I Am Jang Yeon, You Motherfucker!

My eyes snapped open to the stench of blood. My nose burned like it had been scraped raw, and dirt crunched between my teeth. I tried to sit up, but something brown and crusted was stuck to my left side. “What the fuck is this… am I dreaming?”

Everywhere I looked, corpses littered the ground. A guy with his arm hacked off. Another with a spear buried in his chest. Heads severed, bodies rolling around like discarded logs. Waking up in the middle of a goddamn corpse pile? This dream was way too fucking realistic.

Just as that thought crossed my mind, a mechanical sound slammed into my skull.

“...Jang Yeon?”

The guy who rode the Gongsun Zan coin, got trampled by Yuan Shao, then surrendered to Cao Cao? That self-proclaimed leader of ‘one million Black Mountain bandits’? But right now, I felt like I’d been fucking scammed.

“A worthless Black Mountain bandit grunt… son of a bitch…”

Then a second mechanical sound hammered my head.

“...If I survive, it gives me a function that automatically detects women? Hey, this system is completely insane. Is this world from some Three Kingdoms erotica or adult game?”

The water had already been spilled. There was no taking it back. If I couldn’t turn around, I just had to run all the way to the end. I steeled my mind with pure lust and staggered to my feet. Thankfully my knees still worked. Right in front of me, a corpse had a sword lying neatly in its hand, still sticky with blood. It looked like it had been placed there just for me to pick up.

On the corpse’s chest was a scrap of cloth that read ‘Black Mountain.’

“I’m going to rule over these fuckers.”

Whether this was a dream or reality, someone had set the table. Might as well eat.

As I made that resolution, I heard the sound of someone crawling from a distance.

“Ugh… hck… you’re… alive…?”

From between the bushes, a bandit who looked like a beggar dragged himself out. His clothes were torn to shreds, and his eyes were filled with terror. Then more came crawling out—one, two, three, four—five in total.

At a glance, they looked weaker than me. In RPG terms, they were basically bandit A-level mobs.

“Hey, wasn’t that guy dead just now?”

“Yeah, I thought he was definitely finished.”

Even if there were five of them, a mob was still a mob. Time to establish dominance right away.

“Shut the fuck up.”

At my single command, all five mouths snapped shut. I grabbed the sword from the corpse’s hand, gave it a light swing, and spoke.

“From ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠now on, I’m your boss.”

“...What?”

“If you can’t accept it, come at me. I’ll kill every last one of you right here.”

One of the five—the one with the most decent build—glared at me.

“Are you crazy? How the hell do you think you can—”

-Thud!

I didn’t even need to swing the sword. I kicked his sloppy shin, and while he rolled around groaning in pain, I punched him twice more. Blood sprayed as a tooth flew out of his mouth.

“Hiiik…”

“I said shut up!”

This time I put real force into slamming my fist down on his head. The groans of pain instantly stopped. The others watching widened their eyes like frightened rats, then quietly lowered their gazes.

“Anyone else got a complaint?”

“...No, boss…!”

“Good. From now on, you call me boss properly. If you don’t listen, you’ll end up like him. Got it?”

“Alright. Is there anyone smart enough to know what we should do now?”

“...Well, shouldn’t we survive first, boss?”

“That’s right. But how exactly do we survive?”

Their eyes rolled around like they were thinking, but no answers came no matter how long I waited. Of course these bandit bastards would be like this.

I pointed at the sky. Beyond the distant mountains, a thin column of smoke was rising.

“...Don’t you smell a village over there?”

The guys who still didn’t know what to say kept rolling their eyes, so I explained more simply.

“If there’s a village over there, what should we do first?”

I slowly scanned their faces. Terrified eyes. Torn clothes. Four bandits who had barely survived a death trap. Five including me. Some might ask if this even counted as troops… but to survive, we had to eat whatever we could get our hands on.

“Tell me one by one what we can get if we raid the village.”

“...Food…”

“...Water.”

“Herbs…”

“W…women…?”

I turned my head at the last one. The guy who spoke shrank back, lowering his voice.

“What are you shrinking for? Is that wrong? Huh? We need to eat women to survive!”

“...In this situation…?”

“What kind of stupid bullshit… Listen. Right now there are five of us. If we want to gather more heads in the future, we have to let them do whatever the fuck they want.”

If there’s no food, we starve. No water, we die of thirst. No herbs, we die from untreated wounds. No women, bandits don’t multiply and we die.

“All the men have probably been dragged off to war. What’s left are old people, children, and women.”

“...Women waiting, huh… Nice. That basically means there are a lot of widows.”

I laughed like a madman. Every time an alert came, my head got so fucking noisy that I hated this shitty system, but somehow it suited me perfectly.

“Boss… are we really going to raid the village…?”

One of them cautiously spoke up. When I looked at him, he shrank back.

“Are you scared?”

“...It’s not that…”

“If you’re scared, step back. The other four and I will go.”

Of course, anyone who stepped back would have their head separated from their body.

When I released a murderous aura, they exchanged glances, then shouted in resignation.

“N-no! We’re going! We’ll follow you to the ends of hell!”

“Good. From now on, we are a bandit group. I’m the boss. If you don’t obey me, I’ll take your heads. Understand?”

They all lowered their heads.

“Yes, boss…”

We left the battlefield where blood ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠and crows screamed. We crossed rugged mountains and streams as the sun slowly sank. Even then, the calculator in my head kept spinning.

‘This is the Three Kingdoms era, but there’s a system attached. It has leveling, quests, and gives rewards…’

“...Vigor 20? Holy shit, this really is an adult game.”

With stats like these… even an average widow would be delicious.

While I was running the numbers, the guy at the front shouted.

“Boss! It’s over there!”

I signaled him to stop. In the distance, I could see several thatched houses. Smoke rose from chimneys, fences were flimsy, and there were no guards.

“Perfect. This is it.”

I kicked the ground once.

“Tonight, we eat ‘dinner’ here.”

Their ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠eyes were full of worry and anxiety, but they were already half-resigned under the weight of fear. On the other hand… my eyes were gleaming.

The house on the very edge. Through the narrow gap in its window, the back of a woman in white clothes flashed by.

‘...What the fuck, why can I see this?’

“...Good. It begins now.”

The guys lined up behind me, already holding their breath. I jumped over the flimsy fence and stopped in front of the first thatched house in the village.

“This house is the first meal.”

The door rattled loosely. There was no latch. The windows were closed, but it was definitely the place I had seen earlier. Beyond the paper screen door, white clothing rustled, and a strange scent of sweat and damp skin drifted out.

“You lot keep watch around the perimeter. Don’t let anyone out, and don’t pay attention to whatever happens inside. Got it?”

“Yes, boss…”

They lowered their bodies and hid around the area. I slowly pushed the door open.

Creak—

Inside was quiet. A single oil lamp in the center of the room, and a woman kneeling before it. Her white jacket was damp and slightly translucent. The curve from her hips to her thighs was faintly visible in the lamplight. She seemed to be praying. Probably praying for her husband’s safe return.

‘...She’s really praying hard.’

Too bad that bastard’s head was probably rolling around separately on some battlefield right now.

“Huu…”

I let out a light breath and approached. At that moment, the woman lifted her head—and our eyes met directly.

“Kyaaak!!”

She screamed and tried to run. Without hesitation, I reached out and grabbed her wrist.

“Shut your mouth, bitch.”

Her trembling hand. Eyes overflowing with tears.

“No… please spare me… I beg you…!”

“I told you to shut up. Right now, there’s only you and me in this room.”

I whispered softly, feeling her breath against the tip of my nose.

“If you want to live, stay quiet and do exactly as I say.”

“Fuck, a woman who had a husband is crying like this. If you don’t want to die, spread your legs first. From now on, no matter how I fuck you, you’d better spread them wide if you want to live. Understand?”

I grinned. Even if she cursed and cried with her mouth, her legs would open on their own.