I Am Belberman, But We Are Still Us
“Belberman.”
She was staring straight through me. For some reason, I felt my sense of self as Karia growing softer than it should, my resolve and determination wavering. Seeing Chris’s changed appearance, watching her struggle, I realized with painful clarity that the emotions and decisions I had reached were somehow distorted. I finally understood what question she was asking, what she truly wanted from me. What she said contradicted her own heart, yet she had begun to speak anyway.
“What will you do?”
Chris was asking about my will. She was offering me a chance.
“……”
All this time, I had felt a sense of duty. The burden of possessing knowledge even the Demon King did not know. The responsibility to set everything right with that knowledge. The mission to gather it all and lead everyone toward an ideal world. That mission had driven my heart and given me resolve. But… yes. There had been a flaw. My resolve and the decision I made afterward had come into conflict.
After obtaining that information, I resolved to draw everyone into my ideal world. Yet the decision I reached upon returning to this world was ultimately one meant only to comfort my own heart. Even though the path ahead might demand everything I possessed and more, I had chosen to leave everyone behind out of fear—the fear of losing someone precious. What kind of foolish, ignorant human would make such a choice? An ordinary person might understand it, but I was not ordinary. I had received a mission from that future existence, perhaps even shouldering the future of all life itself.
Still… I had my reasons. Reasons that forced me to make that decision. Even so, I am human. I am not the Demon King, who could charge forward with an iron mask even as comrades fell. I was merely praised as a hero for stepping forward first—a simple citizen, a foolish human who only ever wanted a modest, peaceful life. I never wanted to be a hero. I never wanted to be a savior. Yet somehow, without even time to accept what was happening, I could only watch as every event tore through my skin. Powerless. That is what it means to be human—fragile, lacking, easily broken, yet clinging to hope more desperately than any other being. And I was one of them.
I never thought I could die. No matter how prepared I claimed to be for sacrifice, I never took my life lightly. Even then, I never wanted to die. I am afraid of death. I know fear, I know pain, I know hardship, torment, and sorrow. I know all of it. That is why I endured. That is why I kept my eyes tightly shut and ignored everything. But I crossed the sea of stars. I witnessed this world’s people transformed into grotesque monsters, forcing survivors into identical forms. I saw the Demon King, realizing her own sins, abandon her world and her life for the sake of another world’s future. I saw the Transcendent reveal itself without hesitation. I felt the Demon King tear my body apart, again and again, without mercy—consciousness severed yet sensation remaining whole. I was bound and violated for months. Trapped in a lightless basement for days, I felt insects gnawing through my flesh. I have experienced sensations beyond human reason countless times. I have already lost everything.
How could anyone remain sane after all that? If anyone can, please step forward. I beg you. I desperately need that method. Even so, I want to stand tall. This is not me crying out for sympathy or validation. I simply… I simply want to know how to break through. How to resolve this without that selfish decision masked as duty. How to quiet the shock of meeting the Transcendent in a space beyond cognition. I am afraid. Truly afraid. That is why I tried to make that decision—to leave everyone behind and stand alone on the front lines. Even knowing what awaited at the end. Even knowing that total annihilation waited for me. Even knowing it betrayed my mission, broke my promise to her. I am no different. I am not inhuman. I am weak. I am nothing more than a parasite who happened to be in the right place at the right time. I just… want to say it.
“…Belberman.”
That is why Chris spoke to me. Even though what she truly wanted was different, she could sense what I was wishing for deep inside. Simply by standing beside me for a moment, simply by seeing my face after learning the truth, she understood. She felt the difference between another’s heart and Belberman’s heart. So she told me.
“……I was trapped in a research facility until recently.”
Chris began to speak. “I was someone whose fate was to die in that horrific hell, but thankfully Siphel saved me……” She told me how she had survived. “In the end, Siphel, who dragged me back to the human world, began researching ways to restore my broken body.” She told me how she had lived while I was gone. “All that time, I was suspended in the magi-tech stasis field she first developed—neither dead nor alive, just a breathing corpse…… But Siphel eventually succeeded.” She told me what Siphel had done. “Siphel saved me. Though she said the rushed technology meant it wasn’t a perfect restoration, but this kind of reconstruction instead.” She told me what kind of deal Siphel had made to save her. “But what resources did we have after crawling out of hell?” Siphel had made a deal with someone to save Chris. “To obtain research data and information to save me, Siphel tried to negotiate with Croxy, the First Magic Researcher.”
Croxy. The First Magic Researcher. Even I, who first manifested an innate spell, had met her. She was the one who found us faster than anyone the moment I awakened my magic. They had originally been a group working in the shadows to commercialize and popularize magic—the Royal Magic Research Division. Among them, Croxy was the first to organize and document magic itself. The control laws and regulations that began surfacing at the time were all excerpts from her work. If Siphel needed magical assistance, going to her would have been the most effective choice. However…… what Croxy wanted from Siphel was……
“And she wanted to turn me into a weapon.”
“What?”
Alongside treating Chris, she had wanted to transform his new body into a magi-tech weapon. “Croxy wasn’t someone who simply wanted to research magic for humanity’s prosperity.” Chris was telling me everything. “She was prepared to sacrifice anything for humanity’s peace…… and that sacrifice included me.” Everything that had happened to Chris during that time. “But Siphel never gave up on me. Even while pretending to negotiate with her, she kept trying to save me…… Truthfully, I had already given up and let myself be swept along by Croxy’s will……” I could only stare at Chris in disbelief. “Still, seeing Siphel’s determination to protect me to the very end, even someone as broken as I was managed to stand again and escape with her.”
Chris tried not to show it on her face, but her legs shook with unbearable anxiety, her fingertips trembling without end. She clutched her own hands tightly, trying to keep them still, as if trying to erase the sensations she had felt there. Hearing those words, I felt my mind go blank. My entire body seemed to freeze over like ice, my face turning deathly pale. What was I thinking? What kind of heart had I been carrying? And humanity—how far had it fallen? They had already forced Chris, who had once given everything for them, who had fought with everything we were, back into the battlefield as a weapon. Even though there had been other ways to save him. Even though they could have restored him to a normal form. They had tried to make that deal anyway. I could not accept it. Not with who I was now.
And yet……
“……Still, thanks to Siphel, I’ve gotten much better now.”
What had I been trying to do? Leaving behind all these unstable people—Chris, Siphel, everyone who survived, my old family who were still alive. While these precious people were struggling to remain whole after enduring horrific things, why had I tried to run away? How could I have been so frightened by mere possibility that I chose to flee?
“We bet everything on the possibility that you might return…… and waited like this.”
Possibility was a double-edged sword. Not only one that threatened my neck, but one that could also be turned toward the world—a true double-edged blade. Chris had not forgotten. For us, who had always gambled, possibility had been our greatest weapon. Yes. If the faint, invisible possibilities we chased had been our ideal, then we had always been willing to stake our lives to seize them. We loved each other enough that it was never a waste. For everyone’s sake, we gladly burned our hearts as fuel for our convictions.
“But while waiting for you, I nearly went mad.”
And as I looked at Chris, I thought once more. Thanks to her giving me a chance when I had been looking in the wrong direction, I turned my head from the path I had been walking and began to see elsewhere.
“Without you to show us the way forward, it really felt like wandering blind through the wilderness……” Chris said. “Still, just because you returned doesn’t mean I want to burden you with that responsibility again.” She spoke to me, who had been so broken. “If you want, you can set everything down and leave to find peace, just like before.” She spoke to me, who had been ready to cast everything aside and burn away alone. “If that’s what you want, Belberman…… I’ll follow you no matter what.”
Truthfully, what Chris had wanted was the opposite. I already knew from Yuda’s sacrifice that the Chris I remembered and the Chris before me now were different. Yet the emotion in her eyes was clearly the opposite of what she was saying. I listened to her words for a moment—the question she posed toward the future—and turned my head slightly, gazing at the distant floor.
Swish——
Then I saw an insect. A flying insect with torn wings, unable to fly, lay flipped on its back, struggling to move. Soon it righted itself and began crawling toward a high place. Even as its broken body kept falling, it never stopped, continuing to climb the wall. That sight—the way it tried to ascend toward a high place filled with intense energy and bright light……
“……”
My own life overlapped with that single insect’s desperate struggle. A life without wings. A life without hope. My own frantic efforts overlapped with that one insect.
“……I was captured by the Demon King and spent days more horrific than anything imaginable.”
Looking at it, I slowly began to speak. “After being isolated like that, I was dragged to the Demon King, had my body reconstructed, and was forced to become her servant.” Everything I had experienced during that time. “Trapped in that castle for so long, enduring such terrible days…… I wonder if I changed.” And my views on the demon race. “I became able to talk with them.” What I thought of the demons now. “And as I tried to get along with them, I ended up reaching the Demon King’s true heart.” I could see Chris’s expression growing strange, but I paid it no mind. “That wasn’t all. By winning their hearts, I even made contact with an unbelievable existence beneath the castle.” Without caring, as if we were simply chatting over drinks like we used to, I spoke comfortably. Though my heart was anything but at ease. Now, I felt as though I finally knew where I needed to go, what path I needed to walk.
“Unintentionally, I came to know this world’s unpleasant secrets.” When I glanced at Chris’s face again, she seemed to have resigned herself. As if Belberman had always been this kind of person, as if I had always caused such extraordinary events, she looked ready to believe me. So I spoke with more confidence. “And that…… became the reason I returned here, even after believing I had lost all of you.” Recalling what Chris had just told me. “Earlier, you told me it was okay to stop now, right?” I countered her question with one of my own. “Chris, I learned far too much in that place.” My heart. My answer. What Chris had been hoping for, I put into words. “I realized that war and execution aren’t the answer. I realized that hatred cannot be a means.” I spoke seriously, finally tearing my gaze away from the insect that had climbed the entire wall and reached the light. Even though it was not the sun radiating energy, but merely a bright lamp. Still, I looked away from the insect that had reached the light it desired and met her eyes once more—the one who had waited for my return, who had wished for my peace. “Chris…… you clearly told me to set everything down and leave for the sake of my own happiness.” I confirmed her words once more, then spoke my own will. The conviction that had not changed even after everything. “But to me, happiness was nothing more than the time I spent with all of you——” I reached my conclusion like tying a final knot. “Even if I cannot reclaim that happiness, even at the very end, so that those happy memories never fade……” For a moment, shameful memories surfaced and I looked away from Chris. “So that I am never ashamed before all of you who made me happy……” Yet I met her eyes bravely once more. “Until this body expends its last strength, even if it breaks apart—— I will continue pursuing my ideal.” My answer. Once more, I lifted my head and looked up at the collapsing sky. “Even if, in this body, I can no longer be Belberman.” I looked at my palm for a moment, clenching and unclenching it. But what mattered was not whether I was Belberman or Karia, Hite Wilhelmman or anything else. Identity was not important. “Still, I will save everyone…… and I have a plan to do so.” What truly mattered was how desperately I could cling to that ideal. How much I was willing to sacrifice. That was my courage. The answer had been close all along. The means to save this heart that seemed ready to collapse at any moment had been right there. The face the Demon King always showed me—like wearing an iron mask. Her ruthless heart and decisiveness. Her thorough, meticulous planning. The emotions and ideals she kept strictly separated, supporting all of it. That was the answer. The moment emotions mixed with ideals, the heart collapsed and humans crumbled. That was true not only for humans, but for any being with emotion and reason. The Demon King had lived long enough to understand that better than anyone. That was how she could be cold when she needed to be cold, and warm when she needed to be warm. That was why I had sensed that when the end came, she—who understood everything—would ultimately win. So after witnessing that future myself, even I, who had declared I would become a sole ruler, had to become that way. However, unlike her in that era of slaughter, I would carry warmth and compassion. I would not forget that I was human. I would never lose the will to lead and protect everyone, including those precious to me. Not only those dear to me, but all beings who possessed warmth—I would not forget that resolve as I moved forward.
“Chris.”
So I grasped that heart, now shining brilliantly once more, in my palm and placed my hand on her shoulder. “Can you…… believe in me again?” This was not the light resolve I had once made alone in an isolated room. This was a decision that would draw someone to my side, a choice I would have to take responsibility for. But now, I was ready. Ready to take responsibility. Ready to accept everything. Even if I lost someone again, it would surely hurt, but I could say with certainty that I would not break. So I called Chris. I spoke to her. Could she believe in me like this? I had already disappointed all of you countless times, and the conclusion I reached in the end was nothing more than that cliché, futile ideal of everyone’s peace. Even so, could you believe in this foolish me once more?
And……
“Yeah…… You’ve always been like that.”
She lowered her head slightly as if resigned, closed her eyes, then smiled. As if she had finally found something she had been desperately searching for, her face looked relieved. Smiling, she looked at me again. “You know, Belberman.” Gently removing my hand from her shoulder, she spoke. “Yeah, you’re right…… You probably can’t go back to being the old Belberman.” Slowly rising from the sofa, she faced me. This time, it was her hand that rested on my shoulder. Swish—— “But I…… just like you’ve always been, I’ll always be the same.” I looked up at her. She looked down at me. “I’ll stay by your side until the very end.” Yet her eyes held pure reverence for me. Respect for the one who had refused to abandon everything even in that hell. “……Belberman.” In the end, she called me Belberman. She could have waited to learn my other name, could have asked later, but she chose to acknowledge me as Belberman. For a moment, I closed my eyes and lowered my head. My throat trembled slightly, and I could not say thank you. Even after all this time, I still hated showing tears in front of my comrades. I was the one who had to embrace and carry everything. If I showed weakness before them, who could move forward with peace of mind? With that single thought, I had sworn I would never cry or sob in front of them. Yet……
Swish——
Chris grabbed both my cheeks and forced me to look up. Staring at my startled face, she chuckled softly. “Cry, you idiot.” A single tear fell onto that smile. Two tears. The hot tears that began pouring down that smile. And…… “You can cry now, you bastard……” Chris began wiping the tears falling onto my dazed face with her thumb. “If you don’t cry in front of me, where else are you supposed to cry……?” Even so, she declared that she would be the one to support me. That she would support me, who had to once again become the pillar everyone relied on. “I’ve made up my mind…… The moment you returned and showed me your conviction was still the same, I decided……” Chris stood there, pulling my seated face into her embrace as she spoke. “I’m the same as you…… All of you were my happiness……” She mentioned her own conflict indirectly. “In my life, where nothing from the past was ever radiant, the only light was our hunting party…… My happiness could only exist if everyone’s happiness existed too.” She pulled my crying face tightly against her and began patting my back. “I thought the same way as you, always learned so much from you, always relied on you……” She spoke about herself. “After surviving and gaining freedom, I kept chasing a happiness bound by heroism, unable to reach any proper conclusion…… So I was in so much pain……” She spoke about the conflict she had been struggling with until now. “But now, facing your conviction again, I’ve truly understood.” And now, she opened her grown heart without hesitation. “Being together with everyone, just like you—that is my free happiness.” She wanted to stay with me until the end. “This isn’t a happiness bound by heroism. This is the true…… the only happiness that I, Chris, desire.” With a heart now clearly defined. “So, Belberman.” She declared to me here. “When it’s hard, lean on me.” Chris held my crying self. “Even on the day you finally collapse like that, I’ll follow you to the very end.” I…… unlike before, truly softened by Chris’s appearance, slowly reached toward her waist and pulled her into a tight embrace. “I won’t…… break……!” Little by little. Little by little. I loosened the body and heart that had hardened with responsibility and duty. “I won’t break……!!” Sobbing uncontrollably. Sniffling desperately. Showing my vulnerable self without any reservation. Just as she had shown me her grown self without any pretense, I showed her every part of myself she had wished to see. She accepted me like that. Chris, who had always pretended to be strong like me and hidden her own weakness, had wished that I would not destroy myself and collapse. We had always shared the same heart. We had always wanted to protect the same people. So I accepted her changed self. She accepted my changed self. In the end, we could never return to the happy days of the Composite Hunting Party. Even if we were no longer the Composite Hunting Party. Even if we could never all gather again. We were happy simply by being together. Simply by wanting to be with each other, we were satisfied. Like that, I returned home. Chris was the first to see me off and welcome me back. Now, I had made a firm decision. The dream I would achieve here. The one dream I would absolutely, without fail, make come true. I would find my comrades once more. No matter where they were. No matter where they had fallen asleep. I would find them all. And once more, I would hold their hands, become family again, and achieve it together. My ideal. A bright future. Even if the person themselves did not wish it, I would gladly let them go. But I would never forget my desire to be with them. I would never forget the time we spent together. Even if we were apart, we were one. We were the Composite Hunting Party. We were heroes. So…… “Uwaaaaaah……!!” Embraced in her arms, I exploded with all the pent-up frustration I had accumulated, and made one more new decision. I must become Belberman. To move forward once more, I must become Karia Belberman—who is both Belberman and not.