Chris, That Name
Chris. That name. Once, I had believed it. If Belberman had lived, everything would have unfolded exactly as we wished. If only I could have kept him safe, we never would have scattered to the winds like this. For a long time, that was what I told myself.
So I kept blaming Belberman for my own failure to save Felt when she was drowning in confusion, using him as an excuse to run from responsibility. Felt had been like that ever since she returned from that place. Whenever she drank, she would cling to me, sobbing that she wanted to go back with me, that she wanted to stay with me forever no matter what I looked like, man or woman. She would beg me never to leave her again, tears pouring down her face.
Yet the moment she woke from those nightmares that seemed to knock her unconscious, when dawn broke and the alcohol left her system, she would turn cold again, pushing me away with a frigid voice. That was the state Felt was in. A massive trauma had left her unable to speak her true feelings unless she let go of her sanity. Even so, that fierce longing to return refused to fade, leaving her in constant turmoil.
Because of that, I stayed by her side and tried everything I could to free her true heart. More than anything, I wanted to spend ordinary days with her again. I wanted to see her smile brightly once more. I was the kind of person who had been born for that, and my life had been saved by her. So I did my best to keep her from sinking any deeper into darkness.
But when the situation refused to change no matter what I did, when exhaustion finally began to drain me, I knew it was because of my own lack of ability. That was why I could only blame Belberman. If Belberman had been here, if the one who survived had been him instead of me…
Yet in the midst of that weary prayer, Belberman really did return. Right in front of Felt, he proved he was Belberman and declared the hunting party’s return. In the blink of an eye, a miracle had occurred.
I still couldn’t feel the reality of it. The small, girl-like woman standing before me—was she truly Belberman? Was she the same man who had taken me to the hunting party that day, the warrior who had stood at the forefront of the heroes, commanding the front lines and leading every battle to victory? I couldn’t believe it. But the more time we spent together, the more I realized she really was Belberman, and that doubt had long since disappeared.
Even so, the fact that she couldn’t resolve Felt’s confusion struck me like a tremendous shock. Belberman, who had earned everyone’s trust and respect and accomplished everything accordingly, couldn’t ease Felt’s heart. That was the shock. Even in the midst of the demonic beasts’ rampage that everyone thought would bring total annihilation, he had always found a way to rise again. Yet he couldn’t heal the heart of the Felt who had longed for him so desperately.
But before long, I understood the reason. No—I had known it from the very beginning. The first reason I had been able to accept that the woman who returned was truly Belberman had already given me the answer.
It was the sight of her standing before me, looking so terribly frail as she shed thick tears the size of fingernails. From that moment, I had already grasped the truth: even the hero we all knew was no different from anyone else. No matter how much everyone acknowledged someone as a hero, they still grieved the death of someone precious. A hero couldn’t turn the sea into the sky. A hero couldn’t bring the dead back to life. A hero was not a god. We had forgotten that for so long.
Because we had stood quietly behind Belberman, who could accomplish anything without lifting a finger, hoping only that his radiance would cover the world, we had completely forgotten with our now-white hair. The moment we entrusted everything to Belberman and handed our own lives over to someone else, defeat had already been decided for us.
Only then did I begin to understand, little by little, why we had lost. No—why I had lost. We had dumped something far too vast and heavy for Belberman to bear onto his shoulders, and I, who had gone along with it, had paid the price I deserved. Simply because we were close to him, simply because Belberman was too close to us, we had unconsciously entrusted everything to him—our daily lives, our peace, our happiness, our very existence. We believed he would protect it all, and because he truly did, we forgot that those things were our own responsibilities and crumbled away.
Even if that didn’t apply to every one of us who had been defeated, at least for me, it was true. I had been crushed by that karma. In the end, I realized it. Even Belberman couldn’t turn gods into humans, nor humans into gods. And because I had forgotten that, my blind faith had destroyed Belberman and shattered the happy daily lives we once shared.
So after speaking with her, who had returned to us once more, and after sending the woman I loved down a path different from ours following my conversation with Felt, I came to understand it clearly once again. We were all just human. We hadn’t become heroes because we wanted to; we had simply done everything we could, and the title of hero had followed. In the end, we had only ever been frail, insignificant humans.
That was why I could no longer depend on Belberman. I mustn’t. In the end, Belberman was also just one human being who, just as he had protected us, deserved to be protected by us in return. I made a vow. I returned to this place—the lodging I had chosen to watch over the weakened Felt, which had now become my home. Sitting on the sofa I had grown fond of, I let all the strength drain from my body and repeated it once more in my mind. I would not let myself be defeated again by my own weakened psyche and entrust everything to the one who had returned in her body.
The sense of loss from the woman I loved was painful, of course, but I couldn’t let myself sink into that empty void. The one who had returned in her body was still here, breathing properly. She had laid everything bare to me, and I had sworn to trust her completely once more. So—
“Siphel… I’ll find a way to deal with that.”
I would do my best to seize this second chance I had been given. Not the weak version of myself who left everything to fate as it flowed. As Chris—the name of the man who would protect everything he loved—I would protect what had been entrusted to me once more. And I would stand firmly by the side of the savior who had returned to me.
Honestly, I still couldn’t say for certain whether the ideal she sought was truly the right path. But there was one thing I could be sure of now. The single conviction I had gained after breaking free from dependence and reclaiming trust was this:
“…Don’t push yourself too hard, Chris.”
Right now, the new ideal she pursued shone more brilliantly than anything I had ever seen in my life. Even if it meant joining hands with the demons we had spent our entire lives treating as mortal enemies. Even if it meant facing the demons we had glared at with such fury and cut down without mercy. If it was something I would do together with Belberman, I could sacrifice this body once more. Among the many people who had once again pulled my wretched life into the light, she was one of the two standing at the very center.
I, Chris—though I could no longer be called a man, though I was now a human who could no longer protect the one I loved with my own hands—swore once more as the last descendant of the Quatro Virgina knight family. Even though the name I had abandoned before walking the gambler’s path was one I had cast away, I would swear upon it once more. A knight who had once received orders, even from a fallen house, must uphold chivalry for eternity. I, Chris Quatro Virgina, accept my lord’s command and march once more. Even if it is a path that must bring change to the world, if I am with my lord, I will gladly take that step.
Thud———
Thus, I had once again reclaimed the foundation I needed to step forward into this world. By reclaiming the name I had once discarded of my own will, I had brought back something I wanted to protect so badly that I was willing to go that far. Now I understood that I had no choice but to do so. This time, even if it meant going that far, I wanted to place victory in these hands—victory in her hands. So I gripped that foundation tightly once more and prepared to move forward.
That was why I set aside the vague emptiness and sorrow for a moment. Even though the woman I loved had shown such confusion at Belberman’s return and kept her distance from us, even though following her had left me feeling as though my heart would stop from the pain, in the end she, too, had longed for the miracle of Belberman’s return just as much as I had. Now that Belberman had truly returned, she no longer needed to push herself to such extremes. I set aside the sense of loss, betrayal, and self-reproach toward her and allowed myself a small measure of relief. Yet because I had already sworn to protect the woman I loved, I reminded myself once more that the vow to protect her to the end would never change.
Stepping outside, I faced the cold wind and looked toward where Felt lived. I squeezed my eyes shut against the dampness beginning to gather there. Old memories I had lost surfaced, and after taking a deep breath and letting it out, I calmed my heart. The fact that there were people who needed me blew away the painful memories.
“……”
So this time—no, with the changed self I had become—I would dedicate myself to the future of change. Once more, I opened my eyes, now beginning to fill with brilliant light.
“…Let’s go.”
To Siphel. To find the one we needed most now, when we had nothing left. She who had been nothing more than a coward until recently had ultimately been the first to break free of her shell and leap out of the cage. I would find her.