah… yes. That’s Min-woo.”
I was a little surprised. This was the first time she had seen her own child in nearly three years, yet her reaction was strangely calm.
“He really… has grown a lot.”
She wasn’t completely emotionless, though. She seemed to feel a quiet tenderness as she looked at her grown son. It was oddly ambiguous. She clearly cared, but her reaction didn’t feel like that of a parent reuniting with a child after three years. Did this mother truly not love her children?
“Excuse me, who are you?”
“Ah.”
Three strangers loitering near the orphanage must have looked suspicious. Baek Seol-hwa, who knew how to smile kindly, stepped forward first.
“Hello. Are you the director?”
“Yes, I’m the director here. And you are…? Do you have business with our orphanage?”
“Ah, are the children named Yang Min-woo and Yang Min-ji staying here?”
“Yes? Yes, they are… but how did you know that?”
“Min-woo and Min-ji are the children of a friend of ours. Their mother was our middle school classmate. We only recently heard what happened to her in that accident… so we wanted to see how the children are doing.”
Baek Seol-hwa spoke naturally.
“These two are the same.”
“Hello.”
“Nice to meet you.”
“Ah, I see. Min-woo and Min-ji are both doing well. Min-woo is playing over there… and Min-ji is probably taking a nap right now.”
“Ah… would it be possible to talk with them? Just for a little while?”
“Hmm, as long as you stay within the orphanage grounds, that should be fine… but please try not to mention their parents. As you know, both of their parents passed away early. It must have left scars on their young hearts. We wouldn’t want to trigger any trauma…”
“Yes, we’ll be careful.”
Perhaps because Baek Seol-hwa had such an innocent-looking face and smiled so brightly, the director seemed to trust her easily. If I had been the one talking, things might have gotten more complicated…
“Min-woo~ Can you wake Min-ji and bring her here? She should be sleeping in the Sunflower Room~.”
“Okay, teacher~!”
Sunflower Room… It seemed they named the rooms after flowers, just like how kindergartens often named classes after flowers. This was my first time visiting an active orphanage, but it didn’t seem all that different from a kindergarten.
A short while later, Min-woo and Min-ji appeared. They looked a little bigger than in the photo.
“These big brothers and sisters said they’d play with you. Would you like to spend some time with them?”
“Yeees~.”
“...Yes.”
Min-woo answered energetically, but Min-ji, who had apparently just woken up from her nap, replied a bit grumpily.
“I’ll leave them in your care, then.”
“Yes, Director.”
Once the director left us alone, we were finally able to meet the twins properly. People always said young children were like angels, and just having them stare at me was enough to make them look adorable. Was this what it felt like to have a niece or nephew?
“Mister, what are we going to play?”
“Huh?”
“You said you’d play with us.”
“Oh.”
The director had said that, hadn’t she.
“What do you want to play?”
“You didn’t decide already?”
“Uh… I don’t know what Min-woo likes, so…”
“By the way, who are you guys?”
It was Min-ji. Her voice was still childlike and high-pitched, but her tone was sharp and direct.
“We’ve never seen any of you before.”
…Was she really seven? Why was this kid so sharp?
When Baek Seol-hwa saw me flustered, she let out a small sigh and stepped forward.
“Actually, we’re friends of Min-ji’s mom~.”
“Liar.”
“...Huh?”
“Mom doesn’t have any friends.”
At that cutting remark, the spirit beside us let out a small groan. …So she really didn’t have any friends.
“People used to visit Mom when Dad was alive—mostly Dad’s friends. But after Dad passed away, the only people who came were those trying to take advantage of a single mother.”
Baek Seol-hwa was left speechless after being logically dismantled by a seven-year-old. And the way the girl casually spoke about something that should have been traumatic… she didn’t seem like a seven-year-old at all. What kind of experiences could turn a child this age into someone like this?
“...S-sorry. I didn’t mean to lie on purpose.”
“Then what is it?”
“The truth is…”
“The truth is we came to check whether you two are doing well. The part about being Mom’s friends was a lie.”
Instead of Baek Seol-hwa, who had been about to tell the pure truth, Jang San smoothly took over.
“It’s part of the country’s job to make sure children without parents are doing okay in orphanages. We had to lie to the director so we could see how you normally behave without any pretense.”
“Ohh.”
…Impersonating a government official is a crime, you idiot. But Min-ji finally seemed convinced. At least the outcome was good.
“But we’re doing fine. All the teachers here are nice, and they said they’ll buy us new clothes and school bags next year since we’re starting elementary school.”
She spoke clearly and precisely. It was impressive how articulate she was. Meanwhile, Min-woo kept staring at me with eyes that seemed to ask when we were going to play.
…They say girls develop mentally faster, but the difference here was huge.
If I didn’t start playing with him soon, he might start crying. His expression was getting worse by the second.
“Hey, you two handle things here. I need to go play with Min-woo for a bit.”
“Ah, okay.”
I had no choice. I would have to trust them with this.
While Se-hwan went off to play with Min-woo, Seol-hwa and San glanced at the spirit while facing Min-ji. They could sense a certain tenderness in her gaze, but it didn’t feel overflowing with affection. Why was that? She clearly cared about the children, so why did her emotions seem so lukewarm?
“...How do you feel?”
“I’m relieved they’re doing well. It seems there were many good people around even after I left.”
Her reaction was too simple. There was no surge of emotion, no overwhelming feeling. Nothing like the deep, aching longing a parent should feel after reuniting with children they hadn’t seen in years. While Seol-hwa found it strange, San asked Min-ji directly.
“Do you eat well?”
“Yes. Except for the fact that Min-woo still hates pumpkin.”
“You don’t have any picky eating habits?”
“I eat everything.”
As if to confirm Min-ji’s words weren’t a lie, the mother spirit nodded.
“Even when they were little, Min-woo was always a picky eater while Min-ji wasn’t. He used to hate onions, but now it’s pumpkins, I guess.”
“...You still don’t feel it?”
“Seeing that they’re doing well does bring me relief. Is that what love for a child feels like?”
“It’s not entirely wrong, but…”
It still felt incredibly lacking. It didn’t sound like a mother’s love, or maternal instinct.
That was when it happened.
“Min-ji.”
“Yes?”
“What were your parents like?”
Jang San asked the question so bluntly that Baek Seol-hwa looked horrified.
“Hey, hey! Are you crazy!?… We were told not to touch on their trauma……”
“They were really wonderful people.”
“...?”
Surprisingly, Min-ji remained remarkably composed. Her expression wasn’t completely unaffected, but she didn’t burst into tears either.
“How on earth were they raised for a seven-year-old to be this mature…?”
“Min-ji has always had a strong sense of responsibility. Even though she was born after Min-woo, she always acted like the big sister. I never specifically taught her to do that.”
At the mother spirit’s words, Baek Seol-hwa looked at Min-ji with a complicated expression. Jang San smiled gently at the child’s mature attitude.
“Really? What made them so wonderful?”
“Even when they were busy and tired from work, they always put us first. If there was something delicious, they gave it to us first. Even if their own clothes were worn out, they bought new ones for us first. They always read us books before bed and sang lullabies. Even after Dad passed away first, Mom continued doing all of that.”
“...They really were good parents.”
“Yes. But there is one thing I regret.”
“What is it?”
“Actually, two things.”
The mature expression Min-ji had been wearing the whole time suddenly twisted.
“One is that they left us far too early.”
Both San and Seol-hwa were slightly startled. San quickly reached out to her.
“You don’t have to force yourself to talk. It’s okay. We’ve heard enough.”
“......It’s fine.”
Her face crumpled like she might cry, but she held it back. The way she tried to act even more mature was heartbreaking. Baek Seol-hwa bit her lip.
“The other is that I’ve never once… heard them say they loved me.”
“...What?”
It was a surprisingly painful answer.