Estates-General, At Attention!
1775 May 10, France, Versailles Palace.
The Estates-General had been convened for the first time in 161 years.
First Estate representative: Paris Archbishop Christophe de Beaumont du Roc.
Second Estate representative: Duke of Orléans, Louis Philippe I.
Third Estate representative: Honoré Gabriel Riqueti, affectionately known as Mirabeau.
In truth, there were no official positions as estate representatives. They were simply the most famous or influential figures from the First, Second, and Third Estates.
Christophe de Beaumont du Roc's name was so long it was confusing, but it basically unpacked to "Christophe of the Beaumont family from the Roc estate" in proper French style.
The Third Estate's Mirabeau rang a vague bell from middle school world history...
Wait a second—that guy at the edge of the Third Estate, is that Robespierre? Why the hell is he here?
Anyway, the reason for convening the Estates-General...
"Before we begin the Estates-General, allow me to explain the occasion for this assembly. I am France's Comptroller-General of Finances, Terray."
What else? Taxes, of course.
The First Estate gazed indifferently at the center of the hall, the Second fiddled about with distractions, and the Third fidgeted anxiously.
"This Estates-General has been called to discuss the current state of France's finances and potential solutions. Let us begin with the First Estate."
With the First Estate called upon, their representative, Archbishop Beaumont, spoke.
"The First Estate will not oppose secular authority. However, the First Estate already contributes sufficiently to France's secular needs. Moreover, we believe the donations and tithes we receive are already conscientious relative to our contributions. Next."
The Second Estate's representative, Louis Philippe I, then spoke.
"Recent measures like the lit de justice are mere short-sighted ploys to win popular favor, demanding harsh treatment disproportionate to the contributions of the First and Second Estates. There may be some worldly clerics or degenerate nobles, but that is their personal failing, not the inherent nature of the estates. The First and Second Estates are not devils but humans. The First fulfills its role adequately, and the Second does the same. Last year, Your Majesty's lit de justice led to demobilization that targeted noble officers almost exclusively. The army's size was maintained, but its leadership was gutted. This is a ploy to strip the Second Estate of its essential role as 'the fighters.' We beseech Your Majesty to rescind last year's demobilization."
Straw man arguments, euphemisms, minimization, fabricated enemies, and topic evasion—all in one. In modern times, someone might even fall for it in an online flame war. But this was an era where people agonized over how to subtly screw each other over with polite words. Such shallow tricks were seen through by blunt, direct speech.
It was a clear challenge to the king, so I raised my hand to cut off the Duke of Orléans.
"I understand the Second Estate's views well enough. But this Estates-General is about taxes. Whatever your thoughts, speak of taxes first."
Above all, any vague compromise leading to a reversal would let the First and Second Estates gain momentum and weaken royal authority. Estates like these needed periodic stomping to make them easier to crush later.
As my words ended, the Duke of Orléans returned to his seat with a face full of dissatisfaction.
When the Third Estate's turn came, Mirabeau rose and began his address.
"We of the Third Estate support all reforms undertaken by His Majesty the King."
With that, Mirabeau and the Third Estate delegates pulled stacks of books and papers from their pockets and bags, piling them beside him.
"Your Majesty, these are the petitions gathered from the entire Third Estate of France over the two months since the announcement of this Estates-General."
"Bring them forward."
The clerk went to the Third Estate benches and retrieved several sheets of paper or parchment petitions.
The petitions ranged from reasonable proposals to purely philosophical ideals.
A total of 62,287 petitions. Comprising 67 volumes of books and 4,700 sheets of paper. The voice of the Third Estate, silenced for 161 years.
"Your Majesty, as a proud French citizen, I propose voting by head and equal taxation through this Estates-General."
Mirabeau's voice echoed through the hall. Famous as an orator—diaphragmatic breathing, no doubt.
"I understand all your views. We shall review every petition, so the Estates-General is adjourned for two days."
The Third Estate representatives beamed, exchanging glances.
"We obey. Thank you for hearing the voice of the people, Your Majesty."
Of course, reading all 62,000 was impossible. But no choice. Every extra one read kept the guillotine farther away.
Not out of pure goodwill. Reading them would reveal this era's common sense and the daily struggles of French commoners. One stone, two birds. Or win-win?
1775 May 10, near Versailles Palace tennis court, early afternoon.
"Robespierre, you're awfully lucky. Invited to the Estates-General after 161 years."
"Yes. I was too young originally, but the Comptroller-General recommended me."
"Haha, indeed. Our Majesty is boldly unconventional in many ways. He doesn't obsess over class, so age is trivial to him."
As Robespierre and Mirabeau shared personal impressions of the Estates-General, the Third Estate representatives gathered at the tennis court one by one, launching into their own oratory.
"Since we're here, let's align our positions like the First and Second Estates."
"Robespierre, have you lost your mind?"
"No. Those nobles and clerics oppress us yet feign sympathy every time. At least within the Third Estate, let's coordinate opinions in advance."
The Third Estate representatives nodded in impressed agreement, mingled with concern.
"Let's start with the tax system. In my view..."
"No, that would unfairly harm provincial artisans."
Debates on the tennis court heated up, dramatic compromises emerged, and like-minded groups shifted positions to confer. By late afternoon, clear factions had formed within the Third Estate.
"Equality for all is obvious; classes and layers beyond are all wrong."
Robespierre's group gathered on the left side of the tennis court.
"That's going too far. Classes may vanish, but layers won't."
Jacques Pierre Brissot's group assembled on the right.
As sunset approached, they swore an oath on the tennis court.
"Constitutional monarchy, voting by head, and fair taxation for all estates. These we must secure without fail."
Thus, the Tennis Court Accord was sealed.
"Speaking of which, our views align well. Factions may split later, so shall we name ours now?"
"Agreed. Robespierre, you proposed it—name them."
Robespierre, flustered by Brissot's counter-suggestion, calmly proposed a 'value-neutral' faction name.
"We were on the left of the tennis court, so the Left. Your side on the right, the Right. How's that?"
Left and Right. Intuitive, profound factions.
1775 May 12, France, Versailles Palace.
"I have reviewed all the reform petitions from the Third Estate. But they are impossible."
Most Third Estate delegates recoiled as if betrayed.
"This is not disregard for the Third Estate, but reality. Look at this."
Nothing new. It felt like something worth prodding at every chance.
"A petition to distribute one loaf of bread daily to every person in France. Do you truly think this feasible?"
The First Estate nodded quietly in agreement, the Second vigorously, and the Third was split—some agreeing, others whispering to neighbors in confusion.
"For those who don't understand, I shall explain. One loaf costs 1 sou. 20 loaves per livre. Prices have risen with recent poor harvests, but in normal times, that's the rate. Correct?"
The First and Second eyed each other warily, while the Third, puzzled but nodding along.
Communism didn't fail for nothing.
I pressed on without waiting.
"Do you know how many live in France? Some 25 million souls. One loaf each means 25 million loaves daily. 9.125 billion annually. Over 9 billion loaves! Common sense dictates this is impossible. And where to source them? It all boils down to transport and labor costs. Above all, free bread from the state breeds idlers who eat only that and work none. A healthy nation needs a healthy structure. Harsh as it is, the struggle for survival ennobles humanity. The desire to live better than others—the élan vital of life itself—elevates us. Third Estate representatives, does this suffice?"
As I finished, they scribbled my words furiously in notebooks, then whispered exchanges.
Mirabeau then stepped forward with his oratory.
"Your Majesty, that was profoundly... revolutionary."
What? This is spicy?
"That life is driven not by heaven, but human desire—we shall remember it well."
After Mirabeau, the First and Second Estates spoke in turn.
"Your Majesty, as faithful Christians, we cannot accept that statement. All is God's design and intent. There are no purposeless impulses. Everything is part of divine order. Are you not viewing the world too fragmentarily?"
"Your Majesty, we nobles are devout Christians first. Did not You receive divine right from God Himself?"
Ha... Estates-General. All at attention.