Chirp Chirp... I Wanted to Be Loved
The chirping of birds. Sunlight that the blackout curtains couldn't fully block slipped into my cramped studio apartment, tickling my eyes. The birdsong pouring in was so loud it only grated on my nerves.
"...Ugh."
The lively noise was unbearable. Once sleep had fled, it refused to return. I rose blankly from my bed—my one true sanctuary. The first thing that greeted me was the floor, buried under a mountain of trash. I knew I ought to clean it someday, but...
"...Too much hassle."
I genuinely didn't want to do anything at all. Fighting back the headache throbbing behind my eyes, I yanked the blackout curtains shut. Only then did my eyes finally feel at ease.
"Darkness... puts my mind at rest."
I picked up my phone to check what day it was.
"...Monday."
No wonder the world outside sounded so rowdy. It was eight in the morning on a Monday. I'd woken up at dawn. When I pulled the curtain aside to peek out, I saw countless people bustling along the street. A chill crawled over my skin. It felt as if those people—living in an entirely different world—were glancing my way and sighing. As if they were staring at my pathetic, worthless self and spitting curses under their breath. I snapped the curtains shut and retreated deeper into the apartment.
"Haa... Hic...!"
Breathing was hard. It seemed like everyone pitied me. Like they all saw me as some pathetic, pitiful creature, and the weight of those imagined gazes crushed my lungs. Ever since Father beat me, it had always been like this. Everyone seemed to hurl either insults or sympathy in my direction. I'm fine. My leg is just a little inconvenient, and I get scared when someone stands too close. That's all. Nothing more.
"It's spinning..."
I never should have opened the curtains. I hurried to close them again, leaving only a sliver of faint light. It felt a little better, yet the heavy gloom and hyperventilation refused to fade.
"...Knife."
So I reached for a rather extreme kind of comfort. I dragged myself over to the desk where the computer sat. Piles of trash snagged my feet, clattering and rolling loudly, but I didn't care.
"Haa, haa... There it is."
A blue utility knife. I lifted it and sprayed disinfectant across the blade. No rust. A perfectly safe tool.
Shing.
I stared at the tip of the blade for a long time. Red. At last, I felt at peace.
......
I lay on the bed again, staring blankly at the fresh bandage wrapped around my arm. It had stretched longer.
"...I hope it scars."
I ran my fingers over the gauze. I hoped it would leave a proper mark by the time I looked again. A token that I'd overcome myself once more.
"...Heh."
Smiling faintly, I scratched my stomach and shuffled toward the refrigerator. I nearly tripped over the trash but didn't feel like cleaning it. The fridge light washed over me.
"...Nothing here."
The fridge I had dragged my aching leg toward was empty. Just like my stomach. How many days had I gone without eating? I couldn't remember anymore.
"...I feel like I have no strength left."
With those words, I returned to bed and quietly closed my eyes.
3:00 PM
"Morning already."
I must have passed out from hunger. I shoved the trash on the floor aside just enough to make a path and collapsed back into bed.
......
I really should eat something. But there was nothing in the house. I let out a long sigh.
"...Haa. No choice, I guess."
Maybe I should just die. The thought crossed my mind, but dying a second time was terrifying. Living with the pain seemed better than that. It was a feeling only someone who had been reincarnated could understand.
"...Why do they keep contacting me when I never answer?"
They were all messages and calls from my younger siblings, the ones I'd sent to college. I had wanted to be an older sister they wouldn't feel ashamed of. So after becoming an adult, I sent them money every month without fail and cut off all contact. I had to earn money. Jiwoo wanted to become a lawyer. Minwoo wanted to become a police officer. It cost a lot. With Father in prison, I had to cover it with my own body. I didn't want to show them their struggling older sister.
"...I'm shorter than both of them because I ate even less."
My growth had stopped in middle school. I'd given all the food to my siblings. Ever since then, my body had grown used to enduring hunger.
"Seriously, I really didn't want to ask them for help."
Even so, I opened the pile of messages from Jiwoo and sent one line.
I'm hungry. That was the only thing I could say. The only thing I wanted to say.
"...I'm sorry for being this kind of sister."
She should be focusing on college. Instead I became a parasite who couldn't even send money and only reached out when I needed food. Yes, I'd become a parasite. The kind of pathetic human I hated most—the same as Father in my previous life. Staring at my limping left leg made me feel sick. I dragged myself back to the desk again.
Shing.
The blade, slightly stained red. I stared at it for a long time. Red. This time, my chest didn't feel any lighter.
I sat on the bed, staring blankly at the new bandage on the inside of my thigh.
"More came out than I expected."
It was soaked red. A message from Jiwoo arrived saying she'd be home soon. She'd called too, but... I didn't pick up. I just didn't feel like it. When Jiwoo came into the room, I'd pretend to be asleep. She wouldn't like seeing my pathetic self. Jiwoo and Minwoo both dislike me. I've never asked, but I can feel it. They fumble and can barely speak whenever they're in front of me.
"...They seem to talk just fine when it's the two of them."
After middle school, I worked late and came home to be beaten by Father. By the time I dragged my battered body into this narrow, shabby room, my siblings were already asleep. We probably didn't share much interaction when they were young. Since the two of them spent so much time together, they naturally relied on each other.
"...It's okay if they don't know."
It really was okay. I'd decided to become their one and only parent. A parent should give unconditional love, after all. It really was fine.
Her name was Yoo Jiwoo. A twenty-two-year-old law student. She had grown up in a hellish family and witnessed her only older sister's sacrifices with her own eyes. The sight of her sister heading off to work every day with a smile, saying everything was fine. The sister who always dressed her in the best clothes so she wouldn't feel ashamed. Thanks to that sister's sacrifices, Jiwoo was able to attend law school.
"Someday, I'll definitely save you."
With that thought in mind, Jiwoo read the message her sister had sent.
Once a month. Just one single line arrived on either Jiwoo's or Minwoo's phone. This month it had been Jiwoo's turn. Her chest felt like it was being ripped apart.
"I should buy what Sis likes. She must have gone hungry again."
Muttering to herself, Jiwoo bought the blood sausage and ramen that Suhyun especially loved and headed to her sister's apartment.
-Beep beep beep beep.
"...!!"
The sound of the front door opening told me my sister had arrived. I quickly burrowed under the blanket, pulling it over my head to hide my entire body.
......
I was scared. Scared she would look at me with pitying eyes. I trembled, waiting for her to leave.
"Whoa... the trash."
......
I knew she wasn't talking to me. But it still carved into my chest. The rustle of plastic bags followed.
"...Sis, I'm here."
......
I wanted to greet her. I wanted to smile brightly and say hello. But I couldn't.
"The house has gotten a lot messier. I'll clean it up sometime."
Jiwoo let out an awkward laugh. I could tell she was holding her breath.
"I'll bring Minwoo next time."
......
......
An awkward silence filled the room. I was grateful she still did this much even though she hated me.
"...Are you still not ready to talk?"
......
......
When I stayed silent, Jiwoo let out another awkward laugh. I heard her tidying the desk.
"I bought sundae. You like the ones with lots of lungs, right?"
......
"...If you don't want it, you can leave it."
I felt like she was staring at me for a long time.
"...!!"
Jiwoo sat on the bed. Her hand rested on the spot where my head was hidden.
"Hik!?"
"...S-sorry!"
Startled beyond reason, I let out a sound and jerked away from her like I was having a seizure. I burst out from under the blanket. Our eyes met.
"...H-hi, Sis."
......
......
Facing Jiwoo, I couldn't say a single word. She reached out, trying to talk to me, but—
"D-don't... don't come near me...!"
......
"...Aah......"
I rejected her. The memories of being slapped surged up, and I couldn't help it. In the end, Jiwoo left the room with a bitter expression.
The sundae had gone cold. Staring at it, I picked up the utility knife as if in a trance. Red. The flowing red.
"It hurts...!! It hurts!!"
I cried as I looked at that red. Lines were carved into my hand, and once again the number of bandages on me increased. It was so hard. I wanted to be loved. I really, really wanted to be loved.