Let's Become a Trash Saint
Let's Become a Trash Saint
{The Chosen of the Goddess shall come in the purest body.
Without any stigmata or portent, pure and yet more pure.
For grace does not discriminate, and Her Chosen understands this truth.
You shall know the Chosen not by stigmata,
but by the laughter of children and the screams of the wicked that surround them. By these signs you shall know them.}
-Scripture of Grace, Chapter 32, Verse 17-
***
"Aaaah!!! Aaah!... Saint! Saint!!"
The entrance to the filthy sewer.
Priests and holy knights in white robes prostrated themselves toward me on a floor mixed with all manner of filth. I just kept blinking my eyes.
What kind of situation was this?
No, you said there were no stigmata.
So what reason did you have for suddenly doing this?
"Please, give me some clothes to wear."
First, I needed to put something on.
Honestly, I only realized it after taking them off...
The clothes I had been wearing.
They were truly filthy.
At my words, the priests and holy knights scrambled into motion.
"Please, wear this!"
A bald old man called the High Priest offered me a pure white Lilia priestly robe, tears streaming down his face. Under the intense, watchful eyes of everyone, I had to perform a humiliating public changing show.
Even after I had finished changing, the gazes of admiration and longing toward me did not stop.
No, please, just don't stare at me like that!
A lowly man like me found those gazes way too overwhelming, you know?
"Please take care of the children. They are poor, pitiful children."
"Of course! Of course! Saint! We will take care of them."
After handing over the fifteen young girls to the priests of the Lilia Order, an awkward silence settled between us.
"Hnnggg!! Hnngggh! Aaaaaah!!"
Only the convulsive screaming of the robber who had just tried to strip me at knifepoint filled the back alley.
"The laughter of children and the screams of the wicked shall surround them. Aaah! It is exactly as the scripture says!!"
"Saint!! Saint! What must we do now! Lead your humble servants!!"
The holy knights and priests, especially the bald old man, were looking at me with tears of deep emotion.
The pressure was maddening.
Just as I was thinking that, on the other hand, avoiding being burned at the stake was a total win,
the High Priest cautiously approached me and clasped my hand firmly.
"What does the Goddess of Grace say? Saint? Tell us what She has spoken. We shall listen and obey."
The Goddess of Grace say something? She hadn't said a single word to me so far.
I was a guy with no faith to begin with, you know?
Just as I was thinking that,
a sudden, chilling thought flashed through my mind.
A guy with no faith.
Such a guy was going around impersonating a saint sent by the Goddess.
Luckily, the people before me had mistaken me for a saint, so I had avoided the ending of being burned at the stake.
But...
Would Lilia, the Goddess of Grace herself, be unaware of that fact?
In this world's setting, a god wasn't some abstract concept.
They were living, breathing beings who actually granted miracles and holy power to their followers, undeniably real entities.
An omniscient and omnipotent being who could know all my thoughts and past deeds was clearly alive and watching, and yet these people were now venerating me as a saint.
In that moment, I felt as if all the blood had drained from my body at once.
No matter how much I denied it,
no matter how much I tried to escape, these people showed absolutely no sign of giving up on me and leaving.
It meant I was going to be practically forced into being revered as a saint...
Then wouldn't that create a real probability of being struck dead by the goddess's divine punishment?
I had to run away!!
But they said there was something like a Tracking Miracle, right?
Even if I ran, I'd be caught right away!
And on top of that, even if I could get far away, judging by the state of the fanatics before me, even if I fled to the ends of hell, they would passionately follow me there.
As long as these people followed me and treated me as a saint, no matter how much I insisted otherwise, the Goddess's wrath for falsely claiming to be her saint would certainly follow me as well.
So what was the conclusion?
I had to shake these people off.
I had to make the people of the Lilia Order give up on me.
But a method that also didn't end with me being burned at the stake for heresy...
Was there anything?
'What if I say I lost my abilities?'
That was the first thought that came to mind, but upon seeing the matchstick-selling girls clustered around me, refusing to leave my side, that idea vanished cleanly.
Even running away immediately wouldn't be enough, but I couldn't run because I pitied them, and ended up treating them, which caused this whole mess.
Even if I screamed, 'I suddenly can't use my abilities anymore! I'm a useless ordinary person!', the moment another pitiful person appeared before me, I would clearly end up healing them anyway.
Damn it.
Why couldn't I be more cold-hearted!!
Then how...
How could I shake these people off?
While I was agonizing, an idea flashed through my head.
You know,
in novels, there's always at least one.
An incompetent priest.
If I acted like that kind of priest, wouldn't everyone get disappointed in me and leave?
Of course, the most important thing here was balance.
I couldn't ruin the Order so badly that the Goddess genuinely got pissed off.
And, like it or not, since I was being treated as the Lilia Goddess's saint, I also couldn't commit any evil acts that would tarnish the Goddess's name's value.
While continuing to heal and do good deeds, my actions had to be so truly useless and stupid that people would get fed up and leave—that level of trolling!
If I could make people leave me while getting an evaluation like, [Ah! The kid is genuinely kind, but damn, he's incompetent!], it would be perfect!
These people would naturally leave me, and I wouldn't have to face the Goddess's divine punishment! That sounded good, right?
Yes!
This was the only way!!!
"Please guide me to the temple."
That was the word I spat out after about a minute of frantic deliberation.
I planned to go and waste the temple's money in vain.
Just enough that the Order wouldn't completely collapse and the Goddess would get pissed.
Just enough that people would recognize, 'The kid is kind, but damn, he's incompetent!'
I'd blow it away!
"We are ashamed, Saint. The Lilia Order is an order centered in the southern provinces, not the capital. A temple branch has not yet been established in the capital."
Ah.
Right.
If there had been a temple in the capital, there would've been no reason it took days to get here, would there?
I'd momentarily forgotten because I was a moron.
Then what could I...
No.
There was a way.
"Why do you say there is no temple? Follow me."
If there was no temple, I could just buy a plot of land and build one.
I had to be as incompetent as possible.
So that people would get disappointed in me and leave!
It would be fine if I bought some trash land that was completely useless, at an obscenely high price, and caused a loss.
I took the people of the Lilia Order and the holy knights of the Sun Order and exited the stinking sewer.
"Saint! Saint!"
"Guide us! O Grace!"
The members of the Lilia Order followed behind me, their expressions full of expectation.
The more I thought about it, the more cold sweat broke out.
The Lilia of Grace was probably watching this whole scene in real time from the sky right then, wasn't she?
To survive, I had to make these people abandon me and leave, even a day sooner.
Because only then could I avoid the fate of dying by the Goddess's divine punishment!!!!
***
Not long after Erpa brought the priests of the White Order to the Magic Tower, the Magic Tower Master Oergen personally descended to the lobby.
"I behold those who serve the God of Evil Eradication."
"I behold one who walks the path of mana. I trust you have already heard of the incident."
"I have received a brief report. It said that after engaging in combat with a being suspected of being an Abomination, the witch Tudel of our Magic Tower was taken away by the White Order."
"Yes. That is correct. However, the situation has changed. Everyone witnessed the Healing Saint restore Erpa."
If Erpa had truly been an Abomination, it would have been normal for her body to melt and die the moment she experienced the saint's miracle.
But Erpa, as they could see, was alive and well.
The meaning of this was clear to everyone present.
"It was our misjudgment. Erpa was not an Abomination. Though it may be hard to believe, she appears to be someone with a highly unique constitution."
At the White Order's words, everyone in the Magic Tower lobby looked quietly at Erpa.
Receiving those gazes, Erpa slowly stepped forward.
"I expect you'll need an explanation of what has happened."
Erpa drew the wand the White Order had confiscated and returned to her, aiming it at the air.
"I shall allow you to see it firsthand."
There were many, many scenes to show, but Erpa selected only a few with the most impact and showed them to everyone.
The moment she had figured out Tudel's plan was shown to all.
And Tudel's attempt to kill her by feeding her sleeping pills and a magic power suppressant when Erpa tried to stop her was also shown.
The battle that ensued, and when defeat became possible, Tudel's utterly vile scene of screaming and framing Erpa as an evil god worshipper—vividly.
Everything was exposed to the whole world from the victim's point of view.
The expressions of the White Order members were not good.
Magic Tower Master Oergen's expression was rotting away outright, and the faces of the witches and mages from other towers were equally grim.
And after those memories of Erpa, which were short if considered short and long if considered long, barely over two minutes, had all been played back, Magic Tower Master Oergen immediately gave an order.
"Bring Tudel in."
"That will not be necessary. Even though Erpa was not an Abomination, inciting others to label her as a Calamity Bearer was a clear act of heresy. Therefore, we have taken her into custody for investigation."
One of the priests of the White Order quietly dragged the bound Tudel forward, restrained by the Miracle of Suppression, and presented her before the Tower Master.
"We apologize for subduing a witch belonging to the Magic Tower without prior notice."
"On the contrary, you have saved us the trouble, so we should be grateful."
At Magic Tower Master Oergen's chilly words, Tudel's face turned as pale as if she had seen a ghost.
"I-I can explain. I can explain everything..."
She desperately fumbled for words, but Erpa opened her mouth first.
"Tudel was planning human experimentation!"
Tudel squeezed her eyes shut at Erpa's words.
Glaring straight at her, Erpa slowly explained everything to them all.
For what purpose she had been brought to the capital.
How they had formed a symbiotic relationship.
How their relationship had soured and eventually led to a fight.
She exposed it all completely.
Tudel, sweating coldly, desperately refuted.
"That's an absurd claim! There's no evidence!"
"Really? Then I'll show you that evidence. The paper you boasted was selected as the representative thesis. It was the Shadow Research, right?"
Right then, Erpa began reciting the Shadow Research thesis word-for-word, from the first line to the last.
Erpa succeeded in reciting all the sentences, which were completely embedded in her head, in an instant without a single hitch.
Magic Tower Master Oergen's eyes widened.
"How can you... That content should only be known to Tudel, myself, and a few examiners."
"Because I wrote it. All of it. As I said, Tudel and I were in a symbiotic relationship. I ghostwrote her papers, and she claimed them as her own achievements. In return, I was provided with magical equipment and spellbooks to fix my body. That is how I know the contents of the Shadow Research."
The gazes of all the mages and witches gathered in the lobby turned toward Tudel.
Under the stare demanding an explanation, Tudel merely froze, unable to give a proper answer.
"Tudel. Is this child's claim true? I believe a suitable rebuttal is in order."
Even at Oergen's words, Tudel could say nothing.
She just kept her mouth shut.
At that sight, the people of the White Order stepped forward in anger.
"If you clearly knew she was not a Calamity Bearer and yet tried to have Erpa indirectly killed by our hands, I swear by the name of the One who eradicates evil, you will not have a pleasant end."
At the White Order priest's words, Magic Tower Master Oergen raised his hand.
"I understand your anger. However, since Tudel is a witch belonging to our Magic Tower for now, it seems procedurally proper that we conduct an initial internal investigation first. And if Erpa's claims from today are indeed proven true..."
Oergen looked at Tudel with a frosty, ice-cold face.
"After expelling her from the Magic Tower, we will hand her over to you. You may then judge her for the crime of making a mockery of the White Order."
At those words, the people of the White Order quelled their anger, then politely bowed their heads toward Oergen before leaving the Magic Tower.
Oergen gestured toward Tudel.
"Take her away and conduct an investigation with a truth potion. Given the gravity of the matter, I believe there will be no objections."
Naturally, there were no objections.
Battle mages dragged Tudel off to the investigation room.
Her expression was as rigid as a corpse's.
After Tudel disappeared, Magic Tower Master Oergen approached Erpa.
"You wrote all the papers Tudel submitted during that time?"
Erpa quietly nodded her head.
At this, Oergen burst into laughter.
"Thanks to those papers, I had been considering Tudel as the next Tower Master... At this rate, it seems I might have to hand the position of next Tower Master over to you."
Oergen came up to Erpa and extended a hand.
"There have been many twists and turns, but I must say this nonetheless. Won't you join the Magic Tower, even now? If what you said is true, and your talent is also genuine, I cannot bear the thought of letting you go."
Erpa smiled at his words and took the Tower Master's hand.
"If someone like me is acceptable."
Oergen's smile deepened.
"Follow me. Many procedures are needed to enter the Magic Tower. First, I must learn about your past."
"Yes. Gladly. But before that, just a moment."
Erpa looked down at her own upper garment.
Two of the four armholes, the lower two, were empty.
It was because of the two arms that had disappeared, now gone thanks to the saint's healing.
Erpa drew her wand and cast magic on herself.
She had mastered all kinds of magic to heal herself, but among them, Erpa had especially honed magic concerning body modification to a degree that could be called beyond expert.
It wasn't long before two new arms grew from her, piercing through the empty armholes.
"I was glad the extra eyeballs disappeared, but losing arms I used to have was too inconvenient. I thought having four arms would be better for efficient work, after all."
At that, Oergen looked at Erpa with concern.
"With four arms, there may be people who will look at you strangely."
It was a valid point, but Erpa shook her head.
"This is the body the Saint called beautiful."
Erpa was no longer ashamed of her appearance.
It was a body the Saint had acknowledged in front of everyone.
She didn't have the slightest reason to reject or deny it.
Seeing that confident attitude, Oergen smiled.
"I would like to hear the story of your past. Will you come up with me?"
"Gladly!"
Erpa smiled back at the Tower Master.
The two went up to the Tower Master's office.
And they shared a long, long conversation.