Reconciliation (2)
"You—!"
Because of you, someone almost died.
No—you almost killed someone.
By the time that thought registered, I had already completely lost my mind.
I grabbed Tia by the collar.
I seized the startled, wide-eyed Tia and yanked her toward me. Perhaps it was because she had never seen me like this before—though I occasionally grumbled quietly to myself, she had never once seen me lose my temper and explode in rage.
Tia burst into tears at once.
A child's tears are nothing but a nuisance, an irritation. I had assumed Tia's tears would be no different.
"I-I'm sorry.... Hic. Kk. I'm sowwy...."
But the moment that tiny mouth let out its sniveling, hiccupping sobs, I froze on the spot.
It wasn't Mommy, you're scary, nor was it Mommy, you're so mean.
It was I'm sorry.
Without understanding anything at all, Tia was hiccupping uncontrollably—and yet she was clearly saying she was sorry.
At that, the fury drained away, and the strength left my hands. Or perhaps the anger hadn't disappeared so much as lost its direction. Was this tiny child who knew nothing actually at fault? And if anyone was at fault—wasn't it me, who had known about her venom all along and taken absolutely no precautions?
The moment my thoughts reached that point, everything went dark before my eyes as I realized what I had truly done.
I've done something irreversible.
I clenched my lips tightly, and felt the sting of a fresh scab settling over the wound that had barely begun to heal.
"Sowwy, I'm sorry! I'm sowwieeee! Hnngh. Hic. Hkk...."
"......."
Tia kept repeating the same words through her chicken-poop tears. Unable to bring herself to bury her face in my chest, she clutched the hem of her skirt in her tiny fists—and it was heartbreaking to see.
I want to hold her.
But did I even have the right to?
Just as I was hesitating, unable to muster the courage—
"Yulia! What do you think you're doing?!"
I was shoved backward by rough hands.
Irina, her color fully restored at some point, was shielding Tia behind her while staring at me with an expression of utter disbelief.
She's completely recovered.
Thank goodness.
Truly, thank goodness.
Right now, that was all I could think.
"Why would you suddenly scream at a child like that?!"
"Ah...."
But Irina's eyes were unbearable. Those eyes, looking at me as if I were a murderer—it was agonizing.
I'm the one who saved you.
If it weren't for me, you'd be on the floor right now, choking out your last breath.
But even as that resentful thought flickered through me, watching Tia wail in Irina's arms made my chest feel like it was being torn apart.
It was all my fault.
The unavoidable reality had been shoved right in front of me.
I wanted to die.
"Hnngh. Hnngh. Mmmmm...."
Tia, who had sobbed without pause for the entire time she was being held, was still hiccupping even as she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep. Looking at that angelic face, the regret came flooding in. What kind of child spits out an apology first, in a situation like that? There couldn't be a kinder child in this whole world than Tia.
The moment I realized that, the guilt grew even heavier, pressing down on my chest.
I gently stroked Tia's horns, tucked the blanket over her, and rose to my feet. My legs didn't want to carry me. If it were up to my heart, I would have curled up around Tia and fallen asleep alongside her. But I still had things left to do, so I left the house.
The moment I noticed a strangely acrid smell in the air, there was Irina, leaning against the wall and smoking. Unable to meet her eyes, I sidled over as sneakily as I could.
"So? What was that all about?"
"....What was what?"
"What happened between you two while I was out cold."
"......."
Thud.
I kicked away a pebble underfoot and clamped my mouth shut. Where was I supposed to begin, and where end? I had no idea. I was trying to sort it out, but my mind was so hopelessly tangled I felt like I was going crazy. Had I always been this dense?
'Your daughter's saliva is actually the deadliest poison in existence, and you drank a bit of it and nearly died. But my blood is a divine elixir, so it healed you. See? Simple, right? Got it?'
It was so absurd I almost laughed out loud at nothing. To tell her that story, I'd inevitably have to reveal to Irina that I was the Saintess. Being hunted by the Church, there was nothing stupider than increasing the number of people who knew my true identity.
"Haah...."
My legs gave out and I sank to the ground. With a soft swish of fabric beside me, Irina crouched down. She said nothing—just sat there quietly, burning away a cigarette for nothing. It was her way of saying she'd wait.
If I left her be any longer she'd smoke through an entire pack, so I finally opened my mouth. I was worried about Irina's lungs, after all.
"You weren't asleep."
"Hm? Then what was it?"
"I was dying...."
"What?"
"I only found out recently, but Tia's bodily fluids seem to act as a poison on people. A lethal poison, even in the tiniest dose."
"I've never swallowed Tia's saliva before.... Oh."
Irina's words caught in her throat as some likely suspect came to mind. She looked quite shaken.
"I got some recovery potions from the Church earlier. That's what managed to save you, as it happened."
"Th-that's what it was? Really? Tia's saliva is poison? Is that just how demons are?"
"Yeah.... I guess so...."
"Oh, I see. I had no idea."
Of course you had no idea.
Because it's all garbage.
The lies kept ballooning like a snowball rolling downhill. I hadn't learned about Tia's saliva recently. It wasn't a demonic trait. I hadn't gotten recovery potions from the Church. From beginning to end, my excuse was nothing but lies.
'It's fine. By the time it all comes out, I'll have run away.'
I know. I know these are nothing but flimsy lies that will all come to light someday. So my plan is to run, once the conditions are right. Leaving the Boss, Sasha, and Irina all behind—just me and Tia, alone together.
Ah. Right—after I've dealt with that bastard, the Hero, first.
"Did Tia know? That her own saliva is poison?"
"No...."
"Ha. So instead of telling her, you just blew up at her out of nowhere? At a child who knew nothing? That's straight-up grounds for losing your mom card, you know."
"I know. I know I'm an idiot, okay...."
Grounds for losing my mom card?
I never wanted to pass the mom exam in the first place. I never even wanted to be a mom.
I clutched my head and buried my forehead in my knees. Thank god Irina had pulled through—if she'd died, I might have never been able to forgive Tia. Might have come to resent the poor girl for something that was entirely my own fault.
"You know what? The second I raised my voice, Tia apologized. Do you get that? I was the one at fault. Me. Everything was my fault, and...."
"Exactly how much have you been snapping at that kid that an apology comes flying out of her on reflex?"
Was that true?
Had I scolded Tia too much all this time?
Had I cursed too freely in front of her?
Was that what had made Tia so timid?
One heartbeat later, the guilt swelled up in a wave and tears came pouring out.
"Hnngh. R-really....? Was I too harsh on her?"
"N-no, that was a joke, so stop crying. You never once yell at her—I've watched you long enough to know. Tia is just... the kid's too smart. She figured out that saying sorry makes a scary situation end faster."
"I glared at Tia like she was a murderer and screamed at her. I pinned all my own faults onto her. I hurt her. What do I do, Irina? What am I supposed to do? I don't want Tia to haaate meeeee...."
A man crying is nothing but an ugly sight.
And yet I couldn't hold the tears back no matter what. As much as I resented Tia, I couldn't stand the thought of Tia resenting me. It was a mindset so disgusting it made me want to vomit.
Irina wrapped her arms around me.
"It's okay. Children forget everything in no time at all."
"Don't scary memories stay with them a long time?"
"They forget those too. Bet you anything she wakes up and comes bounding over with that innocent little smile again."
"R-really?"
"Of course. That said, you still have to apologize. When Tia wakes up, the two of you make up. And tell her properly about her body's traits—so she can be careful on her own."
"Okay.... But how do I make up with her....?"
How to reconcile with your daughter—how would I ever know? Even more so with a daughter who could wield complex vocabulary at two months old. I desperately needed advice from a veteran of child-rearing.
"First, buy her a doll."
"A doll?"
"Come to think of it, Tia doesn't own a single doll, does she? Buy her one. Give it to her and make up with her that way."
"Will that really fix things?"
"Absolutely. It's a gift from the mom she loves most in the world. For a kid, it's the greatest gift there is—something she can hug when you're not around, holding onto the thought of you."
"......."
The mom she loves most in the world....
Maybe I had never once considered things from Tia's side. To me, Tia was nothing but a burden—a byproduct that dredged up painful memories. But to Tia, I was everything.
Her entire world.
Only then did I truly begin to grasp what I had done to Tia.
My chest ached all the more for it.
"Quick. I want to go buy a doll, quickly. Before Tia wakes up...."
"Want help picking one out?"
Splat.
I stepped on the hem of my own skirt and pitched forward—and a pretty hand was thrust out in front of my face. I looked up at Irina for a moment, then, as if in a trance, took her hand.
"Yeah...."
Today of all days, Irina seemed to shine just a little brighter.
Female-pattern hair loss, maybe?