Regression
"Haak...!"
I gasped for breath as I pushed my upper body upright.
My whole body was drenched in cold sweat.
The sound of my heart pounding against my ribcage echoed all the way to my ears.
"...Where is this? Am I dead?"
Dragging in rough breaths, I looked around.
Old wallpaper.
A small desk.
A mini-fridge tucked in the corner. A university class schedule hanging on the wall.
It was a scene both familiar and strange.
I slowly raised a hand and touched my face.
Smooth skin without a single wrinkle.
But the back of my hand was still plump, my fingers still thick.
"...What is this?"
I had clearly been hit by a truck and was lying in the middle of the road.
Yet when I opened my eyes, I wasn't in a hospital—I was in a place I knew all too well...
I pushed myself up and made a slow circuit of the room.
On the desk sat enrollment documents dusted with a fine layer of grime, and through the window, the still-dark air of early morning drifted in.
I caught sight of a mirror.
I walked over slowly and stood before it.
The face reflected in the glass was...
Not my forty-nine-year-old self.
Chubby cheeks. A blurred jawline. The still-youthful face of a twenty-year-old.
I reached out and touched the surface of the mirror.
It was cold.
Unmistakably the touch of reality.
"...What the hell? Why am I young again?"
The shock of being struck by that truck was still vivid.
The pain that had torn through my back,
the sound of bones shattering,
even the sound of a child crying.
And yet now, not a single wound marked me.
A clean body without a drop of blood.
Is this a dream...?
Or...?
I looked down at the desk.
One familiar object sat there.
A small, thick flip phone.
Not the slim smartphone I had been using.
The rough texture unique to plastic pressed into my palm.
It was the phone I'd used back in my university days.
I picked it up and carefully flipped it open.
The narrow green LCD screen lit up, displaying the date.
The moment I saw it,
I doubted my own eyes.
"Wh... what...? 2002...?"
March 4, 2002.
The day of my university entrance ceremony.
My hands trembled faintly.
"...The past? I'm in the past, right now?"
I stared blankly at the date for a while.
Then, without warning, a laugh slipped out of me.
"Ha..."
My university entrance ceremony.
In my old life, everything had started going wrong from this very day.
Afraid of people's stares, I'd only ever sat in the very back of the lecture hall.
I never made a single friend.
I gave up on exercise, too.
Little by little, I drifted away from the world.
I set the flip phone down and looked around the room slowly.
The old wallpaper, the small desk, the schedule on the wall.
I still couldn't quite believe that all of this was real.
"...I really came back."
My voice quavered softly.
The impact of that truck was still fresh in my mind.
I had died, just moments ago.
I lowered myself slowly onto the edge of the bed.
Thud.
My hands were trembling slightly.
I was alive.
Alive again.
But of all moments, it had to be this one.
The day of my university entrance ceremony.
Twenty years old.
Mom had already passed away several years before this point.
If I'd gone back to a time when she was still alive...
I could have treated her a little better.
I could have told her not to push through the exhaustion and pain alone.
Why did it have to be... this moment...?
I couldn't return to that time.
I clenched my teeth.
"...Mom, I miss you."
I slowly lifted my head.
I looked straight at the twenty-year-old face in the mirror.
"...This time will be different."
Still chubby, still devoid of confidence—but inside that face lived the regrets of a forty-nine-year-old.
If I went to university like this, I would walk the exact same path again.
Avoiding people, reading the room,
and ending my life having done nothing but run away.
So I made my decision.
"The army..."
In my past life, I'd been exempted due to severe obesity.
They said Korean men avoided the military even when they had to pay bribes, but I hadn't been able to go even though I wanted to.
First, change yourself.
Body and mind.
I would join the army.
Endure the disciplined routine, work out,
and force myself into contact with other people.
Then I would come back to university.
This time, I wouldn't hide.
And so, until dawn broke,
I laid out my plan for what came next.
Nine in the morning.
I picked up my phone.
After a moment's hesitation,
I dialed the department office number printed in the university's welcome booklet.
Rriiing.
After a few rings, a clear woman's voice answered.
"Hello, this is the Department Office."
"Um... my name is Kang Do-yoon. I'm an incoming freshman this year."
"Yes, go ahead."
I took a deep breath.
"I'm planning to enlist in the military right after enrollment."
The line went quiet for a moment.
"...I'm sorry?"
"I was wondering whether a leave of absence for military service would be possible."
A few seconds of silence passed.
Then a cautious voice came through.
"Well... it's not common for a freshman to defer immediately for enlistment, but it is possible."
"...Really?"
"Yes. Once your enlistment notice arrives, you simply apply for a military leave of absence."
My heart leapt.
It would work.
It really would work.
"What's the procedure?"
The staff member kindly walked me through every document and step of the application, and I jotted everything down on a memo pad, fast.
When she finished, I bowed my head instinctively as I spoke.
"Thank you very much."
"Stay healthy and serve well."
"...Yes, ma'am."
I hung up.
For a while I set the phone down and stared at the ceiling.
It was a call the old me would never have made.
I never went to the army.
To be precise, I couldn't go.
Obesity. Depression. Social anxiety.
I'd been given an exemption, and at the time I'd thought myself lucky.
But as the years passed, I came to understand.
What I'd lacked was never time.
It was a catalyst—something to force me to change.
I looked at myself in the mirror.
Still a fat body.
But my mind already carried the regrets of a forty-nine-year-old.
If I went to university as I was, I would simply repeat the same life.
Avoiding people.
Reading every mood.
And ending it all having only ever run away.
"No."
I shook my head.
"This life, I'm going to live without regrets."
Screech.
I pulled open the desk drawer and took out the enrollment documents.
Then I began checking off, one by one, everything I'd need for the leave of absence application.
That afternoon,
I went to the Military Manpower Administration.
The results of my physical examination were exactly as I'd expected.
"At your current weight, you're a Grade 4. Active duty will be difficult."
The examiner said it flatly, without ceremony.
I took my paperwork and walked outside.
I sat on a bench for a while, looking up at the sky.
"...Grade 4?"
The old me would have felt relief.
But not now.
I had to go as an active-duty soldier.
I murmured slowly to myself.
"First, the weight has to come off."
From that day on, for the first time in my life, I drove my body to the absolute limit.
I ate only two meals a day and ran late into the night.
Locked in my studio apartment, wearing sweat suits, sweating through gritted teeth.
It was brutal.
Having never exercised a day in my life, I ran out of breath almost instantly.
There were times I wanted to give up.
But every time that happened,
I thought of who I used to be, and I endured.
One month. Two months.
My body was so heavy to begin with that fifteen kilograms melted away almost overnight.
From 108 kilograms down to 93.
I returned to the Military Manpower Administration.
The result of my re-examination.
"Grade 3. You're eligible for active duty."
The examiner handed over the documents.
I took that piece of paper, and for the first time, I smiled—a small, quiet smile.
It was a start unlike anything the old me had ever known.
My life wasn't going to begin at the entrance ceremony.
It was going to begin again in the army.
The day my enlistment notice arrived,
not a single person congratulated me.
It had been the same before, and this life was no different.
I looked down at the contacts list on my phone.
Barely twenty entries.
And most of those were schools or government offices.
There was not one single person I could call to say, I'm off to the army.
I gave a bitter laugh.
"Just like always... I'm alone."
Back then, I had always been alone.
And now—
I was alone this time, too.
I shaved my own head.
I ate alone.
I boarded the bus alone.
But something was undeniably different from before.
And so the days passed.
............
Enlistment day.
The dawn air was cold.
Empty-handed, with not a single bag, I stood before the main gate of the training center.
Crowds had already gathered.
"Come back healthy!"
"Make us proud, son!"
"You'll call your mother the moment you get leave, right?"
Families patted their sons on the shoulder.
Fathers clapped them silently on the back.
Mothers couldn't hold back their tears to the very end.
Some shared their final goodbyes with girlfriends.
Laughing.
Crying.
Taking photos.
Holding one another in tight embraces.
I watched that scene for a long time.
I felt a twinge of envy.
In the past, even witnessing something like this had been agony.
Why was I the only one alone?
Why was I the only one without family?
Why was I the only one no one came to see off?
It had felt so unjust.
But now—
things were a little different.
I looked up at the sky.
"...Mom."
A faint smile crossed my face.
"I'll be back soon."
To my father.
To my mother.
A farewell that would never reach them.
And yet, somehow, my heart felt lighter for it.
Just then, an instructor's voice rang out from inside the training center.
"All new recruits, assemble to the front!"
The crowd began peeling away from their families, one by one.
Choked voices.
Final embraces.
Last waves of the hand.
I didn't even have that to go through.
I simply retied my shoelaces.
And before anyone else, I took my first step.
Wobble.
My body was still heavy, and I swayed as I walked forward.
Steps carrying me into an unfamiliar world.
But strangely enough—
I wasn't purely afraid.
This time.
I clenched my fist slightly.
I will never run away again.
Here, I would build my body.
Forge my mind.
And be reborn as a new Kang Do-yoon.
I never looked back, not even once.
Because there was no one behind me waiting.
All I had to do was keep my eyes forward and walk.
That was the first promise of my new life.
I moved slowly through the gates and into the training ground.
