Moonlit Scars
Sorry. Yeon-a had come into my house. Sitting in the dark room with her, feeling a little awkward, I wiped my tear-streaked face. My chest felt heavy. I had a feeling I’d have nightmares tonight.
“What about dinner, Suhyun?”
“…I don’t want any.”
Without meeting her eyes, I answered and headed for the shower. “Yeon-a… I-I’ll wash up first. D-don’t worry, nothing’s going to happen……”
When I told her nothing would happen in the bathroom, Yeon-a nodded and let me go.
Left alone in the living room, Yeon-a stared blankly at the ceiling.
“…Suhyun, what am I supposed to do?”
She was worried about Suhyun. Things had finally been getting better, but now she looked so fragile again. Who could have known a storm would hit just as she was starting to put down roots?
Her stomach growled, but she had no appetite. She felt like she might as well just try to sleep.
One scene kept replaying in her mind. It had been terrifying. This time they had managed to run away together, but…
“…I thought my legs were going to give out.”
The memory of running home in the rain tormented her. It had been agonizing. Yet at the same time, a strange sense of relief rose up. This time she had protected Suhyun. She hadn’t run away alone—she had escaped with her.
“…I’ll protect you, Suhyun. I’m sorry for all the times I couldn’t. I’ll make it up to you.”
Yeon-a sighed at the pain that had become a trigger. While she was lost in thought, Suhyun stepped out of the bathroom, naked, and their eyes met.
“Ah……”
“Go wash up, Yeon-a.”
“Huh…?”
“Yeah?”
Suhyun’s gaze was dazed. Feeling awkward, Yeon-a forced a smile and hurried into the bathroom.
After Yeon-a finished showering, we changed into clean clothes and lay staring at the ceiling.
“Suhyun… if it’s t-too hard… just tell me anytime……”
Yeon-a’s voice was fading, drowsy. I answered that I would and held my breath, waiting for her to fall asleep.
‘I’m sorry, Yeon-a… I don’t know anymore.’
I didn’t understand anything. Was it really okay for me to be here? Was it okay to stretch out and sleep so shamelessly?
“……”
In the silence, I could hear Yeon-a’s soft breathing. Listening to it, I got up and limped over to the desk. I pulled the curtain aside and searched for the cutter knife by the faint moonlight.
“…Sorry, Yeon-a. I’m just… too tired.”
It was too much. My heart was still pounding like my dad might burst in at any second. Even just falling asleep like this felt like I’d be punished from above. So before heaven could strike me down, I decided to atone with my own hands.
-Shk!
It had been a while since I last borrowed the cutter’s strength. It was the only thing I could lean on. Looking at the blade glinting in the moonlight, I swallowed the bitterness.
‘I really can’t live without this, can I?’
How was I supposed to face streaming again? I didn’t think I could broadcast with any dignity. Maybe I should just retire.
“…Once I’m done hurting myself, I’ll do something… so please forgive me.”
I begged my dad, who hated me, and probably Kei, who would hate me too, then pressed the cold blade to my arm. When I pushed down, sharp pain came with it, and red blood began to drip. Warm blood flowing slowly. That warmth only made me shudder. My head felt cold. This wasn’t the feeling I wanted.
“Nngh……”
A small groan escaped. It used to feel so much better than this. Something was wrong. It didn’t feel good at all. It just hurt too much. My chest only ached. But I didn’t stop. After my arm, I moved to my thigh, slowly drawing another line. A red line slowly appeared on my pale skin. Watching it, I cried.
“I’m sorry… it hurts so much, please… please make it stop……”
Begging like that, I stared at the cutter knife stained with red blood, my hands trembling. It hurt. My heart wasn’t getting any better. I couldn’t run away. I couldn’t escape this pain. Blood dripped onto my clothes. Kei must have hurt so much more. Goosebumps rose all over my body and nausea surged.
“Haa… urgh……”
I barely held back the urge to vomit, sighed, and tore off some tissue to press against the wound.
“I’m quitting streaming. I can’t do it anymore……”
I was afraid of how people would look at me. If I stopped, a lot of people would be sad. But I couldn’t keep living with this guilt. It would just be easier to die.
“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… I’m…!!”
I was someone who couldn’t even do this. Just a pathetic idiot who couldn’t even be loved properly. Everything was broken. I didn’t even resent my past-life parents or my current dad anymore. At this point, it was just my problem.
“I can’t even talk… can’t even walk… the only thing I’m good at is blaming myself……”
-Shk!
I pressed down and made another cut. It hurt. It hurt so much I felt like I was going to die.
“Hic…! It hurts…!!”
Blood dripped and soaked the floor. I stared at it blankly.
“I’m sorry… you loved me, but I couldn’t repay you properly… so please, just tell me to die……”
I still didn’t have the courage to die. I wished someone would tell me to die, like my dad had. If the people I loved said that, the pain would be enough to kill me. But even that wasn’t possible. Too many lingering attachments bound me here.
“……”
I dropped the cutter knife and stared blankly at the ceiling. And in that moment—
“…Is it over?”
A tearful voice came from behind me. Startled, I turned around. There, illuminated by moonlight, was Yeon-a’s face.
Looking at me, she said, “…Why? Why on earth……”
“Are you… crying?”
She was crying. Tears streamed down her face with an utterly sorrowful expression. She didn’t even try to wipe them away. She just let them fall. Her face, reflecting the cold moonlight and city lights. Seeing it, I lowered my head.
“…Suhyun, d-don’t do this……”
“Yeon-a… just hate me.”
“……”
Yeon-a sobbed, unable to say anything. Seeing her like that, I smiled faintly and continued.
“I-I’m… you know, this is hell. Living is… I’d rather die, but I’m scared… If you tell me to die… then I think I could.”
I knew it was an absurd thing to say. I knew I was insane for saying it. But my mouth wouldn’t stop. What did Yeon-a see, watching me bleed while saying these things?
After crying for a long time, Yeon-a looked at me and spoke. “…Then what about me?”
Her face was twisted in anger, her expression terrifying.
“What am I supposed to do? Tell you to die…? Just… just stand here and tell you to die without even trying to stop you?”
“……”
“You… what the hell are you saying?”
“…Hell is scary… This place is hell, Yeon-a.”
When I said that, Yeon-a shouted and ran over, grabbing my shoulders.
“Hey…!! Yoo Suhyun!! No…! Absolutely not!”
“…Yeon-a.”
“You have no reason to live…? That’s not true… If you die, what about me and the kids? Mom only just started reaching out to us……”
Yeon-a was crying. She still looked furious. But even so, she didn’t badmouth me.
“Don’t go… You can’t leave, Suhyun. This is my selfishness… I-I’m a really selfish person, you know…? So even if it’s just for me, please stay alive……”
Saying that, she told me to stay in hell. I opened my mouth to refuse.
“…This place is hell—”
“Then!!!”
“…!!”
But she cut me off and shouted.
“We… we’ll… make it into heaven again… Even if we can’t, we’ll at least make sure it’s not hell anymore.”
“……”
“…Please… Suhyun.”
Without caring about the blood, Yeon-a pulled me into a tight hug. Tears welled up in my eyes too. What had I been thinking? Wanting to leave this world when I had a friend like this. Even thinking of using her to die.
“I’m sorry…! I’m sorry……”
I hugged that friend tightly and begged again.
“D-don’t hate me……”
I was asking her not to hate me. To keep being friends with someone as pathetic as me.
Then Yeon-a hugged me and answered. “Of course not, you dummy… If it’s not you, I don’t have any friends either……”
“Liar……”
“It’s all business, you idiot…! You, you’re really an idiot!”
“Eh… You cursed at me.”
“If you say that again, I’ll do it again!”
Saying that, Yeon-a wiped the tears from my face with her hand. Sniffling, I tore off some tissue and wiped her face in return.
“B-blood first…! This isn’t the time to wipe my face, you know?”
“Ah… eheh, um… c-could you get the first-aid kit from the shelf over there?”
When I smiled awkwardly and said that, Yeon-a quickly moved to bring the box. I felt both gratitude and guilt toward her.
“Bandages, disinfectant… and ointment and tape……”
“Here… c-can you do this by yourself?”
“Y-yeah, I’ve done it a lot……”
“Ah……”
Yeon-a looked at me with a sad expression. Smiling awkwardly, I asked her not to look at me so pitifully.
“D-don’t look at me like that……”
“Still… what am I supposed to do?”
Saying that, Yeon-a gently stroked my head. Her warm touch was the only thing I felt truly grateful for.