This Isn't Art
"This isn't art."
"So, are you listening, Miss Witchcraft???"
The professor's eyes sparkled with the glee of someone who'd finally caught their big break. Overwhelmed by that manic glint, I ducked my head and thought to myself.
"No way, there's too many problems."
"Grand Duke, don't read my mind."
"A familiar bond is sometimes a tragedy, you know. You end up knowing things you never wanted to...">
For example, stuff like the unshaven hair under your arms, as the Grand Duke would say.
....Do I really need to shave that? Isn't armpit hair normal for everyone?
The Grand Duke made a face like the sky had fallen at my words, but I ignored it. In the first place, it's weird for a guy to shave his armpits for no reason... And anyway, that's not the point right now, is it?
Next up—or whatever you want to call it—was the Racial Cultures class. The professor in charge heard about me and got so fired up that he rearranged the entire lecture schedule and summoned every single first-year student to the auditorium.
Thanks to that, here I was, the center of attention from all my first-year classmates, sweating bullets under my arms.
"There are so many different races in this world! Once treated as monsters, but now recognized as intelligent beings with titles and nobility... The Goblins are a prime example, right?"
The professor, eyes bloodshot and cheeks flushed, launched into a speech like this moment was what he'd lived his whole life for. He looked just like a dreamy boy whose lifelong fantasy had come true.
"And among them—dragons included, of course!!—artificial lifeforms created by beings capable of crafting living creatures!!!! They're classified as living beings now! Too!!!"
"Professor's gonna pass out at this rate, huh?"
"That's what happens when your research subject from your own paper comes to life, right?"
"From the Golem family, starting with dolls and homunculi, to humanoids—what we call robots these days? They move when souls are bound to them via necromancy, or they're monsters born that way, or ancient tech awakens self-awareness over time—that's the majority!!"
The professor explained how countless scientists, from spirits to ghosts and everything in between, have poured their efforts into creating artificial egos akin to—or even equal to—humans.
He added that they're often classified as artifacts: magical devices and weapons. And to demonstrate to the auditorium full of students, he introduced Maid Golem No.1.
"Artificial lifeform chimera!! Ooooh...!! Sure, the appearance is crude—downright grotesque even—but it has human emotions, a heart, and the ability to judge for itself with a full ego!!! To think a being capable of creating this artificially... Even the first-generation Witchcraft couldn't do it, but the second has succeeded!! I'll give your class grade an un! con! di! tional A+!!"
"Nice one,"
Beatus clapped and cheered as the professor, spitting with excitement, shouted that he had nothing left to teach. But I wanted to attend major academy events, not host them.
The artifact crafting professor praised it as a high-scoring magical device too. But then I got the absurd advice that since trading living beings for money violates the law—and slavery's been banned forever— I should just forge a household registry and register her as my daughter.
"I've always wondered!! It's what priests ask the gods too...!! Go on, No.1! Ask your creator a question!!"
No commands implanted, able to defy even its creator's orders—the ultimate lifeform(?). It was the thesis incarnate, so the professor, filming with a camera to collect data, panted heavily in anticipation of No.1's response.
I climbed onto the stage, ignoring the stares from my friends and classmates, and looked at No.1—the one I'd made to earn money, but who was already being disobedient.
A long silence fell. Then No.1 posed her question to me.
"Do I have to call my creator 'Mommy' meong?"
"Nah, I'm a guy."
"Hmm, if woman and man coexist in one body, that's perfect divinity, right meong?"
"Nope..."
"But you're almost omnipotent, aren't you meong?"
"Well... yeah, I guess?"
My half-hearted answer made my classmates shudder with fear—like, why is that part true? Normally, you'd deny that, right? I could already feel my first-year life darkening ahead.
No.1 understood she'd been born to be sold for cash, so she gazed at her creator and asked another question.
"I'm a girl, so why don't I have boobs meong?"
Flat—. As flat as Beatus's, perfect for a good matchup. Honestly, what use would breasts be on a golem? But No.1's soul was feminine.
Neutered or not, gender might not matter much, but it was still a valid question.
To that, Wiyu smiled with the gentle warmth of a mother and replied.
"Big boobs have zero upsides. Why make No.1 suffer the same?"
A terrifyingly heavy silence descended on the lecture hall.
"Wait, neutering's fine?"
Even Ephemera Flash, the top student who usually kept her charismatic image, was flustered enough to call her out.
"Huh? But you neuter pets before keeping them at home, right...?"
"I see, Chocolate."
Ephemera chuckled it off, muttering about why Chocolate's grades sucked. Her smile screamed I don't want to talk to this lunatic anymore.
"Boobs are just heavy and painful—better off flat and carefree..."
No dropping books if you bump into someone in the library.
No gravity pulling when you nap face-down on your desk.
No bumping into things sideways, blocking paths, or getting stuck because of your chest.
"And finally, no boobs means you can fold 'em up nice and neat in storage..."
"Heavens, what a horrific thing to say!"
Even the professor recoiled in horror at this evil, life-despising philosophy.
"No, I'm the one who's wronged here!"
I'd aimed for a robot vacuum golem, not a full lifeform!!
And the most infuriating part? It was both a golem and an artifact. The professor teased that since it qualified as a magical device artificial lifeform, it could be sold legally.
Technically as labor for hire, earning wages...!!
"Six ears, flat chest, can't even change facial expressions meong..."
Anyway, No.1 philosophized that since she'd been born, she had to live. I started worrying if she was smarter than me—then she said,
"But since the master got neutered with me, it's fine meong."
"Huh? Me turning from guy to girl wasn't neutering? Mom beat me, sure, but it's different from you."
Life's absurdity comes from the clash between personal desires and societal reality—and recognizing that absurdity is the true human condition, or something like that, as Albert Camus said.
Today, Mom died. Or maybe yesterday.
No.1's expression didn't change as she pulled a gun from who-knows-where and aimed it at me.
Bang! Bang! Bang!!
"No one's gonna stop her?!"
The academy uniform blocked bullets just fine, but I yelled in outrage at the academy's brutality— even the professor just watching a student get shot.
"Bullet on your cheek."
"Oh, thanks."
I flicked off the flattened bullet from my face at Yamucha's point-out.
No.1 muttered something like 9mm won't kill ya... so I kicked her shin in petty revenge.
She instantly punched me in the face with her boxing-glove hand.
In front of the entire first-year class, she even tripped me.
I flailed my arms in counterattack before falling, but it was so clumsy I didn't even graze her.
Finally, sprawled on the floor, No.1 kicked and stomped me relentlessly.
"Vi... violence is bad...."
"Just apologize from the start next time."
"Bet she'd turn her mom into a girl too and not apologize.">
"Like mother, like daughter, huh..."
After that minor commotion—which thrilled the professor and had the students roaring with laughter—the unprecedented incident of lifeform creation came to a close.
The all-purpose Maid No.1 even had game-running visuals as a bonus feature, but her boxing gloves handled chores too.
Thanks to that, she got hired at the academy for laundry and cafeteria cooking, solving my money woes.
The downside? One more nagger in the dorm.
"Fix it once you're used to it meong."
"Promise..."
With a precious golem maid who even made breakfast, I made a promise I wasn't sure I could keep.
Time flew in that frenzy, and before I knew it, March was nearly over since enrollment.
As I desperately scrambled to keep up with classes and boost my grades, a nightmare began creeping in.
The first-year midterms...!!
Finally, the time to clearly rank us first-years had arrived.
Everyone sighed in relief at the 100% written exam, but for me, it was pure tragedy.
"I hate tests..."
I'll definitely bomb it.
The night before, even with Meru Lume's help, I felt my limits at the dorm desk and grumbled,
"If only the academy would just collapse...."
Rumble...
Dark clouds gathered outside the window as thunder boomed.