King of Minnow-Bashing
King of Minnow-Bashing
League Round 28, Elche match.
It's a home game, but I'm starting on the bench.
The Europa League second leg against Roma is in three days.
Manager Marcelino opted for rotation.
He must have calculated that he could take down a relegation-zone team like Elche even without the starters.
But Villarreal's backline always defies calculation.
Next to me, Yilmaz is chewing gum and muttering to himself.
"The defense is a total mess."
Just as Yilmaz pointed out. Villarreal's defense is an automatic door again today.
The center-backs are panicking at a single clumsy counter-attack from relegation-zone Elche.
They've already allowed three shots on target in just 20 minutes of the first half.
Center-back Enzo Valente is screaming his lungs out, trying to organize the defense.
He is our team's living legend.
A Villarreal youth product, he went through Brighton and Liverpool before returning to his home club.
He was likely brought in as a playing coach/player during the rotation, but because the newly signed defenders are so disastrous, he's being overworked as a starter in every single match.
Mamadou, who plays alongside him, is a walking disaster.
This center-back, who came over from Gabon, has elite physical attributes that would make him a starter in the Premier League.
A giant over 190cm tall with speed that clocks the 100m in the 11-second range.
The problem is that he's such a blockhead, he doesn't even have the brain to control that overwhelming physicality.
His tactical understanding was particularly abysmal.
Even when Enzo pulled on his leash to keep the line, Mamadou would bolt out like a mad dog the moment he saw the ball in front of him.
Leaving the space behind him wide open like a highway was nothing to him.
"Damn it! Just hold your position!"
Enzo's scream, mixed with desperation, reaches all the way to the bench.
Mamadou just got juked by an opposing attacker's feint, caught completely out of position, and handed over the space behind him on a silver platter.
Next to me, Yilmaz spat out his gum and muttered.
"Doesn't that guy have muscles where his brain should be?"
30th minute of the first half. Mamadou rushed forward recklessly again, trying to steal the ball.
The Elche midfielder easily chipped the ball over him into the space behind.
Enzo screamed as he went in for the cover.
But his thirty-six-year-old knees were unforgiving.
It wasn't enough to keep up with the speed of the opposing attacker in his 20s.
In the end, disaster struck.
Enzo desperately stretched out his leg, but the ball grazed his toe and sucked into the corner of the goal.
[ Villarreal 0 : 1 Elche ]
The home stadium went quiet in an instant, as if cold water had been poured over it.
Soon, boos poured down.
It might be a natural reaction, considering we conceded the opening goal at home against a relegation-zone team.
The broadcast camera showed Enzo sitting there in despair, then quickly zoomed in on me sitting on the bench.
Summary of today's Villarreal defense level lololol
(GIF: Mamadou rushes out brainlessly, gets the space behind him gutted, and Enzo gasps for air while clutching his knees)
ㄴIs Mamadou that bastard a track athlete, not a football player?
ㄴLooks like he left his brain in Gabon and only brought his body lololol
ㄴLook at that elder abuse on Enzo, I feel so bad for him;;
ㄴThe state of getting eaten by a relegation-zone team at home lololol
ㄴLook at that Han-su close-up, damn. Do the broadcasters know too?
Halftime. The locker room atmosphere was literally shattered.
Instead of tapping on the tactics board, Manager Marcelino pointed at me and Yilmaz, who were sitting in the corner of the bench.
"Kim, Yilmaz. Warm up right now. You're going in at the start of the second half."
We pulled out the card we were trying to save for the Roma match too early.
I warmed up my thighs near the touchline.
Hey lolol Han-su and Yilmaz are warming up lololol
ㄴLook at their expressions... Smurfing mode already activated lololol
ㄴPlease, just smurf on them, you GOAT...
ㄴMarcelino is practically praying lolol Please, just score one goal
ㄴYou guys are going to call it stat-padding if he scores against Elche anyway, look at you all sitting there so seriously lol
ㄴThe atmosphere in the stands changed the moment Yilmaz and Han-su came out damn
The second-half whistle blew.
The Elche players had already dropped their line deep.
A blatant ten-back to protect their 1-0 lead.
Purple uniforms were packed tightly into the narrow gaps.
The gap they opened slightly while trying to align their line.
The 0.1-second blank space where the defenders exchanged glances.
Yilmaz, who had the ball in midfield, looked at me.
The moment he was about to chip the ball.
"Click."
The world froze.
The fishy smell of the grass and the roar of the crowd disappeared as if in a vacuum.
The two opposing defenders had already predicted my landing spot and turned their bodies.
But between them, the space on the right side of the defender was slightly open.
The ball's spin is to the left.
If I pretend to trap it with my chest and then push it with the tip of my foot, the ball would pass to the right of the defender and land right in front of my feet.
Click.
The world poured back in.
I moved my body exactly as I thought.
"Huh?"
I heard the defender's panicked voice.
My toe touched the ball cleanly into the space on the right.
The ball flowed into the box, and I protected it while shoulder-barging.
Four defenders surrounded me, but I just had to stop time again.
"Click."
This place is a stage to test continuous use in a real match.
"Hmm......"
The four defenders are a giant wall.
But in the frozen world, they were just statues.
The goalkeeper's center of gravity is on the left.
Considering the position and angle where I caught the ball, he was predicting a shot toward the far-post.
What if I twist my body and plant my left foot, my supporting foot, deeper than usual?
I took a deep breath and shouted "Click" again.
My brain screamed and vomited nausea, but I forced strength into my right instep.
The angle just before the defender's arm could grab my uniform.
I drew a trajectory to push the ball through that gap.
My senses became so sharp that I could feel the texture of the ball hitting my instep.
Tung!
The ball grazed between the defenders' legs and stuck into the bottom right corner of the goal.
The goalkeeper reached out, but the ball had already shaken the net.
On the scoreboard, the huge text '¡GOOOOOL!' flashed along with the team color (yellow).
"¡GOL de Villarreal! ¡Con el número 9, HAN-SU...!" (Goal for Villarreal! Number 9, HAN-SU...!)
"KIM!!"
"HAN-SU...!"
"KIM!!"
"¡¡HAN-SU...!!"
La Cerámica responded as if it were about to burst at the announcer's shout.
"KIM!!"
Three roars hit my eardrums.
I clenched my fist and thrust it into the air.
Today's King Han-su Elche smurfing scene summary.gif
(GIF: Han-su creates a path with one 'Click' touch between 4 defenders, and creates a shooting angle with an off-beat move)
Look at the Elche defenders lagging all at once just now.
This is the 'Messi' of relegation-zone teams.
The defenders can't even tackle, they just open up a path for him damn
ㄴR-real, optimized for smurfing lololol It's so funny watching four defenders kicking at the air
ㄴThat bastard Han-su is just a disaster for lower-ranked teams. How are you supposed to block that off-beat touch lol
ㄴYeah~ Relegation-zone smurfing stat-padding goal~ I'll acknowledge you if you do this against Roma too lol
Currently 9 goals, 3 assists in the league.
I've already surpassed the pace of last season's 8 league goals.
Maybe today, I can cross the threshold of 10 league goals.
Of course, my brain is on the verge of breaking down.
I shouldn't use the Click ability anymore today.
As I lifted my head, I saw Manager Marcelino's face in the distance.
He wasn't cheering.
It was the look of a technician who, while using a capable tool, is anxious because he doesn't know when that tool might explode.
The scoreboard read 1:1.
I forced strength into my legs and walked to the half-line.
The smurfing isn't over yet.
25th minute of the second half, we got a corner kick opportunity.
Yilmaz walked toward the corner flag.
I shook my head and crawled into the box.
The inside of the box was absolute chaos.
Yilmaz's cross curved in sharply.
Mamadou soared up and flattened two Elche defenders.
The ball grazed Mamadou's head and dropped right to my feet.
"Argh!"
The Elche center-back who was blocking behind me hugged my waist tight.
It was practically a back-hug.
I put strength into my butt and held my ground.
Since I bumped into him without thinking, I could feel the defender's weight completely.
The fact that his center of gravity was leaning to the left was conveyed not by my head, but by the sensation in my 'butt'.
I used his strength against him and spun around to the right.
There was no time to think.
Without any calculation, I swung my foot instinctively.
The ball deflected off the defender's foot, and before the goalkeeper could even react, it rippled the net on the other side.
Tung-!
"Waaaaaaah!"
La Cerámica flipped over once again.
"¡HAN-SU...!"
"KIM!!"
10th league goal achieved.
I'm proud that I made a goal without using Click.
Even though the opponent is a relegation-zone team.
Real-time FootScore rating update lololol
(Image: Han-su rating 8.9 vs Keichi rating 6.2 capture)
No, what the fuck, what did this bastard Keichi do today? lololol
Where did that 'tactical flexibility' and 'precise build-up' that the Japan-stans were sucking up so much go?
Keichi recorded 5 turnovers today and got subbed off early in the 60th minute lololol
ㄴThe Japan-stans were saying "Keichi is the heart of Brighton" until yesterday, but today they all died out lol
ㄴKeichi is just a pass shuttle, and Han-su is a 'closer'. The class is different.
ㄴThis goal is legendary because he scored it with pure back-to-goal play without even using 'Click' lol He broke all the Japan-stans' heads with his butt power damn
If you still suck off Keichi after seeing Han-su's goal today, just bite your tongue
Japan-stans' logic: "You shouldn't judge Keichi by stats because his team contribution is high"
Yeah, 10th goal. Yeah, 8.9 rating. Yeah, comeback win~
No, what the fuck lol Football is a game about scoring goals lol
Han-su is aiming for the La Liga top scorer rankings with his 10th league goal right now
Keichi is still at 2 goals, 3 assists for the season lololol
Isn't it disrespectful to even compare them?
ㄴFact) Keichi couldn't pull off a 'back-to-goal' turn like Han-su did today even if he lived a thousand years. His physicality is just at an elementary school level lol
ㄴ???: No, there's a difference in league level!! (While getting trashed 2-0 by Girona in the Europa League)