The Illuminati's Metric Gospel Conquers Prussia
The meter system championed by the Illuminati found a different kind of welcome in Prussia.
"This... is enlightenment."
Prussia's embrace of the metric system didn't come through political organizations. It spread gradually among intellectual circles in salons and the like. The fledgling Enlightenment society known as the Illuminati declared France's meter system the very essence of modern rationalism and began to revere it as such.
"Let us cast out the insidious yard-pound and embrace the upright metric!"
Thousands of Illuminati members—nobles, clergy, and bourgeois—began proselytizing the metric system across Prussia.
"This shipment weighs about 33,000 pounds."
"Hmm. At half a kilogram per pound, that's a tariff of 1,650 francs. Since the cargo exceeds fifteen tons, we'll need to rent a large warehouse."
A certain baron’s third son, working as a port customs officer, slapped massive surcharges on any units besides the metric, squeezing the shipping merchants mercilessly.
"Pardon? My lord, I've heard of the metric system too. Shouldn't one pound be 453 grams?"
"Zero point four five three five nine two kilograms, you mean? Shall I let you calculate it yourself?"
"Just make it fifteen tons."
"Move it to a small warehouse. Tariff's 1,500 francs."
The Illuminati's financial pressure tactics triggered dramatic changes across all of Prussia. Merchants had no choice but to calculate in meters and kilograms if they wanted to turn a profit.
"Ugh, this is such a hassle. If it's pounds, just keep it pounds. Why convert to kilograms? The units feel so rigid... Doesn't it make you feel kinda embarrassed to use them upfront? Like you're showing off or something..."
Of course, there were complaints.
"I know someone who has access to the palace. Want me to put in a word?"
A few bold souls even tried to push back against the Illuminati's overreach.
"Ah, the clerk. What brings you here?"
"Colonel Karl, isn't it? It's about some relatives of mine in trade. The customs officials keep forcing the metric system on them..."
"Let me take a look."
But their protests never crossed the threshold of the council chamber.
"Ten percent? Doesn't that variance depend on the scale? This fellow's tariff actually went down with the metric—shouldn't he be grateful? Why complain?"
"Is that so? Now that you mention it, yeah..."
The Illuminati were far more formidable than they seemed.
"I've heard things have been noisy lately about this metric business."
Even so, the metric enforcement campaign couldn't evade the eyes of Frederick II. Prussia wasn't a nation that could be puppeteered by some upstart Enlightenment club, no matter how determined.
"It's just minor growing pains from clamping down on civilian tricks. The vague pound unit was perfect for tariff evasion, but the metric pins it down in one stroke. Naturally, the shady merchants are grumbling."
Of course, even Frederick II had Illuminati whispering in his ear.
"Is that so? Give me some prime examples."
"The most common is carriages. Take a British-made one at 2,500 pounds. Until now, we'd roughly calculate the carriage at 2,500 pounds and levy a tariff on 125 pounds' worth of value. But since the pound lacks a precise standard, the same weight varied from measurement to measurement. We'd approximate the tariff accordingly, but merchants are hypersensitive to their losses—plenty of undercharges, never over."
"So you're saying the metric prevents tax evasion."
"Precisely. It's already clawed back rightful Prussian revenue from those lowlifes—up two percent just this week. We haven't applied it to civilian or general taxes yet, so no seismic shifts, but full rollout could plug leaks like this tariff fiasco across the board."
They disguised what could have been seen as state meddling as simple tax justice, slipping past Frederick II's scrutiny.
"Excellent. Replicate the meter prototype and trial the metric system in Brandenburg alone. Collect this year's taxes there in kilogram units."
"Your Majesty is most perspicacious."
With Frederick II's blessing, the Illuminati no longer skulked in the shadows. Backed by the king, they surfaced and ramped up their activities.
An Illuminati-affiliated cleric wasted no time granting the metric a righteous mantle through his sermons as civilian adoption began.
"Mr. Gottfried. You claim 350 yards from your front gate is your land? Which yard is this—the local lord's? Roman? Berlin? Old Berlin, perhaps? Or the land registry standard? Or the yard from the old registry office before relocation? The min-max spread is a whopping six percent. And sometimes they use the minimum in actual records. Hmm. Highly suspicious. We'll need to verify you're farming exactly that much registered land. This is just due diligence for honest state revenue—submit meekly if you're aboveboard."
Preliminary judges at land registries grilled landowners who came complaining, escalating unit disputes into full-blown legal battles.
"Survey complete. You've padded your acreage considerably. No excuses—appeal to the high court if you like. Talk there."
Land measured precisely by metric standards turned out ten percent larger than the yard-pound minimums. The now-tax-evading landlords faced immediate high court indictments. Illuminati judges there pounced, demanding decades of back taxes. Wealthy as the landlords were, they didn't have hundreds of thousands of francs in cash lying around. Illuminati treasury officials seized their lands on tax evasion pretexts, converting them to state property.
Preliminary judges in Brandenburg used the precedent to target yard-pound diehards with investigations, funneling them to high court. In just three weeks, three thousand hectares of farmland were nationalized.
"Splendid. Utterly splendid. What more is there to say?"
Frederick II gazed upon the three thousand hectares of state land with deep satisfaction. A mere 0.01 percent of Brandenburg, true—but reclaimed all the same. And usable land at that, ripe from decades of landlord stewardship.
"Extend the land audits nationwide?"
An Illuminati high official tested the waters.
"No. Finish Brandenburg first."
"Your Majesty, what of the preliminary judges who acted so decisively on these concealments?"
Frederick II instantly recognized the pitch. But it didn't irk him. Vulgar types were transparent—at least you knew where you stood.
"What do they want?"
"They'd be content just serving the state diligently."
"Establish a Land Audit Office under the Kingdom Treasury Directorate. Hire them as official bureaucrats. That suffice?"
"We are astonished by Your Majesty's mercy."
This was Frederick II's safety valve. No fool, he had long sniffed out some shadowy group—the Illuminati, though he didn't know the name exactly—burrowing into Prussia to hawk the metric. But the wealth and efficiency they delivered outweighed the suspicion.
To him, the Land Audit Office was a trash bag for contingencies: a clean sack to let them chase results and keep them leashed. If no trouble, a gift of land. If problems arose, tie it shut and toss in the incinerator.
"Whatever. Bring efficiency, money, land. That's your job."
"We live to serve Your Majesty's will."
The Illuminati members recognized the leash. But their goal wasn't politics—it was enlightenment. They gladly wore Frederick II's collar and redoubled metric propagation.
"Ahem. My trading's made my German rusty—do you speak English by chance?"
Occasionally a suspiciously fluent English-speaking sailor bought meters and kilogram weights in bulk, but the Illuminati ignored it. Spreading the metric was the goal, by any means.
"We must look to France and learn. Kings patronize, scholars research. That is the light nation's beacon for the coming age of light."
Feeling their Prussian influence solidified, the Illuminati set sights on France.
"My son. Go to France. As intellectuals, we have a duty to enlighten this world. Go. Learn. Enlighten France's dark corners, then move to other lands and enlighten them too."
"Yes, Father."
Driven by conviction to usher in an age of shining reason from the long dark, they sent their children to study in France. Scholars' sons boarded carriages to France for paternal approval or true zeal to enlighten.
And so the Illuminati spread across Europe.