The Difference (Reality)

"It's all right, kids. Just get ready for the next one. You worked hard."

"Hey, Eunha. Why do you look so crushed? You'll do better next time. Next time."

"You want to give your vacation back? Eunha, resting properly when it's time to rest is part of being a pro. Take a good long break."

Lay off the bad-faith hate. What did I even throw?

I already gave the vacation back and practiced. I was already putting in more practice than anyone else on the team.

Then go ahead and slot in another entry. Who else could do it as well as I did?

"Even I—"

"What are you spacing out for?"

"Ah."

A man's voice, calling me, dragged me up out of it. The voice belonged to Spax, Kim Seungtaek—captain and primary shot-caller of the team I had belonged to for four years.

"This whole thing is for you. Walk around a little. Let them see your face."

Right. That was what this was.

When I got a hold of myself and looked around, it was the retirement ceremony KZ had thrown for me after three years as a starter.

"...Yeah."

"Hey. ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Choi Eunha."

The man who said my name had been my closest friend since middle school, a teammate for four years on the same roster, and still I couldn't meet his eyes. I had to keep my head down. I was the one who had broken the promise we made together, the loser who had run from the goal we'd sworn to chase.

"Lift your head. Nobody here is going to give you grief over retiring."

"But..."

"But nothing. There isn't a person in this room who doesn't know how hard you worked. Everyone knows you had it worse than any of us."

So.

"So on a day like this, keep your head up and stand like you mean it. Keep looking like that and people are gonna think you got cut."

Words meant to comfort me. That I wasn't guilty. That the whole team knew how hard I had tried.

"..."

Only after I heard them could I finally look him in the eye.

He was smiling, the one I had forced myself to face. Unlike me.

"You're... really okay?"

I wanted to know if he truly wasn't bothered.

"Three years. That's how long we spent as pros. And we failed three times."

That promise, that goal—winning a world championship together. Whether the dream of becoming the best in the world was still unchanged, even after failure stacked on failure.

"You think I'm okay? I still bolt upright in my sleep if I so much as think about that semifinal."

Kim Seungtaek shook his head, as if the day had come back to him. He cleared his throat with a rough cough and went on.

"Even so, it's not over yet, is it? I still believe I can do better."

"It's not over yet..."

That was not something I should say to him. Not now. It could sound like a curse. It could sound like mockery.

"And if you can't? Five years, six—if you still haven't done it by the time you retire?"

I said it anyway. Someone so different from me—what was he thinking? I wanted to know badly enough to ask.

"If I can't?"

I thought he would get angry, or that his face would harden at least. He took it more easily than I'd expected. If anything, he looked puzzled that I would say it at all.

"Then..."

I still couldn't understand what he said to me then.

"What?"

"It just is what it is. Come on, let's go. Everyone's waiting."

"Hah. Fine."

"Before that—hey, mind if I ask you one thing?"

Kim Seungtaek always kept that bright front up. Seeing a serious look on him that didn't fit, I answered already tense for no good reason, wondering what he was about to say.

"...What is it?"

"This is just something I wanted to ask..."

My best friend, wearing that uncharacteristic seriousness, said it.

"You really don't have any regrets? None at all?"

None at all.

"I'm going to quit. Acting."

At Mother's announcement that she was retiring, everyone except her startled.

Of course they did. She had been sincere enough about the work to return to the industry once time had passed after having me and Eunseo.

"What are you saying? You're quitting?"

"I mean I'm retiring from entertainment. This has only been discussed with the agency so far, so don't go telling anyone, all right?"

"No, that's not what I—"

Even Father, cold-blooded as he was, couldn't hide how shaken he was this time. Her life's goal had been to break into Hollywood and become an actress known around the world. Hearing her give that dream up so matter-of-factly was the last thing any of us could have seen coming.

"Honestly, I've been far too neglectful of you and the children all this time."

The sight felt like me, declaring a sudden retirement in the losers' interview after the LOCK//IN semifinal.

"From now on, I want to spend the life I have left with my family."

And yet it felt somehow different from me.

Unlike me, sunk in disillusion and regretting the years I had chased a dream, Mother looked thoroughly relieved.

"You..."

"I thought about it for a long time before I decided."

Mother was smiling.

So unlike me, back then.

After a family dinner out, the first in a long while, we came home. Time passed until it was time for bed. I said goodnight to the adults, returned to my room, and lay down on the bed.

Even now, the moment I closed my eyes, those three years as a pro came back. They were still memories I wanted to forget. Memories I wished had never existed. No—they had actually become things that never happened, so what I wanted had come true, in its way.

Mother, smiling brightly, looking forward to what came next. I couldn't begin to imagine that as the face of someone who had lost the goal of a lifetime.

How had she been able to give a dream up and look that unburdened? What difference was there between Mother and me?

"...Haa."

The old days kept surfacing, so unlike me. Clearly I wasn't going to fall asleep anytime soon. On an ordinary night I would have called Nebula and run some duo queue, but he had flipped his days and nights to manage his condition. I had to manage ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠mine as well, so I decided I would take a single mouthful of water in the kitchen and lie back down.

And in that kitchen, I ran into Mother.

"Ah."

"Oh my, you weren't asleep yet?"

She was carrying a tray: a bottle of wine, two glasses, and cheese, biscuits, and fruit.

"I couldn't sleep. What about you, Mom?"

Instead of answering, she lifted the tray a little and set it back down. Two glasses—so it was for drinking with Father. Well, those two could hardly live without each other, and they had only just found one another again after so long. They were due a chance to unburden themselves. I wasn't careless enough to intrude on their time, so I meant to say goodnight once more and go back up to my room.

"I'll head up, then. Good night."

That was the plan.

"Eunha."

If Mother hadn't called me to a stop.

"Is something worrying you?"

"Ah, no?"

"You've been sullen ever since the restaurant."

"..."

"If something's on your mind, let it out. No—would you let it out for me? Coming this late to play at being your mother might look ridiculous from where you stand, but..."

"No! It's not that!"

I had never, not for a second, thought it was ridiculous. She was my precious mother. However many years we had spent apart, that fact did not change. The only reason I couldn't easily let it out was that the worry itself might hurt her.

"Really? Whew... that's a relief, then."

She let out a shallow sigh, as if one weight had lifted.

"Then won't you tell me? That worry that's tormenting our daughter right now."

"It's..."

In those few short seconds I wavered dozens of times, and in the end I asked her.

"Your dream... it was to become an actress recognized all over the world, wasn't it?"

Break into Hollywood. An actress acknowledged across the whole world. That had been ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the goal she chased her entire life, the dream.

"Yes. It was."

Bringing that dream up again now, after she had given it up, might wound her. She might only be pretending to be calm on the surface, pretending it was nothing, and for my mother the actress that would have been all too easy.

"But retiring means... you didn't achieve that dream, did you?"

And still, I wanted to know. I had given up on a dream too. Why were Mother and I this different?

"Then do you regret the years you spent as an actress? That they were a waste of time... wasted effort... Do you feel that way?"

But her answer left what I had expected completely behind.

"Mm... I do regret it, a little."

"...What?"

"I should have given up the acting and made more memories with our Eunha. That's what Mom regrets the most."

She laughed, soft and low, and went on.

"Eunha, a dream doesn't have to be the destination."

A dream you would spend a whole life walking toward. A goal.

"What matters more are the things you gain while you move toward it. Well—at least, that's how Mom sees it."

If she had never become an actress, if she had given that dream up from the start—

"If I hadn't been able to become an actress, I never would have met your father, and I never would ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠have met you or Eunseo either. Ugh... just imagining it is frightening. I hate it!"

The things you gain, walking toward a dream. Friends? Money? A career? Honor? For me... they were already gone. Everything I had gained while walking toward the dream of becoming the best in the world—this was after all of it had vanished.

"Do you understand what Mom is saying?"

"I don't really."

Having already lost all of it, I couldn't understand her.

"Heh. You'll understand when the time comes. Go on to sleep now. Keeping late hours isn't good at your age."

"...Okay."

In the end I came back to my room with nothing to show for it.

I don't know. Even now. Whether this is lingering attachment, or it isn't.

Saturday evening passed, and Sunday morning came. In the end I hadn't slept a wink that night. I had to meet the sunrise with my eyes wide open.

Ah. Right. Our coach was this guy...

Of all moments, hearing his voice after what had happened yesterday left my feelings a tangled mess.

"Ah, yes. I'm fine."

The Platform Exhibition. The Kwitch representative team's second match: KKT versus Kwitch. In the first match of day two, NPT against AFS, AFS had beaten NPT and taken first place, and for Kwitch the match they absolutely had to win if they wanted that first place back was set to be played in thirty minutes.