The Protagonist Who Wanted to Be the Protagonist
The story begins in the Eisenwald territory academy. In modern terms, it’s a place of higher education on the level of a university, or perhaps a special institution. Depending on the setting, the city itself might rival or even surpass a nation in power. This is the main stage of the tale.
The plot is usually the same. A protagonist with a clearly visible growth curve overcomes countless obstacles and malicious setbacks. Through the opportunities and deeds he earns along the way, he gains immense fame and authority. No matter the work, the story flows satisfyingly, there are plenty of heroines, and the genre allows him to keep as many wives and concubines as he wants without issue. So if you like harems, you can’t help but fall for it.
As for me, I’m practically a complete outsider. Aside from the few titles my friends recommended, I’ve barely touched the genre.
『I don’t know how the hell I ended up in a world like this, but I can’t waste this rare chance!』
『Once I’m old enough, I’ll head to the academy and look for a bride way out of my league!』
Even someone like me knew the general flow of these stories, so when I first came to my senses, I was excited at the thought of someday stepping onto that stage. I didn’t have the confidence to pull it off as coolly as the protagonists in those tales, though. That’s why I kept things vague even while talking about “brides.”
That’s what I said, but in reality, my greed only grew bigger with each passing day. Whenever I had a spare moment, I trained and dreamed of the day I would finally stand on that stage.
Who could have known?
That I would never even get to step onto the stage at all. That I was nothing more than an extra on the outskirts.
“Hey. Look at our big bro. He’s dozing off on his horse.”
“Man, he’s got skills. Even if the opponent was just a bandit, how the hell can you kill someone and then fall asleep?”
“Shut the fuck up, you bastards. I can hear everything!”
I shouted back, my voice filled with both self-pity and frustration at my situation.
“How long are you idiots going to dawdle?! We’re heading back to the territory before it gets any later!!”
『『『『Yes!!!』』』』
My name is Ludo Eisenwald. I turned twenty-six this year. I’m way past the age where I can dream about academies or any of that nonsense. I’m just a rural noble who’s never left his hometown and spends his days beating up bandits.
I ride my fine steed across the plains. Behind me, the soldiers of the Eisenwald territory are cracking lame sexual jokes and throwing around crude banter. We’re hauling the freshly caught boarex—a ridiculously oversized boar with a fancy name—on a cart, along with the bandits we captured. The day’s work is done.
I spread both arms wide, savoring the cool breeze blowing across the fields, and let my mind drift back to the past for a moment.
『Hiiik!?』
『M-Master, the moment your hand touched me, I turned into a kitchen knife!』
『The young master has been possessed by a demon!』
It happened on my first birthday. The moment I first became aware of the world, I awakened the ability to turn any woman my hand touched into a sword.
The test subject had been a blonde wet nurse with enormous breasts. She returned to her original form shortly after, but the entire mansion had fallen into chaos.
『How can someone commit such a horrific act with a blessing that every person is supposed to have?!』
『I belong to the Agape Church, so I know. This child has been cursed.』
『My lord. I will speak bluntly. This boy must be killed.』
It seemed I had been born with what they called a “blessing.” As the name suggested, it was a miraculous power beneficial to life—one of the special abilities every human possessed. At the time, I thought they were making a big fuss over nothing, and my father’s reaction had been rather lukewarm.
『Who the hell dares call my son cursed?!』
『This child is my one and only eldest son, the man who will one day lead the Eisenwald family!』
『Besides, it’s not just our son who has a strange blessing. There are plenty of bizarre blessings in this world. Are you women really going to make such a fuss over something like this?!』
『Something like this? Turning people into swords? I’ve never even heard of such a skill!』
『Exactly. And the fact that it only turns women into swords… maybe he’s been possessed by some lewd, perverted energy!』
『My lord, please stay away from that child.』
『──Shut your mouth! If you keep flapping those filthy lips, I’ll rip your tongue out by the root!!』
I had been prepared to be abandoned back then, but my father, Gustav, protected me and raised me normally. No, really. Truly, genuinely… nothing ever happened.
The wet nurses had made a huge fuss about the blessing, but it was all nonsense. I wasn’t cursed. I simply had an unusual blessing, and I grew up healthy in both body and mind.
‘What if this had been a story where I was the main character?’
I briefly indulged in my own little “what if” fantasy.
- What if Father had given up on me and cast me out of the family?
- After being abandoned, what if someone picked me up, I obtained some miraculous opportunity, and began dreaming of revenge?
- That was a pretty common pattern in revenge stories.
“Hey, look at Big Bro Ludo. He’s lost in thought again.”
“Leave him be. He’s probably just ranting about his own miserable life again. You know how he is. The moment he opens his mouth, it’s all about how he wants to rise in the world.”
“Rising in the world? In this day and age? The Great War ended ages ago and we’re in the middle of a peaceful era.”
“He’s a man. Just understand him.”
The laughter coming from behind snapped me out of my daydream and back to reality. Revenge? Even I had to laugh at that.
- The Eisenwald Viscounty.
- A family with moderate influence that is slowly crumbling in the current generation.
…What the hell would I even get out of taking revenge in a backwater place like this? Even my own delusions were too small in scale. That was probably why I still hadn’t escaped this place even at my age.
“Hey guys. What kind of place is the academy, anyway?”
“Not this again. It’s a place where people far above someone like you study and build connections. How many times do I have to tell you before you get it?”
“Is that really all there is to it? Maybe there’s some suspicious conspiracy swirling around that only we don’t know about. Something so dangerous that people’s lives are on the line?!”
“People’s lives?”
“You know, like how they gather only the most talented from every country. On the surface they act friendly, but underneath they’re fighting over political interests and power, right?”
“What the hell kind of bullshit is that…? The academy was built fifty years ago after the Great War so that we would stop fighting each other. Why would you want something dangerous to happen there?”
I laughed awkwardly. The old soldiers of Eisenwald all cursed me as a “crazy bastard” depending on how they interpreted my laugh.
“Listen, Big Bro. If something actually happens there like you said, that would be the day the entire continent burns. So please stop thinking such scary thoughts!”
“I know that much. Who do you think I am, some terrorist? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Bullshit. If you know that, why are you having such dangerous delusions? You keep blurting that crap out loud and that’s why no one wants to marry you.”
‘Ah, marriage.’
While indulging in these pointless fantasies, I had already turned twenty-six. Even considering I came from a humble rural family, I was still the eldest son of a viscount, yet not a single marriage proposal had come my way. My future really looked bleak.
“Ha, fuck. The guy next door already got married, so what the hell am I doing with my life?”
“Oh, wait, Big Bro! Now that you mention it, I heard a strange rumor related to the academy at the tavern we always go to. It was either yesterday or the day before.”
When I looked dejected, my subordinates patted my back as if offering both poison and medicine, then immediately started muttering about the story that had come to mind.
“A suspicious rumor?”
“Yes.”
My ears perked up.
“…What is it?”
“I’m not sure if it’ll suit your conspiracy-loving taste, Big Bro. But apparently, a lot of distinguished guests have enrolled at the academy this time.”
“What the fuck? Everyone who enrolls at the academy is a distinguished guest. How many commoners do you think get in? What kind of nonsense is this?”
“No, that’s not what I mean. This time, the people who enrolled are really, truly special──”
『ROOOOOOOOOOAAAR─!!!』
Right then, the horse I was riding reared violently as if it were about to fall over backward. The cause was the boarex in front of us—a monstrously large pig that had begun roaring and thrashing wildly.
“That damn beast. It usually hides away in the mountains like a coward. Did it finally go mad?”
“Right? Why would it suddenly come out onto a road where people travel?”
“It looks incredibly pissed off.”
Every time it stamped its front legs and rampaged, clouds of dust rose into the air. From a distance, it looked about three meters tall. Unlike the one we had already caught, this was a fully grown adult. It was so furious that it was taking its anger out on the ground and hadn’t even noticed us yet.
“Looks like it followed our scent. Maybe it’s the mother of the one we caught?”
“““Ah~!”””
We had finally gotten the chance to hear a rumor about the academy, but the timing of this interruption was absolutely terrible. Clicking my tongue in annoyance, I jerked my chin at my subordinates.
“Bows and spears?”
“We used them all up catching the son. All we have left are the butchering knives and our regular blades.”
“Tsk. Can’t be helped.”
I glanced back at the cart behind us—the prisoner transport wagon.
“Are you really going to do it?”
“What, you want me to send my already worn-out subordinates to catch a mother pig too? It hasn’t noticed us yet, so bring me anything before we start taking casualties.”
“Man, our Big Bro really is a model superior. How can he step up himself because he thinks his men can’t fight?”
“Exactly. I heard the idiot next door throws all his subordinates under the bus just to save his own skin.”
“Enough with the flattery, just bring her already!!”
““Yes~!””
My men ran to the prisoner wagon faster than the boarex could notice. Inside were the bandit group we had just captured. They picked out the only woman among them and threw her toward me.
“Ugh! You bastards, what the hell are you planning to do to my body?!”
The female bandit who had been dragged out was screaming her head off. She looked startled at first, then her eyes darted back and forth between the rampaging boarex and me before her pupils dilated in terror.
“Huk!”
Did she think she was being thrown as food?
“You’re…”
“What?”
“The Forging Pervert of Eisenwald!!”
‘Look at this bitch.’
The reason she was shocked wasn’t the former—it was the latter. She knew who I was.
“She called our Big Bro a pervert.”
“Calling someone who’s never even held a woman’s hand something like that…”
“Poor girl. She should’ve at least begged for her life.”
It was a ridiculous nickname. To live up to both her expectations and my infamous reputation, I took off my gloves and revealed my bare hand. Realizing what the future held, she stiffened from head to toe and foamed at the mouth.
“Please spare me! I’ll do anything! I won’t steal anymore, I’ll repent for my sins, and I’ll live an honest life! If it’s for the Eisenwald territory, I can offer both my body and my heart!! If you want my chastity, I’ll give it to you, so please, just don’t do that…!”
“Shh. Be quiet, my little kitten.”
“Aaaaah… aaah… huaaaaaaaaack!!!”
She thrashed and shook her body desperately, but the moment I grabbed her by the neck, her entire form turned into light. It happened so instantly that even I couldn’t have reacted.
『~~~~!?』
Starting from her neck, she became the hilt. Her chest became the crossguard. The tips of her toes straightened into a sharp blade. Right after the transformation, the sword tip trembled violently, but she soon lost consciousness like any inanimate object and fell silent.
“How is it, Big Bro?”
At my subordinates’ urging, I appraised the item. As expected, it was far below my expectations.
“Even though she lived by the sword, how is she worse than our old wet nurse?”
To test its cutting feel, I swung it a few times through the air before turning around. That was when the mother boar charged.
『ROOOOOAAAR─!!!』
I gripped the sword firmly as the beast came barreling toward me with a powerful roar. I focused my mind on the blade’s tip so the sensation would reach all the way to my scalp, then slipped past the giant creature’s charge to the left.
『ROOOOO─!?』
Its massive eyes, fitting for its enormous body, gleamed like glass. They were so clear that my face, passing by its side, was reflected transparently.
- Black hair tied in a queue, silver eyes.
- A man who possessed every element of handsomeness yet had a distinctly sly, villainous look.
“Hup!!”
I cut myself—or rather, I cut the boar while looking at my own reflection. I pressed the blade against its soft snout, put strength into my wrist, and performed a “pulling cut.” The sensation of tender meat tearing cleanly shot up from my fingertips to the top of my head like a rush of dopamine. The reflection of myself in those huge pupils was also split in two.
『■■■■■■■■■──!!!!』
The boar lost its life along with its beastly voice. The strange sensation of half its body floating in the air after the slash must have been bizarre. The severed cross-section then crashed onto the dirt, reducing the creature to nothing more than a large chunk of meat.
“Wow, Big Bro. Wasn’t that cut kind of lame?”
Instead of answering my subordinate’s question, I held out the sword I had just used.
“Aigo…”
The cutting feel had been excellent, but as you can see, it had snapped cleanly in half. The bandit used as material had died instantly. No matter how cheap the material was, I hadn’t expected it to fail to withstand even a single proper strike….
“Tsk. I thought there might be a bounty on her. What a waste.”
“You say that, but your real goal was her body. You think I didn’t see all the fuss you guys made trying to catch her earlier?”
“Hahaha~!”
“We’ve been found out!”
Even if we brought her back alive, being born a woman meant nothing good would come of it for her. And I wasn’t sentimental enough to show mercy to a mere bandit. Still, the end of the boarex family felt more pitiful.
“Poor thing. On the day it buried its son, the mother ended up buried too.”
The cut was so clean that the cross-section of meat was still twitching, with muscle and nerve tissue visibly alive. The legs in particular kept writhing for a long time. If you got too close, you’d definitely get kicked.
“It’s so pitiful I’m actually tearing up.”
“Big Bro, what should we do with this meat?”
Because of its size and the fact that the nerves were still active, no one wanted to approach it. But we couldn’t just leave it like this.
“What else? We’re taking all of it.”
“““All of that~!?"""
“I’ll just take the hide and the horns. Use the meat for your own feast. Give whatever’s left to the nearest village. If you handle it cleanly, I’ll give you enough money to buy drinks and women.”
At those words, they cheered as if they had never been reluctant.
“Our Big Bro sure is quick with the calculations~!”
“Yeah, then we have no complaints.”
“I’ll start taking out the innards right away!”
“Uahaha. It’s a meat party tonight~!”
This was the warm daily life of our rural family, the Eisenwalds. Eat, drink, shit, hunt, and occasionally do something noble-like… and that was it.
‘Right. What the hell was that rumor about distinguished guests or whatever?’
I figured it was probably nothing important and brushed it off lightly. Little did I know that something like that would happen to me once I returned to the mansion….
I would later come to regret, even if only a little, that I should have listened to that rumor more carefully.