The Innkeeper Wants to Cry
"Young Master! Please, calm down first—"
"I am calm. Now everyone, get your hands off my clothes."
"Really...? Everyone, release him."
"Squad Leader... do we truly release him?"
"He has calmed down for now. Let go."
CRASH! CLATTER-CLATTER—!
"Hey! Grab him again! Grab his pant leg at the very least!"
"Still not letting go? You bastards... who outranks who here—your Squad Leader, or me?"
"Young Master... please, don't do this. Just endure it a little longer."
"These bastards, I swear..."
In an inn sitting along a quiet stretch of road in Shaanxi, a shouting match was raging loud enough to rouse every sleeping bird for miles around in the dead of night.
CRRAAASH—!
"Aigoo... Innkeeper, my sincerest apologies. It looks like there's more to be broken, so hold onto this for now, and if it runs short, speak to me come morning."
"I-it's... quite all right."
The deputy leader of the Green Heaven Squad sighed at the sight of the already half-demolished establishment as he handed over a silver ingot, and the innkeeper—gazing upon the most thoroughly wrecked inn of his entire life—swallowed his tears as he accepted it.
"It's not as if I'm going to kill anybody! I'm just going to go look the Hao Sect's Hubei branch director in the face, that's all!"
"Young Master, your face at this moment looks fit to devour a man whole and still have room for seconds. Do you hear yourself?"
"Then let go before I start chewing on you lot instead!!!"
Krrrk—craaack—
"Aigoo, the pillar...!"
When the pillar that had come down through four generations since his great-grandfather's day without so much as a hairline crack began splitting along its length, the innkeeper's legs gave out beneath him and he sank to the floor where he stood...
"Ahem... one ingot clearly won't cover it. Take another for the time being."
The deputy leader, heroically ignoring whatever was unfolding behind his back, kept pressing more silver into the man's hands.
"Hoo... Dushik."
"Yes... perhaps you would care to beat me to a pulp instead..."
"Dushik... Dushik... just hear me out first."
When their Young Clan Head, who had been rampaging for the better part of an hour, finally spoke in an even voice, Dang Giyeong exhaled in relief.
"Ah... yes. I am listening attentively. Everyone, bring the Young Master a chair."
"Yes....."
Thud—
I flopped into the chair one of the Green Heaven Squad members had fetched and opened my mouth...
"So. 'Flower' is an epithet you only pin on a beautiful woman, no?"
"That is correct....."
"And I'll admit my face is good enough that being called a flower doesn't, on its own, set my blood boiling."
"Then why on earth are you..."
"But apparently I what... went and touched a married woman with three kids?"
"Oh, come now... How many absurd rumors drift around the Central Plains on any given day? Why let that trouble you? Simply ignore it and be done."
I let a long sigh drift out before pressing on.
"Fine... granting everything a hundredfold—a married woman, a taste for men, even some eighty-year-old granny—I could have swallowed all of that..."
BAM—!
I brought my heel down with my full weight behind it, and splinters leapt from the floorboards.
"But THIS? That I honey-trapped that Demon Cult vermin into a daze, and then in bed... ah, fuck it!"
"Young Master, please... it is only a rumor. If you would simply display your boundless magnanimity and let it slide this once..."
"If word went around that you'd gone a round with Qin Shi Huang and crawled back out alive, would you let that slide?"
"Ha, of course not. How could anyone?"
"Then let go of me already!"
"How about you depart for Hubei after the Dragon-Phoenix Tournament concludes? We cannot possibly send you off alone, Young Master..."
"And get called Poison Flower at the Dragon-Phoenix Tournament? Even I can't promise what I might do to bury that nickname for good."
"Well, that would be a bit....."
Meanwhile, Mount Hua's third-generation disciples had withdrawn to one side, trembling like autumn leaves.
"Eldest Brother... the inn is about to come down on our heads. Should we not relocate?"
"We arranged to meet Martial Uncle Jinchol here. How are we to move elsewhere... wait a while longer."
It was then that a Mount Hua disciple named Myeonghwa—the one who had shaken like a leaf at the first sight of Dang Muyeong—whispered with great care.
"Eldest Brother, I rather think 'Serpent-Scorpion' would suit him bet—"
Mmph—!
"Shh... say such things, and this inn really will come down."
Myeongwol hastily clapped a hand over his junior sister's mouth and hissed into her ear...
"Then let's settle it that way..."
"As expected of the Young Master—truly a man of vast heart and virtue."
Thankfully, that Dang Clan Young Master's ears were not so keen as all that; he appeared not to have heard.
Having somehow hammered out a compromise among themselves, a dozen-odd martial artists had been piled atop the Poison Flower Young Clan Head; watching him wriggle free at last, Myeongwol loosed an inward sigh of relief and approached him.
"You seem calmer now. A genuine blessing the inn didn't come down."
Smiling with gratitude toward Myeongwol for delivering such vital intelligence, I cupped my fists in a salute.
"Heh heh heh... Myeongwol, my senior. I will never, ever forget this kindness."
Of course, the recipient of that salute—petrified at the sight of Dang Muyeong smiling, eyes darting every which way—could only manage:
"Think nothing of it. What kindness could there possibly be... All I ask is that you do nothing. Nothing at all. I am begging you."
In any event, the night's ruckus...
"Once the journey ends and we are on the road home, we shall somehow seize him and deliver him before you, Young Master."
...only came to an end once Dang Giyeong had pleaded like so and wrung my grudging consent.
Truth be told, the Poison Flower nickname itself had only set my blood up for a moment at first, but...
"I heard the Hao Sect was the one who pinned that name on you... as for why it took hold? Ah... you see..."
"You're telling me THAT is the reason I killed a Transcendent Realm master of the Demon Cult?"
"That is what I heard was the greatest reason the name stuck."
I had clawed my way through hell itself to kill that bastard—down to beholding my own throat with these very eyes—and the world had decided THAT was the story? The lid blew clean off.
The moment I heard that, I announced I would stop by Hubei briefly on the way up and meet them in Hebei, and made to bolt from the inn—but...
"Hey! Grab him!"
The Green Heaven Squad's leader was, strangely enough, quick on the uptake, and the entire squad swarmed my pant legs and hung on for dear life. And so the matter of demolishing the Hao Sect's Hubei branch was, for the time being, postponed.
Once that long tug-of-war finally wound down...
"Haah... haaah....."
I was still shuddering as I exhaled, slumped back against the chair, working to soothe the rage still seething in my gut, when—
"So Muyeong my friend, you truly did fight that Transcendent Realm demon and win?"
Even amid all that, the man simply could not contain his curiosity. I answered flatly.
"What, did you think we settled it with rock-paper-scissors for our lives?"
"My, my... you are a blazing one, friend, in every sense. In any case, does that mean your present realm is the Transcendent Realm?"
"If you're that curious, care to have a round right now?"
I flung the question back like a challenge, irritation dripping from every word, but Myeongwol only smiled serenely and shook his head.
"I would like to cross hands with you someday, truly... but I am of the school that holds the finest dish is meant to be saved for last. I shall look forward to the Dragon-Phoenix Tournament."
"Scared?"
"And what might 'scared' mean?"
".....It means we'll settle it another day."
"Understood. Then I ought to gather my disciples and head up as well. A good night to you."
As the Mount Hua Daoists made for the upstairs rooms, Dang Giyeong at last sidled up to me and spoke in a murmur.
"Young Master, forgive an old man's fretting, but you don't mean to speak that way to the Blade King as well, I trust?"
BAM—!
"You think I'm insane enough to talk down to a Profound Realm monster? I only talk down to people weaker than I am."
"Swallow the soft and spit out the hard... truly the Young Master through and through."
"What was that?"
"Nothing whatsoever."
THWACK—!
"AAAGH!!!!!"
For the first time in ages, I punted Dang Giyeong in the shin and roared.
"You think I can't even parse 'chew the tender, fear the tough'?! You are treating me like a complete idiot! Just die!"
"AAAGH! Young Master... my back! MY BACK!!!"
"You're the one who said 'just beat me instead' earlier! Fine—let's go until dawn!"
"Hey! Hold him back! Somebody stop the Young Master!"
And so the inn rang with screams until the sky began to pale...
"Ugh... a poison serpent, through and through. Why does Eldest Brother even take an interest in a man like that..."
Thus, for one poor soul kept sleepless by the screaming, it was a spring night on which Dang Muyeong's nickname sank its fangs deep into memory.
Perhaps because the chaos had raged until yesterday... no, until the small hours of this very morning, the people of the Dang Clan showed no sign of waking even as noon arrived...
"I seem to be a little late."
"Not at all, Martial Uncle."
"But what happened here, an earthquake? This place was in perfectly fine shape only a few months ago..."
"That is... rather a long story."
"Hmm... now that you mention it, I passed a Dang Clan carriage just up the road. Is the Dang Clan party lodging here as well?"
"Yes... they arrived yesterday, but there was a small accident in the early hours, so it seems they are still asleep."
At that, Jinchol stroked his chin for a moment before speaking...
"Well, that works out nicely. Our roads run the same way regardless, so we may as well travel together."
The instant those words left his mouth, the faces of every third-generation disciple except Myeongwol began to rot in real time.
"Martial Uncle Jinchol! That's—"
One of them hurried to interject, but...
Shuffle... shuffle—
"Haaaam..."
Speak of the tiger and it comes prowling: Dang Muyeong, the very man who had raised hell at dawn that morning, came shambling down the stairs mid-yawn.
At the sight of him, their Martial Uncle broke into a beaming smile and called out.
"So you're the Dang Clan's Young Clan Head, I take it!"
"Pardon? And you would be....."
"I am called Jinchol, Plum Blossom Swordsman of Mount Hua."
"Ah... yes. But might I ask what this is about?"
"You're all bound for Hebei as well, no?"
"We are. Though our destination is the Paeng Clan....."
"Then since we're headed to the same place regardless, how about we travel together?"
Their Martial Uncle had, with truly devilish innocence, brought up the very thing they had been silently praying he would never say...
'Please refuse. Please, please...'
...and so they prayed, each more desperately than the last.
"Well... of course. The more companions on the road, the safer the journey—so they say."
"Ha! A refreshingly forthright character. I rather like that!"
And thus the outcome they had so desperately wished to avoid became reality.
"My people are still asleep; they must be worn out... We've already lost today regardless, so let us set out early tomorrow morning instead."
"That suits me fine. There were some strange rumors circulating about you, but having spoken with you in person, I see they were all baseless gossip."
Every disciple present flinched as one.
And so it was settled: the Sichuan Dang Clan would travel together with Mount Hua.
"Dushik, we're traveling with Mount Hua."
"Pardon? Ah... yes. How fortunate. What could have come over you, Young Master—"
BAM—!
"Martial Uncle... look at him. The Young Clan Head of a prestigious great clan, resorting to such violence..."
"Everyone that age is raised on brawling and scrapping. What is there to fuss over?"
"But yesterday was truly serious, I tell you..."
"Bah... instead of spouting nonsense, go run your cultivation method one more circuit."
"Martial Uncle!"
Trivial episodes aside, time flowed on...
Before long, in the small hours of the following morning, the carriages rolled out once more for Hebei.
There was, however, one problem.....
"...and so I drew my sword right then, leveled the point at those rascals, and declared—"
A journey in the company of the Too Much Talker proved, it turned out, such an ordeal that I soon found myself yearning for the silent, dead-boring trips of days gone by.