The Crusades Ignite: Austria Declares War on the Ottomans, and the Habsburgs Begin to Crumble
"Honestly, you know we're not that close, right?"
The Habsburg domains were a patchwork of fragmented fiefdoms stitched together by marriage alliances. In Europe's traditional marriage customs, a bride took a portion of her family's property—usually land—as her dowry to secure her person and status upon marrying. Since serfs were considered part of the estate, it was perfectly acceptable to carry off the land itself. And so the Austrian Habsburgs and Spanish Habsburgs were born. As a result, much of the Austrian Habsburg territories existed in name only, with local nobles holding the real power.
"We'll all die serving under this mad emperor."
Thus, the Habsburg feudal lords—excluding those in Austria proper—grew alarmed at Emperor Joseph II's war of prestige aimed at restoring his reputation. What they craved was the mere title of being part of the Holy Roman Empire and the Habsburg lineage, not the notoriety of a crusade.
"Monsieur Hungary. Could you help us out?"
They openly beseeched the spies roaming their lands—most of them agents from France's National Intelligence Agency.
"I'll consult with headquarters and get back to you with a firm answer."
The National Intelligence Agency operatives stalled, promising to check with the homeland.
"That's the report."
The briefing from the National Intelligence Agency concluded.
"Shall we exert some influence? Now that we've expanded the mints, we could print ten million francs a day across all of France if we really pushed it."
Ten million brass coins.
"Where'd we get the raw materials?"
"You mean the technology? Or the brass and mercury?"
Hm?
"I'd like to hear about both."
"We stole the pure zinc extraction method from Britain. It involves sealing a container with fireclay and liquefying zinc vapor."
Hmm. Good thing we kept Britain around. We'll have to keep pilfering their tech.
"And the raw materials?"
"Zinc comes from the newly annexed Austrian Low Countries—the Belgique region, named after the Roman province. Copper and iron we bought from Sweden. Mercury was bartered from Spain in exchange for trade goods."
Europe might as well be our colony. In this era, smelting techniques were so primitive that vast amounts of ore went to waste. They'd dissolve 99.9% of copper ore containing just 4% copper and 0.1% gold in acid to extract the gold. For the sake of future generations, it was wiser to preserve domestic resources.
"Three hundred million francs could tear Austria into at least four pieces. Shall we proceed?"
This was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, no doubt. But something about it rubbed me the wrong way.
"Tearing it up would just make the map look messy."
I'd finally consolidated northern Germany into six neat chunks. Fragmenting the lands below it didn't sit right. Besides, central and eastern Europe were Prussia's domain now. If we shredded Austria and Prussia gobbled up central Europe for free, that would sting. We'd only drawn the boundaries for them—actually helping was another matter entirely.
On the other hand, withholding support entirely would squander the French influence we'd sown in Hungary.
"We could always help Austria outright."
"How so?"
"Blow it up from the inside by making it too big."
Now that's an idea I like. A multicultural empire where ten people speak ten languages and cling to ten cultures. Time to set a precedent.
"We'll need the National Intelligence Agency's gold bullion."
*
Late April 1782, Rome. The Papal States.
"What in the world is all this?"
Pope Pius VI marveled at the hundreds of wagons rolling into the city. The 800-odd carriages entering Rome were stuffed to the brim with coin: over 500 with francs, 200 with soles, and 100 with deniers. Guarding them were 20,000 elite Swiss mercenaries.
"Your Holiness, our king of France, His Majesty Louis XVI, expressed profound sympathy for Austria's resolve to conquer the East. Though distance prevents France from committing troops directly, he insisted on showing at least minimal sincerity for this holy war by donating these funds."
France's chief envoy delivered the message, then promptly returned home, citing "respect for papal authority."
All that remained in Rome were 300 million francs and 20,000 crack mercenaries.
"First things first—let's get organized."
Pius VI ordered his secretary of state to relocate the mercenaries, who had encamped haphazardly around Rome, to proper barracks in the city. The 300 million francs in cash went into the vaults of Castel Sant'Angelo.
Once transferred to Castel Sant'Angelo, the 300 million francs flowed through the Apostolic Camera—the papal treasury—to clear overdue salaries. Officially donated as war funds, this verged on embezzlement, but no one dared object. The Papal States had to survive for papal authority to endure.
The Papal States paid the Swiss mercenaries their back wages from August 1777 onward in a lump sum.
"Our first paycheck in nearly five years!"
Colonel Altishofen and the others exchanged their papal IOUs—essentially scrip paper—for proper francs. Bound by contracts and scraping by, the papal guards now splurged with five years' pay (plus three months' interest).
"Ah, but first—gotta send money home."
Of course, they didn't forget wiring funds to their families in Switzerland. They remitted eighty percent home and blew the remaining twenty percent across Rome like water. With 20,000 fellow countrymen garrisoned nearby, they hit the taverns every other day to swap stories.
They didn't just carouse; they poured money into repairing gear, buying new weapons, and patronizing taverns, gambling dens, and brothels without restraint.
"You got a recommendation from the French king? So all 20,000 are coming here?"
"Nah, just the 800 who helped crush the Paris riots. Mercs like us? Straight to the Ottoman front. You guards should see some real action too, instead of babysitting."
The Swiss mercenaries assembled at the Rome garrison drank with the papal guard, trading tales.
"Yeah, who knows when they'll stiff us again... One wall assault, then retirement."
The cash they dumped into the economy paid off debts or flowed to other shops. Jewish moneylenders, relieved by the payout, resumed lending freely.
"The Pope called us heretics? When? Ugh, burn those unbelievers."
Money began circulating, reviving Rome's economy overnight.
"Now we can throw our weight around with the other powers."
"But isn't this French money?"
True enough—they could never defy France. Before, their weakened authority barred meddling abroad; now, France held their leash. As long as Louis XVI—who'd bestowed this grace—lived, the Papacy would grovel no matter what France demanded.
But that was France's prerogative.
"Prussia! Return to Catholicism from your Protestant heresy!"
"England! Cease meddling in Ireland!"
"Spain! Stop interfering in Papal appointments!"
They could bluster at other European states.
"A nation's faith is part of its sovereignty."
"Cease meddling in the Papal States or our realm."
"Got proof?"
Of course, this didn't grant real power. But the Papacy was content; they'd been voiceless before.
"Austria! Seizing church property challenges the faith itself!"
And most crucially:
"Indeed. Our nobles shall demonstrate respect for the Church."
They could still bully weaker states than the Papal States.
"All Christians of Europe! Gather under the Cross!"
Leveraging 270 million francs from France (after skimming 30 million as tithes), the Papacy escalated Austria's Ottoman campaign into a full-blown crusade.
Austria, which had launched the southern conquest for internal stability, chafed at the Pope's intrusion. Yet they couldn't refuse.
"Drive the crescent moon from Europe!"
As Roman Catholics, rejecting the call would taint their religious purity. That would evaporate what little authority remained, splintering Habsburg fiefdoms.
"Fight under the Cross for Austria. The Papacy shall shield you under the Cross."
Austria swallowed massive postwar concessions and accepted. It wasn't pure loss, though. The vague "southern expansion" gained the ironclad justification of a papal crusade, plus 240 million francs from France (skimmed again at tithe time)—elevating pipe dreams to feasible plans.
Above all, the "crusade" label lured minor states near Austria to send aid troops for the glory.
"Italian forces are another story."
Austria, burned by Italian mercenaries in the recent Hundred Days' War, wanted to refuse—but the Pope's cry drowned them out: "Gather under the Cross!"
What began as Austria's war to quell domestic unrest had become a crusade to stir all Europe's hearts.