Sometimes a Nerf Is for the Best
Thud... thud... thud... thud...
"Stop....."
In that dark chamber heaped with mountains of gold and treasure, a sound like a bowling ball slamming into the floor rang out over and over, woven together with someone's screams of anguish.
"Please... I beg you... have mercy and stop..."
"Oh dear. Still speaking so carelessly to your betters, I see. I suppose the discipline hasn't taken yet."
Thud... thud... thud... thud...
The sight of an old man hammering his own forehead into the floor at a single gesture from me might have struck any outside observer as unbearably cruel, but...
"Harder, if you please! That cursed wretch's skull needs to be cracked wide open!"
Having died once and been dragged back to life, Dang Giyeong appeared to have shed whatever human heart he once possessed; he was eagerly egging me on to keep driving the old man's head into the ground until it shattered.
"You wretched little..."
Perhaps it was the toll of all that earnest head-banging against bare earth — by now Qin Shi Huang's voice had drained of every last ounce of strength, and he glared at Giyeong with his teeth grinding audibly.
"Oh my? Young Master, that fellow's eyes are terribly insolent. I believe he hasn't had his fill of beating yet."
"You're right about that. In fact, why don't we put that head of his to use and start an expansion project right here?"
"What a splendid idea, truly."
Forced to listen to our banter as we belittled him to his face, Qin Shi Huang raised his head with great effort from where he lay prostrate on the floor and shouted at me.
"You dared deceive Us?!"
"I'm sorry — what? Hah... look at this brat. The blood on his head's barely dried and already he's this insolent..."
Even at death's door, the man played emperor to the very end, his voice climbing higher and higher. Seizing Qin Shi Huang by the hair, I spoke in a low voice.
"Hoo... And what lie, exactly, did I tell?"
"You said, most clearly, immorta—"
SMACK—
"Try again. What lie did I tell?"
"Most clearly, immorta—"
SMACK— SMACK— SMACK—
After slapping his cheeks back and forth for a good long while, I finally loosened my grip on his hair and crouched down in front of him.
"Look... I gave you exactly the immortality you asked for... The side effects are yours to stomach. What do you expect, coming to me with complaints now?"
"Th... this is fraud."
"Fraud? Hah... honestly. People never change, even after all these centuries."
FLOP—
Sitting down on the floor so that our eyes were level, I addressed him in a tired voice.
"The ones who used to beg me to save them would always, once saved, whine on and on about fraud and demand their freedom back. And — funnily enough — the ones I brought back after they were already dead only ever said thank you."
"Pardon? Is that me you're speaking of?"
"Tsk... Anyway, that's why I can't stand people like you. I know a man changes before and after a trip to the privy, but I do all this for you and all you do is throw a tantrum at me..."
"No... this is a different matter entirely..."
The arrogance of his early expression was gone without a trace; he looked outright wronged as he tried to press his case. I cut him off.
"Ha... how about shutting that mouth for a moment. Your master is speaking."
Faced with this master-and-servant act being performed on an old man well past his sixtieth year, Dang Giyeong regarded me with a face gone completely rotten. I ignored him, scratching my head as I muttered.
"Qin Shi Huang... Qin Shi... Qinshik... Chunshik... Chunshik?"
Perhaps he glimpsed his own future, for Qin Shi Huang shook his head frantically side to side, but...
"Thy name, from this day forth, shall be Chunshik."
His mouth forcibly sealed by Dang Muyeong — who had renamed him on a whim — unable to pry it open even in protest, he surrendered to reality, and a single tear rolled down his cheek.
At the sight, Dang Giyeong snickered beside us...
"Khhk... khh... Your naming sense is as formidable as ever, Young Master."
"Oh, you're laughing? Then you're Dushik from this day forth. Got it?"
"Pardon...? No... why on earth am I—"
"If I've decided it, then it's decided. What's with all the back-talk?"
"No, but I'm in an entirely different categ—"
"Shush!"
Renamed from Giyeong straight to Dushik — how on earth had he skipped every syllable in between? Unable to grasp the logic of it, Dang Giyeong, too, could only let a single tear fall.
A short while later, Namgung Han and Dang Jihyeon — having finished their ferocious battle with the blue blockhead of a golem — descended into the tomb.
CRAAACK—
"Faster, faster, those hands! Oh my...? Chunshik, your hands are getting slow~?"
Watching their own Young Clan Head swing a whip at Dang Giyeong and some unknown old man while bellowing at the top of his lungs, Dang Jihyeon pressed a palm to her forehead.
Leaving Namgung Han to gape at the treasure-filled chamber behind her, Dang Jihyeon dashed over to me.
"Young Master, what on earth have you been doing this time?"
"Oh... I take it the golem was dealt with safely?"
"What is this situation, and who is that old man supposed to be?"
"Wow... I guess even with the difficulty cranked up, a fully matured Transcendent Realm expert can handle something like that without breaking a sweat. Well, anything less would've been embarrassing."
"Young Master!!!!!"
"Agh, you startled me... Why are you shrieking like that? Want a taste of the whip yourself?"
Undaunted by my playful threat, she glared daggers at me. Scratching my jaw, I finally started giving proper answers.
"Dang Giyeong over there — he was dead earlier, so I brought him back, and he's been well-behaved ever since..."
"And the old man?"
"That old fellow had been locked away down here for ages. I told him I'd let him out into the world above, and from that moment on he's followed my every word. You know?"
"Do you hear yourself right now?"
"No... well, nothing wrong with it, is there?"
"Haah... Then what is that whip about?"
"This? Found it over in that section a while ago. Turns out if you strike someone with it, their inner energy recovers a little? So I've been helping those two rebuild their strength, that's all."
"Oh... how truly magnificent."
Namgung Han had crept up beside us at some point, eyeing my whip with naked greed as she spoke.
"Sis, that way over there — the place is stuffed to the brim with famous swords."
"Is that so? Hrrm... Then to that side I shall head at once."
Having lured the sword-crazed lunatic away with the promise of blades, I turned back to Dang Jihyeon.
"Anyway, let's just grab whatever looks most expensive and head out for now. The route back is mostly cleared, so we can send word to the Dang Clan for extra hands and move the rest out later."
"Haah... Very well. The Financial Hall Master will pass away from sheer joy when he sees all of this."
"That Hall Master could use a little joy... I still can't get the image out of my head — him weeping over the walls our family keeps reducing to rubble every time someone throws a fit."
SMACK—
"Dushik! Those hands are getting slow!"
And so we began bundling up the most precious items we could find, wrapping them in swaddles made from spare clothes.
Of course, there were a few minor incidents along the way...
"Sis! Just how far do you intend to strip?!"
"Hehe... A-woo, surely you don't lust after this body of mine?"
"You little sh— If you're going to strip anyway, then take off that chest binder while you're at it!"
"If it is my A-woo's wish..."
"No... I am BEGGING you!!!"
We were making our way out through the passage we had first entered, without any real trouble.
"By the way, this stretch of the passage doesn't have any traps, does it?"
"Traps? Dang Jihyeon found every last one and dismantled them. Say, Jihyeon... how do you feel about renaming yourself Namgung Jihyeon while we're at it?"
"I do not."
"Tsk... What a shame."
When Namgung Han chimed in — clearly coveting another clan's precious squad leader like a cat eyeing a fish stall — I flared up and shouted.
"Hey, why would you strip a rare talent of her family name?! If you want to trade for her, the Sword King himself would have to change his surname for the numbers to work out!"
"Young Master, none of your honeyed drivel either. Before you go flat-out rechristening me Zhuge Jihyeon—"
At that, I shut my mouth.
"Huaah... huaah..."
"Chunshik, enough with the exhausted act. It's starting to grate on me."
When I barked at Chunshik — panting for breath with the face of a dying man — Namgung Han looked at me and spoke up.
"Is... is that not a bit too harsh on the old fellow?"
"Don't worry... that old man is stronger than he looks."
"Even so, this seems rather excessive..."
Namgung Han offered this with genuine pity in her voice, watching Chunshik groan under a single enormous pack, loaded up like a one-man moving company, his face painted with mortal agony.
"That old man's stronger than you are, Sis. Every bit of it is an act."
"Hah... how can that be?"
"Want proof? Chunshik! Use Flying Sword!"
Before the words had even left my mouth, Chunshik flung the sword hanging at his waist whirling into the air. Namgung Han's jaw hit the floor.
"See? The old boy's in perfect health."
"But how does a master of such caliber come to..."
"Honestly? He's a senile old man. He seems to have mistaken me for his father, and he's followed me devotedly ever since. That's why he keels over the instant I open my mouth. Isn't that right, my son?"
GRRRRIND—
Apparently his etiquette training was not yet complete, for Chunshik ground his teeth and shot me a look of pure insolence...
"Oho? You disrespectful little..."
I cracked him one across the skull, then turned back around and started up the stairs.
At the sight of a Profound Realm master taking a hit to the head without a single word of complaint and simply carrying on, Namgung Han and Dang Jihyeon stared at me as if I'd lost my mind, but...
"If you keep staring like that, I'll blush..."
When I turned my head away, dodging any real explanation, Dang Jihyeon heaved a sigh and urged me on.
"Then just hurry up and climb, Young Master. I would like to be soaking in a hot bath before too long."
And so, after a long trek back along the passage, we reached the entrance at last...
Screeeee—
Namgung Han heaved the entrance open.
SHAA—
All of us squinted against the sunlight we hadn't seen in far too long and stepped out into the open air.
"Uuuuugh... oof, everything's stiff."
Just as I was working out the kinks with a long, luxurious stretch...
"Huaah... huaah... KHEK!"
A strangled cry came from behind me, and I turned around.
"KEEEEEEK!"
Chunshik — bathed in sunlight — was melting away before our eyes, leaving nothing behind but bone.
I sprinted to him in a panic, but...
Clatter... clunk...
Before long, Chunshik had crossed the rainbow bridge, leaving only a pile of bones behind.
"CHUNSIK!!!!!"
I wailed desperately for the wicked Chunshik who had abandoned his master without so much as a proper goodbye, but he never came back.
"Khhk... Chunshik... I will never forget you."
As I tossed Chunshik's bones back through the entrance we had emerged from, Dang Jihyeon turned to me, her face drained white.
"Th...th...then... the one who... walked with us... just now... he was..."
"A ghost, obviously?"
"Khek....."
With that final, merciless blow from Dang Giyeong, Dang Jihyeon toppled over backward, foam on her lips.
Paying none of it any mind, Namgung Han came over to me as I wailed and offered her condolences, but...
"The old fellow has surely gone on to a better place. Grieve not overmuch, A-woo."
"Khhk..... No, that's not it. If that old man died, then..."
RRRRUMBLE... BOOM... BOOM—
Tremors that shook the very axis of the earth rolled through us, and with a tremendous roar the mountain began sinking into the ground...
Only once my sobbing had run its course and the shaking finally subsided did I finish my sentence.
"That whole thing just collapses in on itself, you see..."
"What do you mean..."
"We cheese-cleared a dungeon that was never supposed to let us leave in the first place..."
"A... A-woo, then... my precious swords..."
"Gone. Poof."
Her dream of hauling famous swords out by the armful vanished in an instant — and even Namgung Han, ever the picture of composure, could only stare blankly at the already-collapsed Mausoleum of Qin Shi Huang, her face hollow.