The Unreachable Star
I'd been up since dawn on Sunday, trying to study, but nothing would stick.
Everything that went in leaked straight back out, like pouring water into a bottomless jar, and the frustration only made it worse. The efficiency was terrible. I'd forced myself out of bed so early, and yet here I was, hours later, still spinning my wheels. The sun was already high—had one or two hours really just slipped away that easily?
“Haa............”
I couldn't stop the deep sigh that escaped me.
Body and mind were both exhausted, but something had lodged itself in my head and refused to leave.
Jo-hwa's face—the one she'd worn while pretending she wasn't flustered, pretending she was fine, pretending she hadn't been hurt.
Just thinking about her made anger surge up inside me.
Just thinking about her made me feel pathetic.
Just thinking about her filled me with anxiety, fear, jealousy, envy—a whole swarm of ugly feelings blooming at once.
And still I couldn't erase her from my mind.
Why?
I asked myself endlessly and never found an answer.
All that happened was that contradictory emotions kept rising together.
I suppose “contradiction” was the right word for this.
“......Let's take a break first.”
Clear my head, then try again.
The moment I decided that, one notebook on the desk stood out more than anything else.
A simple pink notebook.
“......”
The one Jo Yul had left with me. Of course, it wasn't his notebook.
Her face rose in my mind again.
The pure, genuine smile of someone truly happy.
And then—
the sad smile of someone truly in pain.
“Jin............ Jo-hwa......”
The instant her name left my lips, my heart seemed to hammer violently.
“...?!”
Or was that just my imagination......?
I'd been so sure of the feeling, yet when I came back to myself my pulse was perfectly normal.
Had it really been a trick of the mind?
“......”
Without a word I opened Jo-hwa's notebook.
Her neat handwriting made everything easy to read, and the way she had organized the key points in order made the material simple to understand. It was a notebook that was pure Jo-hwa through and through.
The unreachable star.
I had always looked up at that shining star and dreamed.
Could I ever stand beside it?
Could I ever hold that star in both hands?
When had I first started thinking that way?
It felt like a memory from so long ago that I couldn't pin down the exact moment—yet I had never forgotten that I once held those thoughts.
Is a human being truly unable to walk with a star?
Is a human being truly unable to stand at a star's side?
Am I............ unable to become Jo-hwa's equal rival?
Is this simply the limit of what I am?
Just then—
a small but perfectly clear knock struck my eardrums.
“Who is it?”
“It's Grandfather. Do you have a moment?”
“Yes.”
What could Grandfather want?
It wasn't unheard of, but it wasn't common either, so I tilted my head as I opened the door.
There he stood in comfortable everyday clothes, smiling.
It looked like the face of someone who was expecting a great deal from me.
“This may take a while, so let's go to the living room.”
“Yes.”
I quietly followed him downstairs to the first-floor living room.
Father and Mother were already seated there, along with several relatives.
“!”
Tension seized me all at once.
What kind of conversation was about to unfold, how the atmosphere of this gathering would shift—my mind played it out like a drama.
I was trembling.
I could feel my heart rate climbing.
The anxiety was so strong that I forgot even to greet the adults and simply stood frozen.
“What's the matter?”
“Ah—nothing. Hello.”
Even that short, simple greeting was received warmly by the adults.
Smiles bloomed on their faces.
They must have been expecting something from me, just like Grandfather.
The mere thought made my hands and feet shake, but I forced the trembling down.
No.
Don't get nervous.
I already know I'll be scolded, and whatever expectations they have of me might collapse—but there's still a chance to recover, so......!
“I understand you took a practice exam recently. Even your father and mother didn't know the results. Since everyone happens to be gathered, we thought we'd hear it straight from you.”
“!”
I felt my fists clench.
The practice exam......!
I tried to look unbothered while putting more strength into my shaking arms and legs, but the pressure and weight of this room were no joke.
Until now I had never scored below ninety on anything. Once they learned it was eighty-three, how furious would they be? How disappointed? How severely would Father and Mother be blamed? Could I endure the misery that would follow? And if I couldn't endure it, what then? If I decided I couldn't endure it, what should I do? Run away? What if I cried? I'd look so pathetic. I had no confidence I wouldn't cry. Did I need to invent some plausible excuse? What illness should I claim? Nothing came to mind! What if they stopped expecting anything from me? What would become of the rest of my life? I couldn't even imagine it. No picture formed at all.
What am I supposed to do?!
Right in the middle of that chaos, just as I was about to cover my ears, curl up, and start crying, his words flashed through my mind like a lantern on a dark road.
There's nothing I expect from you.
I don't particularly want anything from you.
Why was I remembering what Jo Yul had said right now?
“Narae?”
“Ah. Yes!”
“You must be very tired. Are you all right? I'm starting to worry we dragged a sick child out for nothing.”
“I'm fine.”
I forced a smile and answered Grandfather.
I was just about to report the practice-exam score when Grandfather unexpectedly brought up someone else.
“Jo-hwa told me. She said you've been having a hard time ever since you entered high school.”
Jo-hwa......?
Why was that name coming out of Grandfather's mouth right now?
“Jo-hwa did......?”
“Yes. That child is still as bright and clever as ever. I heard she scored a perfect hundred on this practice exam.”
“!”
At Grandfather's words the adults all stirred.
Of course. There was no one in our family who didn't know Jo-hwa. Especially everyone gathered here knew her well, and Grandfather in particular had a close friendship with her father.
Once Jo-hwa's name was spoken I couldn't open my mouth.
The pressure only grew heavier, and I was so deep in panic that I couldn't even properly register what was happening in front of me.
What had I been about to say just now?
I was sure I'd been about to say something.
But I couldn't remember.
I wasn't even trying to remember.
“Her grades, her character—she's a child with a truly bright future. Heh heh heh.”
Please.....................
“She might even go out into the world someday.”
Please...............
“Isn't that obvious? Even before I became superintendent of education I'd never seen a child like her. She's showing us exactly what a real genius looks like.”
Please.........
“Hahaha! As an adult, watching children with bright futures is pure joy.”
Please......!
“I almost envy the school that has her as a student.”
Please, please!
Don't put any more pressure on me!
My breath caught in my throat.
Even inside the panic the anxiety kept swelling, seizing control of everything I was, while the burden multiplied at terrifying speed and crushed me under its weight.
I couldn't bear it.
It felt as if my spine had snapped and the nerves were severing one by one.
My knees shattered; the bones in my legs began to crack.
And still the burden kept growing.
Ah.................................................................................................................................
It's over.
“Still, our granddaughter is the best.”
?
“Of course! No matter who comes along, Narae is prettier and more precious.”
“Isn't that obvious? Narae is a child we can be proud of and adore even if she does nothing at all.”
Huh.............................................?
“I still remember so clearly how Narae grabbed the pencil at her first-birthday party.”
“Hahaha. I remember that too. The way she beamed so happily just from holding a pencil—how adorable she was.”
This...... isn't what I expected............?
The picture I had imagined was completely, utterly different.
What—what is this?
What on earth is this atmosphere?
Then Grandfather gently took my hand in both of his and spoke.
“It seems we placed far too heavy a burden on you. That was never our intention. We are truly, truly sorry......”
“Grandfather......?”
“Jo-hwa told us everything. How much you've been struggling with your studies. She said that was even the reason you collapsed this time.”
“What......?”
I was so stunned I couldn't follow the conversation, couldn't understand any of it.
What on earth...... is he saying?
“We simply loved you, so we wanted to cherish you, hold you close, and give you all our attention. Other grandsons might be disappointed if they heard this, might even complain that it's unfair, but everyone here agreed. Of course we love and cherish the grandsons too and want to hold them close. But you are special, aren't you? You're the only granddaughter in our family.”
“......”
The anxiety that had ruled me vanished without a trace.
It crumbled into dust and scattered.
My heart rate returned to normal.
Yet no words came out.
I couldn't speak.
“We're sorry for giving a young child a burden she couldn't carry. We heard how much pain you've been in all this time. Living right beside you and never noticing—we're sorry for that too. When I think of the pressure you've been under...... I truly feel I've lived my life in vain.”
“......”
I was the one who only hurt her.
I was the one who treated her coldly.
I...... I—!
“Whatever the result of this practice exam turned out to be, we intended to praise you, encourage you, and comfort you.”
“Ah......”
I had hurt Jo-hwa deeply.
Because of my own pathetic misunderstanding, a friend who had nothing to do with it had been wounded.
“From now on, throw away the pressure and live freely. No—I hope you will live that way. No matter what your grades are, we will keep loving you.”
“Yes!”
It had all been my own delusion.
At a young age I had felt compulsion born of misunderstanding and prejudice, and that was how everything had looked to me.
Adults always place expectations on children.
Adults only give great love when a child's grades are high.
Adults always expect things of children, and children must live up to those expectations.
That was what I had believed.
But it wasn't true.
Pathetically, it had been nothing but my own fantasy, and I was terribly ashamed.
What face should I show Jo-hwa?
Would she accept my apology?
What should I do from now on?
Would she still think of me as a friend?
And so on.
Countless questions poured out, yet once again I had no answers.
No. Don't think like that. First apologize and beg. If Jo-hwa refuses to accept my apology—then I'll simply start over from the beginning.
I don't want to lose Jo-hwa!
Because—
—Jo-hwa is the person who saved my life, and my irreplaceable friend.