The Narrow Door (4)
The tea party continued with Su-ryeon looking sour, her lips pressed tightly shut.
At least Yoon Seo-a tried to lift the atmosphere by striking up conversation with the new face, Shin So-hye.
Fortunately, So-hye herself did not seem eager to sit in pure discomfort; she did her best to talk about her hobbies and the things she liked.
I joined in more actively than usual as well, filling the silence left by Su-ryeon, who only tilted her teacup without a word.
My own conversational skill was nowhere near as natural as Su-ryeon’s, of course, but Chae-rin—who had been snacking on the sweets—chimed in at just the right moments, and the awkward air gradually seemed to ease.
Clink— Su-ryeon set her cup down with a deliberate sound and rose from her seat, cutting the conversation short.
Shin So-hye, who had been talking about her hobby of watching space videos, looked up at her with faintly fearful eyes, but Su-ryeon paid it no mind.
“Excuse me for a moment.”
“Is something the matter, Miss Hong Su-ryeon?”
“You’re rather lacking in delicacy, Miss Yoon Seo-a. What possible reason could there be to leave one’s seat in the middle of tea?”
“Ah, so you’re off to pick flowers.”
Su-ryeon’s brow twitched at Seo-a’s blunt phrasing, yet instead of snapping she simply started walking.
“Shall I show you where the bathroom is?”
When Seo-a called after her as she left the table, Su-ryeon stopped, turned her gaze to me, and said,
“No need. I’ll just ask Miss Ha-eun to guide me.”
“…Pardon? Me?”
“Please, Miss Ha-eun.”
She called it a request, but the force behind it said she would drag me along if I refused.
I glanced back at Seo-a almost without thinking; she only shrugged, smiled, and answered,
“If she prefers guidance from Miss Ha-eun over the host herself, then by all means go. I was thinking of wrapping up the tea party soon anyway.”
“I wasn’t exactly looking for your permission.”
“Oh? Weren’t you?”
Leaving Seo-a tilting her head in a perfect show of innocence, I stood up abruptly and went to Su-ryeon, who was still waiting.
“Follow me.”
“Thank you, Miss Ha-eun.”
I would have preferred to hear those words with a little more feeling in them.
The flat, perfunctory tone made me pause for a second, but I turned and walked on with her behind me.
Leaving the living room and heading down the short hallway opposite the entrance brought us straight to the bathroom.
I opened the door and was about to say “Here it is” when—
“Miss Su-ryeon?”
“Shh. Quiet.”
The hand that seized my shoulder startled me into calling her name, but Su-ryeon shoved me inside, stepped in after me, and shut the door.
In an instant the two of us were alone in that sealed space, and my heart began to race for no good reason.
It wasn’t fear of being with Su-ryeon; it was simply that I had done more than a few things with Yoon Seo-a in narrow, isolated rooms like this, and my body reacted on its own.
The flush rising in my face was one of those reactions. I ducked my head and fussed with my bangs, praying she wouldn’t notice the color in my cheeks.
While I stood like that, Su-ryeon—still gripping my shoulder, silent for a long moment—finally spoke.
“I said I’d wait until after the exams to ask, but no matter how I think about it, it has to be now. I don’t want to keep fretting over this for days, and I don’t want to ruin the study group’s atmosphere because of me.”
She had already thoroughly ruined the atmosphere, but instead of pointing that out I only asked, puzzled,
“What do you mean…?”
“Miss Ha-eun. Why did you hide from me that you’d been to Yoon Seo-a’s room before?”
“Hide? I never did any such thing. That was just…”
“Just what?”
I was already looking at the floor, not meeting her eyes, yet I still turned my face farther away and muttered,
“You never asked, so I simply never answered, ugh…?”
The grip on my shoulder tightened like a vise; my eyes squeezed shut of their own accord.
I couldn’t understand why Su-ryeon was suddenly doing this, but I told myself there had to be a reason.
She wasn’t Seo-a; she was Su-ryeon. I must have said something wrong.
Even so, if I had made a mistake, I still couldn’t just stand there while she kept crushing my shoulder.
It wasn’t anything complicated—her grip was simply stronger than I expected, and it hurt a great deal.
“Miss Su-ryeon, that hurts…”
“…I’m sorry.”
At the pain in my voice she seemed to come back to herself; she released my shoulder and took a step back.
If there was any silver lining, it was that the pain had snapped the reflexive flush from my face.
I rubbed my shoulder with a faint frown. The sting suggested a mark would be there later.
“But ‘you never asked so I never answered’—that’s not right, Miss Ha-eun.”
“Not right? What is that supposed to mean?”
I lifted my head and looked at her. She was gazing down at me with a slightly bewildered expression.
An expression that said she could hardly believe what she was hearing.
“That time you didn’t come back to the dormitory—you spent the night here, didn’t you?”
“…Yes.”
“And you were alone with Yoon Seo-a.”
I only nodded, saying nothing more. Su-ryeon pressed a hand to her forehead and murmured,
“If you’d just told me that, I never would have agreed to hold the study group in her room!”
“Why not? Lily Hall, where we live, is too small for a group this size, and a library has too many outside distractions. There isn’t a better place than this.”
“And what about you, Miss Ha-eun?”
“Me? What about me…”
“Does what you went through in this place not matter at all?”
The words made my breath catch as if someone had seized my throat.
What I went through… here? I stood blankly repeating the phrase to myself while Su-ryeon pressed on.
“Miss Ha-eun, you told me you were being sexually harassed by Yoon Seo-a. I thought it was her followers doing it, not her—but once I realized you’d stayed here, I understood.”
“The one who actually carried out that harassment wasn’t some follower. It was Yoon Seo-a herself. Right here, in her own room.”
My fists clenched hard of their own accord. Cold sweat had begun to bead as she spoke; it dripped between my fingers.
My throat felt blocked. I forced the words out.
“Miss Su-ryeon… I’m sorry, but would you please stop talking about that?”
“How can I stop?! If I’d known what this place was, I never would have brought you here in the first—!”
“I said stop!”
“…Miss Ha-eun?”
Hah… hah…! I clutched my chest, gasping for air, and only then did Su-ryeon sense something was wrong and call my name.
But her voice no longer reached my ears.
Just because I can sit across from Yoon Seo-a without flinching, do you think I’m fine?
I’m only enduring it. Keeping quiet is better for everyone.
If I treat her the same as always even after what she did, she pays more attention to me. Then Su-ryeon and Chae-rin stay safe.
Then I don’t have to worry my remaining family.
So I just act normal.
Why do you have to dig up the feelings I buried with words like that?
Just don’t ask me anything.
Please.
My heart pounded hot for a different reason than before. At the same time my mind went cold.
Even though my feet were planted on the floor, it felt as if the ground were sucking me downward; my body swayed. I might actually fall.
“Miss Ha-eun!”
Or perhaps I already had. Su-ryeon was suddenly there, catching me in her arms and holding me up.
But the moment I found something to lean on, my body went completely limp.
“Miss Ha-eun?!”
“I’m not… fainting…”
She cried out, thinking I had collapsed, but when I managed a weak reply she finally exhaled in relief.
“You scared me half to death. I thought something had happened to you—my heart nearly stopped.”
“I’m sorry…”
“…You have nothing to apologize for. You were fine until a moment ago and then suddenly crumpled—it must have been because of what I said.”
I kept my mouth shut rather than answer.
While I stayed silent, Su-ryeon took out a handkerchief and gently wiped the sweat from my face.
“I’m sorry, Miss Ha-eun. I let my own feelings run ahead of everything. You’re the one who’s been suffering most of all.”
“You’re only saying that… because you care about me…”
“I’m grateful you’re still taking my side even now, but when you say things like that it only fills me with more guilt.”
Is that so? I thought blankly. Once she finished wiping my face, Su-ryeon asked,
“Looking at you, I don’t think we can continue the study group. I’m going to take you back to Lily Hall.”
“Go back…?”
We had only had a light tea before starting, and already we were leaving? We hadn’t even begun the studying that was the whole point of the gathering.
And it felt especially unfair to Shin So-hye, who had been invited. For a girl with no friends, an opportunity like this might never come again.
When I murmured those thoughts aloud in my drained voice, Su-ryeon looked at me as if she couldn’t believe it.
“Even in this state you’re still thinking about other people? It’s very like you, Miss Ha-eun… but I can’t say I welcome it.”
“I’m sorry…”
“I told you there’s no need to apologize. Haa… so you don’t want to end the study group.”
When I nodded, she frowned in clear difficulty and muttered,
“Then what am I supposed to do… Showing you to the others looking like this doesn’t seem like a good idea either…”
She seemed to be fretting entirely on my account, so I lifted my limp arm and held out my hand to her.
At the sudden gesture the worry smoothed from her face, replaced by confusion.
“Miss Ha-eun?”
“Would you… hold my hand?”
“Your hand?”
“Yes. When I had the fever as a child, Mother used to hold my hand tightly.”
It was my memory, and at the same time it was not. Precisely speaking, on the day I possessed this body I had been burning with an unknown fever, and “my” memories and Yu Ha-eun’s had been tangled together.
Yet even in that confusion I still remembered the warmth of the two hands that had clasped mine as if in prayer.
And the desperate wish whispered over and over: please, you must live.
Perhaps that was why. When things were hard, I felt that if someone simply held my hand I might find strength again.
Su-ryeon nodded and carefully took my hand.
Come to think of it, she had held my hand earlier when we sat side by side, but this was completely different.
I closed my eyes for a moment, thinking that.
“You mustn’t fall asleep, Miss Ha-eun.”
“I won’t. I just…”
I only wanted to feel the warmth more clearly. I tightened my grip on the hand that held mine and leaned more heavily into Su-ryeon’s arms.