Just Fun and Games for Haemu
This is a story from way back — from the days when I was holed up in my office, right in the thick of my Murim Conqueror glory days.
Brrriiiiiing—
A tacky old ringtone went echoing through the dark office, and...
"Uh... what."
— "W-well... you see, we were wondering if perhaps..."
Click—
The instant I cut off a call that reeked of hassle from its very first syllable, the ringtone went off again.
Brrriiiiiing—
"What!"
— "We've got a problem on our hands, and we were hoping you could help..."
Click—
Who gives a ringing phone the time of day in the middle of a gaming session? I flipped it to silent and went back to staring holes through my monitor.
How much time slipped by like that, I couldn't tell you...
Knock knock—
"Boss, you have a visitor?"
"A visitor? What visitor...?"
The moment I cracked my eyes open and looked toward the door, the very man who'd been hammering my phone earlier barged straight in and dropped to his knees on the spot.
THUD—
"Please, we need your help! If this goes on, we're all going to die!"
Had he taken a masterclass in begging somewhere? Forehead mashed against the floor, whining his heart out — I heaved a deep sigh and asked,
"Haah... what the hell is it this time?"
The man lifted his head by careful degrees and ventured gingerly...
"W-well... a gate has opened. A monstrously huge one, and the thing inside it is... beyond what we can handle..."
"A gate? However big a gate gets, just how big can it possibly be? What's with all the pandemonium?"
"If you turn on the television, you'll see exactly why I'm in this state."
At that, I scooped the remote up from wherever it had flopped and clicked the TV on...
"...What the hell is that."
"The size is one thing, but the real problem is what's inside — the thing is calamity-class, so every superhuman worth the name has already been thrown at it."
"Huh... and?"
"It's humanoid, granted, but it won't communicate and all it wants is to smash everything in sight. So in the end it has to be put down, but..."
"Put down?"
"We can't come up with an answer. I know full well it's a terrible imposition, but that's what brings me here like this..."
It wasn't a pretty sight, this fluffy-haired fellow making the saddest face in creation as he pleaded with me, and...
"Then seal it away, obviously. Like the one that turned up in the Arctic — truss the whole thing up and call it a day."
At my earnest advice, he pulled a face on the verge of tears and pressed on.
"We tried sealing it. It isn't holding. Please — I'm begging you — won't you come with us?"
"Where was all this energy when you told me to live out my days quiet as a dead mouse? And now you come crawling back? I'm a busy man... go find somebody else."
"If you help us just this once, we will do anything in our power! If it's blood you want, you can drain me dry — please..."
"Yeah, I quit drinking blood. Quit a long, long time ago."
"Then how about money, at least..."
"I have plenty of money already?"
"Th-then we could at least hold a commendation ceremony, erect a statue in your honor..."
"Oh, give me a break. What am I supposed to do with something I can't even eat?"
"Sh-shall I do a striptease for you right here, then?"
"GET OUT!!!"
Crash—
With that, I hurled an ashtray at him and chased him out the door.
"Everybody, out of the way!!!"
After all that rigmarole, I did end up stepping through the gate, the man beside me bellowing himself hoarse to clear a path.
The countless people gathered for the subjugation effort scrambled aside in one great wave, reenacting the parting of the Red Sea...
And as I advanced down the freshly opened road, someone ahead began to come into view — raising a one-man noise-pollution crisis, whooping it up in a gleeful, unhinged frenzy.
KABOOOM—
It had a human being clutched in each hand and was swinging them around at random. I was staring at the spectacle, dumbfounded, when...
"That is the Behemoth."
He explained it to me in a voice kinder than a call-center worker's, so I rolled my neck left and right and said,
"Tsk... tell them all to fall back. I'm opening with one good hit first."
"ALL OF YOU, FALL BACK!!!"
The instant the people standing in that monster's human-skinned way scattered, I flung out a colossal crimson spear, three times my height at the very least.
WHAM—
The spear tore through the air with a sonic boom and nailed it dead center in the chest.
At the sight, the man murmured...
"Did it die...?"
Brushing aside the resurrection chant drifting in from beside me, I smacked my lips and said,
"Hmph... freaking sturdy, this thing."
"Hah... hah... ...freaking sturdy, this thing."
Jinmu gasped between words, muttering with his dignity long forgotten.
"All done now? Then it's my turn to hit you, 'kay?"
At the sight of Haemu beaming sunnily as she curled her fist shut, the sweat came pouring off him — he had frightened himself before he even knew it...
CRACK—
Her bare fist, carrying not a single scrap of qi, smashed into his sword wound tight with hardened gang qi, and a groan spilled out of Jinmu.
"Khhhh....."
Very well — concede a hundred times over that a man can eat a sword-qi strike and walk away in one piece.
But when hardened qi collides head-on with a human body, what in the world is that body made of, for his own sword to be the thing that cracks?
When a Qingcheng disciple who'd been howling for vengeance over his eldest sect brother was said to have been grabbed by her and swung around like a human cudgel, he had laughed it off.
When word came that the boy touted as Mount Hua's next sect leader had his blade smashed to pieces by a single punch, he had sneered at the fool for neglecting his sword maintenance.
But now that such a fate had arrived on his own doorstep, Jinmu could feel his heart buckling, little by little...
Unable to make heads or tails of this bizarre, hopelessly one-sided duel, Dang Giyeong turned to his young master.
"Young Master, is that even possible?"
At the question, I beckoned him in close and whispered my answer...
"Gang qi was never going to work on her to begin with. If you want to catch her with a blade, your only option is carving apart the space she's standing in — the whole thing, in one cut."
"Oooooh....."
Elbowing fun at Jinmu as his expression curdled by the second, I spectated the duel in the merriest of moods, snickering all the while.
Too proud to surrender, apparently — the sight of him clinging to a sword one blow from bursting apart, hands trembling like leaves, was honestly hilarious.
"Teeheehee... teeheehee..."
"That's our Haemu! Best there is!"
Watching her cheerfully whale on the Jinmu fellow — who had by now graduated from pitiable to downright tragic — the Sword Saint clapped and cheered like a man at a festival.
Where on earth had that old codger even picked her up...
No... then again, perhaps it was a blessing in disguise that he'd scooped her up and raised her as a granddaughter-disciple in the first place.
Watching a creature that, once fully matured, could quite handily deliver the end of the world giggling her way through a formal duel, my feelings were complicated in any number of ways...
"Bae Haemu, you've got this! Press the attack! That's it!!!"
And so I cheered her on with tremendous enthusiasm.
That went on for roughly one incense stick of time.
With his sword in pieces, the Jinmu fellow came charging bare-fisted as if he'd gone out of his mind...
No — more likely he was burning with a warrior's stubborn creed to gum his meals when the teeth are gone, and so he flung himself at her with nothing but his fists.
Fwump—
In the end, her fist — swung in a great sweeping arc — caught his chin, and he flopped face-down into the dirt, unconscious in the single ugliest posture this world has ever seen.
"The winner is Bae Haemu!!!"
"WAAAAAAAH!!!"
Clap clap clap clap clap—
The moment the victory declaration left the Sword Queen's lips, applause and cheering came pouring down from every direction...
"Master! I won again!!!"
"Ooof.... you did well, Haemu."
The Sword Saint wheezed as he caught her flinging herself at him, her laughter bright and clear as spring water, and stroked her hair with all the tenderness in the world.
Though judging by how his free hand had migrated straight to the small of his back, the man appeared to have thrown it out.
"Good grief — at his age, if he does real damage to that back, it's all over for him..."
I shook my head at the sight of that elephant-in-a-girl's-body creature grinding a doddering old man's spine into dust.
A short while later...
I stepped up onto the dueling platform wearing the most benevolent face in the world.
"Well, well... we meet again. How nice, hmm?"
"Haha... and I, too, am glad to see you again, Benefactor Muyeong."
Just how much sweat had the man shed? Tanhyeon's head, which ought to have been gleaming bone-dry, was instead putting on a grand display of glistening, dew-shined scalp.
"Hm... why don't you wipe that sweat off first? I can wait that much, at least."
"Ah, thank you. Then, if you would excuse me for a moment....."
Something told me that whacking that head would leave my own palm just as damp, so I granted him time to dry off.
"My lord, you must win!"
In the meantime, I waved back at the crowd below sending up their fervent cheers, and before long the Sword Queen spoke.
"Are you both ready?"
"Yes!"
"Then..."
Flutter—
The moment the Sword Queen's sleeve swept down, I pounced at Tanhyeon with the wickedest of grins.
"Heh heh hehhh..."
At the sight of Dang Muyeong swooping down on him with a face more ferocious than a vajra guardian statue, Tanhyeon opened his mouth to shout—
"I surr—!!!"
Mmph—
"Nope... Not happening. What kind of warrior folds that easily?"
With his mouth sealed under my palm, the man was made to donate the crown of his head to the cause.
Smack— smack— smack— smack—
For a good while after that, the dueling platform rang with a sound not unlike someone tenderizing a cut of meat...
"Dang Muyeong — victor!!!"
"Ahhh... refreshing. All that heartburn I'd been carrying these past days just dissolved in one go."
The crowd stretched out their stiff shoulders, sending up cheers and congratulatory applause for the Mad Blood Ghost as he made his way down from the platform...
And sent up consoling applause for Tanhyeon as he trundled down the steps, sniffling over eyes rimmed red.
"Sniffle..."
"My lord! You were magnificent! The rhythm that rang out was as beautiful as the drummers at an imperial banquet — everyone must have been awestruck!"
"Baekhwa, kiddo... that's going a bit far....."
"See? I must have a gift for music. Even an impromptu performance comes out sounding like a proper melody."
Drenched under an endless shower of congratulations, I was busy giving myself the shivers over this brand-new talent I'd apparently discovered today.
"Eish... so in the end, Muyeong, you little rascal — tomorrow it's you against Haemu. Tsk....."
At the sight of me, the Sword Saint clicked his tongue with maximum disapproval, seized me, and started dragging me off.
"Baekhwa! Sis! See you tomorrow, then!"
And so I found myself hauled off like a sack of rice, flailing my hand in a farewell wave all the while.
Of course, someone watching the whole spectacle from a distance was grinding their teeth to powder.
"Sword Saint... so you were the true culprit behind this whole spectacle. Why, I wonder, would one who had walked away from the murim choose to reappear only now, kicking up such a storm..."
Bulseong's misunderstanding was deepening by the minute.
Meanwhile, atop a certain lofty peak in Henan, someone was glancing around in bewilderment...
"Hmhm... I could've sworn this was Mount Song, but something's mighty strange here."
Guided by memory alone, Paeng Juhon had made his way to Mount Song, home of the Shaolin Temple — but on a mountain with neither temple nor so much as a single hermitage in sight, he was busily hunting for a Shaolin that simply wasn't there.
"Hooo... Shaolin can hardly have gone and moved itself in the meantime. Reckon old age has finally caught up with me....."
Lamenting the fickleness of the years, he took in the scenery for a spell before setting his feet in motion once more, toward somewhere or other.
Roughly half a day until the Saber King's arrival.