The Apron Strings
Saturday, 1:00 PM. A message arrives from Seojin.
A favor to watch Yuri. Saturday afternoon. My deadline is over, and I'm resting. I have nothing to do.
Five minutes later, the doorbell rings.
When I open the door, Seojin and Yuri are standing there. Seojin is dressed to go out, wearing a linen jacket and a skirt, with her hair tied up in a bun. Yuri is wearing a teddy bear T-shirt and shorts.
"Mister!" Yuri runs in and hugs my leg. A five-year-old's hug. She is surprisingly strong.
"Siu, thank you so much, seriously. I put Yuri's snacks in her bag. Could you give her some fruit around three? And she's been really into drawing lately, so if you give her some colored pencils—"
"Seojin."
"Yes?"
"It's fine. Go ahead."
Seojin pauses. Then she smiles, the tiny wrinkles beneath her eyes crinkling softly.
"...I can really leave her with you?"
"Of course."
Seojin crouches down to meet Yuri's eye level. "Yuri, listen to Mister Han and be a good girl. Mommy will be back soon."
"Okay! I'm gonna play with Mister!"
Seojin kisses Yuri on the forehead and stands up. Her eyes meet mine—a mixture of gratitude and apology.
"I'll be back."
Seojin leaves. Now it's just Yuri and me.
Yuri looks up at me. "Mister, what are you doing?"
"What do you want to do?"
"Draw!"
Just as expected. I pull out Yuri's drawing bag. Inside are the colored pencil set and sketchbook Seojin packed. When I spread them out on the dining table, Yuri immediately starts drawing. I sit beside her and watch.
What Yuri is drawing... I have no idea. A tangled mess of circles and lines.
"What's this?"
"It's you, Mister!"
"...Me?"
"Yeah! This is your hair, these are your eyes, and these are your hands!"
The hands are bigger than the body. A five-year-old's observation skills are fascinating. Even Yuri knows my hands are large.
"You drew it well."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
Yuri beams. I can see the gap where her tooth is missing. One of her front teeth. Cute.
"Draw me too! Mister, you draw!"
"All right."
I pick up a colored pencil and draw Yuri. A round face, twin tails, big eyes. Simple. In a style she would like, like something out of a children's storybook.
Yuri looks at my drawing and squeals.
"Whoa! Mister, you're so good at drawing!!"
"It's my job, after all."
"Your job is drawing pictures?"
"Yeah."
"I'm gonna be just like you when I grow up!" Yuri declares.
If Dain heard this, she'd be thrilled to have found a kindred spirit.
I spend time with Yuri. We draw, color with the pencils, and I listen to her tell stories about the characters she made up. A story about a teddy bear princess defeating a dragon. It is completely devoid of logic, but she is incredibly passionate about it.
Three o'clock. Snack time. I take out the apples and bananas Seojin packed in the bag. I peel an apple and carve it into the shape of a rabbit.
"It's a bunny!"
"Yep."
"Mister, you're seriously good at everything."
Yuri's praise is completely unfiltered. If she likes something, she says so; if someone is good at something, she compliments them. She speaks without a filter. That's a five-year-old for you.
After eating the fruit, Yuri climbs onto the sofa.
"Mister, I'm sleepy."
"You can sleep. Come here."
Yuri sits next to me and gradually leans over. Within three minutes, she is fast asleep, leaning against my side. Her tiny hand is clutching my T-shirt.
Everything goes quiet.
I look at Yuri's sleeping face. She looks just like Seojin. The round eyes, the soft contours. This child is Seojin's entire world.
The reason Seojin opened a cafe after her divorce, waking up early every morning and cleaning up late into the night. It was all to raise Yuri. To give Yuri only the best.
And Seojin entrusted Yuri to me.
Trust. I feel the weight of it.
Looking at Yuri's sleeping face, a strange emotion wells up inside me. A desire to protect this child.
Paternal love? No, that's too presumptuous a word. I am not this child's father.
Yet, on this Saturday afternoon, I am the one sitting here on the sofa, with Yuri's tiny hand clutching my T-shirt instead of that man's.
At four-thirty, the front door opens.
"Siu, I'm back," Seojin's voice calls out quietly, knowing Yuri might be asleep.
Stepping into the living room, Seojin stops when she sees the sofa.
Yuri is leaning against my side, fast asleep, clutching my T-shirt. I've draped a blanket over her. Yuri's sketchbook is open on the table, showing the drawing of Yuri I did and the drawing of "Mister" she did side-by-side.
Seojin's expression changes. It's a look I've never seen on her before.
It isn't her usual warm smile, nor is it her cheerful mask to hide her feelings.
Overwhelmed? Deeply moved?
Tears well up in Seojin's eyes.
"Seojin?"
"Oh, it's nothing." Seojin wipes the corners of her eyes with the back of her hand. "I'm sorry, so suddenly..."
"Are you okay?"
"Yes, it's just... seeing Yuri sleep so peacefully." Seojin's voice drops to a whisper. "She doesn't usually sleep well at home. She never takes naps. But here..."
Seojin trails off. I wait.
"I guess she feels safe next to you, Siu."
It's hard to find an answer to that.
Chaewon, who suffers from chronic insomnia, once slept on this very sofa for two hours on a rainy night. And today, Yuri fell asleep here.
"Yuri was very good. We did some drawing, too."
"Drawing?" Seojin picks up the sketchbook from the table. She looks at the "Mister" Yuri drew and the drawing of Yuri I made.
"Did you draw this, Siu?"
"Yes."
"...It's beautiful."
Seojin stares at the drawing for a long time. Yuri's round face, twin tails, big eyes. I even drew the gap where her tooth was missing.
"Can Yuri keep this drawing?"
"Of course."
Seojin cradles the sketchbook to her chest and smiles. Though tears still linger in her eyes, she is smiling.
Yuri wakes up.
"Mommy?"
"Yuri, did you have a good sleep?"
"Yeah! I drew pictures with Mister!"
"Really? You should say thank you to Mister."
"Thank you, Mister!" Yuri clings to my leg.
I pat Yuri's head. Watching this, Seojin wipes her eyes once more.
"Seojin, I need to prep for the barbecue tomorrow. I'm heading out to buy groceries."
"Oh, right! Tomorrow. Is there anything I should prepare?"
"Just bring yourself. I'll handle everything."
"Oh, come on, I should do something."
"A salad, then?"
Seojin beams. "Perfect! Leave the salad to me."
As Seojin is about to leave with Yuri, she pauses.
"Siu, wait."
"Yes?"
"Do you have an apron for grilling the meat tomorrow?"
"An apron? Uh... I don't usually wear one."
"Oil will splatter everywhere. Hold on, let me grab one."
Seojin carries Yuri into Room 202 and returns two minutes later. She has an apron in her hand. A beige linen one, similar in design to the one she wears at the cafe.
"This is a spare. You should use it, Siu."
"Ah, thank you."
I take the apron. The beige linen feels heavy in my hands. Perhaps because it's the kind she uses daily at the cafe, the edges are softly worn.
I slip the neck strap over my head, which goes on easily enough. But when I try to bring the waist straps around to tie them behind my back, the motion of bringing both hands together behind me is surprisingly awkward. My shoulders won't rotate quite right. One hand reaches, but the other doesn't, causing me to lose my grip on one strap, grab it again, and drop it once more.
"Wait, let me tie it for you."
"...Thank you."
Seojin steps closer. Not directly in front of me, but to the side. She stands a step away, near my left side. Since she is shorter, she only comes up to just below my shoulder line. Her gaze is level with my waist.
"Just stay still for a moment."
Seojin's hands grab the ends of the straps hanging on either side of my waist. To be precise, she grabs the left strap with one hand, lightly rests her other hand on my side to steady herself, and reaches for the right strap.
It is a brief touch, but in that split second, the contour of her palm presses against my side through my shirt. A fleeting brush. Just a place her hand passed on its way to grab the strap.
Standing beside me, Seojin crosses the straps behind my back. As she ties them, her head comes right next to my upper arm.
A scent wafts over. Since Seojin just finished her shift at the cafe, there is a faint hint of coffee beans, and beneath that, a soft, baby-powder-like fragrance. I can't tell if the scent from Yuri rubbed off on Seojin, or if Seojin's scent rubbed off on Yuri.
"The straps are a bit short, so I'll tie it tight. Is that okay?"
"Yes."
Seojin ties a knot. Once. Twice.
Then, she seems dissatisfied with the knot. Her brow furrows slightly.
"...It's crooked."
She unties it and starts over. This second time, she pays even closer attention. The tips of her fingers brush against my side through my shirt once more. This time, it isn't intentional, just part of the motion of tying.
"There, all done."
Seojin takes a step back. Only then do I fully register the lingering sensation on my side. The spot where she brushed against me twice.
Seojin steps back in front of me and looks up. We are just a step apart.
"Wait. The lapel here is crooked."
Seojin raises her hand. She uses one hand to smooth out the top edge of the apron across my chest. Her palm rests against my chest through my shirt for a brief moment. About a second. It isn't long.
It isn't long, but it feels like an eternity.
As she pulls her hand away, Seojin looks up slightly. Because of our height difference, she has to look up at me. Her cheeks are slightly flushed. She, too, is aware of how close we are.
"It looks good on you."
"...Thank you."
My voice sounds a bit deeper than usual. I clear my throat.
Yuri calls out from the living room. "Mommy, Mister is wearing an apron! He looks cute!"
"Cute? Me...?"
"Yuri only speaks the truth," Seojin chuckles.
Seojin and Yuri head back to their apartment.
After the door closes, I look down at the apron. Beige linen. The straps have been neatly tied by Seojin's hands. The knot is much tidier than how I usually tie them.
The lingering sensation on my side. The palm that brushed against me twice. The hand that rested on my chest for a single second.
"..."
I take off the apron and drape it over a chair. I'll be using it tomorrow anyway.
I check the fridge and write down a grocery list for tomorrow.
Beef short ribs, pork belly, king prawns, onions, garlic, bell peppers, mushrooms, lettuce wraps. Beer. Juice for Yuri. Charcoal.
I check my phone. There are messages in the group chat.
So like Chaewon. A person who grasps things concretely and matches them precisely.
I head out to buy groceries. I walk through the alleys of Yeonnam-dong to the supermarket.
I pick out beef short ribs. Ones with good marbling. Thick cuts of pork belly. Large king prawns. Fresh vegetables. Oak charcoal.
The grocery bags are heavy. One in each hand, filling both arms.
On my way back to the villa, I run into Haeun. She's in athletic wear, likely on her way back from a workout.
"What's this? Did you go grocery shopping?"
"Barbecue tomorrow."
Haeun looks into my grocery bags. "Short ribs? Pork belly? Even king prawns?"
"Yeah."
"Are you carrying all this by yourself?"
"It's fine."
Haeun looks at my hands. The plastic bag straps are digging into my fingers, turning them red.
Haeun tsk-tsks. She snatches one of the grocery bags from my hand.
"Hey, hold out your hand."
"?"
"Your hand. Hold it out."
When I extend my empty hand, Haeun looks at my fingers. The deep red indentations left by the straps are clearly visible.
"Are you stupid? Why would you carry all of this at once?"
"I didn't realize it was this heavy."
"Of course you didn't. You've always been like that."
Haeun strides ahead, carrying the grocery bag. I follow behind her.
"What about the marinade tomorrow?"
"Just basic salt and pepper, and I'll make a separate marinade for the short ribs."
"Anything spicy?"
"Do you like spicy food?"
"Obviously."
"Then I'll make a separate spicy dipping sauce too."
"Good."
We arrive at the villa. Haeun sets the grocery bag down in front of me.
"Hey."
"Yes?"
"Tomorrow. Grill some chicken breast too."
"...Chicken breast at a barbecue?"
"Protein."
Haeun heads into Room 203. Just before she closes the door, she looks back.
"Just season it with salt. No marinade."
"Okay."
The door closes.
Chicken breast. Chicken breast at a barbecue, of all things.
But that's Haeun for you. Haeun never compromises on her lifestyle. Whether it's a barbecue or anything else, chicken breast is a staple.
I organize the ingredients and put them in the fridge.
I prep the short rib marinade in advance. Soy sauce, pear juice, onion juice, garlic, sesame oil, sugar, and black pepper. I submerge the ribs in the marinade. They will marinate overnight until tomorrow.
I also make the spicy dipping sauce. Gochujang, red pepper flakes, garlic, plum syrup, and sesame oil. A taste Haeun would like—spicy and sharp.
I buy some chicken breast separately from the convenience store. I season it with just salt and set it aside.
Just season it with salt. No marinade. Haeun's words are etched in my mind.
I look at the apron. The beige linen apron draped over the chair. The apron Seojin brought me.
Tomorrow, I'll wear this while grilling the meat.
Every time I tie the straps, I might be reminded of my side from this afternoon.
Fortunately, since we're grilling on the rooftop tomorrow, I can just tie the straps beforehand. I won't have to ask anyone for help.
Yet, despite thinking that, I feel a strange sense of emptiness.
Tomorrow. Grilling meat over charcoal on the rooftop, with five of us sitting down to eat. Drinking beer. Yuri running around. Dain chatting away. Seojin smiling. Chaewon sitting quietly. Haeun eating her chicken breast.
Just imagining it makes me feel full. No, not full—my heart is swelling.
Anticipation.
When was the last time I felt this kind of emotion?
I don't know.
I lie down on the bed. I need to sleep early for tomorrow. There's a lot to prepare.
I close my eyes.
The warmth of Seojin's breath on the back of my neck comes to mind. The heat of her body pressed against my back. Her hands tying the straps. Her smile, cheeks flushed red.
"There, all done."
Those words echo in my ears.
A lingering scent, as if more than just the apron strings had been tied.
Trust was given as trust, and something else was offered alongside it by the very same person.
I place my palm against my side. There is no trace of anything left. Of course there isn't.
Even though there is another layer of clothing in the way, the fact that only that spot tingles is just my imagination playing tricks on me.
I drift off to sleep.
I find myself looking forward to tomorrow.
A month ago, Sunday would have felt like a burden, but now, things are different.