After the Deadline
Tuesday evening, 8:00 PM. Six days had passed since last Wednesday. Since then, I hadn't seen Seojin outside of our group chat. It wasn't intentional. Her cafe hours had been long, and I was buried under a book cover commission for a publisher. And ever since that night with the wine at the end of April, we had both taken a step back from each other's dining tables. Having drawn so close only to pull apart, we both hesitated, our timing slightly off.
Six days. Short if you look at it one way, long if you look at it another. In the meantime, Haeun had dropped her "Because it's you" line and hadn't taken it back. In the group chat, Dain chattered away as usual, and Chaewon occasionally posted a single line. Only Seojin was a beat behind.
Then, a message arrived today.
I turn off the tablet I was working on and look at the dining table.
The wine bottle that had been sitting on one side of the table for over a month.
Seojin is coming over to finish the wine she left behind.
She must know what that means. Emptying a bottle that has been sitting on the table for over a month means taking a step forward from where we stopped that night.
In those six days, Haeun's "Because it's you" had happened. I don't know if it's right to welcome Seojin with that weight lingering in the back of my mind. But the two of them are of a different nature. Haeun's weight is close and hot. Seojin's weight is distant and warm. It's not like the two weights are sitting on the same table. They occupy different corners of my mind. That is the best way I can sort things out right now.
I wipe down the table. I take out two wine glasses. Even though they haven't been used in over a month, I wipe them down once more.
Exactly 9:00 PM.
The doorbell rings—a single, long, gentle chime.
It's Seojin.
I open the door.
Seojin is standing there, still in her cafe uniform. A white blouse and a beige skirt. She is holding a bottle of wine in her hand.
A new bottle. Not the one that had been sitting on my table for over a month. A different one.
"This... is similar to the one I left behind. I bought a new bottle of the same Chilean wine."
"The other one is still here."
"...I want to leave that one as it is. On the table. Let's drink the new one tonight."
Seojin's eyes waver slightly. Leaving that bottle on the table for over a month was a way of preserving the very word "next time." If we emptied it, that word would disappear.
"...Come on in."
Seojin slips off her shoes and steps inside. She places the wine bottle on the table, right next to the one that has been there for over a month.
The two bottles sit side by side.
I uncork the bottle and pour. Two glasses. Seojin raises her glass. I raise mine.
"Cheers."
The glasses clink softly.
A sip. It tastes exactly like that night at the end of April. A rich, fruity aroma.
Seojin takes another sip. A trace of red wine remains on her lips. A crimson stain.
"Siu."
"Yes?"
"Can we talk about back then?"
"Back then?"
"Under the table."
Seojin sets her glass down.
"Our hands."
Our hands under the table. The day we ate curry. The table where Seojin's hand had slipped over mine.
"Do you remember?"
"I remember."
"I... went a bit too far back then, didn't I?" Seojin lowers her head. Her wavy hair falls forward, veiling her face. "Chaewon was there, and Yuri was too..."
"I didn't pull my hand away either."
"..."
Seojin looks up. Her eyes are moist. Whether it's from the wine or something else, I can't tell.
"Because you didn't pull away... it made me want to do it even more."
There is raw honesty in her words. Seojin's vulnerability.
"Seojin."
"Yes?"
"I've had a lot on my mind since that night."
Ever since the night she first came upstairs with the wine. We had grown closer at the dining table. Our lips had almost touched. But we were interrupted by Yuri's phone call. Since then, unspoken feelings had piled up between us. The wine bottle that sat on the table for over a month was another name for those accumulated feelings, and our hands touching under the table was those feelings leaking out through our fingertips.
"Me too," Seojin says, taking another sip of wine. "I thought about it a lot. What would have happened if that call hadn't come?"
Silence.
"Siu, can I be completely honest with you?"
"Yes."
"I... I like you, Siu," Seojin says quietly, but with absolute certainty. "It's partly because you cook for us and look after Yuri, but... it's not just that."
Seojin cups her wine glass with both hands.
"When I'm next to you, I feel safe. I can just be Yoon Seojin, not Yuri's mom. It's... been a very long time since I felt that way."
Just Yoon Seojin. Not a mother, not a cafe owner, not a divorcee. Just Seojin.
I can see her wounds. The pain of being abandoned by her ex-husband. The years she lost herself as a woman. The three years she existed solely as Yuri's mother.
"Seojin."
"Yes?"
I set my glass down and look at her. Seojin looks back at me.
"Me too."
With those two words, Seojin's eyes widen. Her eyelashes tremble.
"Really?"
"Really."
Seojin tries to smile, but her lips tremble. Her expression hovers somewhere between a smile and tears.
"Siu..."
Seojin leans in. Slowly. She sets her glass on the table and leans toward me. I lean in too.
Our lips touch. It's soft.
Seojin's lips taste of wine. Warm and tender. It's different from Haeun's kiss. Haeun's hadn't fully connected; it was just a brush of lips. Seojin's is a real touch. Firm and certain.
A brief kiss. Two seconds, three seconds.
Seojin pulls back.
"...Ah."
Seojin touches her lips, lowering her head. Her ears are bright red.
"I shouldn't be doing this..."
"Why not?"
"I'm a divorced woman with a child..."
"Why does that mean you can't?"
Seojin looks up. No tears fall, but they are pooling in her eyes.
"Because you're such a good person, Siu..."
"So are you, Seojin."
"I'm not a good person. I'm selfish. Coming over to eat your food, using Yuri as an excuse... it's all so selfish."
"I know."
Seojin looks at me, her eyes wide with surprise.
"You knew, and you're still okay with it?"
"I knew it was an excuse from the start. But I didn't mind. Because you were the one coming over."
A single tear spills from Seojin's eye.
"Don't cry."
"I'm sorry, it's just... been so long..." Seojin wipes her tear with the back of her hand. "It's been so long since anyone said something like that to me."
I place my hand on Seojin's cheek, brushing away her tear with my thumb. Her skin is warm.
Seojin places her hand over mine, pressing it against her cheek. She holds my hand tight against her face.
"Don't do this," Seojin whispers. "If you do, I'll only get more selfish."
"It's okay."
Seojin leans in again. This time, she initiates it.
Our lips touch.
The second kiss is longer than the first. Seojin's hand grips the front of my shirt, tugging gently. Her lips part. Her tongue touches mine—cautiously, hesitantly, but pushing inside.
The taste of wine. Warmth. Softness. Everything about Seojin is poured into this kiss. It isn't rushed. It's slow, a pace to confirm each other's feelings.
The kiss deepens. Seojin's hand slides up from my shirt to my shoulder, then to the back of my neck. Her fingers slip into my hair.
"Siu..." she murmurs between kisses, whispering my name.
I place my hand on her waist, just above the waistband of her skirt. I can feel her body heat through the fabric. Seojin's body trembles slightly.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes..." Seojin nods, her eyes closed. "I'm okay."
I stand up from my chair. Seojin stands with me. Our kiss doesn't break. Even as we stand, our lips remain locked. Seojin's back presses against the edge of the dining table. Me in front, Seojin behind, leaning against the table. There is no space between us.
"Siu... not here..." Seojin gently pushes against my chest, stepping back. She takes my hand and leads me toward the sofa. The two-seater sofa in the corner of the living room.
I dim the lights, turning off the main light and leaving only the floor lamp on.
I sit on the sofa. Seojin sits beside me—no, not beside me. She sits sideways on my lap, her legs pulled up onto the sofa, her hips resting on my thighs. She is light. Warm.
"Am I heavy?"
"Not at all."
Seojin cups my face with both hands, cradling my cheeks. Then she kisses me. This time, Seojin takes the lead. Softly, but with certainty.
"It's been so long..." Seojin whispers against my lips. "Is it okay if I'm a bit clumsy?"
"It's fine."
"Really?"
"As long as it's you, Seojin, anything is fine."
A smile forms on Seojin's lips. She kisses me again, carrying that smile into the kiss. I place my hand on her waist, over the waistband of her skirt. The hem of her blouse has slipped out slightly.
"Can I... undo this?"
Seojin nods, her eyes closed.
I begin unbuttoning her blouse from the top. One. Two. Three. Her collarbone is revealed, and below it, the beige strap of her bra.
My hand rests on Seojin's shoulder, sliding over the collar of her blouse. My fingers trace the curve of her shoulder. Seojin shivers noticeably.
"Are you cold?"
"No..." Seojin shakes her head. "Just nervous."
"It's okay. We can go slow."
Seojin undoes the last button of her blouse herself, moving slowly. The blouse slips off her shoulders, exposing one side.
"Seojin."
"Yes?"
"You're beautiful."
Seojin bites her lip, her eyes growing misty.
"It's been... so long since I heard that."
"I'll say it often."
Seojin wraps her arms around my neck, pulling herself close. Her blouse slips completely off her shoulders, revealing her upper back and the beige bra strap. I place my hand on her back, tracing down her spine. Seojin gasps.
"Siu..."
"Yeah?"
"More..."
A single word. More.
I stroke her back, my fingers reaching the clasp of her bra.
"Is this okay?"
"Yes."
I undo the clasp. Seojin slips the bra off from the front, working within the loose folds of her blouse. With her blouse draped low, her shoulders, collarbone, and the tops of her breasts are exposed. The light from the floor lamp casts soft shadows across her skin.
Seojin's body is made of gentle curves. The line from her shoulder to her breasts, and from her breasts to her waist. The body of a thirty-year-old woman. A body that has experienced childbirth. But it is beautiful.
My lips touch her collarbone. Seojin lets out a sharp breath.
"Ah..."
From her collarbone, I move downward. Slowly. Seojin rests her hands on the back of my head. She isn't gripping; she's just resting them there. It's different from Haeun. Haeun holds and guides. Seojin rests her hands and follows.
My lips touch her breast. Seojin arches her back, tilting her head back.
"Siu..."
My hand touches her thigh, sliding up from her knee under the hem of her skirt. Seojin's legs part slightly.
"Please... do more," Seojin whispers.
Her permission.
My hand lifts the hem of her skirt, reaching her inner thigh. Warm skin. Seojin holds her breath, her breathing shallow and trembling.
"It's been so long... I'm so nervous."
"It's okay. I'll go slow."
"...Okay."
Seojin's hands reach for the buttons of my shirt, undoing them one by one from the top. Her fingers are shaking.
"My hands are shaking..."
"Should I do it?"
"No, let me."
Seojin finishes undoing the buttons, parting my shirt. Her warm palm rests against my chest.
"Your heart is beating so fast."
"Because of you."
Seojin smiles—a mixture of tears and joy.
She shifts her position on top of me, straddling my lap with her knees on either side of my hips. We face each other. Her unbuttoned blouse hangs loose off her shoulders, and her skirt is bunched up around her waist. Our bare skin touches. Chest to chest, stomach to stomach. Our body heat merges.
"Siu."
"Yeah?"
"I wanted this so much," Seojin whispers, resting her forehead against mine. Our noses touch, our breaths mingling. "I wanted to be held by someone... after so long."
I wrap my arms around her back, holding her close. Her warmth presses against my chest. I can hear her heartbeat. It's fast.
I slide my hand down her lower back, reaching her panties. My hand rests on her hip. Seojin gasps.
"Is this okay...?"
"Yes."
Seojin buries her face in my neck, her warm breath tickling my skin.
My hand slips under her panties. Seojin freezes.
"Siu..."
"Should I stop?"
"No... no." Seojin shakes her head, keeping her face buried in my neck. "More... it's okay."
My fingers move against her. Her body reacts instantly. Her breath hitches, and her thighs tighten.
"Ah..."
A soft moan escapes her. Seojin bites her lip, trying to stifle the sound.
"You can make noise."
"It's embarrassing..."
"There's no one else here."
Seojin lifts her head. Her eyes are wet, her cheeks flushed, her lips parted.
"Siu, I..."
Seojin reaches for my belt with trembling hands.
Just then.
A phone rings. Seojin's phone, left on the dining table. Not a vibration, but a loud ringtone.
Seojin freezes. The ringtone fills the living room. Under the dim light of the floor lamp, the phone screen glows brightly. It must be Yuri's name on the screen.
Seojin climbs off me, pulling her blouse back over her shoulders as she hurries to the table. She picks up the phone.
"Hello? ...Yuri? What's wrong, are you scared? ...It's okay, Mommy will be right there. Yes, I love you."
She hangs up.
Seojin turns to look at me. She is already buttoning her blouse and smoothing down her skirt. She brushes her hair back. She is turning back into a mother.
"Siu, I'm so sorry."
"It's okay."
"Yuri says she's scared. She gets like this sometimes at her grandmother's. If she wakes up in the middle of the night, she can't fall back asleep..."
"You should go."
"I'm so sorry, really."
"Seojin."
"Yes?"
"Go take care of Yuri."
Seojin looks at me for three seconds. Then she steps closer and plants a soft, brief kiss on my cheek.
"Thank you."
Seojin leaves. The front door closes. The sound of her slippers fades after just a few steps down the hallway. Room 202 is right next door.
I sit on the sofa. Seojin's scent still lingers—linen, body lotion, wine, and the smell of warm skin.
Two wine glasses remain on the dining table. There is a lip mark on Seojin's glass. A wine-colored lip mark.
What had stopped back then had come this far tonight. A kiss, and then some. But it was stopped again. Yuri. Yuri is Seojin's daughter. The very reason Seojin is who she is. A mother's bond. On the pendulum swinging between mother and woman, Yuri always pulls Seojin back toward being a mother. I don't blame her. I can't.
I stand up, wash the glasses, and clean up the two wine bottles on the table. I leave the bottle that has been sitting on the table for over a month exactly where it was. The new bottle we opened tonight is empty, so I put it in the recycling bin.
I turn off the main light and leave only the floor lamp on.
I take a walk through the night streets. Streetlights. The lukewarm breeze of late May flutters the hem of my shirt.
I think of Seojin's lips. The taste of wine. The warmth. Her whisper of "More... it's okay."
And Yuri's phone call. That night, it was Yuri's call too. And again tonight. Is Yuri subconsciously protecting her mother? Or is it just the fear of a five-year-old?
I return to the villa. The second floor. I open the door to Room 201. A dark living room. The kitchen island. Empty chairs.
A message arrives.
Reading that, I felt my heart stop.
Next time, I'll go all the way.
I set my phone down and lie on the bed. Seojin's warmth still lingers on my arms. The weight of her sitting on my lap. The tremor when I placed my hand on her back. Her whisper of "More... it's okay."
And Haeun's "Because it's you."
Dain's shirt.
The buttons of Chaewon's blouse.
Four women. Four different temperatures. I am still standing in the middle. But tonight, I took a step toward Seojin.
Tonight, I will fall asleep remembering the taste of Seojin's wine.