I Knew Something Was Off!
I knew something was off from the start!
“What do you mean I don’t have to do anything?” Noah asked me the moment we stepped inside the dungeon.
“Exactly what I said. You told me this dungeon has a ridiculously simple structure, right?”
“Yes. From what I know, it’s just a straight path packed with monsters. You break through them in a line and then defeat the boss.”
That’s exactly why I said he didn’t need to do anything.
“Right. And as we agreed, you get to keep all the byproducts, yeah?”
“Yes. Just in case, I’ll cast a barrier on you before we enter—”
“No need.”
“But…!”
“Hold on a sec. Let’s see… physical reinforcement at five stacks, compression around three times…”
Divine Punch at triple stack should be plenty. I casually threw a punch into the dungeon.
But the result was anything but casual.
A golden flash lit up the entire corridor, shredding every monster in its path.
“Kyiiiiii!!!”
“Kyueeee!”
“Kyiii…”
From a quick glance, it looked like total annihilation. I shrugged at Noah.
“See? There wasn’t even time to do anything. Hurry up and grab the byproducts so we can head to the boss room.”
“Ah… uh… er…”
Noah suddenly froze up, stuttering without managing to say anything coherent.
“Snap out of it. Let’s finish this quick so we can go eat.”
“I greet the thirteenth Saintess candidate!!!”
Suddenly Noah dropped to one knee and bowed deeply. And that wasn’t all—he had seen straight through my identity.
How?! What exactly gave it away?
For now, I tried to deny it.
“Saintess candidate? What are you talking about? I’m just a priest who uses holy power in a slightly unique way.”
“According to what’s known, the only two people capable of loading holy power into their fists to produce that kind of destructive force are Archbishop Carlo, once called the Holy Fist, and the thirteenth Saintess candidate, Levia Leviathan.”
“…”
Grandpa, this is your fault. I got caught because of you.
More importantly, was I really that famous? Even a random mage I happened to meet in a place so far from the Entat Parish knew about me…?
This is all because of that damn Clown. If I hadn’t fought that bastard, it wouldn’t have spread this far!
Nothing I can do now except pray he doesn’t spill my identity.
“Please, if you could just keep my identity a secret when you—”
Splat.
I was in the middle of asking Noah to keep quiet about me when something wriggling and utterly disgusting suddenly latched onto his face.
Wriggle wriggle wriggle wriggle wriggle wriggle wriggle!
“Hieeek! What the hell is that?! That disgusting thing! Mosaic! We need a mosaic!”
Wait, would that actually make it worse?! This is exactly why I wiped everything out in one hit from the entrance—
“Ueeek! Lea! No, Saintess candidate! Help me!”
Before it could create an even more dangerous scene, I ripped the thing off Noah’s face and hurled it to the ground.
“Kyeee…”
“You okay? Anywhere hurt?”
“Y-yes…! I almost suffered something horrible… sob!”
Poor guy. That monster had a visual so traumatic it could scar you just by looking at it. No wonder he was shocked after it stuck to his cute face.
Sorry. I should’ve used a bit more power to make sure they were completely wiped out. But Noah suddenly saw through my real identity and I let my guard down in surprise… Guard down…
Wait, wait, wait, waaaaait!
Something’s weird here. Didn’t they say the monsters in this dungeon don’t attack women…?
“…”
“Thank you so much, Saintess candidate. Huh? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Noah.”
“Yes?”
“Stand up.”
“Huh?”
I spread both arms wide and spoke to him.
“Copy me. Man-seee~”
“M-man-seee?”
The moment Noah raised his arms in a cheer, I kicked straight up between his legs!
“Kugh?!”
Noah couldn’t endure the pain and collapsed forward.
“S-Saintess candidate… w-what are you… kuhk…”
“You were a guy?!”
“Y-you could’ve just asked normally… why did you have to kick my… glurk…”
Ah, he passed out. Did I kick him too hard? I thought I held back a little.
Well, I feel a bit bad, so if that gem or whatever drops, I’ll give him a small discount. Maybe one sil… nah, fifty coppers should do.
In the end, I realized I was pretty lucky.
When we defeated the boss, not one but two gems dropped! One dungeon run and I earned a hundred gold!
The byproducts I collected in Noah’s place were also quite generous, so the profit was pretty sweet.
Honestly, I would’ve loved to just spam Divine Punch from the entrance and coast through everything, but that wasn’t possible.
Apparently dungeons with bosses have a rule where you can’t re-enter for at least three days after killing the boss. Blah blah, something like that.
I found a suitable clearing, sat down, and woke Noah up.
“Hey. Wake up. Noah. Come on, wake up already.”
“Mmm… ugh?”
“Two gems dropped. We need to settle the account.”
“Huk!! T-two of them?!”
At the news that two gems had appeared, Noah shot upright.
“Give them to me quickly! It was fifty gold, right? Here!”
Just how desperate was he? He threw the money before even taking the items.
“I was planning to wrap up the deal coolly, but I changed my mind.”
“What?! You can’t do that! And you’re still a Saintess candi—mmph!”
This bastard?! Trying to expose my identity again!
This is suspicious. You’re an assassin sent to kill me, aren’t you? Huh?
“Shut up. You already know who I am. That means we need to renegotiate.”
“Mmph! Mmmph!”
“It’s a very simple condition. Answer a few questions and do one favor for me. Got it? If you understand, nod. And don’t you dare say the words ‘Saintess candidate’ out loud.”
Nod nod nod nod nod!
When I pressured him while radiating killing intent, Noah’s eyes filled with tears as he frantically nodded. The sight was so adorable it could awaken certain tastes in people who never had them before, but it didn’t work on me.
I have no interest in shotas. And I’m cuter anyway!
“Answer my questions honestly.”
“Yes.”
“Why did you pretend to be a girl?”
“I never did that.”
“…”
I frowned and glared, but even while trembling, Noah stood his ground.
“I-I never deceived you! Saintess candi— I mean, Lea, you just assumed on your own! I never once said I was a girl!”
When I thought about it, he was right. But I still felt wronged. Who the hell would look at that face and think “guy”?!
“Damn it! This is exactly why I need that gem!”
Huh? He’s answering the question I was curious about?
I had been wondering what that gem was used for.
“That gem is also called Man Power. When combined with the ingredients I’ve gathered, it can change this girly appearance into something properly masculine.”
“So that’s what your research is about?”
“Yes. It’s almost complete.”
“Hmm… I don’t think it’ll have that kind of effect…”
While Noah was enthusiastically explaining his research, someone interrupted.
“Hiiik! D-dark elf?!”
It was Skadi.
“I see… So that’s what it was! Lea, you were after my body too!”
“…?”
Why would I be after your body?
“Don’t play dumb! The fact that a dark elf is by your side is proof! You came chasing after me after I ran away!”
What is this guy even saying? Why is he suddenly going full throttle on his own?
“But don’t think I’ll be caught so easily! I knew this might happen, so I prepared a spell in advance! Blink!”
Noah instantly appeared far away in the distance. Oh. So that’s teleportation magic. Interesting.
The more he acted like this, the more curious I became.
“Skadi.”
“Yes.”
“Bring him back.”
“Yes.”
Skadi vanished with a soft rustle at my command and reappeared shortly after, holding Noah by the scruff of his neck.
“Let go! I’m never going back to the elves’ forest!!”
At least give some explanation before throwing a tantrum. This is confusing for innocent bystanders.
Thwack!
Irritated, I gave him a solid flick to the forehead.
“Ow!”
“Stop spouting nonsense and explain. Why the sudden freakout?”
“W-well…”
The tear-jerking(?) backstory that came out of Noah’s mouth went like this:
When he was young, Noah had been abandoned in the forest. The elves living there found him and raised him. They taught him magic, fed him all kinds of nutritious elixirs and food, and cherished him dearly.
Up to this point, it sounded like the birth of a touching human-elf documentary drama.
“But the truth was different! The elves were raising me so they could eat me later!”
With one sentence from Noah, the touching human-elf documentary instantly flipped into a survival horror genre.
The elves have a cannibal culture?!
I looked at Skadi with suspicious eyes. She might be a dark elf rather than a regular elf, but she was still an elf. She had been rubbing her face against my cheeks wanting to feel them… Did that mean once I grew a bit more, she was planning to tear off and eat my soft, cute cheeks…!
“Master, that’s not it. It’s a misunderstanding.”
Skadi looked unusually flustered as she began making excuses.
I moved away from Skadi and approached Noah. Scary… Elves…!
“It really isn’t! When this mage says ‘eat,’ he doesn’t mean literal consumption…!”
“Then what does it mean!”
“That… um… it has a very… sexual meaning…”
“…”
I widened the distance even more. I even cast a holy barrier around myself and Noah so Skadi couldn’t come near.
“Ah! M-Master?! It’s a misunderstanding! That’s not me!”
“Don’t lie! Last time you said something like ‘I’m holding back because you’re still young’! What exactly were you planning to do once I got bigger!”
“That’s… not it! Anyway, it’s not! Dark elves are different! Especially me! Please believe me!”
You! I saw that brief silence just now!
Ignoring Skadi, I warmly hugged Noah inside the holy barrier.
“You must have been really scared. You’ve been through a lot. You’re safe now.”
“Hic… sniff! Yes… when I learned the truth… I was so scared…!”
“It’s okay now. If you want to cry, go ahead. I’ll protect you.”
“Hic… waaah!”
I didn’t say anything more and simply patted Noah’s small back.
“Please believe me! I’m not like the dark elves! We don’t have those filthy tastes!”
Go away already, you perverted dark elf! I knew something was off from the start!