A Hand Beneath the Table
Wednesday morning, seven o'clock. The doorbell rings. When I open the door, Lee Haeun is standing there. An eco-bag in hand. Salmon. And spinach, eggs.
"Hey."
"...Good morning."
Haeun hands me the eco-bag. She looks into my eyes. Two seconds.
"What are you looking at?"
"I wasn't looking."
"Yes, you were."
"No, I wasn't."
Haeun snorts and walks inside, taking a seat at the dining table. Nothing happened yesterday. Her attitude says it all. Nothing happened. Just make food.
Standing in the kitchen, I take out the salmon. I decide to make salmon Eggs Benedict. Whole wheat bread, spinach, poached eggs, and salmon. Haeun doesn't say a word while I cook. Usually, she'd ask what I'm doing, what this is, or when it'll be ready. Today, silence. Me too.
I set the plate down. Haeun begins to eat. She cuts the salmon with her fork, pops the poached egg, and eats it piled on the bread.
"It's good."
Just one word. Her eyes remain fixed on the plate.
"...Should I make it for you again?"
I don't know why I said that. The moment "again" left my mouth, its meaning became ambiguous—was I talking about the food, or something else?
Haeun pauses her fork. She looks at me.
"Next time, something else."
Then she goes back to eating. Something else. I have no idea how far the boundaries of that phrase stretch.
Haeun finishes eating and stands up.
"I'm off to work out."
"Okay."
She speaks while tying her sneakers at the entryway, without looking back.
"Hey."
"Yes?"
"Next time, something else."
The second time. The exact same words. But this time, her tone is different. It's slightly softer. The softest tone possible for someone like Haeun. Nothing has changed. Really? Does "something else" really just refer to breakfast?
After Haeun leaves, I wash the empty plate. I look at the chair she was sitting in. There's nothing there. Not a trace. But the traces remain inside me. The sensation of last night. Haeun's hand. Haeun's voice. Me, gasping for breath while staring at the ceiling. That can't be erased.
Shaking my head, I sit down in my workroom. I open my email and find a reply from the publisher. Chaewon's opinion letter worked.
I need to download the revised contract and send it to Chaewon so she can give it a final review. I send Chaewon a message on the chat app.
I did it again right after sending it. Food. I respond to everything with food. Gratitude is food, apologies are food, goodwill is food. Because that's the only thing I can do.
An ellipsis. A hesitation so typical of Chaewon. But her conclusion was still "yes."
Six in the evening. Yoon Seojin contacts me.
"Siu, can we have dinner together tonight?"
"Ah, I actually have plans with Chaewon tonight... Would you like to join us?"
"Of course! Can I bring Yuri too? The cafe is closing early today."
"Naturally."
And just like that, the dinner party grows. Me, Chaewon, Seojin, Yuri. A table for four.
I check my ingredients. Pork neck, onions, potatoes, and carrots in the fridge. I decide to make curry, since I need a generous portion. I finely dice the onions and caramelize them, cooking them for a long time until they turn deep brown. This is the key to a rich curry. Even when using instant curry roux, if you don't skimp on the onion-caramelizing time, the flavor changes completely. I dice the pork neck and sauté it separately, add the potatoes and carrots, pour in water, and bring it to a boil. Then I stir in the curry roux and let it simmer gently over low heat.
Half past six. The doorbell rings. Chaewon arrives first. She must have come straight from work, as she's wearing a black jacket over a white blouse. She has a bottle of wine in her hand.
"This is..."
"I finished reviewing the revised contract today. To celebrate." Chaewon hands me the wine. "It's a red, is that alright?"
"Thank you. Come on in."
Chaewon enters and sits at the dining table. She takes off her jacket. Beneath her white blouse, her slender collarbones are visible. The top button of her blouse is undone. She must have unbuttoned it on her way home from work.
"I smell curry."
"I needed to make a large batch. Curry is great for feeding a crowd."
"...A crowd?"
"Seojin and Yuri are coming too. Is that okay?"
Chaewon's expression shifts ever so slightly. Disappointment? No, rather than disappointment, it's a recalibration. Shifting from a dinner for two to a dinner for four. Chaewon adapts quickly.
"Of course. That sounds lovely."
Seven o'clock. Seojin arrives with Yuri.
"Mister~!" Yuri runs in through the front door, immediately clinging to my leg. The boundless energy of a five-year-old. An unstoppable force.
"Yuri, slow down." Seojin follows her inside with a smile. She's wearing a linen dress. Her shoulder-length wavy hair is slightly damp. Did she just shower? The scent of shampoo wafts from the tips of her hair.
"Siu, I'm so sorry for always imposing on you like this."
"Don't be. Please, have a seat."
Seojin sits at the table, right next to Chaewon. Instead of facing each other, they sit side-by-side. I sit opposite them, with Yuri next to me.
"Nice to see you again, Chaewon," Seojin greets her. This is their second time sitting together since last Sunday's brunch.
"...Yes, hello," Chaewon nods. For a second meeting, the atmosphere is still a bit awkward. Neither of them is the talkative type. Still, they at least know each other's names now.
Yuri breaks the awkwardness.
"Mister, is it curry? I love curry!"
"Yep, the curry you like."
"Choco curry?"
"Not chocolate curry, just regular curry. But it'll be delicious."
I ladle the curry onto the plates, pouring it over the rice, and set aside a portion to cool down for Yuri. I place the plates in front of Chaewon, Seojin, Yuri, and myself. I uncork the wine. Chaewon, Seojin, and I—three glasses.
"A toast?" Seojin raises her glass.
"What shall we toast to?" Chaewon raises hers.
"...To the successful contract revision?"
"What's that about?" Seojin's eyes widen.
"Chaewon reviewed my contract for me. She caught some unfavorable clauses, and the publisher agreed to revise them."
"That's amazing!" Seojin looks at Chaewon. "It must be so reassuring to have a lawyer by your side."
Chaewon bows her head slightly. "It was nothing."
"Of course it's not nothing."
Seojin and Chaewon talk about me. I listen while eating my curry. It's a strange feeling, having the two of them converse with me as the subject.
"Mister, this is so good!" Yuri is shoveling curry into her mouth, getting it all over her face. Seojin wipes her mouth with a napkin.
"Yuri, eat slowly."
"If it's yummy, you have to eat it fast!" Yuri's logic. Irrefutable.
The meal continues. The wine flows. Seojin talks about her cafe, and Chaewon listens. Chaewon doesn't say much, but she responds appropriately to Seojin's stories.
"I see."
"That's impressive."
Her responses are formal but sincere. Seojin has a knack for making people feel comfortable. She naturally draws out conversation even with someone as cool and reserved as Chaewon. Her warm voice and gentle laughter are the core of that talent.
Eating curry next to Yuri, I take in the scene. My home. My kitchen. Four people sitting around the kitchen island. The aroma of curry mingling with the scent of wine. Yuri laughing, Seojin smiling, and Chaewon's lips curving up ever so slightly. This... is nice.
"Siu." Seojin calls my name.
"Yes?"
"Is there any more curry?"
"Yes, I made plenty."
"Can I give Yuri another bowl?"
"Of course."
I stand up and ladle more curry onto Yuri's plate. As I go to sit back down, Seojin's hand touches mine. Beneath the table.
The moment I settle into my chair, Seojin's left hand rests on top of my right. Lightly, but unmistakably. Palm against the back of my hand.
I look at Seojin. She is talking to Chaewon, her face turned toward her. But her hand is on mine.
"So I'm thinking about changing the cafe menu."
"What kind of menu items?"
"I want to offer a wider variety of seasonal drinks. Since it's spring, maybe something like a cherry blossom latte..."
As she carries on the conversation, Seojin's fingers caress the back of my hand. Her thumb slowly traces the knuckles of my hand. My heart races.
Seojin's hand is warm. It's different from Chaewon's. Different from Haeun's, too. There is a weight to Seojin's hand. A sense of stability. Cozy warmth. The hand that makes coffee every day. The hand that holds Yuri.
I wonder if I should pull my hand away. Chaewon is sitting right across from us. Yuri is right next to me. In this situation...
But Seojin doesn't withdraw her hand. Instead, her fingers slip between mine, intertwining them. Secretly, beneath the table, where no one can see.
Seojin looks at me. She is smiling. It's her usual warm smile, but her eyes are different. There is something in them. A request. A plea for permission. An unspoken question: Is it okay if I do this?
I don't pull my hand away. I squeeze her hand back, gently. Seojin's smile deepens, the tiny crinkles at the corners of her eyes folding. A look of satisfaction.
"The curry is truly delicious, Siu."
"...Thank you."
My voice cracks slightly. The hand beneath the table is to blame.
Just then, I feel a gaze on us. A sound comes from the entryway. The door is open. I had left it cracked to let the apartment air out while we ate.
Out in the hallway, Haeun has stopped in her tracks. She's in her workout clothes, a towel for wiping sweat draped around her neck. She is looking inside through the open door. The table. Four people. Curry. Wine.
Haeun's eyes sweep over the table. Seojin, Chaewon, Yuri, me. And then her gaze stops. Where? I don't know. But Haeun's expression changes. The smirk that usually plays on her lips vanishes, replaced by a completely blank face. A true expressionless mask. Haeun's default expression is a smirk, so the absence of it actually means she is feeling something.
"Haeun?" I call out.
Seojin's hand slips away, smoothly and naturally.
"Do you want to eat with us? I made plenty of curry."
Haeun looks at me. One second. Two seconds.
"No. I already ate."
She speaks curtly and turns away, heading toward Room 203. The sound of a door closing.
The table falls quiet for a moment. Seojin is the first to speak.
"It looks like Haeun is on her way back from working out."
"Yes. She does that every day."
"Even at brunch, and now... I only ever seem to see her coming back from a workout."
Seojin's voice is as warm as ever. But she might have picked up on something. Seojin is highly perceptive, after all.
Chaewon says nothing, simply sipping her wine. Her gaze lingers on me for a brief moment before shifting away. I take a spoonful of curry. I can't taste a thing.
Haeun's expression. That blank face from earlier. What did she see? The four of us at the table? The wine? The atmosphere? Or... the hands beneath the table? No, that's impossible. You can't see under the table from outside the door. But she could have read the atmosphere. The way Seojin looked at me. The way my body leaned toward Seojin. Things like that.
Did it make Haeun uncomfortable? Is there any reason for her to be? What happened last night... she called it "recovery." She defined it that way herself. If it's recovery, it's a one-time thing. There's no room for emotions to get involved. But that slightly softer tone this morning. Her increasingly frequent visits. Yesterday was a promise, and a few days ago she dropped by telling me to make sure I got enough protein. Is that really possible without any feelings involved? My mind grows tangled.
"Siu, are you okay?" Seojin asks.
"Yes, I'm fine."
"Is the curry too spicy? Your face is a bit red."
It's not because of the spice. It's because of the wine, I reply. It's a lie, though.
Yuri demands dessert, Seojin coaxes her, and Chaewon pulls some chocolate out of her bag to give to Yuri. Yuri shouts, "Thank you, Unni!" and Chaewon is flustered.
"Unni..."
"You're Chaewon-unni! Because you're pretty!" Yuri's logic is always simple.
The meal comes to an end. I wash the dishes. Seojin takes Yuri back to Room 202.
"Thank you for today, Siu."
"Sure, come by again anytime."
Seojin smiles. Holding Yuri's hand as she heads for the door, she looks back at me once. A brief eye contact. That request from earlier still lingers in her eyes. Seojin leaves.
Chaewon remains. She is cupping her wine glass with both hands.
"Chaewon, about the contract review..."
"I'll send it to you tomorrow. There's a clause I want to double-check."
"Thank you. Really."
"...It's nothing."
Chaewon sets her wine glass down and stands up.
"I'll head up now, then."
"Okay."
Chaewon pauses at the entryway. I can see her hesitating, as if she wants to say something. Her mouth opens slightly, then closes.
"Siu."
"Yes?"
"...Yoon Seojin. She's a lovely person."
There is a certain nuance to her words. Observation. Analysis. Chaewon is a lawyer. Her job is to read people. She might have picked up on something from Seojin's behavior.
"Yes, she's a very good person."
Chaewon nods and leaves. The door closes.
I sit at the empty table. Three wine glasses. Empty plates. The smell of curry. A few grains of rice Yuri dropped. The warmth still lingers where Seojin's hand held mine beneath the table. A warm hand. Fingers slipping between fingers. Intertwined. And Haeun's blank face as she stood in the hallway.
I feel caught between the two of them. No. It's not just the two of them. Chaewon's final words. 'Yoon Seojin. She's a lovely person.' That wasn't just a simple observation. It was an investigation. Chaewon was measuring the relationship between Seojin and me.
I press a hand to my forehead. A month ago, when I first moved into this villa, I wanted to live a quiet, solitary life. Drawing, cooking for myself, occasionally rushing to meet deadlines, alone.
Now... Haeun brings ingredients in the morning, Seojin brings Yuri over for dinner, Dain comes up with ramen in the middle of the night, Chaewon reviews my contracts, and Haeun pins me down—this is anything but a quiet life.
I finish the dishes and turn off the lights. Lying in bed, I can't organize my thoughts. Haeun's hand and Seojin's hand. One is dominant, the other is cozy. One says, 'Don't move,' while the other says, 'It's okay, is it alright if I do this?' And then there are Chaewon's red ears. Dain's lips stained with ramen broth. Four women. Four different temperatures. Four different approaches. I am right in the middle. A person standing in the center can go in any direction. But at the same time, they might not be able to take a single step in any direction at all. That is exactly where I am right now.
I close my eyes. I don't know if Haeun will come back tomorrow morning. Yesterday's promise is over, and the next one hasn't been decided yet. But I know she'll be back in a few days. Carrying her eco-bag. "Hey, food." Just like usual. That brief moment is the only thing that is certain. I don't know about anything else.