Too Many Thieves in All Under Heaven (10)
There were five hundred Jingzhou garrison troops. And Jang Je's army, which had lost more than half its cavalry but still retained its full infantry strength. Thud, thud. Jang Je's forces advanced once more.
Standing on the icy plain like a frozen sheet of glass, Jang Je spurred his horse forward.
"Relay this to those soldiers. If you hand over all the orphans without parents, we'll withdraw peacefully."
"What kind of bullshit is that? You're shitting out of your mouth."
A man rode forward on his horse. His face was pale, as if he might bolt at any moment. The soldiers behind him were the same.
"Haha. Why? Panicking because your brilliant scheme failed? That cool plan to repel a vastly superior foe turned to scraps of paper in an instant. Must sting."
"Shut your mouth."
"Heh heh. Worried? Afraid I'll take everything from you? Fine. For the crime of killing my comrades, I'll brew wine from your blood and offer it at their altar."
"You mad bastard. How can you be so cruel? Are you really human like me?"
"Same human? How arrogant!"
Jang Je pounded his chest and bellowed.
"I am a minister of the court! Granted office by the Emperor himself! You're just a lowly rural scholar. How dare you compare us as equals?"
"I'm asking about your atrocities!"
"Atrocities? What atrocities? Oh, you mean plundering the people of this land? Uhahaha!"
Jang Je burst into mad laughter.
"That's just logistics! I only took what was in houses abandoned by their owners! They offered it to me for the greater cause!"
"What greater cause justifies theft?"
"Loyalty to the Han imperial house!"
Jang Je stood tall and proud.
"I've saved the Emperor countless times from Li Jue and Guo Si. Now I'll settle on my land, pay taxes diligently to the Han house, and live right. Anyone hindering me is a rebel against the state!"
"You're impossible to reason with!"
"Reason? Of course not! How dare a court minister, a true general, even converse with the likes of you!"
"You... "
The man seemed at a loss for words.
"So because you're some high official, it's natural to exploit the people?"
"Exploit? The people serve the Han house and must pay taxes. That's the duty of every citizen in this land."
Jang Je thrust his spear wide, pointing everywhere.
"Look at these times. People hoard wealth instead of paying rightful taxes. Local governors and magistrates squander it like they're emperors. That's why I punish them."
"Who gave you the right to punish at will?"
"The Emperor, naturally!"
Jang Je raised his spear high toward the sky. The tip pointed heavenward, and one soldier beside him hoisted a matching military standard.
"I am a general of Han! It's my duty to subdue rebels and restore the imperial house!"
"Non-taxpayers are rebels?"
"Obviously!"
"You extort more than the legal taxes, and now you bark like dogs?"
Anger began creeping into the man's voice.
"Since when have taxes ballooned like stretched candy? You're not filling granaries—you're seizing tomorrow's rice and even bowls. Is that the law of this land? Bring the legal codes. I won't obey until I see them with my own eyes. Hell, are you even a real general appointed by the Emperor? What general in the world calls civilians rebels, slaughters them, and robs their goods?"
"Heh heh, impossible to talk to!"
"What...!!"
The man gripped his reins tightly without realizing it. The Jingzhou garrison soldiers followed suit, clutching their spears.
"To think such a man served under Dong Zhuo. How much suffering the people of Luoyang and Chang'an endured under him. Truly tragic."
"Heh heh heh. Yell all you want here—it changes nothing. I'm done dealing with a bumpkin scholar's schemes. You'll die today."
Thud, thud, thud!
"Whole army, shields up! Don't let them pull any tricks again!"
No sooner had Jang Je given the order than his troops began advancing slowly. They tested each step like crossing a rickety bridge, shields raised high against possible arrows.
"Archers forward!!"
At the man's command, bowmen nocked arrows aimed at Jang Je's army.
"Loose—!"
Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. Arrows arced through the air, raining down on Jang Je's forces. Unfortunately, on the snowy field, they were mostly blocked by shields, failing even to pierce the iron armor.
"Tch, fall back! Retreat and fire again!"
The man withdrew his troops and loosed another volley. Jang Je's army advanced leisurely, as if mocking them. Blind arrows inflicted no casualties. Tips embedded in wooden shields at best; those aimed at legs bounced off steel greaves into the snow.
"Regroup and fire again! Retreat!"
"Pursue. But don't charge recklessly!"
The Jingzhou garrison was pushed back unilaterally. Jang Je's men found the fleeing enemy laughable—no fight, just running.
"The field work was fun. What now?"
"What do you mean, what? We'll keep going."
Another hill appeared. Jang Je grew wary, like facing a riverbank. Were more soldiers hidden behind?
"We'll kill you all here."
Rooooaaar!!!
A massive roar echoed. Jang Je's heart sank, fearing a trap—until he saw who crested the hill, and he snorted.
"Hahaha! Now even peasants, not soldiers? Hilarious! Blocking a Han general's path! No yellow scarves, but Yellow Turbans all the same!"
Jang Je bellowed at the horde of farmers atop the hill.
"They're bandits! We'll exterminate them and reclaim their stolen goods!"
"Mad bastard."
The man sneered at Jang Je. He pulled a red flag from his bosom.
"Attach them."
Archers received new arrows from the peasants—tips wrapped in white cloth.
Fwoosh. They lit them.
Jang Je panicked briefly.
"Haha, didn't expect someone crazy enough to fire incendiaries in winter."
"Whether I'm crazy or not, results will tell. Everyone, ready!! Commence firing!!"
Fiery arrows rained down. Even cold-blooded soldiers couldn't stay calm amid falling flames.
"Shields together!"
They just avoided the fire.
"Over your heads!"
At Jang Je's shout, soldiers huddled, shields overhead. Some arrows extinguished mid-flight, thudding harmlessly into snow. Others missed entirely, rolling into drifts.
"Hahaha, that's it... damn it."
Whirr. Clang, clang.
Something heavy thudded onto shields. Varied stones battered them; Jang Je scowled.
"Annoying. Fine. Time to advance—"
"I forgot to mention."
The man's lips twisted into a smirk.
"Your parents would be heartbroken seeing you like this. Right?"
"...Talking like that now—"
Crack, craaack.
"...What?"
"Whew, thought you were done for. Now I get what 'walking on thin ice' means."
Crack, craaackle.
"Feel it."
Snap, crackle.
"That's how your parents feel."
Snap, craaackle, pop!
The ground gave way. It shattered into dozens of fissures.
* * *
Scatter straw over the river. Sprinkle water on top. Winter's chill helped, blanketing the straw piles with snow—a white veil hiding the ruse.
An artificial road stretched across the frozen river, sturdy enough for five hundred to cross easily.
...Even Jang Je's thousands tread it without cracking the surface.
So we shattered it ourselves. Incendiaries, stones—every method to shock the ice.
"Uwaaah!!"
"It's breaking! Run!!"
Jang Je's soldiers screamed, scrambling off the ice. Jang Je tried commanding amid panic, but soldiers plunged in one by one, stepping wildly.
Splash, splash!
No time to save them. The ice would melt faster than expected.
Fwoosh.
"Straw soaked in oil."
A stray incendiary's ember met oil atop snow-cleared straw—we'd trampled it clear, and Jang Je's army finished the job.
"Burning bright. Like your parents' hearts."
Would Jang Je hear? Who knows. But I hoped so.
"Didn't your parents teach you not to steal?"
Those who take lives must know theirs can be taken.
"Uwaaaah!!"
Jang Je's troops charged across the fracturing ice, scattering every which way—but toward us.
"You bastard! I'll kill you!"
Jang Je's mounted group. Behind, thousands fleeing death, ice crumbling.
"......Killing them all might be too much."
I dismounted. Grabbed the spear tied to my horse.
"Damn! Sorry! Thought I could brain my way to wiping you out!"
By the plan, they'd all drown here. But Jang Je and half his men charged us head-on, despite losses.
A thousand elite ironclad infantry. Eyes blazing, former Dong Zhuo crack troops out for blood.
Against our five hundred light infantry and thousand spear-wielding peasants.
Even a fool knows militia can't beat regulars.
Yet.
Behind us.
Were our families.
"Everyone, steel yourselves for death—"
"For killing."
Suddenly.
"Right on time."
A new voice.
"Hey, bro. Why so scared?"
A bell jingle sounded right behind us.