Things Only Visible When Faced
There are things that only become visible when you face them.
"Sorry. Did I maybe upset you......?"
I pondered what to say in response to her careful apology.
It wasn't that I was particularly upset. But there was no reason to welcome her warmly either.
"It's not because of you."
"That's a relief. I thought my question had put you in a bad mood."
"Not really."
"Then can you answer me now?"
Jin Jo-hwa's eyes sparkled as she waited for my reply, looking just like a little kid. She seemed to be expecting some special answer. But whether in the past or the present, there was no grand reason or story behind me staring out the window.
"Is there something special out there?"
Jin Jo-hwa's follow-up question felt like she was pressing for an answer. I opened my mouth while tracking the fluffy white clouds drifting by with my eyes.
"There's nothing special. It's the same scenery every day. So I find a sense of stability and peace in that unchanging view."
"What does that mean?"
To understand the meaning behind my words, she would have to know me well. What kind of person I am. What I went through in the past. How I've lived. She would need to know all of that to grasp what I meant. But Jin Jo-hwa knew nothing about me. Of course not. We weren't strangers, but we weren't friends either—just some awkward in-between. Not that I particularly wanted her to know.
"The biggest problem with you is that you don't seem like a kid at all. I can't understand what you're saying. It's like listening to a grandpa or grandma talk."
I could have thrown out the proverb about the pot calling the kettle black right then, but I held my tongue. Even if this was a dream, my current body was sick and hospitalized. I wanted to avoid wasting energy as much as possible.
"Are you feeling okay?"
"If I look okay, then I am."
As a child, my digestive system had been weak. So I tried to avoid spicy or stimulating foods, but that was easier said than done. On top of that, it was the start of the hot season, and my busy mom couldn't keep up with the housework properly. In the end, a combination of reasons led me to come down with enteritis while I was in the third grade of elementary school. That time was right now. Looking back carefully now, it seemed like all the bad luck had piled up thickly when I was young.
Apparently dissatisfied with my half-hearted answer, Jin Jo-hwa stuck out her lips and smacked me hard on the back. A sharp Smack! rang out, and pain flooded in.
"That hurts."
My voice didn't carry much emotion, so it might have seemed like it didn't hurt, but it hurt like hell. Her hands were small and soft—how could they pack such a punch? Even now, the feel of Jin Jo-hwa's slap seemed to linger in a corner of my memory. It wasn't a memory I particularly wanted to recall, but the pain was so realistic I had no choice.
This is a dream—why does it hurt so much?
Is this even allowed in a dream?
"Someone goes out of their way to visit you in the hospital, and that's what you say? That's way too half-hearted. What you said just now deserved that hit."
Jin Jo-hwa scrunched up her face and launched into a lecture, but contrary to her words, she looked like she was enjoying herself. You could tell by looking at her eyes. Up until now, I'd learned and guessed countless things by watching people's eyes. Jin Jo-hwa was having fun. She just didn't express it easily on the outside. Whether she enjoyed hitting people or felt joy from talking with me—probably the latter. Jin Jo-hwa wasn't a sadist, after all.
Getting smacked for giving a half-hearted answer left me feeling wronged and a little angry. Back then, I'd also been pretty emotionless toward the people around me. Because I hadn't mixed with anyone, it was impossible to feel dynamic, large emotions—but it was different now. Just looking at Jin Jo-hwa made my emotions explode, for example. Not just the current me, but the me of that time felt the same emotions. This situation was still before we'd gotten close. That was why my words carried no emotion and came out curt. Even looking at it now, it was a situation I could fully understand.
"I never asked you to come visit me."
"Wow. I expected it, but you really say things like that. You know, if you talk like that, you won't make a single friend?"
"I don't need friends."
Had those words from my past self been sincere? Even thinking about it as my more mature current self, I wasn't sure.
"You really don't seem like a kid, huh?"
"I'll throw that right back at you."
"I'm saying we should hang out as birds of a feather, so why do you keep being so contrary?"
She was looking at me with a face that said she couldn't understand. Well, I can't understand you either. I was trying to keep my distance because I thought I didn't need friends, so why did you keep approaching? I still couldn't understand it. If I asked the current Jin Jo-hwa......, would I get an answer?
"I don't like it because I don't like it."
"You seem way too stubborn."
Jin Jo-hwa casually perched on the edge of the bed, making me wonder if I should put more distance between us. If someone saw us looking out the window together—me half-reclined and her sitting—we'd look like friends, right? I couldn't deny that either. Yeah. Right now, we probably looked like friends.
"......"
"......"
We just kept silent and stared out the window. Then a gentle breeze started to blow.
"Where's your mom?"
I answered Jin Jo-hwa's sudden question casually.
"She can't come because of work."
"......Doesn't it get lonely staring out the window by yourself?"
I thought about what answer would make her leave, but soon dropped the idea. No matter what answer I gave, she wouldn't leave. So there was no need to rack my brains over it. I just had to tell her my true feelings.
"I don't feel that kind of thing."
"Then I'll come visit you every day until you're discharged."
She turned her head to look at me, her face bright with a wide smile. And it was very different from the unnatural, pretentious look she wore in the classroom. Not that the pretense was completely gone.
"I told you I don't feel loneliness or anything like that."
"I can't hear you~."
"......"
Can't hear, my ass. I said it right next to you—there's no way you couldn't hear.
She was definitely doing it on purpose.
"Why are you so obsessed with me?"
I was too lazy to beat around the bush, so I asked directly. Jin Jo-hwa spoke without erasing her bright smile.
"I told you last time, right?"
"Is that really the only reason?"
"Yeah. Why?"
Other people would think it was only natural to give her attention and love, and that was their pride and belief. But of all people, my indifference had put a crack in that pride and belief. I thought it didn't matter what other people said, what they thought, or what interest they took in me. It was a time when I was indifferent to those around me. No. Back then, I wished other people would just turn off all the attention they directed at me. That was why the past me and Jin Jo-hwa were polar opposites. Even so, Jin Jo-hwa kept trying to approach. So I, in turn, widened the distance. Jin Jo-hwa, to restore her cracked pride and belief while also satisfying the interest and curiosity she felt toward me. Me, to act according to the beliefs built on my own thoughts.
"It's nothing."
"Don't you have a dad, or brothers or sisters?"
"I have one older sister, and no dad."
"Huh......?"
"I said I don't have a dad."
"............"
My matter-of-fact answer left Jin Jo-hwa flustered about what to say.
"Ah. Um......, sorry. For asking something unnecessary......"
"It's fine. I'm not bothered at all."
If the current me was saying it, it would be true. But the words from my past self had been a lie. The reason I, as a person, had changed was the shock from my parents' divorce. The past me had been an in-between person. Neither this nor that—an in-between person who didn't even know himself.
Hahaha. Being an in-between person who doesn't even know himself isn't all that different between past and present. Did only my body grow, and nothing else......?
Damn it!
See?
I still don't know.
It's about myself, and I have no idea at all!
I didn't even know much about myself, yet I had to face other people, face Jin Jo-hwa. I resented Yoon Narae for giving me such a difficult assignment.
"......"
"......"
Because of the heavy atmosphere, Jin Jo-hwa didn't speak easily.
"......"
"......"
Silence settled between us once more. As the silence stretched on, I glanced at Jin Jo-hwa. She had her head down, thinking about something. Was she thinking of another topic of conversation, or drafting an apology? I didn't know. If she had something to say, she'd speak first. What good would it do me to wonder what Jin Jo-hwa was thinking? Just enjoy the peaceful view outside the window.
Just as I turned my gaze back to the window, a short question reached me.
"Are you okay?"
"About what."
"You're really sick, right? Of course they say your condition's improved, but you're still a patient. So someone should be there to take care of you."
"I'm fine. Mom's working for me and my sister. And both my sister and I know very well how hard Mom has it. Honestly, even if Mom came to take care of me, I'd probably feel uncomfortable. Besides, my sister comes every day, so it's fine."
"......"
Jin Jo-hwa fell silent again. When I turned my gaze sideways, I could see her frowning as she looked at me. Her eyes held many things, but the emotion of doubt stood out the most. What about me was she doubting?
"Do you know what meaning your words just now carried?"
"?"
"What I'm about to say is just my subjective view and feeling. But I hope you'll listen carefully and think it over."
What on earth was she trying to say?
"Jo Yul!"
Putting force into her voice as she called my name, Jin Jo-hwa's atmosphere grew even more serious.
"......What?"
"The face I just saw on you looked like you were forcibly holding a lot of things back."
"So. What's the problem?"
At my retort, Jin Jo-hwa furrowed her brow even more.
"Do you not understand what my words mean?"
"Yeah. That's why I'm asking."
To put it more precisely, it wasn't that I didn't know what Jin Jo-hwa was thinking. Too many things were visible, so I just didn't know which one to address. Whether she knew my dilemma or not, Jin Jo-hwa got down from the bed she'd been sitting on and stood in front of me as she spoke.
"You and I are nothing more than kids. Of course there are sides of us that don't look childish, but we can act spoiled toward adults, be stubborn, cry and laugh and chatter and show all kinds of emotions. It's okay. Of course I know that kind of talk and behavior can be a nuisance to someone. But we're kids. It's okay. You don't have to force yourself to hold it in. A nuisance? So what? You're not an adult! If it's hard to hold back, you can cry! If you want to act spoiled, just act spoiled! You're not an adult, are you?"
So that was what she wanted to say after all that. I couldn't remember what the content of Jin Jo-hwa's lecture had been, so I couldn't think about it in advance. But I remembered what I had answered after her long lecture. What was I supposed to answer? Was the same answer as in the past the right one? Or was answering with exactly what the current me felt the right one? The deliberation didn't last as long as I expected.
"I know."
"No. You don't."
As expected of the great Jin Jo-hwa. She was really something.
"You don't know yourself at all, and you're suppressing yourself!"
How long had we known each other for her to say something like that? Why was she taking such an interest in me and saying those things? Because she was interested in me? No. That reason alone wouldn't make her go that far. Then to restore her pride and belief? That wasn't it either. If anything, that was even less likely to be the reason. I couldn't figure out why she had crossed the line.
"Who are you to say that to me? Why?"
It felt like I might gain something, so I asked as if entranced.
"Your match, a girl who wants to be friends with you, a friend who feels great interest in you, a friend who wants to receive your attention and your love."
"......"
Quite a lot of them. It wasn't an answer that made me feel bad. But it wasn't one that particularly made me feel good either. There was something the past me couldn't understand.
'A friend who wants to receive your attention and your love'
The current me caught on right away, but the past me couldn't grasp the reason for those words. Jin Jo-hwa was a monster who couldn't properly live without other people's attention and love. All the other people she'd met so far had given her attention and love, but I had been indifferent to her. That made me a special person to Jin Jo-hwa. And she wanted to obtain special attention and love from that special me. I wondered if she had wanted to know what difference there was between ordinary attention and love and special attention and love.
"Friends, huh......"
When I put a word that didn't suit me into my mouth, Jin Jo-hwa continued.
"Yeah. Friends. I want to be friends with you. And if there's one more reason—"
"?"
"—well, it's because you looked pitiful. You could call it the common sense of pity."
Crossing the line with words or actions toward a stranger with no connection required a deep reason or a complex one. You could see that from the reasons Jin Jo-hwa approached me. There were complex reasons, and some fairly deep ones too. That was probably why she had been able to approach me. I was special, and Jin Jo-hwa was special too, so maybe that was why I had bent my own beliefs and taken her hand.
"You have no sense of shame."
"Why should I be embarrassed?"
Judging by how her facial expression didn't change at all, she really wasn't embarrassed in the slightest. It was amazing that she could say something that sounded like it came out of a comic so casually.
Isn't that embarrassing?