Deal with God
"Hmm...... Huh? Where am I?"
I clearly remembered jerking off so much that I got exhausted and just collapsed onto my bed, falling asleep right there. But when I opened my eyes, all I saw was a brilliantly clear blue sky. My room back home had a ceiling blocking the view, and I'd even installed blackout curtains to keep out the sunlight—this kind of pristine sky unfolding right in front of me made no sense.
"Wh-what the?!"
Even more shocking was where I'd woken up: it looked like I was floating on a cloud in the heavens, the ground beneath me soft and fluffy like actual clouds.
"I'm not gonna fall through, am I?"
I pressed down on the cloudy floor with my hand—it felt nice and squishy, but reassuringly solid, no sense of it giving way beneath me. Relieved, I took a look around.
"What the hell is going on?"
Glancing to the side, there was nothing but endless sky and this cloudy floor. Realizing I was nowhere near my bedroom left me dumbfounded.
But why does my heart feel so damn calm?
In a ridiculous situation like this, I'd normally be panicking, my mind a whirlwind of confusion and fear. But for some reason, right now, I felt utterly at peace.
"My son..."
"Huh?... Wh-who are you?!"
Hearing a voice call me "son," I whipped around. There sat a colossal man—at least ten meters tall—lounging on a massive throne, gazing down at me. I was startled, sure, but not enough to faint. Instinctively, I knew exactly who he was.
"Are you... God?"
"That's right, my son..."
He hadn't even told me, and I wasn't the type to believe in gods, but I just knew this guy was one. No doubt about it.
"Why am I here?"
"Because you're dead."
"Ah... I see."
Hearing I'd died didn't ruffle me at all. I just accepted it, calm as ever.
Guess I really am dead, huh.
Normally, I'd be freaking out, denying reality until my sanity cracked. But nope—not a hint of that. Instinct told me this was what came after death.
"So, am I headed to heaven, then?"
"No, my son... that's up to you."
"Oh? Well, that's a relief."
I'd been half-expecting a lecture about all my sins landing me in hell, but apparently not.
"But how did I die? I just remember lying down and falling asleep."
I wondered if some intruder had broken in while I slept and killed me...
"You jerked off too much, overdid it, and had a heart attack."
"......I see."
Part of me wished I hadn't asked. Now embarrassment flooded in like a tidal wave.
Heart's still calm, but this is mortifying...
Even dead, emotions hadn't vanished entirely—my face burned red with shame. But hey, at least I wouldn't have to face more humiliation now.
"By the way, your body was discovered by your coworkers when they came looking for you after you didn't show up to work. They had it cremated properly."
"I didn't wanna know that!!"
Dying embarrassingly was bad enough—knowing my colleagues had all seen my corpse together made me want to bury my head in the... well, clouds, and die all over again from shame.
"Sigh... whatever, it's done."
Dead already—what more could embarrass me?
Wait... my porn!!
Or so I thought, until I remembered the 100TB external hard drive of porn I'd just finished compiling before dying. I blurted at God in a panic.
"H-hey, what about the external drive in my room? They didn't all see that too, did they?!"
"You mean these?"
"P-please say no!!"
Dead or not, if anyone found that, I'd die of shame for real. Who collects 100TB of porn and stores it on an external? The ultimate suicide bait.
God, please!!!!... Wait, he is God, right? Please!!
"God, please erase every last one of those drives!!!"
It'd suck to lose them all, but better that than anyone else finding out.
"These things?"
Woooong.
"Th-those are!!"
God flicked his hand, and they materialized in the air—my precious external drives, filled with a decade of curated porn. Seeing them after death filled me with weird joy.
Ah... too bad I can't use 'em anyway...
No computer, no point. Still, relief washed over me knowing no one else had seen them.
"......But why do you have them, God?"
This stereotypical god straight out of my imagination holding my porn collection? Surreal.
"First off, I don't have a fixed form—I'm appearing as the god you imagined."
"Oh, so you can read my mind?"
"Yes."
"Got it..."
No rude thoughts, even in my head. I resolved to listen carefully.
"And I'm holding these because I want to make a deal with you."
His dignified voice caught me off guard.
"Can't you just take them? You're God."
Sure, handing over my collection stung, but an omnipotent being bothering to trade with me for it? Bizarre.
"Everything has rules—even gods must follow them."
"I see..."
Some higher-plane stuff beyond me—I wouldn't pry.
"You're dead, but these were yours in the living world. So they're still yours."
Made sense—he needed a deal to claim them.
Then the biggest question hit me.
"Do you know... what's on them?"
"Yes."
"Hmm......Right."
Not a mix-up, then. His firm answer shut me up.
God... wants porn?
Nothing special, just smut—yet here was God, coveting it. My mind reeled.
"Uh... mind telling me what you plan to do with it?"
Might be for some cosmic purpose, right?
"......A secret."
Called it!!
No denial, just averting his gaze? Obvious what it was for. A god jacking off? Mind-blowing.
"So, deal or no? Trade, or I'll erase these forever and send you to the afterlife?"
"Hmm..."
Losing 100TB hurt—it was years of perfect picks for my tastes.
But if God's using it... maybe that's fitting.
Someone—God—putting it to good use? Better than nothing.
"Ah!... But if I say no and go to the afterlife, what happens to me?"
"You'll shed all unhappy emotions and live eternally in perfect peace."
"Hmm..."
Sounds nice, but boring—just floating in nothingness forever? Pass.
"You want a deal, so if I give you the drives, what do I get?"
"Two choices: reincarnate into your original world with a new life... or live in the ideal world you dream of."
"What's this 'ideal world'?"
Shff.
God silently held out the porn drives.
"N-no way?!"
"Exactly. I'll let you live in a world just like these."
"Ooooh!!!"
Rebirth was okay, but an AV world any guy dreams of? No contest.
"It's decided, then."
"Yes! Use those porn vids however you like!!"
Handing over 10 years' worth for a chance to live the dream? Worth it.
An AV world made real!!
Stuff I'd only watched? Now I'd do it.
"Good. Rebirth as a baby would be inconvenient, so I'll place you in a suitable body."
"Thank you, God!!"
Win-win deal, no strings. He got my 100TB; I got AV paradise.
"I'll put these to good use."
"Yeah, enjoy the fap!"
Was that okay to say to God? Eh, that's why he wanted them.
"Then go enjoy that world, my son."
Snap.
"Whoa—whoaaa?!"
God flicked his fingers, and something yanked me downward like gravity from the clouds.
"I've also given you a gift to thrive in that world—use it well."
"Whaaaaaaa—!?!?"
His final words blurred as I plummeted at blinding speed.
Whoosh!!!!
I got sucked into something, blacked out, and began my new life.