The Meaning of Protection (3)
The Meaning of Protection (3)
Winter carries a peculiar sentiment.
It is a season often expressed as hardship, yet within that hardship shines a hope that gleams all the brighter.
The season when the stars are most clearly visible. The sky of that time, unlike the barren earth, hangs heavy with abundant fruit.
There are things one can feel only because of the cold.
She was the same.
She felt the chill of his body, which she hadn’t felt in so long, gradually warm as it touched her own. The urge to wrap herself around those cold hands and feet came before any desire to keep away.
Han Jae-jung felt that sensation and thought quietly.
Memories are missing, but emotions are attached.
That discrepancy soon became a sense of incongruity, then the anguish of the self, then guilt.
Like snow touched and immediately melting, the tender emotion endlessly transformed into guilt.
“Jae-jung... Jae-jung... you were alive... I’m so relieved...”
Blue Sirius showed her relief by tightening the arms wrapped around Han Jae-jung’s neck. Transformed as she was, there should have been a significant strength gap compared to an ordinary person. Despite that, Blue Sirius skillfully controlled her power so as not to burden the person in her embrace.
“...Blue... Sirius...”
It was a name that didn’t sit comfortably in his mouth. The name ‘Seol-hwa’ was far easier than this. Wasn’t she someone he admired? Why did he feel such intimate emotions toward her? Had he gone mad from a parasocial romance? Even as he chastised himself, he couldn’t completely discard the hypothesis that he was Han Jae-jung.
His memories from when he had enjoyed this world as a work of fiction were faint and worn, but Han Jae-jung’s memories and emotions were gradually growing sharper. What was real and what was false?
It was a dilemma he had examined countless times since arriving in this world. As expected, there was only one way to reach an answer.
“I’m sorry. I should have pretended not to know, but I did. I’m sorry. I’m truly sorry... I can’t...”
He needed to recover his memories.
I resolved firmly, looking at Yoon Seol-hwa as she clung to me with a tearful face. Not just for myself, but for those hanging onto this body’s past, I had to find them.
To do that, there was likely no choice but to defeat monsters and gather stars, just as the Belt had said.
‘Origin...’
I would have to find the answer to that form as well. With my current power, running away was the best I could manage when facing a greater enemy.
“Seol-hwa, you’re going to strangle me to death.”
“Hm? Ah. Ah! I’m sorry, Jae-jung. You were hurt a lot, weren’t you?”
“No... not really...”
“...Formal speech.”
When I used formal speech, Blue Sirius’s eyes grew even more tearful.
“I’m not hurt.”
When I finished the sentence with informal speech, a bright smile returned. Even a quick sidelong glance was enough for her beauty to easily catch my eye.
‘This is crazy.’
Her looks before transformation had been considerable, but seeing her post-transformation appearance up close felt more like being granted an audience with a goddess than a human.
I felt a sense of self-loathing for appreciating her face even at a time like this. I had barely resolved not to get entangled with her, yet my resolve shook with a single look. I squeezed my eyes shut.
“You couldn’t keep up the act after all...”
The sound of someone clicking their tongue came from behind. An act? I meant it. I wanted to refute her immediately, but I held back. If I said something weird, it might rekindle the suspicion I’d barely managed to dismiss.
“I’ll go resume my detection. You two have a good time.”
Pink Deneb smiled warmly and rose from her seat. She seemed about to resume her role of detecting monsters. Waving her hand gently, Pink Deneb left the room, considerately giving the two of us time alone.
Thus, only two people remained in the room. One tormented by what he could not recall, the other tormented by what she could not forget. Neither of them was normal.
“...It’s been a while.”
“We haven’t seen each other since the hospital, so it hasn’t been that long.”
“Formal speech...”
“It hasn’t been that long, then.”
Blue Sirius released her embrace. They could now look at each other in detail. Her eyes were ringed with tear tracks. It was easy to guess she’d cried a lot, suffered a lot.
In contrast, Han Jae-jung’s appearance stirred pity. He looked haggard and gaunt. It was a face where hardship was all too clearly visible.
“....”
“....”
As is typical of the atmosphere between former lovers, the awkwardness in the room thickened as time passed. It was to the point where I wanted to call Pink Deneb back. Just by facing each other, the two could guess at each other’s pain.
“So... how have you been?”
It was a topic of conversation as if speaking to an awkward adolescent son.
“You can tell by looking at my face.”
“I mean, then why....”
Money was surely being deposited into the dating account every month.
’...He didn’t use it.’
Blue Sirius could immediately reach that conclusion. Because the moment he took that money, a debt would be incurred. Their ties would continue, at least materially. He had wanted a clean break, the past something he never wanted to look back on.
So he hadn’t used it.
Her gloom deepened.
“A lot just happened.”
Literally, a lot had happened. Han Jae-jung sighed as he recalled the memories of the past week, which were giving him a headache just to think about.
Blue Sirius, who had mistaken that sigh for being directed at her, flinched back.
“S-sorry! I was a nuisance, right? I’ll leave right away. I’m sorry...”
“No, that’s not it.”
“That’s not it!”
It wasn’t an invitation to leave. Blue Sirius’s expression brightened. Han Jae-jung regretted it. He should have just told her to go.
“...Jae-jung.”
Blue Sirius grabbed Han Jae-jung’s sleeve. She had wanted to hold his hand, but thinking it was too forward, stopped at his sleeve. She considered her own patience commendable.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you back then...”
Han Jae-jung wondered what she meant. Protect him? When was she talking about?
“When, when did you not protect...”
I didn’t want to ruin the serious mood, but it also felt weird not to play along.
Was it when he was getting pummeled by the media just before they broke up, or the accident he experienced this time? There were more things that came to mind than expected. If you added the parts he couldn’t remember, there might be even more.
“Ah, aah... right. So many. There’s so much I failed to protect. Right... right...”
Blue Sirius dropped her head gloomily.
“I’m saying this not to be sarcastic, but because I really don’t know...”
But I really didn’t know.
“No... I know... It’s a fitting assessment I deserve... I... sob...”
“No, I said it’s really not.”
So emotional. Han Jae-jung was flustered.
“This time... I should have protected you better... I should have prioritized your safety above all else in front of the monster...”
Blue Sirius resented her past self and regretted her actions.
She had been complacent. Drunk on rage, she had thought only of killing the enemy in front of her. While a magical girl’s duty includes repulsion, rescue must be prioritized above all else. Blue Sirius gritted her teeth.
To dare try to kill someone before her very eyes, and Han Jae-jung of all people. It was an act utterly unforgivable. Tearing apart the Scutum Monster or the Libra Monster wouldn’t be punishment enough.
Blue Sirius smiled kindly, never revealing such fury in his presence.
“...You were scared, weren’t you?”
I was scared, all right. Scared you’d discover my identity. And scared I’d die in front of you.
Han Jae-jung held back the words he wanted to say and listened to Blue Sirius.
“But from now on, I’ll make sure that never happens.”
Blue Sirius subtly moved the hand she had on his sleeve, resting it on his hand instead. Grasping it firmly, she recited words meant for reassurance.
“Jae-jung. I’m, I’m stronger than you’d think. I might be able to fight on even terms with S-rank monsters now. I grew stronger thanks to you. You know... that Big Dipper Monster that’s famous these days. I’ll never lose to a monster like that either. I’ll kill them all.”
“Uh... I see.”
Was that a death threat? Han Jae-jung swallowed dryly.
‘She doesn’t actually know everything, right?’
A chill ran down his spine at the thought.
Blue Sirius, having no way of knowing such thoughts, held his hand tight and recited her pledge over and over.
“So that you can live without worry, I’ll eradicate the monsters.”
Her figure was like a prayer offered to an object of her worship.
“No matter what happens, even if I lose my life, I will protect you alone.”
It was a heavy resolve. There was no hyperbole. It wasn’t an exaggeration. She sincerely did so resolve. If she could protect his life even by throwing away her own, that alone was enough.
“You alone...”
A sin once committed does not vanish. A wound heals, but a scar remains. He was a pitiful person, endlessly torn apart for the mere fact of having dated her. The original sin she must bear.
Therefore, whatever happened, she had to take responsibility and atone.
It might be impossible even if she spent her whole life at it. But she had to. It was Blue Sirius’s only lifeline. She herself wished for this pain.
“Don’t stake your life on it...”
“Jae-jung.”
Han Jae-jung couldn’t understand that guilt. Anyone watching would think she had tormented him and tried to kill him. Where was her fault? The sin lies with those who poured out the violence. Not with those who struggled desperately to stop it.
Why should she feel guilty? The monsters who kill people without a second thought for their own purposes, the people who follow gossip to soothe their own pathetic inferiority, the people who try to fill a trivial sense of moral superiority—they feel nothing. So why does the one who struggled and sacrificed feel guilt?
Was a life worth staking so easily? Shouldn’t every living creature do its utmost to preserve its own existence?
“I know you can’t help but be uncomfortable with me. No, I know that even talking to you like this is a nuisance. But please, just this one thing... just know this one thing.”
All magical girls are, after all, lunatics. Han Jae-jung realized that once again.
“No matter what happens, I will always remain your ally. Whatever kind of person you become, I will always be protecting you.”
What he felt in his tightly held hand was no longer a chill, but heat.
The more Han Jae-jung heard that resolve, the more a sense of responsibility grew within him. Just as she had affection for him, his pain would soon be substituted as her pain. She would grieve for someone who didn’t even have proper memories, and she would tear herself down.
If he were to die by a monster’s hand, Blue Sirius alone would fully feel that guilt. A hero is not a god. They cannot protect everyone. So why did she carry others’ deaths as entirely her own sin and fly into the sky again to protect someone else? Why did she run about today as well, burdened by guilt she had no need to feel?
Only then did Han Jae-jung realize what he had thought about just before dying at the hands of the monsters.
It hadn’t been his parents, nor his own safety.
It had been her.
Yoon Seol-hwa, he had thought only of her.
The reason he couldn’t die was her.
“I’m sorry... it might be burdensome, but just know this.”
“Yeah, I get it.”
“...Really?”
The corners of Blue Sirius’s mouth tilted up. She was filled with expectation.
“I get that you still haven’t come to your senses.”
Han Jae-jung sighed.
“Why, why are you saying it like that! Honestly, wasn’t that a little cool? Be moved!”
“Don’t force an emotion on me.”
“Could I force love on you?! Sh-should I really start forcing emotions? I might not take a single step from this spot until I hear you say you love me right now!”
“What, are you crazy.”
She was really going off the rails now. Han Jae-jung frowned as she passed off words that could have been a threat, a complaint, or a playful whine. Looking at that expression, Blue Sirius bowed her head.
“D-do you hate me that much...?”
“That’s not what I’m saying. What I want to say is just...”
In that instant, a light chimed from Blue Sirius’s gem. A dispatch signal. It meant a monster had appeared.
“Let’s talk later. You have to stay right here and not move! Got it? If you move now, your injuries will get worse.”
Blue Sirius, who had hurriedly risen from her seat, opened the window instead of the door and threw herself out. That dizzying act, reminiscent at a glance of a suicide jump. But as she flew into the sky, the perilous act was transfigured into the courage and extraordinary nature of a hero.
As he watched the empty space she left behind, Han Jae-jung let out a sigh.
Even though a dispatch signal had appeared, the Belt remained silent. It meant this body was currently too weak to handle even a single quest.
Perhaps because he had been in a daze until just moments ago. In the silent hospital room, he felt a slight loneliness. Right in front of him, on the wall, was a large TV, and the remote control was within reach with just a small movement of his hand.
A temptation began. The temptation to challenge it.
It was trauma he had to resolve anyway. He wouldn’t be directly exposed to people’s gazes; he would merely see the world through others’ eyes. The topics within were certain not to be about himself.
He steadied his breath and picked up the remote.
Click. Then, like aiming a gun, he raised it and pointed it at the TV.
“....”
The deliberation began again. His hand trembled violently. He seemed to be breaking out in a cold sweat.
[What are you doing? If you are hesitant, I recommend not watching.]
“Shut up, you bastard.”
After wrestling with the TV for several minutes, he finally succeeded in placing his finger on the power button.
The button, which sank in without any particular sense of impact, made the pitch-black screen bright.
What then appeared was a live broadcast screen. As if a large bomb had gone off somewhere, the ruins created in the middle of a city were currently being shown on the screen.
Elderly people, children, and occasionally adults were bound and huddled in a corner. Around those ruins, a semi-transparent barrier covered it, seeming to block anyone’s entry or exit.
In the center of those ruins were Libra and a single magical girl.
“...Red Vega?”
It was the girl who had counseled him about his own suicide.